Saturday, December 01, 2007

birth story, part 2

sorry, I wasn't trying to be all cliffhanger-y, but that's kinda how things are right now. If I don't do this in parts, it may not get written at all!

Anyway, we had finished the paperwork and all the welcome-to-the-hospital procedures (IV, urine, monitor set-up, etc.) and it was time to begin the actual induction process. I had been measured earlier in the day (2cm, unchanged for weeks!) so I avoided being checked again. I did have an ultrasound at several times to ensure that baby was still head down. The cervadil was placed (easy - it's like a tiny tampon with prostaglandins on it) and I was instructed to stay in bed for two hours (much harder - I reallly had to pee. I was quite the clock-watcher during this time.)

Occasionally cervadil alone (no pitocin) is enough to start regular labor. This was not the case for me. Sometimes it can cause severe cramping and it needs to be removed. For me, the plan was to leave it in place until the morning and then check my cervix for progress. I did have some cramping, but it wasn't severe. I figured it was just doing its job. I was offered a sleeping pill and around midnight I took it. This was one of the benefits, in my opinion, to being in the hospital. I was pretty keyed up and it (the availability of drugs) helped me relax enough to rest (as much as you really can in the hospital.)

Well, at my morning check the cervadil was removed and resident #2 (AKA ChubbyFingers) declared me 1.5 cm dilated. The nurse informed him that I had been at 2 the day before and asked him if he was sure. He conceded that I might be 2, but it didn't matter to me, I was discouraged and felt like crying. He tried to tell me that the cervadil had done its job and made my cervix soft, but I felt like it had been a big waste. He may have been right, but it sure felt crappy to still be at a 2.

As planned, we began pitocin. I had yet another ultrasound to verify the baby's position, and the drip began. I felt a change pretty quickly. Now that I was finally feeling contractions and not just cramps, I felt like we were getting somewhere.

P turned the tv on and watched the Macy's parade. I wasn't able to watch tv because my blood pressure had gone up from being on my back for so long that they made me lay on my side and that faced away from the tv. Fine by me, I wasn't really interested in anything anyway. They were upping the pit every 30 minutes because my contractions weren't strong enough. They didn't feel awful yet, but they felt stronger to me than what the monitor was reading. They wanted to know my pain and I wasn't sure what to say (I loathe rating my pain with a number. If I haven't felt a 10, how would I know what I'm feeling now? I'm an overthinker.)

Eventually my doctor came in to check my progress and I think he was disappointed to see that I wasn't really making any by just increasing the pitocin. P had gone to go find some food and the doctor announced that it was time to break my water. That hurt like a sonofabitch. I'm not even going to describe how that felt. I'm not really a yeller, but there was some serious groaning and crying going on, as I was in quite a bit of pain. This was not an easy procedure at all for me, but I hoped it would encourage the baby to move down and go to work on my lazy cervix.

At this point, we'd expected to see some progress. I was feeling stronger contractions but they were only showing up sporadically on the monitor. P and I were watching and I'd have a particularly painful one that would barely spike on the screen. The doctor decided to place an internal monitor and I was relieved. As the nurse said, now I'd "get credit" for everything I was feeling. It worked. The picture was much more accurate now. I was having strong, regular contractions.

I was told I could get an epidural at any time. I didn't want to get it too soon, so I initially turned it down. About two hours after my water was broken though, I was ready. The anesthesiologist came, ordered P out, and set up shop. He said the first part would sting a bit and it did. Not bad though. I did not like the placement of it and how it felt like something was wiggling in my back. Then he said I'd feel an electric shock down my leg and I did. My legs and feet felt tingly, but not painful. The whole thing took about five minutes. He left and P came back in.

I noticed almost right away that while I was getting numb on my left side, nothing much was happening on the right. The nurse had me tip a bit onto my side in hopes that the medicine would then settle out on both sides. It did not. I was glad to have some relief, but I was concerned about the uneven effect. I asked the nurse if there was anything that could be done or if this was just how it would be for me and she said she'd go talk to the doctor. I was very strange to touch my stomach on the right and feel it completely and then not at all on the left. More importantly, I could feel my contractions completely on the right.

The anesthesiologist came back with a syringe and shot that into my line. Then he lectured me. "If I have to keep coming back in here to increase this, you're not going to be able to have this baby." He went on a bit, ignoring me as I tried to explain that I didn't ask for more drugs, I just wanted to know if it could be evened out. He was all high on himself and finally I just shut down and refused to respond to him with anything more than a general "uh-huh" and he left. Of course the tears started then. P was out of the room in a hurry after him and it's probably a good thing that the guy was already gone. He did find my nurse though and told her what had happened. She tried to make me feel better by basically calling the guy an ass and telling me that he'd been out of line, but the damage was done. He'd made me afraid to speak up about pain. I'm glad P was there to advocate for me because there was too much going on inside (emotionally, mentally, physically) for me to really do this for myself.

The baby had been at -3 station all along and was not descending into the birth canal. The reason the cervix dilates is pressure, but the baby was putting no pressure on my cervix. The doctor determined that the baby's head was not properly positioned. She was face-up and at an odd angle. The contractions were strong enough that the should have been doing something, but they were ineffective and I was getting pretty tired. We kept increasing the pitocin at regular intervals, and I kept having contractions that were getting me nowhere. We were into the evening and my doctor gave me another hour to hope for change, but honestly at that point we all knew where this labor was heading.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

birth story, part one

Last Wednesday's doctor appointment confirmed what I had already suspected: after 41 weeks of residence, my little girl was unwilling to give up her home. The doctor had already said that 41 weeks was going to be the end for me and we decided to induce. Starting that night.

So we went out to our last lunch together and talked about how we would have a baby, probably tomorrow, and made phone calls to our parents. We went home and packed up. I vacuumed the house. P cleaned the litter box and we asked the neighbors to look after the dogs. We took one last picture of me (ohmygoodness, do I look big!) for my mom, loaded up the car, and headed to the hospital.

I had preregistered, so we were able to head straight up to L&D. I got into my pretty, pretty gown and before I knew it I was hooked up to an IV and strapped to the monitors. I had a nurse and a doctor ask me a billion questions, most of which I had already covered in my paperwork and then with each of them, but I guess they have to ask. When he was done, the resident said, "Good. Now you can have a baby." Funny. Good thing I did that paperwork then. At least he was joking.

Crying baby, more to come.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


I'm very tired, so the story part will come at another time, but for now, I'm a mom.

Thank you for all the well-wishes!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Well, sex didn't get her IN there...

...and it looks like it won't be what gets her out either (and, um, thanks, Mom, for the suggestion!)

I have been a little jealous of people who have had their babies recently (sorry!) and especially those who had them early for whatever reason. If you had your baby on my due date (which is none of YOU) I'm probably irrationally cranky with you. Apparently, I've felt possessive toward that particular date.

Another week with NO progress, NO contractions, and NO change (even though I, at one point, was showing progression. grr.) has brought us to intervention time.

I'm guessing the odd (and sporadic, I swear) feelings of jealousy and frustration will all be over very, very soon.

I'll update when I can...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

the trouble with those helpful email newsletters

When you hit 40 weeks, your weekly emails start congratulating you on your newborn. Tons of tips on that first week, bonding, feeding, what your baby might look like, etc.

Not so helpful when you have yet to give birth and are still incubating.

Perhaps I'll be thankful for hospital food this year...

Monday, November 19, 2007

In support of gift receipts

Baby still on the inside.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

And this is why I don't call.

Thank you all for indulging my crankiness and neediness!

