Friday, December 29, 2006

Follow Up, Part One

Ok, so you know how I said I contacted a friend out of the blue and all that? Well, she was going to call me on a particular day and then didn't. No big deal, right? Well, not usually, but when you're dealing with a person (me) who is already feeling a little nervous about putting herself out there, you don't stand that person up on a phone date! Not having been in contact, I had no way of knowing what her life circumstances are and what may have come up. Also, some people are much more lax about when they call someone even when they say, "I'll call you on Saturday." Anyway, it turns out that she got sick and then last week was a mess for everyone. So I took a shot and called her yesterday. It went really well. We chatted for about an hour and I'm really glad I took the initiative to look her up and then call. We're going to exchange pictures of our pets and stuff and we had new things in common that we didn't have before.

I can be really shy and feel awkward about the silliest things, so it was good for me to get such a positive response. It's funny, people who know me don't usually think of me as shy, so I guess I mask it well. I try to at least project confidence when I can. Really, though, I'm a homebody.

***also, I'm sorry I've neglected your blogs. I've been reading though...

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

CD11: I am envious of my sleeping kitty.

There's no reason for me to be tired, but I am. I feel lazy, apathetic, and completely unmotivated. To do anything. I have several started-posts for you and a couple things rolling around in my head, but up until this very minute (or succession of minutes) I have gone to blogger today only to navigate away because I didn't feel like signing in.

This cycle has been very tiring for me. The very first time I used injectibles I felt tired too, but not much since then. Now I just want to nap. Hopefully I'll feel better now that I've triggered. I grew my BiggestFollicleEver (BFE) from the ovary now known as PowerHouse. And I grew it in record time. It's not alone, but where my best one usually comes with three or four associates, this one has but a single sidekick. The nurse thought I was silly to be upset about this.

"One is all we want."
"But I've had four and got nothing."
"Twins are one thing, but-"
"No, no, I don't want four follicles and four babies! I just want a chance..."

and she nods at me, understanding, in the way that the really good ones do, that it's not just about risk management, but also about my life.

So, I'm pretending that BFE is healthy and that it will, free from the malevolent influence of endo, produce a chromosomally normal egg that is ready to fertilize, implant, and grow properly in the correct spot for the correct amount of time and that it's a good thing that even though I've had perfect cycles before that this time all the differences are going to come together to make that distinctly more important difference. What a hideously long sentence. Oh, also, since it's so big (and I don't think it's really that big, just bigger than I've ever had, and especially since I triggered early this month) I'm concerned that I'll ovulate too early and that P's contribution won't have a chance. In case you were wondering, I never run out of things to worry about.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Friday, December 22, 2006

CD6: I've sprung a leak!

Today, I bled. I must not have put enough pressure on after my blood draw, but I bled through the gauze and bandaid and it was yucky all over my arm inside my shirt.

I've been meaning to give an update on the friend thing, but I don't have one yet.

There's something else that's happening, and I'd love any goodwill you all could think over in this direction (it's not baby-related.) I would like to post about it here, but... too many personal details out in the internet, I think.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

CD5: more fun with pharmacies

Last August I had a fabulous time trying to fill my gonal-f prescription. The problem, whatever it happens to be, did not get fixed and the pharmacy still wants to short me five pens, and I'm not at all happy about it. I WILL get this fixed.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

CD3: lucky seven

  1. Ok, so I didn't exactly pull an Irish Girl, but I did eat some chocolate intended for P's stocking.
  2. I had cysts, but they were small enough to start fsh anyway.
  3. I discovered that my ovidrel prescription has refills, but I should have filled it before the 6th so I need a new prescription anyway.
  4. Some nurses do NOT have a sense of humor or ability to chat.
  5. Apparently, the time you're scheduled to come in is not always the time they PLAN to see you. For example, my appointment was for 7:15, I was on time, I waited until 7:45 and the nurse commented that they were "right on schedule."
  6. Some people take, "It seems like I bruise a lot, but not nearly as much with you!" as a compliment!
  7. Puppies got baths today because they smelled horrible. Then Girl peed on a rug. I washed the rug and put it back. Then Boy peed on the same rug. Washing it again. We haven't had any accidents in weeks, and they both had one today. grr.

Monday, December 18, 2006

CD2: the first casualty

This weekend we had our first gift casualty. Girl found and unwrapped one of P's presents for him.

