WHO is in charge of keeping the secret of how great maternity clothes feel? I finally decided to end the "I'm a (chubby) slob" look and buy shirts that fit. And they DO! I also got a pair of shorts (though I typically loathe wearing shorts, I also have a low tolerance for heat and being pg over summer... anyway, they were on clearance for $11.)
P wanted to see what I got, and since I got such a lovely reception when I showed him my new bras, I felt confident in putting on a show.
I don't think I usually fit well in clothes. I always feel like they don't fall quite right and then I feel lumpy or uncomfortable or awkward. So far, maternity clothes have been awesome! My shirts have room for expansion without looking too sloppy (or too tight.) P, ever the fashion critic, seemed pleased that I'd actually bought something for myself and I could tell that he liked how I looked. I didn't realize how much my confidence could improve with a new shirt and a compliment. I'm sure this is also to do with the deeper psychological effect of having success after years of failure, but for that moment I just felt like a regular girl getting a compliment from her guy and it was great.
I'm still in desperate need of new pants though. It's a task I typically dread, pants shopping, but somehow the success of my new shirts has given me courage. (Now I just have to find the Old Navy with the maternity section and I'll be set!) That, and the super-comfy waistband of the shorts I bought has shown me the error of the rubberband on the too-tight pants trick. Get this- you can sit down without undoing your pants, the rubberband never falls off onto the bathroom floor, and when you're feeling bloated, your stomach is not in a bind! It's a win all around, really.
I know I have a few due date buddies, and all I can say is: Go for the new pants, you'll need them eventually, and you'll feel so much better!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
i'm not just me anymore
I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest feeling. I was on my back and I could feel my stomach. Not with my hands. I had the distinct sensation that there was a part of my stomach that was not mine. I could feel it, but it felt separate. Very odd (and difficult to describe.)
On the subject of sleep. I suck at it now. I wake up all the time, I'm sore, and this sounds really whiny, I know, but I can't seem to help it. My bones feel like they don't go together properly. My hips are sore and so is my back. So far, the addition of extra pillows has done nothing but get in the way. I've been feeling much better overall, and the extreme tiredness is relenting. Or was, until yesterday, when I woke up feeling so tired that I thought I was going to fall down and die. I'm pretty sure this is how life prepares you for having a baby. I got my mom's confirmation on that. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a complaint post, so we'll just leave that there.
In general, in spite of any little aches or discomforts, I'm finding myself more and more... happy (and terrified, of course, but I'm pretty sure it's the happy that's important!)
On the subject of sleep. I suck at it now. I wake up all the time, I'm sore, and this sounds really whiny, I know, but I can't seem to help it. My bones feel like they don't go together properly. My hips are sore and so is my back. So far, the addition of extra pillows has done nothing but get in the way. I've been feeling much better overall, and the extreme tiredness is relenting. Or was, until yesterday, when I woke up feeling so tired that I thought I was going to fall down and die. I'm pretty sure this is how life prepares you for having a baby. I got my mom's confirmation on that. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a complaint post, so we'll just leave that there.
In general, in spite of any little aches or discomforts, I'm finding myself more and more... happy (and terrified, of course, but I'm pretty sure it's the happy that's important!)
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
confident and paranoid
I've been feeling better. I've been going outside! Of my house! Also, after doing no exercise at all since starting stims in February, I'm finally back on the treadmill. I've only been walking (slowly, and only for 30 minutes at a time) and thinking about increasing because all seemed to be going so well.
Last night I had some lower back pain (exactly like how it felt just before a period) and it freaked me out. Up until now I've had an assortment of aches and pains, but none that have struck me as possibly abnormal. I thought I was all confident and secure and all that, but last night my paranoia and worry came back all over again. After sleeping, I feel somewhat better (much less woried.)
Today I'm resting.
Last night I had some lower back pain (exactly like how it felt just before a period) and it freaked me out. Up until now I've had an assortment of aches and pains, but none that have struck me as possibly abnormal. I thought I was all confident and secure and all that, but last night my paranoia and worry came back all over again. After sleeping, I feel somewhat better (much less woried.)
Today I'm resting.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Girl's Best Day Ever
Ok, so when you're a golden retriever puppy, EVERY day is the Best Day Ever, but there's something about rolling around in the mud (three houses down!), getting chased with a hose (and then tied to the deck for a better cleaning) and then having a bonus bath. With treats!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Second Trimester!
WOO-HOO!
Ok, now that we have that out of the way, I have a teeny-tiny vent about some people I know who may or may not be related to the baby and may mean well, but are driving me up the ever-loving wall where I can't even drink. Mixed-freaking metaphors.
For the love of (insert any freaking thing here) please, please, PLEASE stop asking when we'll know if it's a boy or a girl. We've told you. Several times. MANY times. That we MIGHT be able to find out in JUNE. We PROMISE to tell you when we know. I FREAKING SWEAR that it's NOT A SECRET so STOP ASKING. I'm dying to know too, you know, but I'm also getting to be a bit cranky about this (really? you couldn't tell?) and I've half a mind (literally) to not tell you at all.
Also, you just made me use a ton of caps, which I loathe.
***
Some picture posts to come soon (probably.)
Ok, now that we have that out of the way, I have a teeny-tiny vent about some people I know who may or may not be related to the baby and may mean well, but are driving me up the ever-loving wall where I can't even drink. Mixed-freaking metaphors.
For the love of (insert any freaking thing here) please, please, PLEASE stop asking when we'll know if it's a boy or a girl. We've told you. Several times. MANY times. That we MIGHT be able to find out in JUNE. We PROMISE to tell you when we know. I FREAKING SWEAR that it's NOT A SECRET so STOP ASKING. I'm dying to know too, you know, but I'm also getting to be a bit cranky about this (really? you couldn't tell?) and I've half a mind (literally) to not tell you at all.
Also, you just made me use a ton of caps, which I loathe.
***
Some picture posts to come soon (probably.)
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
10 Things I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging
1. Trying to determine whether my doctor meant 12 or 13 when he said to stop injecting PIO at "12 or 13 weeks." And does that mean the end or the beginning of weeks 12 or 13?
I had my very last injection of the stuff last Thursday at 12 weeks exactly. I have had no side effects coming off of it. No cramping, no bleeding. There are still some sore spots, but they're going away. And my ass doesn't itch any longer! YAY! I meant to blog about this.
2. Preparing house for houseguests who have never been to my house before, ever, but who are coming now and staying overnight for three nights. SO much harder when you're too tired to clean the entire house from top to bottom in one giant cleaning day like I usually would. I keep pretty clean to start, so it's not like it's hard or anything, but I find that I can still only do so much in one day. Pain in the ass, that. Plus, there's the added bonus of nagging P to keep things clean when he's not quite as neat as I am.
3. Taking my sick Big Kitty to the vet because he vomited twice in 24 hours and had diarrhea in several spots on the floor in the room where the litter box is. Very odd. I took him to the vet, where the vet said that if I hadn't told him that the cat had these symptoms, he'd look at the cat and think he was fine. I left with tuna-flavored antibiotics, (which smelled SO awful, and my cat did NOT think they tasted like tuna) bland wet food that the cat refused to eat, and a syringe that I was supposed to fill with Imodium and give to the cat. He was better in 24 hours and we have no idea what caused the Big D in the first place. Not that I care.
4. Bathing my Woolly Mammoth of a puppy against his will. Boy is getting BIG. I have no pictures of this event, as I was busy keeping him from escaping the tub, but let me tell you it was a challenge. I had to tie him to the tub. The only way to get him to turn his head for the briefest of moments is to offer him a treat. Then he continues to plot his escape.
5. Going to Canada with my houseguests. We went to the CN tower, which is the tallest freestanding structure in the world. They say that they built it as a radio tower or something, but I'm pretty sure it was so they could get $21 a person to go up it. There's a glass floor at one part where you can look straight down. It was built to hold the weight of 14 large hippos, so I thought it sounded pretty safe for me to stand on.
6. Having my first real craving. In general, I don't eat meat. On occasion, I have had chicken, but I'd very happily live without it. Especially since the Chinese food night. No more chicken for me until further notice (my grandma is now worried. "Are you sure it's really safe to eat a vegetarian diet while you're pregnant?")
I wanted a steak. BAD. P had been talking to someone about a particular fillet at Ruth's Chris, and I've been wanting it since Easter. My mom said it must be a real craving if I was wanting beef. So I had it. And the baby was happy.
7. Thinking about blogging. Like I said, I was going to blog about the end of PIO, putting my needles away, photographing them, etc. but I didn't get to it that day. Then I was busy. I realized that my next appointment was Monday and I kind of felt like waiting, because as much as I'm really in a good place about the chances of getting to live baby, I just had this feeling that I should wait to say more until after the next appointment. I felt like I needed to see the heartbeat once more. I've been thinking a lot about making it to the second trimester (Thursday) and how I'll feel then.
8. Getting another look at our wiggly grey offspring (I must admit, I am hoping he comes out in color.) The very first thing I intended to look for when my fetus came into view was the heartbeat. I was, however, distracted by the way he was frantically kicking his legs. The little sticks were the very first things I noticed. He refused to sit still for a picture and the one I have is so blurry I had to ask the doctor where the baby went. He did this the last time too, except then it was flips or spins or something. On the screen he was very clear though. I was relieved to see that he appears to be a human, and the doctor wondered if I was expecting something else. I wasn't, but it's still nice to be sure.
He's going to have to cut down on some of that activity at some point, because there's not going to be room in there forever for his marathons (P thinks he's a runner) or his tumbling or soccer or karate practice or whatever he's doing in there for too long. My ribs aren't looking forward to the future.
We also heard the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time. 160. Very cool.
You may have noticed that I've used the masculine pronoun. Means nothing except I didn't feel like saying "it" today. I use them both at home, but just picked one for today for continuity.
9. Whining about how I have nothing to wear because it's getting warmer and the only things that fit are winter clothes. I bought some new bras and my breasts thank me for it, but they weren't the only problem. Apparently when your breasts enlarge your shirt rides up more. And that's not even accounting for the poochy stomach. All short sleeve shirts are inappropriate without wearing something underneath. I wear a long tank under everything. Every day. Like many pregnant people, I'd like to look more pregnant and less fat. I'm sure I'll get my wish soon enough. I do need to go shopping though.
10. Taking a nap. I intended to write this post all day (ok, to be honest, I meant to post yesterday) but it seemed like quite a task and I had to take a nap first. It was lovely. I woke up all on my own. I am very cranky when woken up against my will already, and I haven't been sleeping that well lately, so the nap was a good thing.
I had my very last injection of the stuff last Thursday at 12 weeks exactly. I have had no side effects coming off of it. No cramping, no bleeding. There are still some sore spots, but they're going away. And my ass doesn't itch any longer! YAY! I meant to blog about this.
2. Preparing house for houseguests who have never been to my house before, ever, but who are coming now and staying overnight for three nights. SO much harder when you're too tired to clean the entire house from top to bottom in one giant cleaning day like I usually would. I keep pretty clean to start, so it's not like it's hard or anything, but I find that I can still only do so much in one day. Pain in the ass, that. Plus, there's the added bonus of nagging P to keep things clean when he's not quite as neat as I am.