I took a fall this morning. Not a big one, just two steps, but I fell onto concrete and it hurt! Now, I assumed that this was not an emergency, but didn't know if it was something you're supposed to call the doctor about or wait or what. My main concern (other than DBTs, obviously) was that I'd miss some sign and assume it was "normal pregnancy" or a "normal early labor" thing and then be wrong. Was I sore because I'm always sore or because I fell? Are those early labor or pre-labor cramps or are they the placenta detaching from the uterus? What signs, specifically, should I be looking for as problematic? Anyway, I decided to call the doctor since I got yelled at (ok, not yelled at exactly, but shamed maybe) the last time something happened and I didn't call.

The answering service very helpfully informed me that if it was an emergency she could page the doctor or I could go to the ER and that if it wasn't I could call back tomorrow. See, that's my point. I don't know if this is an immediate thing or not. So, she paged the doc for me and he called back and told me that this is basically not a big deal as the uterus is a very good cushion (which I knew) and I didn't take any real impact on it, and to call back if the baby isn't moving.

I felt like a dumbass, so if you could indulge me one more time and tell me that I did the right thing by calling, that would be great.

Friday, November 16, 2007


It's been a rough week.

I'm going to preface this by saying that I've been feeling hypersensitive and frustrated in general. Little things are feeling very big right now. Everything's dire.

-At doctor's office, I have made no progress from last week. The doctor has stopped saying "could be next week, or you could call me tonight." I told the office ladies that if there was a pool, I'd put my money on me making my next appointment.

-Term assessment/biophysical profile/NST day. I registered ZERO contractions. Baby looks great, just completely uninterested in making any sort of exit. The swimming pool and all the room service she wants seems to be the preferable option. It's as if she moves towards the door, notes the fact that it's certainly too narrow, and heads back north.

I, on the other hand, lad a less pleasant hospital experience. I had a BP spike (ok, three or four readings) and a headache while I was there, so I got to spend hours before finally being released. It took two nurses three sticks to get blood because no one ever believes me when I tell them I have shallow veins. Also, I didn't know that I was having a NST (and I didn't know how long they take) so P and I were unprepared to just sit. For hours. And then wait for lab results after the test part was over. We were both bored, tired, hungry, and uncomfortable. My headache went away with two tylenol and a bottle of water and the BP went down with a position change, so I'm not preeclamptic.

-Someone wrote something on her blog that really bothered me. I don't want to specify, but it hurt my feelings and pissed me off. I've thought about this one line many times now, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to just let it go once I'm feeling more like myself.Obviously it's her blog and she's free to feel how she feels, but...

-I think someone flipped a switch on me on my due date. I was doing just fine with things up until *the day* and then suddenly I had this desperate feeling. It was easy to blow off the questions when I could say that "she's not even due yet!" and that *whoever was asking* ought to back off a bit. I was taking things with more humor and felt more relaxed in general about the baby taking her time. Now I'm getting depressed by the no contractions and no real early labor signs. (Babies come on their own schedule, not everyone feels the same things or has the same, if any, early signs, blah, blah, blah, I'd rather not hear any of this, thanks.)

-Our comforter is oversized, so I have to take it to the dry cleaner to be laundered. It is now wrecked and not usable, as all the stuffing is in a big ball in the middle. Just perfect. The weather is getting cold and we're expecting guests soon, so now I have to go shopping. Not what I wanted to spend money on.

-The mortgage payment that I mailed out the first week of the month never arrived, so now I have to do a stop payment and follow up on this. This would be an excellent time to be a fraud victim. Gah.

-And a million other tiny things that are probably no big deal, but are making me nuts anyway. So that's where I am. Here, at home, baby still on the inside.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

something I'm looking forward to (other than the obvious)

I really, really want to wear my wedding & engagement rings again. I haven't been able to for nearly half of this pregnancy (yep, they came off in the 20s somewhere. I didn't note it at the time because it depressed me. And I had not-at-all-dainty hands before this adventure!)

At first, it really bothered me. Then I sort of accepted it. Still, I get this occasional pang of sadness about it and I really want them back on. I miss holding P's hand and having him adjust my rings for me because the diamond is poking him. I miss just looking at them and remembering. And it bums me out to see them sitting in a dish on my dresser.

My MIL didn't take hers off in time when she was pregnant and had to have then cut off. Now she and FIL don't wear rings. I'm not usually so into symbols, and I know they're just "things" but I don't want that to be me.

So, if you had to take yours off, and you never were able to put them back on (or needed them resized) please, please don't tell me. I'd rather be under the illusion that at some point I'll be able to cram my sausages back into their platinum decorations.

Friday, November 09, 2007

"No baby yet."

One of the grandmas-to-be asks every day if there's a baby yet. So far, this is only minimally annoying. I try to remind myself that she's just excited, but sometimes I just want to scream. We'll call you. I swear. Just because we haven't called you today to chat does not mean that it's because we're at the hospital.

Also, I do not intend to pack a bag for the hospital in advance. This will not change no matter how many times you say that we "won't be ready" in that warning tone. We live literally five minutes from the hospital. I have a plan. I'm not worried, so why should anyone else be?


In other news, sore throat is still present. Persistent coughing, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, is very unhelpful.

Monday, November 05, 2007

some thoughts on winding down

I'm feeling a little depressed today. I'm sure it's due to a combination of things (lack of good sleep, hormones, a sore throat...) but knowing only makes so much difference.

One thing I've been thinking about in the last week is the idea that I'm not done being pregnant.

There are times, of course, when I'd love her to come on out NOW, please. Mostly, though, I'm not sure I'm ready to give her up. I know she's not
really going anywhere, but in some ways she is. Once she's born I'll have to share her. With P, the grandmas, the doctors and nurses, everyone. She'll no longer be just mine. Right now I'm connected to her in a way that can't be replicated by anyone. I feel her move and roll. Right now, at this exact moment, I am her world. I'm the gatekeeper.

Yeah, I know that's selfish-sounding, and that for all my self-importance, if she were born this very minute, I could die and someone else could care for her and she'd survive without me, but I'd be a selfish liar if I didn't admit to feeling this way.)

On the other hand, I do look forward to sharing our daughter with P. It must be hard to be on the outside of things. The other side to me having a baby-monopoly, I suppose.


There is a lot about this last bit of time that I want to remember. Even though it's not been the smoothest pregnancy ever, I have really enjoyed it. I wasn't sure that I would. I've wanted a baby for years now, and the being pregnant thing was a means to an end. Some people love it and others are really just in it for the final product. I didn't know which I'd be.

I'm very self-conscious about my body and it's been nice to not stress about my size or shape and just be. I like feeling special. I like when P asks, "Pregnant wifey?" even though it's not a question at all, but a comment. I like when he feels "the belly" or comments on its size (though sometimes this makes me feel BIG) and I remember that it's actually our baby living inside of me. I think that there's a part of him that really wanted a boy, but when he was allowed to choose the paint for the baby's room he didn't go with the neutral yellow we had once loved, but instead selected a very soft pink. However unpleasant some parts of this experience have been, there are parts that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I have no idea when this will all be over, as I could have a baby tonight or in a week, but in some ways it will be too soon no matter when it happens. I suspect this is how all of parenting goes.

Wow, writing that down really did help. I feel a bit better now. My throat still hurts and I'm tired, but I do feel less agitated. Odd.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

pulling away

Sorry. I'm having a hard time staying focused lately. I'm reading your blogs even though I haven't been much of a participant. My head's all over the place.

It's almost November.

Monday, October 29, 2007

one more reason it sucks when your husband is gone and you're pregnant and awkward and big and cry easily

(this got really long, which is just how it felt. you are under no obligation to read!)