P: Uh, thanks for the hat dear.
Me: Oh, yeah, you're welcome.


P: I got you three presents.
Me: I got you two so far, but there are two others that I want you to have.
P: Yes, I know. You got me... a hat.

Even Later:

P: I got a hat for Christmas. What's in the other one? Gloves or a scarf?
Me: Shut up.

Later still:

Me: Do you even like the hat?
P: Yeah, I needed one.
Me: It's moisture-wicking on the inside. You know, for running.
P: I see that.
Me: Do you want to just have it now? I could wrap it back up.
P: (puts the hat on in an attempt to prevent the re-wrap)

Going to sleep:

P: What are my other presents?
Me: You wanna just go open the other one up?
P: No, I have a hat.
Me: (grumbling) It would've been better with all the other presents.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

CD1: home therapy

Like CAT, I have some kitty + tree = trouble photos.

These are from last year:

Saturday, December 16, 2006

there's a single shoe suspended midair

In the interest of making the very most of our try-on-our-own post-lap month, I dusted (ok, washed) off my basal thermometer and pretended I didn't know any better. I hadn't tracked my temps in over a year, but my pattern was just the same as it always had been. Anyway, that's all just to say that my temp dropped yesterday and was low again today, so I expect my period any moment now. It's especially exciting in that P's been gone for a week and will be home today. And there's no anniversary baby.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Maybe it will just go away?

I don't know what the deal is with comments.
I haven't changed anything.
I've been able to comment when I was already signed in and by signing in inside the comment box, so I don't know what the problem is.

It looks like I'm not the only one. I'm guessing it's a beta issue. Others have brought it up in the help section, so hopefully it will be resolved soon.

***Blogger update***
"Logging in with an old Blogger account to post a comment on the new Blogger is giving a “please try again later” error. Until we fix this, it may work to log in first at, and then go to the comments page on the new version of blogger in beta."

I don't know if this helps any of you...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I'm a big chicken, but I did it!

I looked up a couple old friends.

And contacted them.

And asked them for a favor.

And even though my face got really hot and I realized that I was calling someone with the same name but who was not my friend, I still didn't puke out of nervousness.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

sometimes, it just catches you by surprise

P is not the most patient person. He abhors waiting, be it in a line, in traffic, or waiting to purchase something that he wants. He's a tough guy to buy for sometimes because if he really wants something, he just buys it. I yelled at him in Target last week because he wouldn't stop asking if he could purchase something that I intended to get him for Christmas.


Like many people, I once worked in a mall. From my storefront I could see the center court where Santa and his helpers were making a tidy profit on crappy pictures. I always thought it must suck to stand in that long line of cranky children waiting to see the fake Santa (now, if he was the real one...)


P called me from a mall last night and told me how cute the children were.

He said, "I'd stand in line for that." And here at home my heart broke a little bit.

Sunday, December 10, 2006


I started this post a while back and just found it in my drafts pile. I've added some recent searches because, well, the cat pee thing has made me mighty popular among urine-infused households all over the country(illinois santa clara. Usually I get hits from having Grey's Anatomy on my sidebar and I get people looking for the Buffy episode that's my title. However, I've also been found by...

"gonal-f" I still *heart* the gonal-f pen, by the way, and I seem to respond well to it even though I've been busy growing endo on my ovaries. If you got here by searching for "gonal-f," whatcha lookin' for? If you have a question, please ask! I'm no expert, but I know injectables can be scary if you're just starting, and the more info you can find, the better.

Sorry, I don't have any info on "burst cyst on cat" but I hope your cat is ok. Burst cysts suck, and kitties are wonderful.

Also, I'm very interested in "pillsbury frosting versus betty crocker." Is this some sort of taste test I could participate in? What did you bake? Ok, I know you probably read my blog just the one time, but just in case you were sucked in my my bitching and actually came back for more, I'd love to know your thoughts on this.

If you're curious about "implantation feeling" this is not the place for you. I promise, right now, that I'll never blog about suspicious twinges or pulling below the bellybutton. Especially since I'm still feeling the odd pain at my lap inscision sites and inside where my organs were manipulated and lasered. Go eat your pineapple and talk to me in a year.

Ohmygoodness, do I wish that it was as easy as "getting a flat stoach with fibroids."

Sorry, if you're looking for photos or an "interesting" story, the "wet spot on the bedsheets" here is not the fun you're looking for. Wet spot on the exam table when the nurse used too much gel during a wanding, maybe...