3. Taking my sick Big Kitty to the vet because he vomited twice in 24 hours and had diarrhea in several spots on the floor in the room where the litter box is. Very odd. I took him to the vet, where the vet said that if I hadn't told him that the cat had these symptoms, he'd look at the cat and think he was fine. I left with tuna-flavored antibiotics, (which smelled SO awful, and my cat did NOT think they tasted like tuna) bland wet food that the cat refused to eat, and a syringe that I was supposed to fill with Imodium and give to the cat. He was better in 24 hours and we have no idea what caused the Big D in the first place. Not that I care.
4. Bathing my Woolly Mammoth of a puppy against his will. Boy is getting BIG. I have no pictures of this event, as I was busy keeping him from escaping the tub, but let me tell you it was a challenge. I had to tie him to the tub. The only way to get him to turn his head for the briefest of moments is to offer him a treat. Then he continues to plot his escape.
5. Going to Canada with my houseguests. We went to the CN tower, which is the tallest freestanding structure in the world. They say that they built it as a radio tower or something, but I'm pretty sure it was so they could get $21 a person to go up it. There's a glass floor at one part where you can look straight down. It was built to hold the weight of 14 large hippos, so I thought it sounded pretty safe for me to stand on.
6. Having my first real craving. In general, I don't eat meat. On occasion, I have had chicken, but I'd very happily live without it. Especially since the Chinese food night. No more chicken for me until further notice (my grandma is now worried. "Are you sure it's really safe to eat a vegetarian diet while you're pregnant?")
I wanted a steak. BAD. P had been talking to someone about a particular fillet at Ruth's Chris, and I've been wanting it since Easter. My mom said it must be a real craving if I was wanting beef. So I had it. And the baby was happy.
7. Thinking about blogging. Like I said, I was going to blog about the end of PIO, putting my needles away, photographing them, etc. but I didn't get to it that day. Then I was busy. I realized that my next appointment was Monday and I kind of felt like waiting, because as much as I'm really in a good place about the chances of getting to live baby, I just had this feeling that I should wait to say more until after the next appointment. I felt like I needed to see the heartbeat once more. I've been thinking a lot about making it to the second trimester (Thursday) and how I'll feel then.
8. Getting another look at our wiggly grey offspring (I must admit, I am hoping he comes out in color.) The very first thing I intended to look for when my fetus came into view was the heartbeat. I was, however, distracted by the way he was frantically kicking his legs. The little sticks were the very first things I noticed. He refused to sit still for a picture and the one I have is so blurry I had to ask the doctor where the baby went. He did this the last time too, except then it was flips or spins or something. On the screen he was very clear though. I was relieved to see that he appears to be a human, and the doctor wondered if I was expecting something else. I wasn't, but it's still nice to be sure.
He's going to have to cut down on some of that activity at some point, because there's not going to be room in there forever for his marathons (P thinks he's a runner) or his tumbling or soccer or karate practice or whatever he's doing in there for too long. My ribs aren't looking forward to the future.
We also heard the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time. 160. Very cool.
You may have noticed that I've used the masculine pronoun. Means nothing except I didn't feel like saying "it" today. I use them both at home, but just picked one for today for continuity.
9. Whining about how I have nothing to wear because it's getting warmer and the only things that fit are winter clothes. I bought some new bras and my breasts thank me for it, but they weren't the only problem. Apparently when your breasts enlarge your shirt rides up more. And that's not even accounting for the poochy stomach. All short sleeve shirts are inappropriate without wearing something underneath. I wear a long tank under everything. Every day. Like many pregnant people, I'd like to look more pregnant and less fat. I'm sure I'll get my wish soon enough. I do need to go shopping though.
10. Taking a nap. I intended to write this post all day (ok, to be honest, I meant to post yesterday) but it seemed like quite a task and I had to take a nap first. It was lovely. I woke up all on my own. I am very cranky when woken up against my will already, and I haven't been sleeping that well lately, so the nap was a good thing.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
my dirty little secret
I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester is winding down and so are the progesterone shots. They're finally starting to bother me, btw, and I've got the large lump, bruises, and itchy spots to prove it. All for a good cause.
***
I get it about the digestion slowing down. I can no longer eat a real dinner because I go from zero to full in no time. This makes it hard to really get balanced meals because I simply can't eat enough. So I'm not worrying about it. I also am falling short on my water consumption. I'm just too full. If I eat, there's no room left for water and if I drink all my water, I'm too full for food. So everything is getting shortchanged. Sometimes this bothers me, but mostly I know I'm doing the best I can. I have plenty of fat stores to go around.
***
My pants are tight. It won't be too long before they're unwearable. Most of my tops feel snug and do not lay properly. I'm wearing two shirts most days (that I'm not in sweats.) My bras are embarrassingly small. I desperately need to buy some with a larger cup size. But that would require the motivation to go shopping and I simply do not have it. I can usually manage one errand or household task per day and then I must loaf on the couch. The cats love this routine, but I hate feeling like I'm never getting anything done.
***
And so here's the secret:
In spite of infertility, I really believe I'm going to have a baby in November.
***
I get it about the digestion slowing down. I can no longer eat a real dinner because I go from zero to full in no time. This makes it hard to really get balanced meals because I simply can't eat enough. So I'm not worrying about it. I also am falling short on my water consumption. I'm just too full. If I eat, there's no room left for water and if I drink all my water, I'm too full for food. So everything is getting shortchanged. Sometimes this bothers me, but mostly I know I'm doing the best I can. I have plenty of fat stores to go around.
***
My pants are tight. It won't be too long before they're unwearable. Most of my tops feel snug and do not lay properly. I'm wearing two shirts most days (that I'm not in sweats.) My bras are embarrassingly small. I desperately need to buy some with a larger cup size. But that would require the motivation to go shopping and I simply do not have it. I can usually manage one errand or household task per day and then I must loaf on the couch. The cats love this routine, but I hate feeling like I'm never getting anything done.
***
And so here's the secret:
In spite of infertility, I really believe I'm going to have a baby in November.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
A craving, in three acts
Act One:
Twirl: You know what's not the same as chinese food?
BFF: What?
Twirl: Top Ramen, oriental flavor.
BFF: Uh, did you really think it was?
Act Two:
Twirl: I'm only having dinner if we can have it RIGHT NOW.
P: Otherwise...?
Twirl: Otherwise it will be too late and I'm NOT EATING.
P: Ok, let's go then.
Twirl: I don't want to go anywhere. Chinese?
P: You want me to go get chinese?
Twirl: You're volunteering? That's great! Let's have chinese!
Act Three:
P: Are you ok?
Twirl: (hugging toilet) Yeah.
P: Uh, are you sure?
Twirl: I don't want chinese anymore. Ever.
Twirl: You know what's not the same as chinese food?
BFF: What?
Twirl: Top Ramen, oriental flavor.
BFF: Uh, did you really think it was?
Act Two:
Twirl: I'm only having dinner if we can have it RIGHT NOW.
P: Otherwise...?
Twirl: Otherwise it will be too late and I'm NOT EATING.
P: Ok, let's go then.
Twirl: I don't want to go anywhere. Chinese?
P: You want me to go get chinese?
Twirl: You're volunteering? That's great! Let's have chinese!
Act Three:
P: Are you ok?
Twirl: (hugging toilet) Yeah.
P: Uh, are you sure?
Twirl: I don't want chinese anymore. Ever.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
10 weeks (in sort-of haiku)
Reflux, nausea
Can't eat much of anything
Tums are my new friend.
***
Exhausted all day
Only want to take a nap
Gimme my pillow
***
I can't believe it
One quarter pregnancy done
We have a fetus!
Can't eat much of anything
Tums are my new friend.
***
Exhausted all day
Only want to take a nap
Gimme my pillow
***
I can't believe it
One quarter pregnancy done
We have a fetus!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Wasn't it yesterday when he was small?
I can't believe you're eight. When I got you, you were only a month old. Your kitty-momma had stopped feeding you and so you needed a home. I pulled you from a drain pipe where you were hiding on a friend's balcony and took you home with me. You fit in the palm of my hand. You slept in a tiny wicker basket with a washcloth and I put you in a closet because I was afraid you'd get lost behind the refrigerator or something.
Those were the days, weren't they? Nice naps on a crappy couch in our first apartment together... I still wore "gold" jewelry, had green fingers from finger-painting, and amazingly thin thighs. Sorry, this was about you.
You let me dress you up and you were a lovely subject. You'd object to this treatment now, but at the time you didn't mind. (I swear.)
Now you're my big kitty. You're in charge of the kitten and the puppies. It's quite a house to run, especially when you consider all the duties you have. Between performing your perimeter checks each night, to watching me shower each and every day, you really have your paws full. I'm glad you still have the time to rest in the sunlight. You deserve it.
So, my big kitty, you are eight years old today. I know it's rough to share your special day with your daddy, but I'm hoping you know how special we both think you are. (I'm thinking you'll understand more fully when you're presented with some of tonight's chicken.)
Plus, you're damn good at holding things down. (That kitchenaid 5qt. mixer I got for daddy was bound to blow away in the wind!)
Happy Birthday.
Those were the days, weren't they? Nice naps on a crappy couch in our first apartment together... I still wore "gold" jewelry, had green fingers from finger-painting, and amazingly thin thighs. Sorry, this was about you.
You let me dress you up and you were a lovely subject. You'd object to this treatment now, but at the time you didn't mind. (I swear.)
Now you're my big kitty. You're in charge of the kitten and the puppies. It's quite a house to run, especially when you consider all the duties you have. Between performing your perimeter checks each night, to watching me shower each and every day, you really have your paws full. I'm glad you still have the time to rest in the sunlight. You deserve it.
So, my big kitty, you are eight years old today. I know it's rough to share your special day with your daddy, but I'm hoping you know how special we both think you are. (I'm thinking you'll understand more fully when you're presented with some of tonight's chicken.)
Plus, you're damn good at holding things down. (That kitchenaid 5qt. mixer I got for daddy was bound to blow away in the wind!)
Happy Birthday.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
From her mouth...
We never told P's parents about our IF. When we were towards the end of this cycle, P emailed his dad that we were doing IVF but not to spread it around in case it didn't work. His dad emailed back, "What's IVF?" P told him, but we never heard another word about it. We honestly didn't know if he understood or if he even told P's mom. They're not the most worldly people, so we kinda thought they just pushed it aside because they didn't know what it meant.
Anyway, when P told his mom on the phone that I was pregnant, she gave him one of my favorite lines ever.
"Make sure you see a doctor."
I laughed when I heard it through the phone (although I did have the grace to try and muffle my laughter with a pillow.) I've laughed out loud each and every time I've thought about this. I meant to tell my RE too, as I'm sure he'd be amused, but I forgot in the heartbeat and PIO and graduation terror and all. Still damn funny though.
Anyway, when P told his mom on the phone that I was pregnant, she gave him one of my favorite lines ever.
"Make sure you see a doctor."
I laughed when I heard it through the phone (although I did have the grace to try and muffle my laughter with a pillow.) I've laughed out loud each and every time I've thought about this. I meant to tell my RE too, as I'm sure he'd be amused, but I forgot in the heartbeat and PIO and graduation terror and all. Still damn funny though.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Why the hell would he laugh at me? (or, welcome to my mood swings)
The other day I felt cranky for no particular reason and P asked me why I was staring out the window at the street and I answered that I didn't know. Then I went to our DVD rack and pulled out two that were dumb and I decided we'd never watch them again and they weren't worth giving away and I threw them in the trash.
Then I cried. Because, you know, it was all so ridiculous and I knew that, and P was laughing at me, and I still couldn't help it and I was sad and there was no good reason for any of it.