At 2am I woke up to a beeping sound. I opened up my eyes, but did not get out of bed. I waited for more beeps (just to make sure I hadn't been dreaming) and I was rewarded. I struggled up and out of bed to investigate, but decided to pee first. A girl has priorities, you know.

I discovered that it was one of our smoke detectors, and had to stand directly under three different ones and wait for a beep to determine which one it was. Very annoying under normal circumstances, much worse in the middle of the night. I found the beeping and pulled a tall bar chair up under it so that I could reach. I looked at the chair and knew it would be a bad idea to climb up on it, but I really had no choice if i wanted the beeping to stop (and good lord, did I want it to stop!) So I very, very carefully hauled my large pregnant self up onto the chair and attempted to remove the smoke detector.

Eventually it came away from the ceiling, but I couldn't get the back off to get the battery out and it was suspended from it's power source so I was still fiddling with it while standing on the chair. I became mad at P for being gone and leaving me to deal with this and I felt like crying as the damn thing beeped in my hands. Then it stopped. I stood on the chair for several minutes to be sure and then climbed down. I decided to pee one more time and I went back to bed.

Fifteen minutes later the beeping started up again. I pondered just leaving it. Maybe I could sleep through the beeps. I covered my head and found my pillow an insufficient barrier against sound. This time I knew just how cold it would be if I got out of bed and was completely awake, so the idea of leaving my toasty covers was that much more unpleasant.

The beeping continued (of course) so I had no choice but to get up and deal with it. I walked down the hall, got myself back up on the big chair, and prepared to murder the smoke detector. Looking at the warnings of electrical shock and seeing visions of myself tumbling from the chair were not good for my overall emotional state. I couldn't get the thing apart and I considered calling P. What he was going to do about it from his hotel room in another state, I don't know, but I wanted desperately to share my misery and frustration with someone. I refrained, however, and he was luckier than he knows.

I tried again to pry the back off and felt huge relief when it opened up enough to wiggle the battery out. Until the fucker beeped again in my hands. I looked over to where there was a candle sitting in the room and considered starting a fire so that the smoke detector would have something to fucking beep about.

Instead I went downstairs in search of a new battery. Thankfully, we had one. Back upstairs and back up on the chair, new battery in hand, I was set. The end was in sight. Except I couldn't get the battery in properly. The back wouldn't come all the way off, so I had to fidget with it quite a bit. I began to tear up with frustration as the detector beeped again and again in my hands.

Eventually, the battery popped in and I exhaled with relief at not being shocked or falling down or something. I stood there waiting and the beeping did not resume.

It's there, dangling from the ceiling, as I refuse to climb the chair again, but it's quiet.

Relieved, I went back to bed.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I'm Henry VIII, I am

37 weeks = nothing!

Some people would be bummed to see no progress at this point, but I'm happy that the baby is unlikely to come this weekend. Unless, of course, there is something to the whole full moon theory (as I understand it, the water usually breaks when you're already IN labor, but sometimes the pull of a full moon can make an already distended bag of waters, like you'd find in very late pregnancy, break before labor spontaneously begins.)

If we can just make it to the 1st, P will more likely than not be here in town and I can stop stressing about being here by myself.

Is it a bad sign or a good sign that your doctor, when you suggest any date after the first, suggests that the 3rd would be a good day because it's his birthday and a Saturday? Does he really want to come deliver a baby on his birthday weekend?

I think of things to write all the time but somehow I never get around to it and then I forget them.

Monday, October 22, 2007

family update

Thanks for your concern about my family. Several people have been evacuated, but so far no property (that we know of) has been lost.

*Thinking of the displaced families, animals, and firefighters tonight.*

PSA: Have a family escape plan, it's not just important for natural disasters.

I do have more on that, but right now...

I'm tired. Just had another night where I spent several hours of it awake instead of sleeping. Not only does this deprive a body of rest, it deprives the mind of rest. And my mind needs it. Badly.

Here's a sampling of what I was thinking about when I should have been sleeping:

We spent more money on our nursery furniture than I was hoping to, though not excessively more, because we were impressed with the quality and safety standards the manufacturer adhered to. We just got started setting things up and we've discovered that the dresser is not level. It's not the floor, it's the dresser, and yes, I'm sure. I called the store I purchased from about this, but don't have resolution yet. In the meantime, I don't want to put things in the drawers because they tip forward. We could use shims to level it out, but for what we paid, I'd like the dresser itself to be level, please.

"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had, someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I Love you'..." (Rent)

The nursery is much smaller with furniture in it. So glad we only bought a crib and dresser because there isn't really room for anything else. A chair will be a challenge. Not that we have a chair because we couldn't buy one because I refused to put it on a credit card and...

There's a little family incident that is currently pissing me off. P did a nice thing for someone he's related to and made an online purchase on that individual's behalf (we do this frequently, as most of P's family is not computer-capable.) Then the person decided that they didn't want the item and told P to just sell it back (it was an ebay purchase.) So we've been out the cash for well over a month now as we tried to sort the problem out. Finally P just relisted the item, which did sell, but at a loss. I think that at the very least P and the family member ought to split the loss (truthfully, I think the person who wanted the item ought to take the whole loss, but that's not going to happen, so I figure it's just a costly life lesson.) I'm pretty sure though that we're taking the whole hit. While I'm glad to get part of the money back, I'm still pissed about the whole thing.

Wow, you can really feel the baby when she moves now that there's not really any room left. Sorry, kiddo, there's no room for me either. I usually keep my intestines much lower. Also, there is no exit on my left side, so please, please, stop heading there. I mean, if you're really set on staying transverse, fine, but know that you're not coming out on your own so OUCH, stop trying to find the door where there isn't one.

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes..." (Rent)

My family is in San Diego and some have been evacuated due to the wildfires.

It is too hot here for October. I'm tired of being hot. I love my cats, but damn, they're hot to sleep with sometimes. Oh, and as I suspected, one has already located the changing pad on the baby's dresser and has great respect and deep love for it's comfy nap virtues.

I was hungry, but I didn't want to have two breakfasts, so I decided to wait. Plus I didn't want to go downstairs and wake the puppies. I finally got irritated enough with myself and decided to get up anyway. I had a bagel and a glass of juice and turned the tv on and then off and told one puppy to go back to sleep and then went back upstairs myself.

I still need to turn in my pre-admission paperwork to the hospital so I'm in the system and then have my chat with the nurse about my post-delivery preferences. Going to do the paperwork thing today, not looking forward to the nurse part though.

Insert a few more verses from the Rent soundtrack and you pretty much have my early-morning non-sleep experience. I eventually drifted back to sleep, briefly, until it was time for P to go to work. I spent the rest of my morning feeling disoriented and groggy.

Hoping tonight goes better.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

36w = nothing.

For those people who keep saying "any time now," there is no change at all happening in my baby-expulsion area. Other than soreness, that is. No dropping, no dilating, very low-risk for having a baby this week.

My biggest delivery concern has become that I'll be alone for it. I don't want to get all into P's job, but the long and short of it is that while he has a very flexible schedule for the most part, there are some things that are non-negotiable (for example, the hospital tour day, the fact that he's been gone this week, and a couple other things that are still to come.) Not having my mom in the area for a back-up compounds the issue of aloneness.

So people insisting that the baby could come at any time now has really just been a stressor for me and it was a big relief to hear from my doctor that nothing's happening yet.

More to come on this topic...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

look what MY kid can do

I was so proud when, at my last appointment, we saw our little girl suck down some fluid and then show the doctor her practice breathing.

Genius? Show-off? Wonderful.