I'm currently #11 on "removing pee on mattress." My best advise: douse with nature's miracle, allow to dry, repeat as needed. My research indicates that the smell may take up to 1-2 weeks to go away as the enzymes in the nature's miracle have to take time to break down the urine. In a related (I think) story, "washing sheets cat peed on vinegar?" Um, your cat peed on the vinegar? If your cat peed on something, vinegar is not the answer. Vinegar masks the smell of urine to humans, but animals can still smell urine. When the vinegar dries, you'll probably smell urine again too. And it does not remove the stain.

Then there's my personal favorite, "i'm going insane."

Friday, December 08, 2006

research methods

so, in my sample of six (my four commenters, P, and me) there are four lickers and two pudding-wasters non-lickers. Thank you for your commitment to research, and you may wish to stop reading here. continue at your own risk with the knowledge that you'll never get that time back.

there are currently 300,364,113 americans (21:35 GMT (EST+5) Dec 08, 2006)

approx 5,000,000 are under 1, so they don't eat pudding

approx 39,948,427 are below the poverty line and possibly can't afford pudding (although if they do buy it, perhaps they're less likely to waste the part on the lid?)

this leaves 255,415,686 people

surely not everyone likes pudding, and some people may even be allergic. we'll go with 1/6 since that's how many couples are infertile, and this is obviously unrelated to that but.... that's another 42,654,420 to deduct leaving 212,761,266 pudding-consuming americans.


2/3 of all americans are on a diet or are trying to lose weight. of those, 1/3 are being diligent, 1/3 are cheating but feeling guilty, and the remaining 1/3 are currently buying pudding. so we'll remove another 1/3, or 99,120,157 leaving 113,641,109 people.

some people don't eat individual pudding cups but will eat the boxed kind. for instance, my fatherinlaw only eats the kind you have to cook. we'll go with 1/6 again because I feel like it and because there are usually 6 puddings in a package. 18,940,184. this decreases our population to 94,700,925.

did you know I don't even buy pudding for myself? I buy it for P.

anyway, some 34,000,000 people watch american idol. I have no idea why. their opinions, however, can't be trusted, so they don't get a vote. i forgot to remove them earlier, but i'll do it here since you all can't possibly still be reading and we'll just pretend that's what they put the margin of error in for in the first place. 60,700,925 is a much better sample.

speaking of samples, no, we weren't speaking of samples.

the whole point was to tell you that my sample size of six people is very appropriate and yields a confidence interval of 35%. this means that my survey is probably over a third accurate.

there are lots of good things about one third. one third of women 40-69 are dating a man 10 or more years younger. good for them. i think. one third of parks have between 100 and 500 acres. who doesn't like a big park? approximately one third of twins are identical, one third same-sex fraternal, and the final third are the infertile's coveted boy/girl twins.

so you see, one third is very good, my sample is sufficient to say that you people throwing away unlicked lids are not only in the minority, but will also not date a younger man, go to a big park, or have boy/girl twins.

A 'yes' or 'no' coment will do

Do you lick the lid of the pudding before you put it in the trash?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Boy, 6 weeks

Boy, 6 months

Girl, 6 weeks

Girl, 6 months

Girl and Boy, 6 weeks

Boy and Girl, 6 months

Girl and Boy, 6 weeks

Boy and Girl, 6 months

Monday, December 04, 2006

On dieting

Says my verybestfriend:

I know, but I just don't care enough to put down the cookie.


Sunday, December 03, 2006

Oh, the stench

the answer is:
c) all of the above

I blame TSA for the shampoo thing. Because of my compulsive careful packing, there's really no other way for my bottle to have opened up in the way it did. No matter though, the damage was done. My travel case is pretty well wrecked and I am now out of shampoo.

Is there anything that smells worse than cat pee? We left a couple windows open while we were away and then had really high winds that slammed the door to the litter box closet shut. We don't know which day this happened. We did play a rousing post-anniversary game of "find the feces" which is always a romantic treat. Then we realized that they had to have peed somewhere too and we continued the search.

My big kitty has a wicked sense of humor and has, in the not-recent past has preferred to pee in symbolic places when he needed to make a point. When I first started dating P and was spending a lot of time away from home, Big Kitty would pee on my dirty clothes that must have smelled like P. This time, however, he left the laundry basket alone so I was stumped.