Then I cried. Because, you know, it was all so ridiculous and I knew that, and P was laughing at me, and I still couldn't help it and I was sad and there was no good reason for any of it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
brief updates, more later
1. will continue progesterone through first trimester per my OB. Relieved.
2. saw embryo/heartbeat again. Relieved.
2. saw embryo/heartbeat again. Relieved.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
addicted
I'm 8w2d today. My RE said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks. I haven't.
Is it just me, or does it seem like most people stay on it until 10ish weeks? It seems crazy that there's no testing when you go off this stuff. I haven't had my progesterone tested since 4w6d. It was fine then, but how do I know it will be fine if I stop the support now?
I think it would be different if I was having a strong negative reaction to the injections, but I'm not. I don't like it, of course, but it's not the worst thing ever. I had leg/hip soreness for the first three days, but none since then. I'm getting a little bruised and a little sore, but nothing like the horror stories you read. It's just not that bad. And since the RE said it won't hurt anything... well, I just can't seem to quit.
Is it just me, or does it seem like most people stay on it until 10ish weeks? It seems crazy that there's no testing when you go off this stuff. I haven't had my progesterone tested since 4w6d. It was fine then, but how do I know it will be fine if I stop the support now?
I think it would be different if I was having a strong negative reaction to the injections, but I'm not. I don't like it, of course, but it's not the worst thing ever. I had leg/hip soreness for the first three days, but none since then. I'm getting a little bruised and a little sore, but nothing like the horror stories you read. It's just not that bad. And since the RE said it won't hurt anything... well, I just can't seem to quit.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
completely overwhelmed.
I've been really overwhelmed.
I don't think I really realized just how tense I was feeling about last Friday's ultrasound. At 7w1d, there was no real reason to see anything ambiguous. Healthy visible heartbeat, or... well, you can imagine the possibilities. I know I did.
I was edgy all day long.
I wore my "good news panties" (and you may laugh at that if you like.)
But, in the end, we did see a heartbeat. A real one this time, not just a flicker. Of course, my little underachiever was beating at the very minimal acceptable level for age, and still measuring behind by nearly a week, so there's room for worry when I feel the need. I'm trying my very best not to though, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.
When the scan was done and the nurse left me to dress, I stared at the still image on the screen and began to cry a little. P wanted to know what was wrong, and there was no real answer. Fear, worry, hope, the future. It was all too much for me.
I graduated on Friday. I was shaky when wrapping it all up with the RE. He said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks (8wks? seriously? doesn't that seem early? that's this thursday! what if i'm not making enough on my own?) and that I need to stay on the aspirin until 12 weeks. I can go to an OB now. A real, regular, average, run-of-the-mill OB. For fertile people. So strange. I have an appointment for next week to meet him.
I tucked the ultrasound photos discreetly into my purse and went to the checkout counter and the woman asked me if I needed to schedule another ultrasound. I said no and felt like crying. She congratulated me, though I wished she would be quiet about it because there were three other women waiting to check out and statistically, they had not all had good news appointments that day. I felt bad and hoped none were upset.
I've been having a rough time with my emotions lately. I'm so excited. It almost even seems real. But it's scary. I know how to do infertility. I know how to go for bloodwork and ultrasounds and give injections and take pills. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be a mom, but it's been years since I've actually thought about being pregnant. Somehow I wasn't prepared for this.
I don't think I really realized just how tense I was feeling about last Friday's ultrasound. At 7w1d, there was no real reason to see anything ambiguous. Healthy visible heartbeat, or... well, you can imagine the possibilities. I know I did.
I was edgy all day long.
I wore my "good news panties" (and you may laugh at that if you like.)
But, in the end, we did see a heartbeat. A real one this time, not just a flicker. Of course, my little underachiever was beating at the very minimal acceptable level for age, and still measuring behind by nearly a week, so there's room for worry when I feel the need. I'm trying my very best not to though, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.
When the scan was done and the nurse left me to dress, I stared at the still image on the screen and began to cry a little. P wanted to know what was wrong, and there was no real answer. Fear, worry, hope, the future. It was all too much for me.
I graduated on Friday. I was shaky when wrapping it all up with the RE. He said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks (8wks? seriously? doesn't that seem early? that's this thursday! what if i'm not making enough on my own?) and that I need to stay on the aspirin until 12 weeks. I can go to an OB now. A real, regular, average, run-of-the-mill OB. For fertile people. So strange. I have an appointment for next week to meet him.
I tucked the ultrasound photos discreetly into my purse and went to the checkout counter and the woman asked me if I needed to schedule another ultrasound. I said no and felt like crying. She congratulated me, though I wished she would be quiet about it because there were three other women waiting to check out and statistically, they had not all had good news appointments that day. I felt bad and hoped none were upset.
I've been having a rough time with my emotions lately. I'm so excited. It almost even seems real. But it's scary. I know how to do infertility. I know how to go for bloodwork and ultrasounds and give injections and take pills. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be a mom, but it's been years since I've actually thought about being pregnant. Somehow I wasn't prepared for this.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment.
I was worried too. Right up until the last minute. In fact, I'm still worried (apparently this is how it goes- a moment of relief, then worry until the next milestone.) The nurse didn't call it the heartbeat scan. It was just a very, very early heartbeat. Barely visible. Not exactly out-of-the-woods territory. A relief? Yes, of course. I saw growth. Growth is good.
I asked about restrictions, as I've been on light duty since ER (no heavy lifting, housework, sex, etc.) and P is getting antsy to celebrate this event (and I detest not being able to vacuum regularly.)
Me: So, am I still on all restrictions?
RE: No intercourse, what else do you want to do?
Me: Um...
So I vacuumed on Saturday and spotted on Sunday (after not spotting since my positive hpt in the fourth week.) I had serious DBTs. I killed the baby by vacuuming the living room. I huddled on the couch most of the day. My symptoms were subsiding and along with the spotting and the barely-there heartbeat, I was feeling pretty doomed.
I feel better today. Somewhat.
Mostly I'm just posting this so that I remember that it happened and hopefully someone will remember that it happened to me if it's happening to them and that it's normal. I think. I hope.
I asked about restrictions, as I've been on light duty since ER (no heavy lifting, housework, sex, etc.) and P is getting antsy to celebrate this event (and I detest not being able to vacuum regularly.)
Me: So, am I still on all restrictions?
RE: No intercourse, what else do you want to do?
Me: Um...
So I vacuumed on Saturday and spotted on Sunday (after not spotting since my positive hpt in the fourth week.) I had serious DBTs. I killed the baby by vacuuming the living room. I huddled on the couch most of the day. My symptoms were subsiding and along with the spotting and the barely-there heartbeat, I was feeling pretty doomed.
I feel better today. Somewhat.
Mostly I'm just posting this so that I remember that it happened and hopefully someone will remember that it happened to me if it's happening to them and that it's normal. I think. I hope.
Friday, March 23, 2007
6w1d
I was really nervous about today. Lots of people see heartbeats at this stage. Some don't. Of those who don't, some get good news the next week. Some don't. They tried to prep me by saying that it was probably too early, but I really, really wanted to see a heartbeat today.
When the nurse began the probing, she told me that she'd find the sac first and then turn the screen. The first thing she did was run into my ovary (ok, not literally of course, but that's what it felt like.) They're still pretty big, and they're getting in the way of my uterus trying to stretch out. I've been feeling it. Once we got the wow, those are big! exclamations out of the way, she got the uterus in view. Sort of. I could still see the screen and it looked like she was having problems. She asked my if my uterus was tipped. I replied that I had been told both that it was and that it wasn't (true story) and she stopped. What? No way! You are definitely tipped. It doesn't matter for anything... She resumed the wand swirling (which makes you have to pee even if you've gone twice already since you arrived at the office) and I saw what seemed to be a nice, wavy, empty uterus.
Nothing.
And then a glimpse of something. I wanted to shout out to her, but I was feeling a little panic-y and I'm not sure I could have spoken. Then she brought it into view.
The sac had grown. I could see the yolk sac. And the tiny speck that is the embryo. She pointed it all out to me even though I was already mentally cataloging all the aspects of the image I was seeing. I didn't see that flicker I was hoping for.
She moved around and came back and took measurements. It looks like it's measuring slightly behind. I tried not to be disappointed. I've already asked a lot of this little embryo. Here are two cells- go make a whole human body. I want to see a heart beating in four weeks.
Then she shifted the image a little bit and I thought I saw something. She moved again and she asked me if I saw it. I did. It was the tiny flicker of a beating heart. It's not yet measurable, but it's beating and I'll take it.
When the nurse began the probing, she told me that she'd find the sac first and then turn the screen. The first thing she did was run into my ovary (ok, not literally of course, but that's what it felt like.) They're still pretty big, and they're getting in the way of my uterus trying to stretch out. I've been feeling it. Once we got the wow, those are big! exclamations out of the way, she got the uterus in view. Sort of. I could still see the screen and it looked like she was having problems. She asked my if my uterus was tipped. I replied that I had been told both that it was and that it wasn't (true story) and she stopped. What? No way! You are definitely tipped. It doesn't matter for anything... She resumed the wand swirling (which makes you have to pee even if you've gone twice already since you arrived at the office) and I saw what seemed to be a nice, wavy, empty uterus.
Nothing.
And then a glimpse of something. I wanted to shout out to her, but I was feeling a little panic-y and I'm not sure I could have spoken. Then she brought it into view.
The sac had grown. I could see the yolk sac. And the tiny speck that is the embryo. She pointed it all out to me even though I was already mentally cataloging all the aspects of the image I was seeing. I didn't see that flicker I was hoping for.
She moved around and came back and took measurements. It looks like it's measuring slightly behind. I tried not to be disappointed. I've already asked a lot of this little embryo. Here are two cells- go make a whole human body. I want to see a heart beating in four weeks.
Then she shifted the image a little bit and I thought I saw something. She moved again and she asked me if I saw it. I did. It was the tiny flicker of a beating heart. It's not yet measurable, but it's beating and I'll take it.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
analyze that
So, I'm sitting in my blue recycling bin and floating on the water. There are dolphins swimming all around me, propping me up on the water's surface since my bin is not exactly a flotation device. But there are sharks in the water. I haven't seen one, but I know they're out there and I'm afraid.
***
Last night my back was really bothering me and I couldn't get comfortable. Then I began to have some light cramping and other miscellaneous pains in the general ute area. (without bleeding, so that's a mark in the sigh-of-relief column) I drifted off to sleep, woke up, snapped at P for commenting on the fact that I fell asleep on the couch again, and went to bed.
Next ultrasound is on Friday. It may or may not be too early to hear a heartbeat. God, I hope it has one.
I'm starting to feel the fear creep back in.
***
Last night my back was really bothering me and I couldn't get comfortable. Then I began to have some light cramping and other miscellaneous pains in the general ute area. (without bleeding, so that's a mark in the sigh-of-relief column) I drifted off to sleep, woke up, snapped at P for commenting on the fact that I fell asleep on the couch again, and went to bed.
Next ultrasound is on Friday. It may or may not be too early to hear a heartbeat. God, I hope it has one.
I'm starting to feel the fear creep back in.
Friday, March 16, 2007
This week: (so far, so good)
Hurdle #1: The beta came back positive as expected. (After a week's worth of positive hpts, I was feeling a bit cocky about it at my blood draw - so glad the fates didn't decide to screw with me.)
