Monday, November 05, 2007

some thoughts on winding down

I'm feeling a little depressed today. I'm sure it's due to a combination of things (lack of good sleep, hormones, a sore throat...) but knowing only makes so much difference.

One thing I've been thinking about in the last week is the idea that I'm not done being pregnant.

There are times, of course, when I'd love her to come on out NOW, please. Mostly, though, I'm not sure I'm ready to give her up. I know she's not
really going anywhere, but in some ways she is. Once she's born I'll have to share her. With P, the grandmas, the doctors and nurses, everyone. She'll no longer be just mine. Right now I'm connected to her in a way that can't be replicated by anyone. I feel her move and roll. Right now, at this exact moment, I am her world. I'm the gatekeeper.

Yeah, I know that's selfish-sounding, and that for all my self-importance, if she were born this very minute, I could die and someone else could care for her and she'd survive without me, but I'd be a selfish liar if I didn't admit to feeling this way.)

On the other hand, I do look forward to sharing our daughter with P. It must be hard to be on the outside of things. The other side to me having a baby-monopoly, I suppose.


There is a lot about this last bit of time that I want to remember. Even though it's not been the smoothest pregnancy ever, I have really enjoyed it. I wasn't sure that I would. I've wanted a baby for years now, and the being pregnant thing was a means to an end. Some people love it and others are really just in it for the final product. I didn't know which I'd be.

I'm very self-conscious about my body and it's been nice to not stress about my size or shape and just be. I like feeling special. I like when P asks, "Pregnant wifey?" even though it's not a question at all, but a comment. I like when he feels "the belly" or comments on its size (though sometimes this makes me feel BIG) and I remember that it's actually our baby living inside of me. I think that there's a part of him that really wanted a boy, but when he was allowed to choose the paint for the baby's room he didn't go with the neutral yellow we had once loved, but instead selected a very soft pink. However unpleasant some parts of this experience have been, there are parts that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I have no idea when this will all be over, as I could have a baby tonight or in a week, but in some ways it will be too soon no matter when it happens. I suspect this is how all of parenting goes.

Wow, writing that down really did help. I feel a bit better now. My throat still hurts and I'm tired, but I do feel less agitated. Odd.


Irish Girl said...

I totally *get it* even though I haven't experienced it. And I thank you for writing it because we all have thoughts that seem odd or we're afraid to share and actually they are really just a normal process of becoming who we are.

Enjoy her being just yours for now. I suspect she'll always be that, to some degree, because I know there is no one who could ever take the place of my Mom. Ever.

I hope your throat feels better.

Cat, Galloping said...

I remember thinking how nice it was that I got to take Gatito *everywhere* with me before he was born, and that I felt a bit mournful about him being on the outside, as well. Of course I was anxious to get him out where I felt he'd be safer, but it was sort of a mixed thing. It *must* be weird to be the man and so separate from it. Men and women experience pregnancy so incredibly differently. I mean, obviously we do. But when you really think about it sometimes-- wow.

Furrow said...

i'm dealing with matching this being that is here now with the one that lived in me for so long. i thought i knew her then, but she's so much more complex than that. it is very nice sharing her with b, though. i'm sure you'll enjoy it, too.

Mrs G said...

I wrote a post of the exact same feelings this time last week. I will be sad to wake up and not have this baby so close to me that I can feel every movement. I will have to share our little one very soon, and despite being uncofortable at times I don't think I am ready for our closeness to end.

I told my Auntie this and she assured me that for the first few years you will be your baby's whole world still. She has an 18 year old who has just started to drive and assures me that these feelings of wanting to hold your baby forever never subside. I think that is a nice thing though...