I thought I found the jackpot when I saw a large wet spot on the large puppy pillow. I was laughing inside as I threw it into the washing machine. Leave it to my boy to tell me what he really thinks of having puppies. I was a little surprised that that was the only spot, but we didn't find anything else, so I didn't worry about it.

Well, P found the money spot. Someone peed on our bed. It soaked through to the mattress. Back to the basement to wash the sheets and blankets. It's at freezing now, so we need them all clean. It was exactly what I had in mind after our travels. So grateful to be able to wash four loads of laundry in one evening.

How do you get pee out of a mattress? Well, I googled "cat pee on mattress" and "remove urine from mattress" and basically I got behavior advice (which I'm not really worried about, the boys never pee outside the box and I believe it was just about not having access and freaking out) and ads for various products.

Use vinegar. Vinegar never works, it just smells like vinegar. Begin with cold water. Don't use water because it will spread the urine. I ended up dousing the spot with nature's miracle and then wondering why, after washing my hands fourteen times that I was still smelling cat piss. Oh, it was on my sleeve. Add that to the wash.

At this point I had to deal with the wet spot on the bed. And we didn't even get to have fun first. After using a fan and an open window, I tried using a hairdryer to get the bed ready. It worked okay. I put a blanket under the bottom sheet and began to remake the bed. I tested it and nothing seemed to come up. I went to get my comforter from the dryer and it wasn't dry. So I dried it again. And again. And I gave up so it's air-drying in another room (I have since decided to have it professionally cleaned even though I don't see or smell a stain. It's new and I'm neurotic. Sue me.) Then I gathered up my collection of "I'm from the west coast" lightweight blankets and piled them on the bed.

The good news: We were not cold in the night.

The bad news: P eventually felt some wetness and was uncomfortable. I can still smell the pee and have gone for another round with the rest of the nature's miracle. Have re-googled for tips and cried to my mother. P wants a whole new mattress. I have re-washed the bottom sheet and under-blanket. Again.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Charleston, SC (historic district)

Before I tell you about my trip, a little quiz.

Everything I own is covered in:

a) shampoo
b) cat pee
c) both
d) neither

yeah, welcome home. *eyeroll*

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Where am I?

P and I are off celebrating our anniversary. Hoping for a drunk-on-champagne-anniversary baby (ok, so not exactly hoping, but you know, it could happen. In theory. And urban legends.)

Monday, November 27, 2006

ask away

Glad I can be of help on the lap stuff.

I wish more doctors listened to their patients when they asked questions about symptoms or procedures. It makes me a little sick to think that I could have had this taken care of THREE YEARS AGO if someone would have just listened to me. I could have avoided much pain, wondering, and wasted time if only...

But it's donenow , and as the recovery period passes I find myself even more glad to have done it. I've found more info on exactly how endo on your ovaries is a problem and hopefully having it removed will be all it takes for us.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

It's not in my head, I'm not exaggerating, and I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!

or, how I decided to have a lap.

I knew I had endo. I would have bet on it, and I'm really, really not a gambler.

some of my symptoms were:
  • Pain regularly at the end/beginning of my cycle that included severe lower backaches and pain that radiated down one leg. I self-medicated with wine or tequila in the morning. This interrupted my daily activity, and that is not normal (still, try to convince certain asshole doctors of that.)
  • Spotting pre and post period
  • A family member with severe adenomyosis/endometriosis with a hysterectomy in her 30s
  • Infertility
Some other things that I've experienced that may or may not be related are:

  • fatigue
  • heavy clotting (but not necessarily heavy periods)
  • retroverted uterus

These symptoms did not happen back when I was on the pill prior to ttc and got progressively worse around the one year ttc mark. During the second and third years the pain increased in both severity and regularity, but seemed to plateau sometime after the three year mark.

One of my choices was to continue medicated IUIs. If the timing would have worked out, I might have tried another or couple more of these first because I have some insurance coverage for this. Limited is better than none. But because I have to sit out a cycle on bcps after each cycle, the timing can be unpredictable and it takes forever. With the holidays coming up, I would have been ready to IUI on or very near thanksgiving and we have plans to go to DH's parents' house (ugh, in retrospect, what a fab way to have gotten to stay home!) and we didn't want to deal with timing issues/stress. Plus, who wants to keep failing for no reason at all?