Hurdle #2: It doubled appropriately.
Hurdle #3: I went in for my first ultrasound. I saw a tiny sac squarely in the ute, just where it was supposed to be.
I can scarcely believe it.
Hurdle #2: It doubled appropriately.
Hurdle #3: I went in for my first ultrasound. I saw a tiny sac squarely in the ute, just where it was supposed to be.
I can scarcely believe it.
Monday, March 12, 2007
The One With the Mixed Emotions
I've been asked more than once if I'm excited. I guess I don't sound like I am (part of that I'm blaming on the fact that I'm still fighting this nasty bitch of a cold.) Isn't this what I wanted? Isn't this what we've worked so hard for so long to achieve? Of course it is. Of course I want this. Absolutely, 100%. The truth is, I'm scared.
I was talking to my verybestfriend the other day and I realized that the process of establishing pregnancy is so different for infertiles that the process itself breeds (ha) insecurity and fear even when there is no real reason for it.
The average fertile would pee on one stick, maybe two, and then plan how she was going to tell her husband, boyfriend, onenightstand about the pregnancy. She'd call her doctor (or find one!) and be seen sometime between 8-12 weeks for an ultrasound.
The average infertile pees on nine sticks and doesn't entirely believe any of them. She goes for one, two, more blood tests knowing that at any moment those pretty positives could be meaningless. Knowing that the numbers should double, she worries if they will. She has a super early ultrasound to see if the embryo is in the uterus, reminding her that there's a chance that it could be somewhere else. She goes for another ultrasound specifically hoping to see a heartbeat. This is a reminder that there might not be one.
The average pregnant person doesn't look at each appointment to validate the pregnancy. She is pregnant, and these milestones are expected. For infertiles, the milestones are hurdles.
I don't know of any infertile who would give up any of those steps. We get used to relying on tests, blood work, ultrasounds, and doctors to confirm and explain all aspects of our reproductive lives. Can you imagine just peeing on a stick? It's mind-boggling. There has not been a day since that first test that I haven't wanted to pee on another one just to make sure (and proof of this insanity exists in the form of nine sticks lined up in a spare bathroom.) There hasn't been a day where I didn't consider what my beta might be and what I might expect it to be if it doubles properly. I have a friend with three children. She doesn't know what a beta is.
***
I've gotten so used to seeing myself a certain way - infertile, broken, sad - that it's really hard to adjust to the idea of being a pregnant person. In fact, I still haven't used the "p" word in reference to myself. Even when I saw the word come up on a digital test. Twice.
***
When I began this cycle, I tried really hard to be optimistic. I wanted to assume that it would work. I was only somewhat successful. Fear and pessimism can be hard drugs to kick. Much harder than gonal-f. I saw that a bunch of infertiles, some long-time vets even, were getting positives. There was a part of me that felt then that I was doomed to failure. Statistics, you know. Someone has to get the negative, and I had gotten very used to the idea that it could be me. I had seen waves of pregnancy announcements before. While I don't begrudge any infertile her success at all, it's really hard when it's not me. Some people can see success as a reminder that ART does work. Others, notsomuch. I've often fallen into the "other" category. Ask me if the glass is half-empty or half-full and I'll tell you that it depends on what's in the glass.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to "forget where I came from." There was a time when I posted about something that happened to me, I don't remember what, but it was depressing, and someone wrote me an encouraging comment. I went to check out that person's blog and saw that they were newly pregnant. It really hurt to see that. Irrational? Probably. But hurt is hurt. The person was being kind, but just hearing from her made me remember what I didn't have. I don't want to do that to anyone else. So now I find myself holding back from commenting. How will she take it? If I say that I'm sorry for her loss, bfn, bad day, whatever, will I make her feel worse?
***
Where am I going? Will this ever evolve into a coherent, cohesive post? I don't know. As happy as I am to have made it this far, I am acutely aware of how far there still is to go. It's only just now beta day (crazy late, yes, but still...)
And I'm scared.
But like I told my friend, my mom, my cats, and my wonderfully happy P, I'm also excited. I swear.
I was talking to my verybestfriend the other day and I realized that the process of establishing pregnancy is so different for infertiles that the process itself breeds (ha) insecurity and fear even when there is no real reason for it.
The average fertile would pee on one stick, maybe two, and then plan how she was going to tell her husband, boyfriend, onenightstand about the pregnancy. She'd call her doctor (or find one!) and be seen sometime between 8-12 weeks for an ultrasound.
The average infertile pees on nine sticks and doesn't entirely believe any of them. She goes for one, two, more blood tests knowing that at any moment those pretty positives could be meaningless. Knowing that the numbers should double, she worries if they will. She has a super early ultrasound to see if the embryo is in the uterus, reminding her that there's a chance that it could be somewhere else. She goes for another ultrasound specifically hoping to see a heartbeat. This is a reminder that there might not be one.
The average pregnant person doesn't look at each appointment to validate the pregnancy. She is pregnant, and these milestones are expected. For infertiles, the milestones are hurdles.
I don't know of any infertile who would give up any of those steps. We get used to relying on tests, blood work, ultrasounds, and doctors to confirm and explain all aspects of our reproductive lives. Can you imagine just peeing on a stick? It's mind-boggling. There has not been a day since that first test that I haven't wanted to pee on another one just to make sure (and proof of this insanity exists in the form of nine sticks lined up in a spare bathroom.) There hasn't been a day where I didn't consider what my beta might be and what I might expect it to be if it doubles properly. I have a friend with three children. She doesn't know what a beta is.
***
I've gotten so used to seeing myself a certain way - infertile, broken, sad - that it's really hard to adjust to the idea of being a pregnant person. In fact, I still haven't used the "p" word in reference to myself. Even when I saw the word come up on a digital test. Twice.
***
When I began this cycle, I tried really hard to be optimistic. I wanted to assume that it would work. I was only somewhat successful. Fear and pessimism can be hard drugs to kick. Much harder than gonal-f. I saw that a bunch of infertiles, some long-time vets even, were getting positives. There was a part of me that felt then that I was doomed to failure. Statistics, you know. Someone has to get the negative, and I had gotten very used to the idea that it could be me. I had seen waves of pregnancy announcements before. While I don't begrudge any infertile her success at all, it's really hard when it's not me. Some people can see success as a reminder that ART does work. Others, notsomuch. I've often fallen into the "other" category. Ask me if the glass is half-empty or half-full and I'll tell you that it depends on what's in the glass.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to "forget where I came from." There was a time when I posted about something that happened to me, I don't remember what, but it was depressing, and someone wrote me an encouraging comment. I went to check out that person's blog and saw that they were newly pregnant. It really hurt to see that. Irrational? Probably. But hurt is hurt. The person was being kind, but just hearing from her made me remember what I didn't have. I don't want to do that to anyone else. So now I find myself holding back from commenting. How will she take it? If I say that I'm sorry for her loss, bfn, bad day, whatever, will I make her feel worse?
***
Where am I going? Will this ever evolve into a coherent, cohesive post? I don't know. As happy as I am to have made it this far, I am acutely aware of how far there still is to go. It's only just now beta day (crazy late, yes, but still...)
And I'm scared.
But like I told my friend, my mom, my cats, and my wonderfully happy P, I'm also excited. I swear.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
did that really just happen?
I've never seen anything like that. In all the time we've been trying, I've never had a whiff of a positive test. Not a false positives, no evaporation lines.
That plus sign in particular is simply amazing.
I'm pretty sure P and I are still in shock. Can this really be it? After FOUR YEARS, could we finally have gotten our wish? Surreal.
My cold has gone from unpleasant to miserable, and I'm having a hard time sleeping now. I realize there are worse problems to have.
I also had my first bit of spotting this evening. I'm a bit freaked out by that. I know it happens to lots of people, but after the high of a positive hpt it's not very comforting.
Thank you so much for all of your kind words and congrats. So awesome to have people I could share this with that truly understand what it took to get here.
That plus sign in particular is simply amazing.
I'm pretty sure P and I are still in shock. Can this really be it? After FOUR YEARS, could we finally have gotten our wish? Surreal.
My cold has gone from unpleasant to miserable, and I'm having a hard time sleeping now. I realize there are worse problems to have.
I also had my first bit of spotting this evening. I'm a bit freaked out by that. I know it happens to lots of people, but after the high of a positive hpt it's not very comforting.
Thank you so much for all of your kind words and congrats. So awesome to have people I could share this with that truly understand what it took to get here.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
chicken, you say? why, yes, I am.
I still have this cold and I'm not any less tired, but I am glad that you all agree with me that waiting until Monday for a beta is torture.
I am now thescared hopeful owner of several sticks to be urinated on. Of course, I don't have the courage to actually pee on them, but I have purchased them. They're sitting on my coffee table right now. Looking at me. Hoping I'll take them into the bathroom and have my wicked way with them. Instead I just open their boxes and remove the leaflets and then put the leaflets back in the boxes and close them up and put them back on the table.
I am now the
Monday, March 05, 2007
8dp3dt
Nothing happening. Except that I'm getting sick. Now in addition to feeling tired, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I hate sneezing all the damn time. I hate having a drippy nose. I hate my slightly scratchy throat.
The progesterone is doing its job. I usually begin spotting by 9dpo and bleeding by 11 dpo and there's none of that here.
I didn't want to poas before the beta until I found out that I don't get one until next monday (can you effing believe that?) and so I figured I'd test at some point. But I don't want to do the whole "did I test too early?" thing either, so for now at least, no peeing on anything.
Can it be next week now, please?
The progesterone is doing its job. I usually begin spotting by 9dpo and bleeding by 11 dpo and there's none of that here.
I didn't want to poas before the beta until I found out that I don't get one until next monday (can you effing believe that?) and so I figured I'd test at some point. But I don't want to do the whole "did I test too early?" thing either, so for now at least, no peeing on anything.
Can it be next week now, please?
Friday, March 02, 2007
Turns out that this post is about PIO. And naps.
I feel like I should have something to say, but I'm not sure what.
I'm tired again. I woke up this morning ready for a nap. I wanted a nap all day long but didn't get one. I'm still thinking about it. Is this a progesterone thing? Because I'm already blaming stuff on it. I don't know if I'm hungry or if I just want to be eating, but you don't want to be a grilled cheese sandwich in my house. Also, I know where they say the progesterone goes, (boobs) but the oil part has made its way to my face. I've got wintery dry legs and an oil slick on my face and I'm feeling puffy again. And I had a bloody nose last night. And heartburn. This could be the most attractive I've ever felt.
Speaking of PIO, I meant to comment on that before. I was not feeling very brave about the PIO. Or giving up my control over the injections and allowing P to administer the PIO. His practice run with a grapefruit did not make me feel any better. He jabbed at it in a swift, super-scary, dart-like motion. (Just as instructed.) I was glad that big fucking needle was going somewhere that I wouldn't be able to watch.
Then came the first day. I gathered up the required supplies without actually looking at the drawing-up needle. I warmed the oil and passed it along to P. I had him show me his target spot and I iced that area. (Some people say not to ice, but I did because it made me feel better. Plus, I only do it for as long as it takes P to draw up the oil so it really just does the surface.) I hid my face on a pillow and remembered to make sure the muscle was relaxed and I kept my breathing normal. It hurt, but I did not yell. I did not cry. I did whine a little and command him to rub it when he was through, but that was really (mostly) for show.