Friday, October 12, 2007

on tour

  • P was not able to make the hospital tour, and I was the only person to show up without a husband or boyfriend. The lady giving the tour made me announce this to the group by asking really loudly if I was alone or if we were waiting on someone.
  • The nurse walked much too quickly, given that all of us were within eight weeks of being due, and my pelvis was quite sore.
  • The L&D rooms are nice, though the one she showed us, for some strange reason, had no bed (the others were all occupied.)
  • We were not able to see the recovery/mom&baby area because they don't let people observe in that area in the evening. Yet they only schedule evening tours.
  • We saw the nursery. While everyone was oohing and ahhing over the (two) brand-new babies in there, I felt awful. One baby was awake and lying there alone in her bin in a diaper and moving her mouth all around. It was clear to me that she ought to be with her mother and I was barely able to stop myself from tearing up. Hormones.
  • It was explained to us that they "allow" the babies to stay in the L&D room with the mom for an hour before they take them to the nursery. For FOUR hours. I was the pain in the ass person who wouldn't let this go and kept asking why this was policy even for healthy babies and healthy moms.
  • I did not get an answer I was happy with. So what if dads are "allowed" to go with the baby to the nursery? Who cares if I'd rather have him go with her than stay with me? Why on earth should I have to make that choice at all if we're all healthy?
  • "So you're interested in non-separation?" the nurse asked me. Well, I hadn't really thought about it that way. I mean, I don't have a problem with her going to the nursery for some stuff (or lots of stuff, if it's medically necessary) but I just don't see the benefit of taking a newborn away from her mother for four hours when there's nothing wrong. One thing the nurse tried to bring up was temperature control, but as I understand it the best way for babies to get that down is skin-to-skin contact with mom. I mean, up until an hour before that, she'd have been living INSIDE of ME, so... Anyway, I was given the name and number of someone I need to work it out with if I don't want my baby taken away.
  • It felt very polarizing, as though I was being forced to choose sides. Some of the other parents were looking at me as though I was dense or something and just couldn't understand what the lady was saying, but I did notice one other mom-to-be nodding. She thanked me after for asking my questions, which made me feel much better and much less crazy.
  • After talking to the nurse one-on-one I liked her better (and I think she liked me better when I wasn't calling her out in front of the group) and I do like this hospital overall. The people I've met have all been very friendly and we know a couple of people who work there. It's five minutes from my house. My OB only delivers there, so unless I want to make some big changes (which I do not) I have to find a way to work within this system. Hopefully I'm able to do this to my satisfaction.
  • I also like the level of security they have. (I'm sure my little girl will look just lovely with her little felon-lite ankle bracelet on!)

Monday, October 08, 2007


I apologize. If I ever tried to sympathize with you about insomnia, I did mean it, but damn, I had no idea. Is this just how it's going to be until the end now? (and if you'd like to helpfully suggest that it's preparation for the baby, feel free to ingest your own pillow.) The notion that you're going insane is very very real. Last night I had the feeling that my insides were somehow separate from my outsides. I need a nap.

Thursday, October 04, 2007


I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you, but I did a week later eventually call the hospital back and successfully made an appointment for a tour.

But then P learned that he had to go out of town the day before the tour and maybe, just maybe, if he drove really fast all day long, he'd be able to make it back here to NewCity with seconds to spare.

So I called the nice lady back and rescheduled for another day.

And then P told me that he just got word that he'll be gone for the entire week of the new appointment.

So I called the nice lady back again (apologetically and embarrassedly.) Too bad for us, there aren't any other slots open until November, which would be silly because when I go to the hospital in November I'll pretty much just want a place to give birth and even though we'll be bringing the camera, touring is just not what we had in mind.

So we're back to my original date, where P probably won't make it, but could. The very nice lady on the phone let me know that I could bring someone else, like my mom or my best friend and I thanked her and then got off the phone and cried. There isn't anyone else here. My mommy lives way far away and so does my best friend. When I'm on my own, I'm really on my own.

I was hoping upon hope that P would be able to make it to this appointment (he is really good about attending everything possible and while neither of us wanted to take a class, we both did want to take the tour.) I've probably made the whole thing more important than it is, but there you have it.

I now found out that his meeting has been pushed back later in the day and that there's no way for him to make it home in time. I'm for sure going alone and I hate it.

In the back of my mind I've been worried about October for a while now. I knew there were a few things he had to go to that would take him away and had been trying not to think about it. This little tour problem has made it impossible to ignore the fact that even with the most supportive, attentive, and conscientious husband, ultimately I could be on my own for the birth day. And I'm really sad about that. When we moved here it was supposed to be less travel, less time away from home, and it has been. Mostly. Timing just sucks right now. And I need to whine about it a little because I'm feeling depressed.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

three babies

Sometimes it feels like I have three distinctly different babies.

The first is the one I think about, imagine. This is a hypothetical baby, a concept. She's the one I've bought dresses for in big sizes because they've all been clearanced for the summer. When I've bought baby items in general, they've been for hypothetical baby (or for future gifts - I'm a sucker for a bargain!) When looking at cribs, I was thinking of the safety of hypothetical baby. Which stroller would be the most comfortable to ride in? I'm not sure that I could truly imagine our baby using these items. I think many of us have some form of hypothetical baby. Until we have an actual baby, we can really only imagine what our own baby will be like. Will it be a boy or girl? What's it's birthday? Will it look like us? Will it be easy? Cranky? Will it like me?

The second baby is the alien I feel in my uterus. I can call this baby my parasite and it doesn't feel mean. This is the being that grinds into my bladder, stretches big and tall and really enjoys pushing the limits of her environment. I see my stomach moving around, but I can't actually see a baby. It's really cool, but completely freaky. It's this baby that is the reason I can't bend. It's this baby that my mind connects to the constant reflux, and it's this baby when I vomit water in my mouth (love her? of course, but I don't picture her in a pretty outfit or playing with a toy. I picture my intestines and colon being compressed into the lung region!) This is probably the baby that is most real, only because it is difficult for my mind to disconnect from something kicking me. Even if it is coming from the inside.

The third baby is elusive. She is the actual baby that we will bring home. She is what we made from us. This is the baby who will receive a name we've (somewhat painfully) selected for her and who will live in the room that we're hard at work on. She's the one who needs diapers and is who everyone is so anxious to meet. She's the one her grandmas will not give up once they get their paws on her. She's going to be our daughter. She's not always going to be a baby - she will be a little girl and an adolescent and an adult and an old lady. As much as I can feel a baby moving and shifting and turning inside of me, this is the baby who will be the real one.

There are times when my babies collide.

Hypothetical baby in the crib becomes my actual baby as I feel the alien kick me and my dinner comes back to greet me and I think of the recent study showing a link between heartburn and hair.

Alien baby comes to life during ultrasounds and I can see her legs kicking me as I feel them kicking me, and I know she's not indigestion or a cat or something, and the doctor refers to the actual birth of this actual baby and even though I am able to speak clearly to him, my mind is a little fuzzy with the idea that it's all somehow related.

Even as my due date gets closer and things become more real and I'm more and more convinced that I'll be bringing home an actual, live baby, there's still some of that disconnect between what I feel in my body and what I know in my mind and what I feel with my heart.

I wonder if, on her birth day, this baby will become one whole as I am finally able to put the pieces together.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How freaking cute is this?

I am in love with the ears!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Of note

Item#1 - Thanks for the well-wishes. Being sick blows and I think I'm finally starting to kick this bug. That business about having a weaker immune system when pregnant rings true here. This head cold really kicked my ass! Stay healthy.

Item#2 - Mood swings/hormonal shifts fully in gear. Had a minor freak-out over a stroller this morning. I may or may not share the lunacy with you all at a later time. P thinks I've gone crazy, and I can't really disagree with him.