The doctor also said to consider IVF. He said that there was no reason that my cycles were failing, so IUI could work, but since it wasn't, we shouldn't waste too much more time on that. He didn't push for IVF which was a little surprising, since that's where the money is. The benefit here is that if I had endo, the theory is that IVF bypasses the places where those problems usually show up. Personally, I think they don't know nearly enough about how endo effects conception/implantation/embryo growth/etc to say that. But it's a common enough thought. The big downside? Zero insurance coverage.

So, we have the lap. I've wanted it for years now, and hoped that having a diagnosis (though I've had a few diagnoses added and removed in the last few years already) would make it easier to go forward both literally and especially psychologically. Plus, if there was a chance for pain relief, YAY. I know you don't have to have all or ANY of the classic endo symptoms to have the disease. I read somewhere that something like 20% of ALL women have endo (though they may be asymptomatic and/or fertile.) The whole "unexplained" thing isn't good enough for me when there are still diagnostic options on the table.

Really, there wasn't a question about whether I was going to have the surgery. I considered all my options, but P and I both knew from the start that we were going to end up going for it. I did have some anxiety about it, which surprised me. I think I wanted to feel better about having made the decision, having a surgery date, etc., and that didn't happen.

Am I glad that I did it? Yes. I knew going in that there was a chance they'd find nothing, and that I had to be ok with that. I wanted answers, so I was willing to take that chance. For me, it was absolutely worth it just to know.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

So, I had the lap.

I do have endo, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. It's a strange disease. The places that it was found really had no relation to the location of my pain. I guess that's not so unusual, but it was a little disappointing. I was hoping for answers, but I'm not sure I got them.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Guest Blogger: The Kitten

It's all about me.

I'm naughty, of course, but my natural cuteness has saved me from exile on more than one occasion. Mom used to threaten me with the dumpster, but not for a while now. Either I have her completely charmed or else that dumpster thing was always a load of crap. Speaking of which, I made a smelly one this morning! Oh, it was fabulous. Mom really had a fit when she found out since our bathroom is in the same room as her treadmill, and for some reason she doesn't seem to like my smells when she jogs. Her loss. I'm the Treadmill Watch Guard of the house. It's my solemn and sworn duty to be present whenever the treadmill is in use. Sometimes I like to be held while she's going, and other times I just watch. Mom watches Buffy dvds in there, and I have to say that even though I didn't expect to like it (is anything as awesome as animal planet? Uh, NO.) it's growing on me. When the unit is not in use, it makes an awesome nap spot. Pretty much everything in my life is awesome.

I sleep, eat, and play as much as I want and I get my belly rubbed fairly regularly. I can crawl into Mom's lap when she's on the computer and I get to sleep in between my Dad's legs on a warm and comfy bed each night. I like to play night games and it's always fun to make Dad get up and close the curtains when I open them up (I also know how to open the shower door, and Mom thinks that's a hoot.)

They call me a tiny baby kitten, but of course that's not true. I'm grown now and not at all tiny. I get my macho out when I feel like it, especially when it comes to dealing with those puppies. They're bigger but I'm faster. Still, I don't mind being the baby sometimes because my big brother cleans my ears for me and my parents always let me go under the covers.

My life is awesome and so am I.

PS- Mom will be back soon!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Monday, November 13, 2006

Guest Blogger: Big Kitty

My life used to be so much better. Mom and Dad would go away during the day and I'd be free to sit in the sun and have a peaceful nap. Quietly. Without being bothered. Ever. My biggest worry (if I was going to worry, which I can't remember ever doing) was moving my beautiful furbody across the room to follow the midmorning sun.

Of course that all changed eighteen months ago when the beast entered our lives. Now I have someone who baps my tail when I'm sleeping on a chair and blocks the doorway to the bedroom at night. The little heathen is also a piglet. He eats up all of our food and I've been reduced to begging for more. Simply demeaning.

One great thing in my life is my mom. She knows how important my routine is to me. I follow her to the bathroom every morning and wait for her on the stairs while she takes the beasts (and I'm not even going to lower myself to talk about them) outside. She eventually comes back and I can rest easy until shower time. I always watch out for Mom, just in case something bad happens to her. I worry with all that water spraying all over the place. She also saves me my special places by her on the couch and in bed. She tells me that I'm her special boy, which is really sappy, but I deal with it because we've been pretty tight. And don't tell anyone, but I do kinda like it when she tells me how beautiful I am and wonderful I am in general.

Compliments will get you everywhere, my friends.

Compliments and gravy packets.