It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It's been eightish days and I think he's gotten better each day. It doesn't feel good, but it's not exactly torture either (not that I'm telling him that.) The first two days the soreness really lasted all day long. Now I have sore spots on each cheek, but I'm thinkin' there's no way around that.
Is it bedtime yet? Almost? Because I'm daydreaming about my pillow and blanket and a kitty or two. And my embryos.
I'm tired again. I woke up this morning ready for a nap. I wanted a nap all day long but didn't get one. I'm still thinking about it. Is this a progesterone thing? Because I'm already blaming stuff on it. I don't know if I'm hungry or if I just want to be eating, but you don't want to be a grilled cheese sandwich in my house. Also, I know where they say the progesterone goes, (boobs) but the oil part has made its way to my face. I've got wintery dry legs and an oil slick on my face and I'm feeling puffy again. And I had a bloody nose last night. And heartburn. This could be the most attractive I've ever felt.
Speaking of PIO, I meant to comment on that before. I was not feeling very brave about the PIO. Or giving up my control over the injections and allowing P to administer the PIO. His practice run with a grapefruit did not make me feel any better. He jabbed at it in a swift, super-scary, dart-like motion. (Just as instructed.) I was glad that big fucking needle was going somewhere that I wouldn't be able to watch.
Then came the first day. I gathered up the required supplies without actually looking at the drawing-up needle. I warmed the oil and passed it along to P. I had him show me his target spot and I iced that area. (Some people say not to ice, but I did because it made me feel better. Plus, I only do it for as long as it takes P to draw up the oil so it really just does the surface.) I hid my face on a pillow and remembered to make sure the muscle was relaxed and I kept my breathing normal. It hurt, but I did not yell. I did not cry. I did whine a little and command him to rub it when he was through, but that was really (mostly) for show.
It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It's been eightish days and I think he's gotten better each day. It doesn't feel good, but it's not exactly torture either (not that I'm telling him that.) The first two days the soreness really lasted all day long. Now I have sore spots on each cheek, but I'm thinkin' there's no way around that.
Is it bedtime yet? Almost? Because I'm daydreaming about my pillow and blanket and a kitty or two. And my embryos.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Um, ok. What now?
Still waiting to hear if any embryos made it to freeze.
Other than that... I got nothin'.
What am I supposed to do now?
Other than that... I got nothin'.
What am I supposed to do now?
Sunday, February 25, 2007
3dt
I am currently hosting two embryos. One is a very good looking six-cell and the other is a decent eight-cell. Transfer was really easy, much better than practice.
There are fourish still growing and if they make it to blast then we'll freeze. I think. I did receive this information while on valium. And I'm pretty tired because I haven't slept well lately. I'm still bloated and crampy and slightly uncomfortable from the retrieval. All normal though.
There are fourish still growing and if they make it to blast then we'll freeze. I think. I did receive this information while on valium. And I'm pretty tired because I haven't slept well lately. I'm still bloated and crampy and slightly uncomfortable from the retrieval. All normal though.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
mantra
I said at the beginning of this cycle that I really wanted to be positive. I really want to believe that this can and will work. I've struggled with that (reasonably, I think) when things haven't gone as planned, but I'm a work in progress myself so I think it's ok for me to struggle.
Before I went in for retrieval, I said over and over to myself for days, "healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies."
Over and over.
***
Fertilization Report:
Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 9 were mature.
We did half ICSI, half unassisted fertilization.
Of the 5 that we ICSI'd... 4 fertilized.
Of the 4 we let go naturally... 4 fertilized!
We have 8 embryos!
***
healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies...
Before I went in for retrieval, I said over and over to myself for days, "healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies."
Over and over.
***
Fertilization Report:
Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 9 were mature.
We did half ICSI, half unassisted fertilization.
Of the 5 that we ICSI'd... 4 fertilized.
Of the 4 we let go naturally... 4 fertilized!
We have 8 embryos!
***
healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies...
Friday, February 23, 2007
Retrieval (or, it's all about whores and porn)
Retrieval went well. My clinic doesn't use the hospital for retrievals, so an anesthesiologist (A) came over. Ladies, conscious sedation is your friend. A said to me, "I'm going to put something in your iv to help you relax now." And he did. And the metal grate on the ceiling began to wave like the ocean and I told him so. I reminded the RE that he needed to look hard and make sure he got them all. He assured me that he would and told me to enjoy the drugs. Then A put me out (it made my arm feel like it was on fire--- for a second, then nothing.)
As I was waking up, A, the RE, and the nurse were discussing A's upcoming trip to Las Vegas for a wedding. I jumped right into the conversation (even though I couldn't open my eyes yet!) and told him that I thought it was a bad idea to go to Vegas for a wedding because of all the whores and the porn everywhere and that he should go to Monterey (CA) instead. He told me that it wasn't his wedding. I said, "that's fine, but it really isn't very wedding-y to go to a place full of whores and porn and we took my mother-in-law there and she was horrified by all the porn all over..." Guys, I couldn't let it go. For the five minutes it took for me to not feel "drunk" anymore, I wouldn't stop about the whores and porn. I wish I had a recording.
My first real question was "how many?" P told me nine. I was really excited until we realized that I didn't know how many were mature. Then I was cautiously really excited. Nine!
Each time I had been in for a scan we were seeing fewer and fewer good candidates which is why I was getting so down about the whole thing. I realize that six would be a good number for a lot of people, no need to be greedy, quality over quantity and all that, BUT each one represents a chance. I know you all know that. I kept seeing my chances reduced and it's not a good feeling.
Anyway. After my tirade on whores and porn was over we waited for me to feel well enough to leave and it only took about 45 minutes. I was having pretty bad cramps and felt very tender and bloated. By late evening I was feeling very uncomfortable and spent most of my time sans pats. I was instructed not to lay flat which is all I wanted to do. I wanted to sleep, but I'm not very good at doing it sitting up. The night was the worst part. I couldn't get comfortable and I kept waking myself up to pee. There was just so much pressure. I also had a bloody cyst that was leaking.
P did a good job though. Sometimes he's too much of a joker and I'm not in the mood for it when I don't feel my best, but he was very nice to me. He even brought me my favorite muffin when he brought me my drugs. He gave me unsolicited hugs and offered me pillows and went to get me things and dealt with me being cranky and unreasonable. That was worth it.
Of course then he reminded me about the whores and the porn and I realized that it all really did happen...
Anyone else say anything interesting while sedated?
NINE!
As I was waking up, A, the RE, and the nurse were discussing A's upcoming trip to Las Vegas for a wedding. I jumped right into the conversation (even though I couldn't open my eyes yet!) and told him that I thought it was a bad idea to go to Vegas for a wedding because of all the whores and the porn everywhere and that he should go to Monterey (CA) instead. He told me that it wasn't his wedding. I said, "that's fine, but it really isn't very wedding-y to go to a place full of whores and porn and we took my mother-in-law there and she was horrified by all the porn all over..." Guys, I couldn't let it go. For the five minutes it took for me to not feel "drunk" anymore, I wouldn't stop about the whores and porn. I wish I had a recording.
My first real question was "how many?" P told me nine. I was really excited until we realized that I didn't know how many were mature. Then I was cautiously really excited. Nine!
Each time I had been in for a scan we were seeing fewer and fewer good candidates which is why I was getting so down about the whole thing. I realize that six would be a good number for a lot of people, no need to be greedy, quality over quantity and all that, BUT each one represents a chance. I know you all know that. I kept seeing my chances reduced and it's not a good feeling.
Anyway. After my tirade on whores and porn was over we waited for me to feel well enough to leave and it only took about 45 minutes. I was having pretty bad cramps and felt very tender and bloated. By late evening I was feeling very uncomfortable and spent most of my time sans pats. I was instructed not to lay flat which is all I wanted to do. I wanted to sleep, but I'm not very good at doing it sitting up. The night was the worst part. I couldn't get comfortable and I kept waking myself up to pee. There was just so much pressure. I also had a bloody cyst that was leaking.
P did a good job though. Sometimes he's too much of a joker and I'm not in the mood for it when I don't feel my best, but he was very nice to me. He even brought me my favorite muffin when he brought me my drugs. He gave me unsolicited hugs and offered me pillows and went to get me things and dealt with me being cranky and unreasonable. That was worth it.
Of course then he reminded me about the whores and the porn and I realized that it all really did happen...
Anyone else say anything interesting while sedated?
NINE!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
mind wars
It's going to be great!
I'm going to be pregnant soon!
We have an excellent chance!
Lots of people have success on their first try!
My doctor's going to wreck this for me!
I could have done so much better!
There won't be enough eggs!
I'm going to ovulate before retrieval!
I'm going to be pregnant soon!
We have an excellent chance!
Lots of people have success on their first try!
My doctor's going to wreck this for me!
I could have done so much better!
There won't be enough eggs!
I'm going to ovulate before retrieval!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
It's trigger day
Done stimming. No more gonal-f and no more ganirelix.
I'm still disappointed about my low number of follicles, but I'm trying not to be. Unless something drastic that I haven't thought of happens between now and then, I'll be going through with retrieval on thursday.
I think the reason I'm having a hard time is that I feel like this is my shot. My only shot. We don't have the money to try again.
That's a lot of pressure on me and my parts.
Oh, and literally, there is a lot of pressure on my parts. And on the waistband of my pants. Not loving the bloated feeling and the fact that I'm now down a pair of jeans (since I have a lame number of follicles, the bloat really ought to be smaller in my opinion.)
P doesn't totally get the estrogen thing. I'm tired. He made me cry by teasing me about something stupid. He apologized, but still.
I'm still disappointed about my low number of follicles, but I'm trying not to be. Unless something drastic that I haven't thought of happens between now and then, I'll be going through with retrieval on thursday.
I think the reason I'm having a hard time is that I feel like this is my shot. My only shot. We don't have the money to try again.
That's a lot of pressure on me and my parts.
Oh, and literally, there is a lot of pressure on my parts. And on the waistband of my pants. Not loving the bloated feeling and the fact that I'm now down a pair of jeans (since I have a lame number of follicles, the bloat really ought to be smaller in my opinion.)
P doesn't totally get the estrogen thing. I'm tired. He made me cry by teasing me about something stupid. He apologized, but still.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
miles to go
So, it turns out there aren't as many follicles as I thought. It looks like my 9-10 is really 7-8. Not the end of the world (I'm trying to believe this) but definitely disappointing when we were shooting for 10-15. The doctor said that I was doing fine, but he could see that I was less pleased. He said that he'd look over my chart and if he thought I could do dramatically better then we'd cancel.
So now I'mcrying because I'm disappointed in my ovaries and I'm feeling all hopped up on drugs just waiting for my instructions call.
I'm thinking they'll want to go forward; I'm not sure what I want. 7-8 really isn't bad, I just thought I could do better since I'm "young" and such a "good responder."
Tell me it will be ok, ok?
***
UPDATE: Not canceled. Feeling somewhat better. Still disappointed in my C-student ovaries, but trying to remember that it's all about quality...
So now I'm
I'm thinking they'll want to go forward; I'm not sure what I want. 7-8 really isn't bad, I just thought I could do better since I'm "young" and such a "good responder."
Tell me it will be ok, ok?
***
UPDATE: Not canceled. Feeling somewhat better. Still disappointed in my C-student ovaries, but trying to remember that it's all about quality...