Item #3 - As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about the baby. I found myself wondering what it will sound like when she laughs. Just imagining it... indescribable.

Saturday, September 22, 2007


i had a slight sore throat that has turned into a miserable cold. i've spent the better part of the last four days on the couch. i was sick at the beginning of this pregnancy and didn't want to take anything and was able to make it through without. all this time, nothing byt tylenol for the occasional headache. yesterday i had to take a benadryl so i could rest and i felt really guilty. i took another when i went to bed and worried about the baby. i know it's ok because i've already gotten the ok on benadryl, but i still hated to take anything. odd for a person who is generally quite happy to take anything that will help. i'm probably getting dehydrated, but i can't seem to help it. anyway, i feel like absolute crap.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Mazel Tov!

Congratulations, Karen, on the birth of your triplets!

Monday, September 17, 2007

putting the "ass" in embarrassed

Here's why I dislike "just leaving a message," particularly for businesses:

1. I have no way of knowing if they got the message or if they really do intend to return my call. I suspect I'm not as important as they've lead me to believe.

2. If I do not receive a return call, how long am I supposed to wait before calling again?

3. I prefer to speak with a human.

4. When put on the spot, I sometimes space on my phone number (when I know I'll need to give it, I often have it written down ahead of time.)


I've been trying to schedule a L&D tour at my local hospital for two (three?) weeks now, but no one is answering the phone. I didn't want to leave a message for the reasons listed above, but finally, today, I decided that due to TIME RUNNING OUT, I'd better just suck it up and leave the message and hope for the best. After being reassured how important I was, I was given a long list of details to include in the message (and though I can remember them now, here, quite clearly, I began to panic a little at the thought of remembering them all once the exceptionally long recording gave me the opportunity.)

I heard the beep.

I said my full name.

And choked on my phone number, felt like an asshole, and hung up without leaving the rest of my message.

I'm pretty sure it went like this, "Hi, my name is Twirl. My phone number is.... wow, I can't remember my phone number." Click.

So now I have NOT scheduled my tour, I have NOT left a (returnable) message, and I feel like much too big an ass to call back anytime soon. I get it that it's not the end of the world or the biggest deal ever, but why couldn't someone just answer the phone?

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I'm looking at you, too.

We were walking through the hospital and P pointed out that a particular nurse was kind of staring at me oddly. Naturally, I wondered why.

According to P, I had no big booger, TP on my shoe, tags sticking out, or giant spots of food on my shirt, so I really don't know why the odd stare.

Sometimes, just walking through the grocery store or something, I think that there must be an infertile person who is hurt by seeing me pregnant. It is on those days that I wish I had a sign that read, "it took four years! and a relaxing vacation never helped!" but then I realize that it wouldn't matter. Four years, four months, whatever, I still have something that someone else doesn't have, can't have, and I know how that feels. I wish I could make it better. I wish everyone was this lucky. I wish...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

We *heart* NY

We're going to be a little busy this coming anniversary, so we decided to go on a trip a bit early and call it an anniversary/"babymoon"/last two-person hurrah for a good long while. We had a gorgeous room at the Ritz-Carlton, New York, Battery Park. When we arrived at our hotel, we were upgraded to a corner suite with a fantastic view of new york harbor on one side and the city on the other:

Did you know that you can take a picture through a telescope? (that was in the room already! what a great toy to include!)

We're going to have to wait on our traditional champagne toast (where we, um, drink the whole bottle like the night we got engaged) but we had a fantastic time just being together with no distractions.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

maybe she reads my blog

I ran into a woman at BRU who was shopping for her six month old daughter. The baby kept staring at me so I said hello and smiled at her and told her that she had a lovely bib. Mom and I chatted for a few minutes and then parted ways. About 45 minutes later I was in Target looking at bumbo seats and saw the same mom. Again we talked for a minute and then parted ways. It was a neat coincidence and left me wishing I had thought to ask her for her phone number or something but it didn't occur to me at the time and I'm not really sure that's appropriate anyway. Is it? Sometimes I feel so incredibly socially inept.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

We coulda picked a boy's name, easy.

Naming a baby is hard.

I've named every doll or stuffed animal I've ever owned (and am still the proud owner of Jennifer, Kimberly, and possibly Lisa, who reside in a box. somewhere.) I used to play school (mostly by myself) and pretend to be the teacher. I had an old log book where I'd have full names listed for my 32 students. I selected the names for each of our pets.

I've always loved names. I like letters and I like seeing how things look and sound and flow. I have the name book that my mom used to select my name and my brother's name. I like seeing what she highlighted but didn't end up picking.

Like most girls who were born in the 70s, I knew (know) my fair share of Jennifers, Melissas, and Sarahs. Even though I didn't have a top 10 name, it was common enough and I loathed being "Twirl LastInitial" in school. My name is unisex and it was a pain to be "theGirlTwirl" in class. My mom spelled my name in a less common way, and so I had that to correct that as well. On one of my name plates (you know, the things taped to the desk) my teacher added an extra letter to the end of my name and when I corrected her, she colored over the letter and made it into a house. I liked that even less than my last initial.

I used to want to change my name (to, um, Morgan Fairchild, which I thought sounded lovely even though I had no idea who she was at the time.) I have since legally added the extra letter to my name to make it the most common spelling. I like how it looks now and I correct people much less frequently.

I think about these things a lot when considering a name for my daughter. I'm committed to the most common spelling of any name and roll my eyes at the "creative" spellers (so sorry mom, I know you thought it was pretty!) Among my top 20 names, there was only one gender neutral name. Would she care if she ran into a boy with the same name? I used the SSA list as a starting point for name gathering and, much to the irritation of helpful-name-suggesters, have refused to consider anything in the top 20. Would she care if she had to use her last initial? I've pored over popularity ratings and trends for each name I've considered, trying to determine if what I'm thinking of will become "the next jennifer/madison/emily."

P thinks I'm nuts. I took the top 1000 for 2006 and began eliminating. I whittled the list down to 50 or so before I let P begin eliminating. He got us down to 20. From there, I've had a list on the fridge since we found out she was a girl. I've liked mulling over the possibilities. People ask if we have a name yet and seem surprised when I tell them that I'm just enjoying the process of choosing. They usually smile at me and say, "you have time" or "well, some people don't decide until the baby is born" or something like that because they don't believe me that I don't want to rush the decision.

I've let P do most of the crossing off since the original list was mine to begin with. I think we're down to three now. As much as I've enjoyed thinking about this, I'm ready to have a name selected. I'm feeling a little panicked that there isn't one clear winner standing out yet. I know it works for some people, but I don't want to take a list into the delivery room with me. But I want to love what we pick and so I'm second-guessing myself on the final three. I want it to be right.

If I loved one of them, wouldn't I know? Or is it something you can grow into?

I could totally ramble on about this for many more paragraphs (initials! nicknames! my love affair with the letter A!) than you'd probably care to read. I may have already. I really ought to just. stop. typing.

Ridiculously obvious conclusion of the day: The reality of naming a human is much more complicated than naming a doll or a pet or an imaginary classroom of students.

Friday, August 31, 2007

At the end of the day, it's the "being a mommy" that's most important to me.

Is anyone else not planning to take any childbirth classes? Because I seriously can't be the first person ever to think it is unnecessary (for me. you may feel totally different and I respect that. I swear!) I pretty much figure she's going to make an exit from my body one way or another, regardless of breathing technique or maternal preparedness.

When my nurse asked me about it and I told her that we weren't planning on going, she didn't blink. The doctor, however, seemed a bit surprised. As was my neighbor. And my verybestfriend (though after discussing it, she totally got me and she was just thinking that I'd do it because I'd want the "whole experience." bah.)