And my red ribbon.

Nobody better touch that. Ever.

It is so past my naptime.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

October update

1. Cysts resolved. IUI stims followed by canceled IUI due to events outside of my or the doctors control and unrelated to my body resulted in a "natural" attempt that "naturally" failed. Giant cysts followed (dude, the nurse used the word "debris" to describe a mess around one ovary.)

2. Decision time: Lap/IUI/IVF.

3. Girl now has a "bonus" collar to control barking. She wears it only in the evening and only when she needs it. It sprays citronella in her nose if she barks and is supposed to then reduce the behavior. Now if you get the collar out she runs to take a rest in her crate. Not exactly what I wanted, but better than the barking.

4. I had NO trick or treaters on Halloween. This was very depressing for me. I live very close to three THREE schools, and I thought we'd get some, but I guess not. SO glad that P agreed to take the leftover candy to work!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

sweet fuck, I'm going insane

Over the past week, Girl has really found her voice. She used to just bark or whine to go outside, and I thought that was great. It greatly reduced the amount of pee on my floor. On wednesday night she woke up at 1230 and began to bark. They've been sleeping through the night pretty much since 12 weeks, so we were surprised. P took her outside, but she didn't need to go. I took her outside because sometimes I can get her to go when he can't. I don't know if she was scared, cold, hot, bored, lonely, or just filled with the desire to inspire murderous rage among her humans.

I read up and decided to go with the ignore-the-behavior-and-she'll-stop approach. I've tried. It's damn hard to ignore when it's bouncing off the inside of your skull. I still take her outside when she needs to go, but other than that, I'm on ignore. I think my brain is vibrating right now.

Holymotherofcrap. It's driving me crazy. Can a person go insane from the barking? (I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is right now - I took away rawhides because they got too small and am not giving them back. Power struggle and I'm not giving up. Even for my hearing. I'm not.)


Saturday, September 30, 2006

how did we get here?

I don't make friends easily. I've moved a lot as a child and as an adult. I worked full time through college and didn't join anything so I graduated without any real friends. I've had work friends, and they were all "good friends" at the time, but those who have not dropped off are spread over several states. Sometimes I dropped the ball, sometimes they did, sometimes there was no reason at all.

M- I feel like our friendship ended because of money. I didn't mind helping you out, really. And if you had said that you couldn't pay me back, I'd rather have had the friend than the money (and at the time, we were both so poor. What was it? $70?) Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe with your new fiance, I didn't really fit in your life anymore. In any case, we went through a lot together with working with the closet dom Alice, taking turns coming in late to work and buying breakfast, catching your cheating exhusband on the internet, and making up fake lives and getting guys to buy us drinks and then beating them at pool. I don't know where you are now, but I wish I did.

E- I think I may have found where you work now. It's been several years, but you wouldn't mind if I emailed you, would you? What if in addition to asking you how you were and what you were up to I also asked you for a reference letter? Is it lame to google your old friends? Is it lame that I feel scared to call you up? I kind of think so, but...

J- I think our friendship was meant to end. I really needed someone then and you were like a big sister to me. I did feel sort of competitive and being around you made me feel like a prude in some ways. I think that some of the choices I made might not have happened if I hadn't been trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. Still, you were there for me when I needed you (especially on scary alcohol poisoning night. Thank you.) and I'll always remember that about you. You're a good person and if I run into you again (and I just might) I'd love to get lunch.

L- I thought you were so cool. You wore purple Adidas all-stars to work and I wanted some so bad. I got a white roxy sweatshirt and wore it to work even though it's brainless to wear an expensive white sweatshirt to work when you work with small children. We were at really different places in our personal lives, but we had fun while it lasted (OMG, I just remembered the fun we had with the crossdressers J's bachelorette party!) I wish you the best of luck in your new profession.

D- Girl, stop sending me email forwards and give me a call! I gave you my number, but I don't have yours, so it's up to you. And if you're not gonna call, stop saying you are. But I feel like I can't really say that since we've spoken so infrequently lately and with your miscarriage and your dog dying, I don't want to be bitchy about the little stuff. I hope you'reok, and I know we'll talk soon.