Thursday, February 15, 2007
we have follicles
I went for my first u/s today (not counting baseline.) I'll admit, I was a little nervous beforehand about how many follicles we'd see. I mean, I know my e2 is going up, but maybe I'm just making one big egg. Also, my clinic has a fairly high cancellation rate, and it would suck to be canceled before I really got started (though I know there are much worse things.)
Nope, as usual, I'm responding appropriately! Several uniformly-sized follicles on each ovary. I'm not growing them too quickly or too slowly, no real lead follicle, nice e2. I have at least 9-10 in the same range and 4ish that were a little smaller that could easily catch up. That cyst is still there, but the follicles seem to have no problem growing right next to it and no one else is worrying about it, so I won't.
I have several days of stims left, so we'll see what happens. The real story is that I'm exhausted. I'm passing out each night before 10 and sleeping very soundly (not complaining about that!) until 730 and I'm still tired. So tired that my arms feel too tired to hang from my shoulders.
Nope, as usual, I'm responding appropriately! Several uniformly-sized follicles on each ovary. I'm not growing them too quickly or too slowly, no real lead follicle, nice e2. I have at least 9-10 in the same range and 4ish that were a little smaller that could easily catch up. That cyst is still there, but the follicles seem to have no problem growing right next to it and no one else is worrying about it, so I won't.
I have several days of stims left, so we'll see what happens. The real story is that I'm exhausted. I'm passing out each night before 10 and sleeping very soundly (not complaining about that!) until 730 and I'm still tired. So tired that my arms feel too tired to hang from my shoulders.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I can worry in my sleep.
I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Here are some highlights:
(#1) I had this dream where I was friends with this blogger who has a kid (it's none of you, it's someone I lurk who doesn't even know me because I've never commented there.) and she and her husband died. I was taking care of her child and answering questions for the police and everything.
I didn't kill the blogger.
But I feel really guilty for having the dream in the first place (as if I had a choice.)
I'm kind of glad we aren't really blog-friends because I know I'd feel even worse.
(#2) Addison Montgomery (Grey's Anatomy) is my doctor. I don't remember the rest.
(#3) I think this one is fairly telling. Of course, I'm not sure what exactly it is telling me.
I had a bunch of follicles. 30 or so, at least. I had a vision of them on the u/s machine and then I saw them explode simultaneously.
And I woke up screaming.
Lucky for me, P comforted me in his sleep instead of punching me in the face or gouging my eyes out (which, unfortunately, has been his response before to my bad dreams when he happened to be dreaming himself.)
(#1) I had this dream where I was friends with this blogger who has a kid (it's none of you, it's someone I lurk who doesn't even know me because I've never commented there.) and she and her husband died. I was taking care of her child and answering questions for the police and everything.
I didn't kill the blogger.
But I feel really guilty for having the dream in the first place (as if I had a choice.)
I'm kind of glad we aren't really blog-friends because I know I'd feel even worse.
(#2) Addison Montgomery (Grey's Anatomy) is my doctor. I don't remember the rest.
(#3) I think this one is fairly telling. Of course, I'm not sure what exactly it is telling me.
I had a bunch of follicles. 30 or so, at least. I had a vision of them on the u/s machine and then I saw them explode simultaneously.
And I woke up screaming.
Lucky for me, P comforted me in his sleep instead of punching me in the face or gouging my eyes out (which, unfortunately, has been his response before to my bad dreams when he happened to be dreaming himself.)
Monday, February 12, 2007
operation secret bathroom shoot-up
Dinner thing went well. Both more and less entertaining/boring than I had anticipated. My shot time coincided with the start of dinner so I was able to slip away when most people were glued to their seats and eagerly awaiting the arrival of a basket of bread. Very glad I didn't wear a dress. Would have been extremely difficult to do holding my dress in my mouth in the confines of a stall. And very inappropriate to pull a dress up outside of a stall. Pants come highly recommended here.
Later in the evening, P asked me for a pen (which I always carry along with a little notepad. there are some interesting tidbits written down there including the license plate # of a woman who was a bitch to me in a parking lot once and an idea for a children's book) Anyway. I was getting the pen out and my baggie of gonal-f pen and used needles was right on top and the woman I was talking to looked down and saw it. I made some quick comment about dirty needles but I don't know if she heard/understood or not. On a positive note, I actually liked talking to this person and we may have this couple over and ask them if they'll be our new best friends. Do you think that would be coming on too strong?
Later in the evening, P asked me for a pen (which I always carry along with a little notepad. there are some interesting tidbits written down there including the license plate # of a woman who was a bitch to me in a parking lot once and an idea for a children's book) Anyway. I was getting the pen out and my baggie of gonal-f pen and used needles was right on top and the woman I was talking to looked down and saw it. I made some quick comment about dirty needles but I don't know if she heard/understood or not. On a positive note, I actually liked talking to this person and we may have this couple over and ask them if they'll be our new best friends. Do you think that would be coming on too strong?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
/freak-out
You guys are fabulous.
I was having a rough morning and every little problem was feeling huge and unsolvable. It made me feel so much better that there were people out there who have been there, who are listening, and who are like me (repeat after me, "I am NOT a friendless freak!")
***
I've had a wicked headache for about 48 hours, and I'm thinking it's the hormone change (and someone please tell P that that really can cause headaches. I really did not care for the look he gave me when I suggested that as the cause. Stupid penis-bearer.) I finally had to just go to bed yesterday because I couldn't take it any longer. No internet, no reading... it was torture anyway!
***
Stims begin (began) today. I'll be doing my evening shot in the bathroom during a big fancy dinner thing tonight. Cross your fingers that I'm able to be discreet (we're in the closet with this group.) SO glad I was able to find a fancy top so that I don't have to hike up my dress in a bathroom stall somewhere. Plus, when did they stop making dresses with sleeves? It's the middle of freaking winter, I'm not wearing a strapless nothing and getting hypothermia. Tonight it's all about the pants.
I was having a rough morning and every little problem was feeling huge and unsolvable. It made me feel so much better that there were people out there who have been there, who are listening, and who are like me (repeat after me, "I am NOT a friendless freak!")
***
I've had a wicked headache for about 48 hours, and I'm thinking it's the hormone change (and someone please tell P that that really can cause headaches. I really did not care for the look he gave me when I suggested that as the cause. Stupid penis-bearer.) I finally had to just go to bed yesterday because I couldn't take it any longer. No internet, no reading... it was torture anyway!
***
Stims begin (began) today. I'll be doing my evening shot in the bathroom during a big fancy dinner thing tonight. Cross your fingers that I'm able to be discreet (we're in the closet with this group.) SO glad I was able to find a fancy top so that I don't have to hike up my dress in a bathroom stall somewhere. Plus, when did they stop making dresses with sleeves? It's the middle of freaking winter, I'm not wearing a strapless nothing and getting hypothermia. Tonight it's all about the pants.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Sometimes I miss having friends
Over the holidays I met someone who might possibly join P's family. I really enjoyed being around her and it reminded me a little of what I'm missing out on by being such a loner.
In some ways, moving has been rough on me. I've moved away from everyone I know more than once now, and it's really hard to make new friends. Sometimes I miss having someone in my own time zone that I can just call up whenever I have something to say.
There are parts of my life that I don't share on my blog. I just can't. I've written about this problem that I have in a round about way several times and then deleted it because I'm just not comfortable putting it all out there (details about my ovaries, sure) for the internet to read. In fact, I can think of three issues that I've wanted to write about but haven't because I don't want it all on the internet. Here's where a real-life friend would come in handy.
Right now I'm feeling a little bit whiny. A little "it's all about me and my problems are HUGE!" so I can't imagine dumping on anyone (although I'm sure P would love the respite!) I hate whining to people. I much prefer to be the listening friend.
I almost didn't post this.
In some ways, moving has been rough on me. I've moved away from everyone I know more than once now, and it's really hard to make new friends. Sometimes I miss having someone in my own time zone that I can just call up whenever I have something to say.
There are parts of my life that I don't share on my blog. I just can't. I've written about this problem that I have in a round about way several times and then deleted it because I'm just not comfortable putting it all out there (details about my ovaries, sure) for the internet to read. In fact, I can think of three issues that I've wanted to write about but haven't because I don't want it all on the internet. Here's where a real-life friend would come in handy.
Right now I'm feeling a little bit whiny. A little "it's all about me and my problems are HUGE!" so I can't imagine dumping on anyone (although I'm sure P would love the respite!) I hate whining to people. I much prefer to be the listening friend.
I almost didn't post this.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
notes from a much too early morning
I just swallowed my last (hopefully!) bcp!
Scan showed that the cyst I had at the end of my last IUI cycle (on the ovary that had produced NO mature follicles, at that) is still there. Persistent little bugger to fight through three weeks of pills. The nurse seems to think it will not be a problem because it's old. We'll see.
For some reason when I left the blood room I said, "see you Thursday!" I have no idea why. There's no reason to go back Thursday. I'm a spaz like that.
Speaking of spaz. I fell down again (different stairs.) And I ran into the footboard of my own bed this morning. You know, because the bed hasn't changed positions in my room, ever, and I still can't navigate successfully in the dark.
***
Update: All clear. Stims to start on Saturday.
Scan showed that the cyst I had at the end of my last IUI cycle (on the ovary that had produced NO mature follicles, at that) is still there. Persistent little bugger to fight through three weeks of pills. The nurse seems to think it will not be a problem because it's old. We'll see.
For some reason when I left the blood room I said, "see you Thursday!" I have no idea why. There's no reason to go back Thursday. I'm a spaz like that.
Speaking of spaz. I fell down again (different stairs.) And I ran into the footboard of my own bed this morning. You know, because the bed hasn't changed positions in my room, ever, and I still can't navigate successfully in the dark.
***
Update: All clear. Stims to start on Saturday.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
While we wait
From the Kitten's birthday "party" on January 1:
(yeah, they're on the counter. never EVER allowed, but due to heathen beast puppies, they were granted a brief reprieve. and I wanted to take a picture of them together. with the hat. my bad.)
***
Puppies at 8 months:
they still love each other as much as they always have. they cuddle all the time.
***
This is from today:
it's damn cold. wind chill -15. they didn't notice.
(yeah, they're on the counter. never EVER allowed, but due to heathen beast puppies, they were granted a brief reprieve. and I wanted to take a picture of them together. with the hat. my bad.)
***
Puppies at 8 months:
they still love each other as much as they always have. they cuddle all the time.
***
This is from today:
it's damn cold. wind chill -15. they didn't notice.
Friday, February 02, 2007
For the love of (insert name here), please stop!
I am very done with the bcp portion of this show. Except that I have at least four more days to go.
My body is so confused. I'm a short cycles kind of girl, and I have a very bossy endocrine system. Many many moons ago when I was on the pill for HA! prevention! HA! I would regularly begin bleeding at the start of the third week of active pills. When I have had to use pills for cyst management, it's always been for two weeks, and I've been ok. I am now in my fourth week and my body is none too pleased. It wants to have a period, I can tell. Very light spotting and back cramps that are usually precursors to the big event have been plaguing me for the past week.
And chocolate. My friend, chocolate. I have had a NEED for chocolate, particularly peanut butter m&ms. Usually just having it once would satisfy the craving, but not this time. I want more, and I want it now. I just ate a cupcake and it's not even 10am.
My body is so confused. I'm a short cycles kind of girl, and I have a very bossy endocrine system. Many many moons ago when I was on the pill for HA! prevention! HA! I would regularly begin bleeding at the start of the third week of active pills. When I have had to use pills for cyst management, it's always been for two weeks, and I've been ok. I am now in my fourth week and my body is none too pleased. It wants to have a period, I can tell. Very light spotting and back cramps that are usually precursors to the big event have been plaguing me for the past week.