Did you know that you have to pay for these classes? How do poor people have babies if they can't pay for the classes? I'd rather spend the money on something else. And if you think I'm going to bring my pillow anywhere near a hospital floor, you may as well keep riding the elevator to the psych floor. Also, the whole group thing is really, really not for me. I loathe public participation in classes. Now, if this was a thing where we all got to sit at really big desks, preferably in a recliner of some sort, and listen to someone provide valuable info that I couldn't obtain anywhere else, you'd be much more likely to get me to hand over my credit card. But it's not. I'm pretty sure there are no recliners, and this is not top secret information.

I'm pretty sure I'm the type who will be really annoyed if someone keeps chanting "breathe" at me. As I commented on someone else's blog recently, I'd totally give birth alone under a staircase if I thought I could get an epidural delivered there. Between my tendency toward hemorrhagic cysts (remember, where you bleed out into your pelvis? SO fun!) and endo pain, I think I have a handle on my preferred pain-management style. And that, folks, would be drugs and a retreat into my own head. Not a happy place, not a focus object, not "soothing" music, and not my husband telling me what to do!

Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe it's because I'm a birthing virgin. You can laugh at my ignorance if you like. I may have a horrible experience all because I wasn't prepared enough. But it seems to me that there are plenty of people who end up not getting just what they want regardless of what they do or classes they take. I've already discussed my "birth plan" with my doctor. It was three sentences: "Healthy, live mom. Healthy, live baby. And I'd really rather not have an episiotomy please." He seemed fine with that. At this point, the "how" of birthing just isn't that important to me. Are there things I'm nervous or unsure about? Of course. But I'm thinking everyone is nervous or unsure to some extent, even those who choose to go to classes and write up a detailed birth plan.

I'm most looking forward to the after...

(ok, not the immediate after, really, but you get what I mean.)

*I do intend to sign up for the (free) L&D tour so I can see everything, get preregistered, etc. If I'm ever in the same place as the phone number, my phone, and a calendar, that is.*

Monday, August 27, 2007

placenta update

I had another hospital scan to check the placenta. As a recap, I have a marginal placenta previa (where the placenta is within 5cm of the cervix, but not completely covering the cervix.)

With a complete previa, the only safe delivery option is a c-section, and with a partial or marginal previa, a c-section is considered a good option when the placenta is close enough to be a hemorrhage risk. Most (upwards of 90%) low-lying, marginal, or partial previas move up as the uterus grows in the second trimester and do not pose any danger to the mom or baby once they've moved away from the cervix.

Mine hasn't moved. Not a bit. I'm still at 2cm. I would have expected to see some movement by the third trimester, so I'm not sure if I should expect it to go anywhere at this point. What does this mean?

I could be one of the 10% who doesn't have the placenta move, OR

have the placenta move a bit sometime between now and delivery -and-
-it might not move enough and still may require a c-section for a safe delivery -or-
-it will move enough to have a vaginal delivery

I've seen 5cm away as the threshold for safely delivering vaginally, but it's subjective. I don't yet know what my doctor's opinion is as it was too early to discuss it when we found it and I haven't had my follow-up with him yet. At the very least, I'll likely be going for at least one more hospital ultrasound to check placement and/or movement as we get closer to the end.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

on the phone with the inlaws

MIL: So do you have a name yet?

P: Not yet, we're down to those four I told you.

MIL: Well, you have time. Maybe you'll think of some others.


P & FIL are talking about nothing.

MIL: (in background, says something P can't make out)

FIL: I'm not asking him about that!

P: ?

FIL: (slightly disgusted) Your mom wants to ask you some questions.

MIL: Is Twirl planning on breastfeeding?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


I like things clean and I love to organize. I have always believed that I'd be a prime candidate to go crazy nesting, but I didn't think it would start this early.

I live in a house with a full basement. Much to my neighbors' shock, it is nearly empty. We have a washer and dryer down there and on one short wall there are some neatly stacked boxes. Mostly holiday stuff, teaching supplies, and books. When we got a new couch, we didn't put the old one down in the basement. When we began to clear out the baby's room, we found a new home for the futon (guest bed) in another room. Being basement newbies, we didn't even realize how much garage stuff could really be basement stuff until last winter. Now the basement is the winter home of P's bicycle and two garden hoses. So you see, we are a curiosity around these parts to those who've always had basements and delighted in filling them with crap. I, on the other hand, am feeling the pressure to get rid of stuff.

I loathe holding yard/garage sales. How much is this? A quarter. Will you take 15 cents? UGH. But it is a good way to get rid of things, and I find myself wanting to take advantage of the end of summer and get rid of some things we don't need. I've considered craigslist, but for some reason that seems like even more work. But I have a million precious moments that are just taking up space in a closet (I collected them once upon a time, but haven't really been interested in them for several years now.) And then there's the microwave that's brand new but hasn't been used in two moves and the baker's rack that doesn't fit in the kitchen, but doesn't match my dining room, and the extra tv set... Too. Much. Stuff.

So I've been thinking about the organization stuff for a while now, but being on light duty, there's not much I can do but plan and obsess. On Saturday I decided that I could no longer stand the dirty carpet in the living room and began to give it a good once over with the vacuum (very carefully, of course) but it wasn't good enough. It looked like there was a lot of dog hair and dirt in the canister, so I took that apart and cleaned it. And then went to work to remove the inner filter and cleaned that. Then I got an exacto knife out and used it to cut away any dog hair left in the brush on the bottom, but couldn't get it clean enough. So I found a screwdriver and took the bottom of the vacuum apart so that I could clean it. Yes, folks, I took apart and cleaned my vacuum this weekend. Heaven help the person who turns off the ceiling fans because I know they're filthy and I have this urge...

I'm also wanting to change my blogger template. I don't feel like fussing with it myself at this point (which is why you have seen no changes) but you just never know.

And I still have 12 weeks to go.

Friday, August 17, 2007


I can't believe it, but I passed the GD screening! I really thought I'd need to take the three hour test. For the time, at least, my bagels are safe.

My iron is a tiny bit low, but nothing too concerning.

The baby is (still) a girl, and doesn't look as if she intends to grow any additional parts. We finally got a clear view and I'm very relieved that the doctor was correct before.

Even though I feel her kick a lot now, there's nothing in the world like hearing her heart beating.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

It's all relevant to something, I'm sure of it.

1. Today is 27 weeks. Second trimester is very nearly over (or over altogether depending on your counting.)

2. I still have a sore spot on one cheek from the PIO shots. It's not always sore, but it's enough to be a reminder.

3. I had a dream that another blogger was pregnant. She was told she was having a girl and then later found out that it was a second boy. I really, really hope this was not secretly about me. There would be a ton of returns to make.

4. I took my 1hr gestational diabetes screen last week. I'm convinced I failed. I'm thinking I'll get the results at tomorrow's doctor visit. I could make a very long and rambly post about it, but the bottom line is that I'm really scared that I'll eventually have to give up bagels (the ONE food that does not ever cause reflux.) I know I'd have to fail the 3hr too before we start worrying about that, but hey, worrying is the one thing I don't procrastinate about!

5. Um, what else?

Monday, August 13, 2007

hijacking someone else's mommy

P really does not care about nursery furniture. He likes quality, but as far as style goes he claims not to have an opinion (he does, really, he just thinks he doesn't. Believe me, he sure knows what he doesn't like!) So my solution is to do the looking on my own and then show him any possibilities. All of that is to explain why he did/does not go with me when I went/go shopping. My mom can't go with for obvious reasons, and I don't really have any girls to go with so alone it is.