A- I didn't see this coming. After the way we bonded in misery I thought we'd be friends for much longer than we were. Clearly, I was mistaken. Did I always misread the situation? I knew you had other mom friends that you hung out with, but you always talked about them in such a surface-y way that I always had the impression that it was just about the kids. Would things have turned out differently if I had been able to get pregnant? Did you not want to hang out with us because we had no kids? Did you not want to leave your child with us because we don't have a child? That's kind of what it felt like there at the end. You can't imagine the pain that idea causes an infertile couple. I gave you so much of my time, energy, and emotion there when you were struggling in your marriage. I was there for you and so was P. We stood behind you and never judged you for your choices. I don't think you can say that about many other people who know what happened. My grandma thinks you made your choice and are too embarrassed to be my friend now that I know all about your dirty laundry. Maybe that's true. If it is, I think that's really sad. I thought we were better friends than that. I feel like you put me last over and over again and february was the last straw. You made plans and broke them and you either let your child run the show or you were using her as an excuse. I wish things didn't end up the way they did then, but they did. There had to be more reason than that one day for you to fall out of touch, but I wish you would have told me. I don't know how to fix what I don't know about. I don't know if I should try to fix what bothered me.

C, W, P- I don't have many friends. I'm very grateful for the ones I have. Putting up with me must be a huge challenge. I love you.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Ok, I didn't lose my ring

When P bought it, the ring included a warranty. The terms state that it must be checked biannually by them in order to get replacement value if there's ever a problem. Problem. I don't live in that state any longer. FedEx, etc. won't insure jewelery so if I send it to my mom to have it checked and it's lost, I'm SOL. But if I don't send it, the warranty isn't valid any longer.

That's what made me think about what I would do if my ring disappeared. I have discussed the issue further with the company, and they've agreed to honor the warranty if the ring is checked by another AGS jeweler and I have proof. So no big worries.

What would I have done?

Well, P and I went ring shopping together and he knew what I liked, so he did a good job picking. I get lots of compliments because he went for quality. I'd be upset because nothing can replace the original and I have a good proposal memory, but if I got to choose now, I'd probably get something a little different. I'd like a similar setting (platinum, baby!) but I'd probably upgrade the diamond size to a full ct. and possibly change shape.

(P, if you're reading, this does NOT mean that I'm unhappy with my ring! I love it and you and you already know that so don't be a craphead. Spphhbbml.)

Monday, September 25, 2006

sentimental or practical?

Mailing a diamond ring is complicated. No one will sell you insurance. I have a headache, so I'm not even going to go into why this has come up, but don't worry, it was boring anyway.

Say you did mailed or FedExed or UPSed your engagement/wedding ring. And say they lost it.

Would you:
a) replace it with something that looked exactly the same
b) something the same only bigger
c) choose something altogether different
d) not bother since nothing can replace the original

just curious.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I guess I'll go eat worms

The other night we were watching tv and I guess I drifted off to sleep. I woke up and thought I was having a perfectly reasonable conversation about the pope, but I guess I wasn't because I said to P, "Well, at least I know he won't pee on my floor." P thought I was crazy (duh) and I had this feeling like my brain was all mixed up. I totally thought I was awake, but then I got confused. It was kind of scary to feel like there was something wrong with my brain.

I haven't slept well in days. This morning I was dreaming.

#1 - I dreamed that we had Girl and Boy only to find homes for them. We had given Boy away and I freaked out because "It was a big mistake" and I had to convince P to get Boy back and not Give away Girl too.

Interesting, considering that it was pretty much all P who wanted puppies and I have been mostly-joking about giving them away from day one.

#2 - I dreamed that everyone hated me. Literally, everyone. Like, people were threatening to kill me (although some of the methods were suspect, as a guy was threatening me with a rusty nail and a band-aid that had epstein-barr on it.) I was awarded a medal that everyone thought I didn't deserve, and the whole football team was angry with me. I felt so awful. P just sat at a picnic table painting sauce on chicken to bbq, and no one defended me I can't even convey how terrible this all was.

When I woke up, I wanted my mommy. I still feel this heavy sadness. I started crying when P left for work because it felt like he hated me. I'm having trouble shaking the awful feeling.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

technological liberation and seduction (I'm here to solve the BIG problems in life)

When my then-boyfriend got a cell phone ca. 1997, I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. I knew no one who had one except him. I remember mocking him mercilessly and asking why he would possibly need that (am considering emailing to apologize now.) Of course, eventually the revolution came and I got a phone too and I forgot all about my teasing over his need for a silly toy.