And chocolate. My friend, chocolate. I have had a NEED for chocolate, particularly peanut butter m&ms. Usually just having it once would satisfy the craving, but not this time. I want more, and I want it now. I just ate a cupcake and it's not even 10am.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
speaking of drive-bys...
P and I were having a dinner party (my first!) for some people P works with. He was making a ham (disgusting, I know) and we were in the checkout line with it. The lady in front of us asked P how much the ham was and he said he didn't remember, that he hadn't shopped around for it or anything. She seemed appalled that we hadn't gone out meat pricing and said that if we looked in the paper we could see who had the best prices on meat. P said that he wanted the ham either way and small differences in the cost of meat wasn't going to dictate where he buys groceries.
"Obviously you don't have kids. Once you have children, then you'll understand how important it is to shop around."
You select the appropriate response:
A) Fuck you. Oh wait, I wouldn't.
B) Yes, because having children does make most people more fiscally responsible. That's why you never see families on welfare or government aid. (yes, I know this isn't always a responsibility issue, so save it.)
C) I do have children, I just left them at home. The four year old is teaching the two year old about matches and lighter fluid.
"Obviously you don't have kids. Once you have children, then you'll understand how important it is to shop around."
You select the appropriate response:
A) Fuck you. Oh wait, I wouldn't.
B) Yes, because having children does make most people more fiscally responsible. That's why you never see families on welfare or government aid. (yes, I know this isn't always a responsibility issue, so save it.)
C) I do have children, I just left them at home. The four year old is teaching the two year old about matches and lighter fluid.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Aftermath (the day after is always worse!)
I WISH I could blame lupron, but sadly, since I'm not using it, it probably isn't to blame. I have, however, felt a bit "off" lately, but I'm sure it's just from being on bcps for so long.
I am so incredibly sore. Stupid stairs. At least I didn't do this after transfer or something. Logically, I know it probably wouldn't matter, but you know I'd worry about it!
I am so incredibly sore. Stupid stairs. At least I didn't do this after transfer or something. Logically, I know it probably wouldn't matter, but you know I'd worry about it!
Friday, January 26, 2007
stone cold sober
I, uh, just fell down the stairs. Luckily only the last threeish, but unluckily I was going to the basement and therefore landed on concrete.
Nothing broken, just a little bruised and a lot sore.
I blame the new shoes.
Nothing broken, just a little bruised and a lot sore.
I blame the new shoes.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Practice makes... cramps
Preamble:
Very nice nurse, all said with a smile, not being mean at all...
"Do you have a full bladder?"
"Um, I think so."
"Hesitation... that means no!"
"Well, it feels full to ME."
"We'll see soon enough if you're telling the truth."
***
Has anyone had a mock transfer that hurt like a sonofabitch? I didn't think the transfer was going to be uncomfortable. Am I delusional? My RE touched the top of my ute with the catheter (ok, I'll be honest, he was actually using JAGGED STICKS!) and he said that's what the cramping was and that he wouldn't do it at transfer, he was just measuring how far it was to the top of the uterus. But I was feeling some "discomfort" before that. I've had a similar feeling with the IUIs, so I assume it's just me and the catheter not getting along.
So I guess it wasn't that bad. Maybe. I don't know now. I thought my biggest worry was going to be if my bladder was full enough and then not peeing all over the doctor's hand. Do they cancel your cycle if you pee on them?
Then they flushed the uterus with a saline solution and looked at my barrenness.
"It looks good. Good shape, and nice and clear."
"It should be. I don't routinely store things in there or anything."
Perhaps I just don't LIKE how it feels when weshove gently guide things through my cervix. I'm strange like that.
Very nice nurse, all said with a smile, not being mean at all...
"Do you have a full bladder?"
"Um, I think so."
"Hesitation... that means no!"
"Well, it feels full to ME."
"We'll see soon enough if you're telling the truth."
***
Has anyone had a mock transfer that hurt like a sonofabitch? I didn't think the transfer was going to be uncomfortable. Am I delusional? My RE touched the top of my ute with the catheter (ok, I'll be honest, he was actually using JAGGED STICKS!) and he said that's what the cramping was and that he wouldn't do it at transfer, he was just measuring how far it was to the top of the uterus. But I was feeling some "discomfort" before that. I've had a similar feeling with the IUIs, so I assume it's just me and the catheter not getting along.
So I guess it wasn't that bad. Maybe. I don't know now. I thought my biggest worry was going to be if my bladder was full enough and then not peeing all over the doctor's hand. Do they cancel your cycle if you pee on them?
Then they flushed the uterus with a saline solution and looked at my barrenness.
"It looks good. Good shape, and nice and clear."
"It should be. I don't routinely store things in there or anything."
Perhaps I just don't LIKE how it feels when we
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
This is the boring part
My RE initially said three weeks of bcps which became four weeks when I spoke with my nurse. What a snoozefest. I do my uterine measurement/mock transfer this week and then more waiting.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to become more positive about the whole thing which is hard after nearly four years of cynicism. Still, there's nothing else for me to DO right now, so I may as well give the whole, "why not us?" outlook a spin. It's not exactly an attitude I'm comfortable in because I know that its fragile and easily corrupted by disappointment and despair, but still...
I'm at the very least going to (attempt to) approach this whole thing with the attitude that it can work (unlike my attitude toward IUI which was basically something that I felt I had to do in order to earn my lap.)
We'll see how long this lasts.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to become more positive about the whole thing which is hard after nearly four years of cynicism. Still, there's nothing else for me to DO right now, so I may as well give the whole, "why not us?" outlook a spin. It's not exactly an attitude I'm comfortable in because I know that its fragile and easily corrupted by disappointment and despair, but still...
I'm at the very least going to (attempt to) approach this whole thing with the attitude that it can work (unlike my attitude toward IUI which was basically something that I felt I had to do in order to earn my lap.)
We'll see how long this lasts.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
ready or not
So, we're moving along.
I've been on bcps for a while now and have added the baby aspirin and have an appointment for a mock transfer and another for a suppression check.
We're giving IVF a whirl.
Have any of you made the decision to do ivf without being sure it was the right thing to do?
P and I have gone back and forth on this issue during the last three years. We've both been 100% for and against it (for us) but usually we've been on the same page at the same time. Now P wants to try ivf. I think it's important to him to give it a shot at least once.
I'm feeling lots of things. Ambivalent. Afraid. Confused. Done. Hopeful. I've agreed to do it but...
I'm not sure it's what we should do.
I'm worried about money.
I'm worried about how I'll react to the increase in drugs.
I'm worried we're making the wrong choice.
I don't want to let P down.
I don't want to let myself down.
I asked P if he'd feel worse if we tried and it didn't work or if we never tried and just moved on. He really wants to try. I've let myself be swept along because I'm not sure. I don't think I have to be sure, I just wish I was.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
things that are currently broken in my house (not including my reproductive system)
1. dishwasher handle. The dishwasher itself still works, but the handle has to be manipulated a lot in order to get it to open up and P is not capable of doing this. Of course, he was not capable of opening up the dishwasher and inserting dirty dishes before either. It's just a matter of time, I presume, until I'm not able to get it open any longer and we have to replace the whole thing because of the stupid handle.
2. garbage disposal. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this thing. It was working and then it wasn't. It's not the circuit, the wires all appear to be attached, and nothing is jammed inside it. It just. won't. work. Today I'm pretending it's not a problem.
3. our mattress. Not exactly broken, but we never really got all the smell out and it bothers me, so I'm pretty sure it counts. Especially since it's my list and all.
4. sump pump. For some reason it just stopped working. Basement began to flood. Switched plug into different outlet and now it works. So the pump isn't broken, we're just having random electrical problems (in our nearlyfreakinnew house?)
5. light bulbs. Three of these suckers in two days. Um, did someone put a hex on my house?
I hate. hate. hate. having broken things.
2. garbage disposal. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this thing. It was working and then it wasn't. It's not the circuit, the wires all appear to be attached, and nothing is jammed inside it. It just. won't. work. Today I'm pretending it's not a problem.
3. our mattress. Not exactly broken, but we never really got all the smell out and it bothers me, so I'm pretty sure it counts. Especially since it's my list and all.
4. sump pump. For some reason it just stopped working. Basement began to flood. Switched plug into different outlet and now it works. So the pump isn't broken, we're just having random electrical problems (in our nearlyfreakinnew house?)
5. light bulbs. Three of these suckers in two days. Um, did someone put a hex on my house?
I hate. hate. hate. having broken things.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
advocate, reprise
I was going to leave this in the comments section, but it got long and I got itchy to proofread and spell check and the box got little, and...
1. In my case, I was dealing with a few additional variables with respect to the clinic and doctorS that I was seeing that I chose not to share here that had an impact on my overall experience (also, in retrospect, I was feeling cranky and probably defensive when I wrote that post.)
2. I still do believe in advocating for yourself, just know that doctors are people too with all of the positive qualities and shortcomings that the rest of us have. Some listen to their patients; others are less interested in patient-interaction. They're people and while some people are wonderful, others suck ass.
With regards to infertility, it seems like many people feel like they're just a number or are on a cookie-cutter protocol. Some don't care and it may not make a difference in their treatment anyway. For others, individualized care can be a major issue.
Know how to work YOUR system. I often let my doctor tell me in detail things that I already know, because I've found he's less receptive to higher level discussions if I interrupt. A waste of time? Maybe. But I get a better response from him when I let him go through his process first. I've had other doctors who were relieved that I already knew what they were talking about. I've had some who hadn't read my chart, weren't listening to me anyway, and no matter what I said or how I said it, I wasn't going to get anywhere. Just another form of "know your audience."
3. In the US, it is NOT LEGAL to deny you a copy of your records.
You're entitled to inspect, obtain a copy of, and amend your own records. Most offices have a procedure in place for these requests; all hospitals do. If your clinic/doctor does not have a request form for you to fill out, put your request in writing. In the link I added to the original post there's an example request.
1. In my case, I was dealing with a few additional variables with respect to the clinic and doctorS that I was seeing that I chose not to share here that had an impact on my overall experience (also, in retrospect, I was feeling cranky and probably defensive when I wrote that post.)
2. I still do believe in advocating for yourself, just know that doctors are people too with all of the positive qualities and shortcomings that the rest of us have. Some listen to their patients; others are less interested in patient-interaction. They're people and while some people are wonderful, others suck ass.
With regards to infertility, it seems like many people feel like they're just a number or are on a cookie-cutter protocol. Some don't care and it may not make a difference in their treatment anyway. For others, individualized care can be a major issue.
Know how to work YOUR system. I often let my doctor tell me in detail things that I already know, because I've found he's less receptive to higher level discussions if I interrupt. A waste of time? Maybe. But I get a better response from him when I let him go through his process first. I've had other doctors who were relieved that I already knew what they were talking about. I've had some who hadn't read my chart, weren't listening to me anyway, and no matter what I said or how I said it, I wasn't going to get anywhere. Just another form of "know your audience."
3. In the US, it is NOT LEGAL to deny you a copy of your records.
You're entitled to inspect, obtain a copy of, and amend your own records. Most offices have a procedure in place for these requests; all hospitals do. If your clinic/doctor does not have a request form for you to fill out, put your request in writing. In the link I added to the original post there's an example request.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
um, that was disgusting.