I was in USA Baby and checking out their matte white furniture options. A saleslady had pointed out all of the possibilities and I was walking around alone absorbing them when I noticed that another woman was admiring the same crib as me. We started up a chat about it and I learned that her daughter was pregnant with her first child, a girl, in November, and was looking for matte white furniture. So I offered to show her what the saleslady had showed me and we walked around the store together chatting about cribs and finishes (we both adore cherry, but I'm reluctant because of how scratches/teeth marks show...) and names, etc. Me and someone else's mommy.

So, if you live, you know, here, and your mom mentioned walking around the store with some random pregnant lady, know that your mom was nice to hang with for a bit. Not having your own mom around is rough, but sometimes you get lucky and having a loaner mom, even for an hour, was cool.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

So sorry, but this is mostly about baby products (carseats.)

Just a warning.

After exhaustive research, I decided to get the Chicco Keyfit30. It's more expensive to start, but I like that you get more than 4-6 months of use out of it. It gets good feedback from parents and certified carseat techs have rec commended it as well. (I've totally been lurking carseat boards. I have way more info on this topic than I thought I 'd ever need!) Some people balk at the weight, saying that you wouldn't keep carrying it around because it'll get too heavy, but really, who cares if you eventually just leave it in the car and carry your baby another way? Just because it can be used as an infant carrier doesn't mean you're obligated to use it that way when it's uncomfortable.

I didn't place it on my registry yet because as of now the only color out is an ugly orangey-tomato color and I'm hoping the rest of the options come out before November.

I was at Target yesterday and I scored an awesome deal. I picked up a Graco SafeSeat1 (SS1) for just $32.48! Brand new, manufactured this year! They're not carrying them any longer (at least in stores) and I got the last one. They still have them available online for their full price... $129.99! So awesome. So for less than the price of a second infant base I got a whole second seat. This was my second choice seat (again, because of the higher height/weight limits) so I'm totally thrilled with my find. I still kinda want the keyfit, but for now I'm basking in the glory of my excellent deal.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Yesterday was a secret milestone for me. I hit the "100 days to go" mark. I didn't tell anyone that I was watching for that day, and developmentally there's nothing special about it, but for me, psychologically, it was important. I've been having internet problems (it took me three days to get that last post up, minus two additional pictures!) and so I forgot to post and now it's 99 days, which is also very exciting. I'm not sure what number I'll latch onto next, and if there is one, I'm not sure I'll remember it because I currently suck at remembering stuff. But I'll let you know. Or at least I'll mean to.

Monday, August 06, 2007

For what it cost, at least it gets plenty of use

My snoogle, (under the blanket) in all its daytime glory:

Thursday, August 02, 2007

"so much stuff"

I want to start this by saying that I'm really enjoying being pregnant. I LOVE feeling my little girl kicking and rolling around (though, honestly, I could do without the bladder-grinder part) and I actually feel pretty good about my body. I like thinking baby thoughts even when they seem abstract. My MIL is beyond thrilled and I'm really happy about that. My own mom and grandparents are over the moon as well, even if they're sad it's all happening so far away. Finally, I feel like I can be a source of good and happiness for others instead of a depressing downer.


I walked around BRU with my mom once, when I was visiting, and it was kind of fun. I liked going with her and looking at things and seeing how excited she got at the idea of a 9lb stroller that folded up with one hand. I went with P once and was totally amused by him pulling strollers down and test driving them and watching him fold them up but then not being able to pop them open again so that when we left the section there was a line of closed up strollers resting awkwardly on the display shelf (sorry, BRU people, at least we gave you something to do!) And I went one day alone. Mostly, I prefer to shop alone. I like to take my time and look at what I want without worrying about other people. But that day hormones were getting the best of me as I looked around the store and saw people all in pairs. Husbands and wives, mothers and daughters, friends and sisters. I felt alone. Sometimes there are disadvantages to being a loner.


With all my unhappiness about the idea of a shower, you may have guessed that registering would also be a challenge for me. Even as I poo-poo-ed the shower idea, I knew I'd still need to do a registry. Our families are spread out over sevenish different states and the "what do they need/want?" question was bound to come up, (and has, frequently) so a registry it is.

Now, I approach baby products like I do everything else. (Exhaustive) research, read reviews, be sure, discuss with P, then purchase. I became obsessed with carseat safety and to that end, I feel very satisfied with my choice. It turns out that the carseat was the easy part. How do I select a pack n play? What color high chair should I choose? Just how important are sheets with elastic all the way around and is a mattress pad even safe for a baby? What's the deal with the diaper genie 2? If we empty the diapers daily does it even matter what type of disposal system we pick? I can easily become overcome with indecision on the trivial things, and safety issues really put me over the top!

So, I've been researching for weeks now. And for weeks now P and I have been getting the "when are you gonna register?" question. At first, it was easy because I was able to say "not until we know the gender" and no one could really argue it. Now that we know.... well, let's just say that people are starting to shop and it's in my best interest to get a registry up and running so that we get the things we really want (I don't really care if people want to buy gifts from wherever, and they are, of course, free to choose what they'd like, but since they're asking...) MIL keeps telling P how we need "so much stuff."

So I've started my registry online and put a handful of things on it. But I still need to go to the actual store and walk around with the damn scanner. And soon. Today maybe?

There's not much of a point to this post, really, but if you have a product that you love, I'd be glad to hear about it.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

on gender

I've had this post in my head for weeks now, but haven't been able to actually write it out. With all the gender hoopla (crappy ultrasound day, impossible positioning, not being able to find out, being disappointed about that,etc.) I really wanted to put my feelings aside for a while on that subject. Partly because I don't want to be obsessed about gender and partly, if I'm honest, I don't want to be seen as overly concerned about it to others.

Here's the gist: I've been asked if I have a gender preference by many people and I always say that I don't. And that's the truth. I went back and forth many times thinking that I'd LOVE a boy or that I REALLY want a girl and I couldn't make up my mind. Then I came to the realization that I WIN EITHER WAY! I like telling people that.

Anyway, I was going to write all about my feelings on each and why and all this other crap, but the truth is, now that I know that this baby is a girl I can't make myself finish writing it all out. That's what happens when you let posts roll around in your head for too long. Now I can't even remember all that I wanted to say because my brain has been taken over by someone else and all I can think about is pink things and little dresses.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

24 weeks

viability. what an awesome word. this is a huge milestone for me. they would really try to save my baby if it was born right now, today, and it would actually have a shot at making it. obviously i don't want my baby to be born at 24 weeks, but it's amazing to me that there's even a possibility for a non-tragic outcome.

there's a real, living, human rolling around in me. and it's more likely than not that it will stay that way. you know, alive. it's really mind-blowing.

at this point, my brain has gotten quite mushy and i frequently forget what i was going to say or do. i can't seem to come up with the proper words for things. i am the cliche that can't remember why i went downstairs. clearly, there's a leech sucking away my brain power.

i like how my belly feels. i like seeing it, and i like how i look with it. i'm even not so hateful about my infertility pounds. what i'm not wild about is the fact that polishing my toenails on my own may not be a possibility any longer, but i can live with that.

my very favorite thing is to feel the baby move. even when this morning we had another round of grind-mommy's-bladder-into-a-pancake-with-my-skull so that i was unable to get out of bed for about an hour due to the searing pain, i was actually happy to feel the baby moving. the movements are bigger, stronger, and more frequent. we play poking games with each other. this is, so far, my favorite part.