Have you seen the new clearblue commercial?
You know, the one lauding "the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on."
The one with the faux urine splashing down on the stick?
just. ew.
You know, the one lauding "the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on."
The one with the faux urine splashing down on the stick?
just. ew.
advocate
I used to believe that the patient was his own best advocate until I was at my last clinic. Unfortunately many health care professionals do not believe that an informed patient with questions about his own care is any more than a headache or a nuisance.
Obviously not always true, but I'm learning that there's much more to it than simply advocating for yourself. You have to be careful not to injure egos or offend doctors because you just might end up worse off (I sure did!)
Unfortunately not everyone has the means or ability to change providers when they find themselves stuck with a doctor who sees a patient who questions his decisions as a problem. Once you've been labeled a problem patient it is very difficult (impossible?) to be seen any differently.
I do advocate getting a copy of your records because that's the only way to know what's in them. My old records have some very unflattering comments about me. Knowing this , I was able to make the decision not to transfer my records to my new clinic and hand-select the parts that were relevant (test result sheets) while leaving out the pages that included rude commentary.
By law, we are all entitled to access our medical records and obtain a copy of them (hospital records too.) I think particularly in regards to fertility this can be helpful to the patient who usually is a bigger part of the decision-making process.
***
Added:
taken from privacy rights clearinghouse re: hipaa/medical records
Obviously not always true, but I'm learning that there's much more to it than simply advocating for yourself. You have to be careful not to injure egos or offend doctors because you just might end up worse off (I sure did!)
Unfortunately not everyone has the means or ability to change providers when they find themselves stuck with a doctor who sees a patient who questions his decisions as a problem. Once you've been labeled a problem patient it is very difficult (impossible?) to be seen any differently.
I do advocate getting a copy of your records because that's the only way to know what's in them. My old records have some very unflattering comments about me. Knowing this , I was able to make the decision not to transfer my records to my new clinic and hand-select the parts that were relevant (test result sheets) while leaving out the pages that included rude commentary.
By law, we are all entitled to access our medical records and obtain a copy of them (hospital records too.) I think particularly in regards to fertility this can be helpful to the patient who usually is a bigger part of the decision-making process.
***
Added:
taken from privacy rights clearinghouse re: hipaa/medical records
How do I get access to my own medical records?
HIPAA requires health care providers, health plans, and health care clearinghouse to allow you access to your medical records. Notices you receive from providers and plans must include information about how you can obtain copies of your medical records.
In addition to HIPAA, about half the states have laws that allow patients or their designated representatives to access medical records. Laws usually allow health care facilities to charge a "reasonable" fee for copying records.
If you receive care in a federal medical facility, you have a right to obtain your records under the federal Privacy Act of 1974 (5 USC sec. 552a, www.usdoj.gov/foia/privstat.htm)
We advise that you make your request in writing. For a sample letter, see www.privacyrights.org/Letters/medical2.htm. If you are denied access, you can file a complaint with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Service's Office of Civil Rights. (Contact information is provided at the end of this guide). Your state's medical privacy law might also enable you to file a complaint with state regulators.
Friday, January 12, 2007
PSA
Get a copy of your surgery report.
Apparently, one of my ovaries was adhered to my pelvic wall and no one told me.
There were a couple other details that I didn't know until I read the actual report. I'm not sure that this actually means anything, as they're all pretty minor findings (other than the endo and the fibroid that I already knew about,) but the details do matter when you're trying to formulate a plan for the future.
Apparently, one of my ovaries was adhered to my pelvic wall and no one told me.
There were a couple other details that I didn't know until I read the actual report. I'm not sure that this actually means anything, as they're all pretty minor findings (other than the endo and the fibroid that I already knew about,) but the details do matter when you're trying to formulate a plan for the future.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
red sock in my whites
setting: day three cyst check. I'm pants-free and the nurse has assumed the ute-check position.
nurse: did you get a regular period?
me: yes, why?
nurse: (still examining ute) your lining looks unusually thick
me: oh
nurse: you had bloodwork, right?
me: yeah, why? (I know why)
nurse: (mumbling) they do check hcg...
I tear up and pretend not to process what she's suggesting. I've had regular, red, clotty bleeding that was most certainly not implantation or any other such thing. I know I'm not pregnant.
She continues to poke around at my still-sore ovaries and declares my cysts too big (no freakin' duh) and offers me free samples of bcps. I tell her I still have some and she hands me a tissue for the tears that are trying so difficult not to escape. She tells me not to take anything until the evening in case they call me. Goody. A whole day of waiting to find out that I'm not pregnant. Even though I know I'm not, that teeny tiny piece of hope is enough to make me miserable.
***
I'm pretty sure we're done with IUIs. Clearly, they're not working. A case could be made that now that the endo is gone, there's a better shot now and there's no reason not to try a couple more times. Right now I'm thinking that we won't bother though.
For the last few days I've been hypersensitive. I've been doing a lot of crying. Nothing exceptional has happened, I'm just sad. Mourning, I guess.
nurse: did you get a regular period?
me: yes, why?
nurse: (still examining ute) your lining looks unusually thick
me: oh
nurse: you had bloodwork, right?
me: yeah, why? (I know why)
nurse: (mumbling) they do check hcg...
I tear up and pretend not to process what she's suggesting. I've had regular, red, clotty bleeding that was most certainly not implantation or any other such thing. I know I'm not pregnant.
She continues to poke around at my still-sore ovaries and declares my cysts too big (no freakin' duh) and offers me free samples of bcps. I tell her I still have some and she hands me a tissue for the tears that are trying so difficult not to escape. She tells me not to take anything until the evening in case they call me. Goody. A whole day of waiting to find out that I'm not pregnant. Even though I know I'm not, that teeny tiny piece of hope is enough to make me miserable.
***
I'm pretty sure we're done with IUIs. Clearly, they're not working. A case could be made that now that the endo is gone, there's a better shot now and there's no reason not to try a couple more times. Right now I'm thinking that we won't bother though.
For the last few days I've been hypersensitive. I've been doing a lot of crying. Nothing exceptional has happened, I'm just sad. Mourning, I guess.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
fuck part four
Well, that miserable bitch of a cycle is over.
The extreme bloat is finally gone and I can pretty much button my pants and sit down in them without "discomfort." What a relief, right? gah. How many more times am I going to do this to myself? That's a post for a less emotional day. Fucking hormones.
***
I meant to post this weeks ago and forgot. Sorry.
My lap recovery looked like:
Wednesday: surgery midday. They won't let you leave until you pee. This is much harder for some people than others, and I was told not to plan on being out of the hospital before dinnertime. I excelled at peeing and was asking for my pants (flannel, big, with penguins) as soon as they'd let me have them. I brought a pillow for the car ride home, but the painkillers were keeping me pretty comfortable already. Couch-bound for the rest of the evening/night.
Thursday: worst day. I was miserable with gas pains in my shoulder and the best way to get rid of it is to either lay completely flat (which didn't always help) or get up and walk around (which was sore on my abs.) The painkillers seemed less effective and my insides felt all mushy and unstable. I was walking in slow circles in my living room like a loon and feeling awful from both types of pain!
Friday: still on prescription painkillers. Spent most of the day on the couch. Still asking my mommy to please tie my shoes for me because bending--- no, thanks.
Saturday: painkillers am only. Felt much better, but not 100%. Still asking my mommy to please tie my shoes for me because bending was still unpleasant. Tired easily.
Sunday: I was feeling well enough to be on motrin (800) only, and was able to drive. I still felt much more tired than usual and couldn't stay out too long.
Monday: Wore regular pants again for short periods of time when I wasn't going to have to bend.
Tuesday: post-op appointment. Wore regular pants all day, stitches came out and was cleared for all activities that I felt like.
I kept band-aids/gauze pads over my incisions much longer than necessary (even after the stitches were out) because the sites were still sore if they had contact with my pants, panties, or an animal's enormous freaking paw. I highly recommend this.
At about one month after I still felt occasional pains inside near incision sites or areas that were cleaned up/manipulated, but it wasn't really bad and I didn't need to take anything for it.
So there it is.
Good luck, Liv, on your surgery this week!
The extreme bloat is finally gone and I can pretty much button my pants and sit down in them without "discomfort." What a relief, right? gah. How many more times am I going to do this to myself? That's a post for a less emotional day. Fucking hormones.
***
I meant to post this weeks ago and forgot. Sorry.
My lap recovery looked like:
Wednesday: surgery midday. They won't let you leave until you pee. This is much harder for some people than others, and I was told not to plan on being out of the hospital before dinnertime. I excelled at peeing and was asking for my pants (flannel, big, with penguins) as soon as they'd let me have them. I brought a pillow for the car ride home, but the painkillers were keeping me pretty comfortable already. Couch-bound for the rest of the evening/night.
Thursday: worst day. I was miserable with gas pains in my shoulder and the best way to get rid of it is to either lay completely flat (which didn't always help) or get up and walk around (which was sore on my abs.) The painkillers seemed less effective and my insides felt all mushy and unstable. I was walking in slow circles in my living room like a loon and feeling awful from both types of pain!
Friday: still on prescription painkillers. Spent most of the day on the couch. Still asking my mommy to please tie my shoes for me because bending--- no, thanks.
Saturday: painkillers am only. Felt much better, but not 100%. Still asking my mommy to please tie my shoes for me because bending was still unpleasant. Tired easily.
Sunday: I was feeling well enough to be on motrin (800) only, and was able to drive. I still felt much more tired than usual and couldn't stay out too long.
Monday: Wore regular pants again for short periods of time when I wasn't going to have to bend.
Tuesday: post-op appointment. Wore regular pants all day, stitches came out and was cleared for all activities that I felt like.
I kept band-aids/gauze pads over my incisions much longer than necessary (even after the stitches were out) because the sites were still sore if they had contact with my pants, panties, or an animal's enormous freaking paw. I highly recommend this.
At about one month after I still felt occasional pains inside near incision sites or areas that were cleaned up/manipulated, but it wasn't really bad and I didn't need to take anything for it.
So there it is.
Good luck, Liv, on your surgery this week!
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Part three
Did you think I would leave these guys out?
Boy
Girl kissing Boy
Girl
I just love this.
Sharing "hand me down" toys from my mom's puppy.
They were pretty good at my IL's for Christmas. They each got to open a present and Boy just ran happily in a circle with his wrapped toy in his mouth. Girl knew just what to do with hers and she ripped right into it. One of P's siblings gave them a bucket of treats too, and naturally they were very grateful. Girl was good about wearing her antlers, but Boy kept trying to remove his so we gave up on that.
Boy
Girl kissing Boy
Girl
I just love this.
Sharing "hand me down" toys from my mom's puppy.
They were pretty good at my IL's for Christmas. They each got to open a present and Boy just ran happily in a circle with his wrapped toy in his mouth. Girl knew just what to do with hers and she ripped right into it. One of P's siblings gave them a bucket of treats too, and naturally they were very grateful. Girl was good about wearing her antlers, but Boy kept trying to remove his so we gave up on that.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Part two
Christmas? Let's not talk about that yet. First, I must share with you some of my favorite holiday photos:
As you might imagine, it's not so helpful to have a kitty in your bag of bows. But he knew better. He'd found the holy grail.
As you might imagine, it's not so helpful to have a kitty in your bag of bows. But he knew better. He'd found the holy grail.
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