Monday, July 23, 2007

sucker punched

Alternate titles:

  • Infertility: The Gift That Keeps on Giving
  • How NOT to Keep Money in Your Savings Account
  • Bending Over: What They Don't Tell You About Lab Work
  • My Baby Sleeps in a Dresser Drawer Because We Had Nothing Left to Buy a Crib


Is it just me, or does no one really explain about the lab work fees? At my RE's office, I would regularly pay a fee for blood draws along with all the other procedure fees (ultrasounds, office visits, etc.) A few months after my initial appointment I began to get bills from Quest for my labs. They had been billed to my insurance and were usually partially covered, so they were never really extreme and I just paid them. It worked differently with my old RE at the ClinicFromHell, so at first, I had no idea that the bills were coming. Once the billing all caught up I got to know what to expect and it was no big deal.

When we began IVF, we knew we would not have insurance coverage.I worked out a deal with my doctor and we were able to get into a low-cost (ha!) program that made IVF accessible to us. I stockpiled stims in advance so that when I filled prescriptions for steroids, antibiotics, progesterone, needles, etc. they would be covered. I was labeled a "self-pay" patient and the (fabulous) billing lady made sure to only bill for services that would be covered and not raise any red flags. It was still expensive and I'm not ashamed to say that it wiped out most of our savings.
Still, we were very lucky. We were lucky to have a doctor work with us, we were lucky to respond to stims that I was able to gather in advance, we were lucky to have any savings to begin with, we were lucky that it worked.

I'm still paying for my February/March bloodwork. The bills seem to trickle in and they've all been manageable so far. At the time, since I had worked out a fee for my RE, I didn't realize that I was still on the hook for the blood, but I am and that's just the way it goes. Not exactly how I understood, but in this case, that's probably my fault and not the end of the world.

Of course, now, in JULY, we just got a huge lab bill for P. His JANUARY pre-IVF blood screens were not covered services. Apparently, this was also not a part of the package fee that the doctor explained. Naturally, P's labs were denied by insurance (and honestly, if I had really understood what they were doing at the time I would have known that they weren't covered, so it's not like they're the bad guys - other than not providing the coverage in the first place, of course.) So we're legitimately on the hook for this bill and it sucks.

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes because, really, what's another grand? I know. I swear, I do. I'd pay that and more to have this baby, but I do feel like I've been sucker punched. I didn't see this one coming at all.

I really wanted to donate my leftover meds, but now I'm considering charging a small fee for them. I feel guilty doing this, and I know it wouldn't make a dent in this bill, but money is starting to stress me out (to the point I've considered revising my NEVER AGAIN policy on yard sales!)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

history of movement

14w4d: slight rippling vibration. brief. shocking.

15w3d: "bubbles"

Intermittent thumps/pokes, something lumpy is under me when I lay down

20w: someone either likes my singing to or is deeply offended by it.

21w3d: someone can now let me know that s/he is hungry/that I need to sit down/go to the bathroom/stop stressing out

22w: feeling regular movement. regular meaning daily, no real pattern or anything, but s/he's usually somewhat active in the evening and night. I can sense a strong reaction to caffeine.

22w3d: I wake up and want to feel the baby. I poke him/her. S/he pokes me back. HUGE smile for hours.

23 weeks. I may have felt the baby once last night (usually I feel more.) Not as strong as usual. Not responding to poking. Not responding to position changes. Have had a cup of caffeinated coffee and have so far felt no response. Trying to tell myself that babies are not reliable with movement at this stage and that it's normal to have a quiet, relaxed day(s?) Don't want to get worked up about it, but of course I really, really want need to feel something here soon. Like, now.

*** Update: I think the coffee finally kicked in. I suspect the baby has changed positions. I was hoping that by posting this that I'd feel something shortly after so that I could feel as though I was a big ole worrywart over nothing. It worked.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

calling pet owners

Have any of you used 1800petmeds or petcarerx for things like flea/tick prevention and/or heartworm prevention? How did that work out for you?

Saturday, July 14, 2007

hangin' with the old wives

leg hair growth = slower
bigger ass = probably
foot temp = same
fetal heartbeat = always over 140
watermelon or beach ball = i'll go watermelon, but it could be that I'm just wide!
i'd pick up a mug by the body or handle = body
increase of acne = yes
chinese gender predictor (lunar age)
more moody than usual = lately, absolutely!
hair thickness (thicker or stringier) = no change
carrying high or low = uh, in the middle

wedding ring = circles (but there's not a consensus of which this is supposed to be!)
orange juice = no thank you!
morning sickness = not much

sour or salty vs. sweet = sour/salty
dad gaining weight = nope

weight gain in the face = don't think so
craving meat/cheese = boy
skin drier = yes
chinese gender predictor
clumsy or graceful = clumsy
baby is very active
i'd pick up a key by the fat part


It's pretty shocking that they don't agree, isn't it? Gotta love my little "neutral" one!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

no reply comment

Sometimes I want to respond personally to a comment you've left but I can't because I don't have your email address. If you use blogger, you can change your profile settings so that your email address is visible (and as far as I can tell, this gets you no additional spam) and it will show up to the blog owner when you leave comments. Or, you can just use the "email me" link under my name on the right and I'll save your address for future use. If I've never emailed you and you like it that way, please ignore this paragraph!


In other news, the baby has moved. Yesterday I was having an awful time peeing, it hurt like a bitch, never felt empty, and had blinding pain for a good part of the day regardless of how much time I spent resting. I also became nauseated and very tired. I was thinking infection, but my nurse informed me that once again, I'm peeing clean and though they'll send it out for more testing, it doesn't look like an infection. The doctor said the baby has flipped head down and is compressing my bladder. Holy fuck, that hurts.


Thanks for all the support on the shower thing. So glad to know that I'm not the only one not looking forward to the prospect, whatever the reason. Anyway, when I have an update or resolution I'll let you know.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


I really don't want a baby shower.

The idea has literally reduced me to tears on more than one occasion.

I loathe opening presents and I really don't like being the center of attention. Being touched? Ugh. When I first went home with P for Christmas, one of my biggest fears was that they did the open a present one person at a time while everyone watches thing (they didn't.) Serious panic.

The people closest to me know this and though they think I'm crazy (and I'm not arguing) they generally indulge this quirk and mostly try not to make a big deal about it.

For weeks now, I've been laying the groundwork for commenting on not having a shower (and not in the way you do as a hint that you want someone to throw one for you!) to P and he has seemed fine with it. I didn't have a bridal shower (though a lot of that has to do with the fact that we had a very short engagement) and I don't feel that I missed out in the least. It's just not a tradition that's for me. We have no family or friends nearby. With everyone so spread out, I figured this was an issue that we'd be able to avoid fairly easily.

Obviously not. My MIL wants to give me a shower. And P did not immediately tell her that I'd rather not, which has put me in a very unpleasant position. I'm not close to MIL. We're not enemies or anything, we've just never spent much time together. She doesn't know me well either, and the reason behind the gift panic thing is long, dramatic, and complex. I don't want to try to explain it to her. My own mom barely gets it.

Speaking of my own mom, she thinks it's a lovely thing and I should just agree to it. It's not about me after all. When she told me this I took a shower and cried. I know it's not about me. But it is.

I actually have a secondary reason for not wanting a shower. Even if I really wanted it, literally none of my friends would be able to attend. None of my family would be there. It would be a couple of P's female family members and a few family friends that I've never met. It feels sad. Something that's supposed to be such a celebration shouldn't feel that way. And I would be sad not to have the people I love best there too (yes, even if I didn't want to have the shower in the first place. And I'd never want to exclude P or any other guys. I suffer, he suffers. Or I just want to be inclusive. Either way.)

I just don't want to do this. I never have. I know these are my issues and that they probably seem petty and ridiculous to some people. Who doesn't like presents? I hate letting people down and I know I will be doing just that.

I'm kind of waiting for someone to tell me that it's ok for me to feel this way, even if they don't personally understand. So far I'm alone.