I went from carrier to carrier, hating on most of them, getting thoroughly screwed by one. When I moved away from CA, I realized that I hardly ever used my phone and was tired of shelling out the cash each month for the few minutes I actually used. P and I decided to cut costs an try out pay-as-you-go service. No more activation fees, no more big bills, no more roaming surprises, no more contracts. Decent service, even when traveling. Happy Twirl.

After a few years, we moved again, to NewCity. My phone was wearing out and not holding a charge, and I let the service lapse. P got a new phone for his job and instead of trying for a local number I let his service lapse too. I've been living cell-free pretty much since May.


It's been so great. When I'm out, I'm out. I can actually go somewhere and not tell anyone! And no one can ask me where I am, what I'm doing, or when I'll be home. Fantastic! (keep in mind that I have very few people to talk to anyway)

Lately though, I've been hearing the call of a new phone. P really wants me to get one because he likes to bother me when I go to the store. I started researching other carriers that offer prepaid service and it made my head spin a little. I eliminated a couple based on ridiculous rules or charges or crap networks. I'm left with two.

Why these two? Well, there's Tracfone, which I've used before and been completely satisfied with. And there's Cingular GoPhone, which offers me this:

I've been totally seduced by this tiny phone. It's cute and I want it. It's also kind of expensive and I'm a little cheap. Oh, and I HATE cingular.

UGH! What do I do? Am I crazy to hold a five-year grudge against a company? Should I give in and buy me a new toy? Should I continue to live my happy cell-free life?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Puppies: we live in Toys R Us

In the Twirl household, we go through lots of toys. Puppies are little destructo-units. They will chew and chew and chew until there's nothing left and then they will chew each other. I decided from the start to make sure there were always plenty of different acceptable chewing options available. They have soft toys, hard toys, rope toys, chew toys, and they love them all. They say you ought to rotate, but I don't really need to since they destroy things so often that there's always a new toy coming in to replace something.

Seven weeks: rope

Eight weeks: Girl with rope and fish, Boy with monkey and carrot. Carrot was the first toy that Boy selected himself by taking it off a low shelving unit at the "toy store."

Nine weeks: Girl with jack, Boy with unfortunately-placed carrot. Girl is not usually possessive over toys. She shares easily and is not territorial. This does not apply to the big jack. Boy may chew in tandem, but he may not take this toy away!

Ten weeks: Twirl messes with Boy and many toys, Boy and mini tennis ball. I do have to mess with them when they're sleeping. It's payback for them messing with me when they're awake.

Eleven weeks: Boy and rope, Girl and Boy and HIS giraffe. Boy does not share toys he's deemed "his." The giraffe is not for sharing. He gathers up toys to sleep with or hoard.

Twelve weeks: Girl with jack, Girl and Boy chewing a hard ball with three ropes that go through and have knots in the ends. The ropes have since been shredded, partially consumed, and thrown away.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I would sooo have that McBaby

Patrick Dempsey and his wife are having a second child.

If it's you, speak up!

P loaned out Lost (season one) to someone at some time. He does not recall who or when and therefore can't ask for the discs back. His wife was not at all pleased about this and is holding a (silent) grudge.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

when all the stars were falling,

i reached up like you said.
all the stars were falling, one hit me in the head,
and i fell down, down, down.
i fell down, down.


I'm keeping my record intact. Another medicated cycle, another follow-up cycle on the bench because of cysts. More cysts than mature follicles. Larger too. The printouts of the cysts made a nice long chain. She said, "well, it does look like your body responds well to gonal-f." I said that it didn't feel "well." She was really nice to me though. She did made me cry when she was poking around in there, but that's to be expected. Fucking cysts.

The nurse thought it was kinda sad that I was expecting cysts. She said I sounded resigned, which I'm sure I did. With how bloated I was and how much discomfort I've had, I'm not surprised that I still had shit growing in there. I do wish they wouldn't tell me that as a part of my bloodwork they're going to do a beta. I know what they're doing, I know why, but it's still depressing.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Goodbye perfect lining, hello cysts?

I've recovered from my little emotional outburst yesterday and fortunately I no longer feel like crying. In addition to the pain of failure, I blame the hormone shift.

Now I'm ready to enter the three-day-wait. I'm up for the title of most medicated cycles followed by a rest cycle due to cysts. Do you think the Academy will pick me? I've never not been benched following a med cycle, so I expect that will be the case this time too. Especially given how "well" I respond to the drugs.


here's a bonus tidbit:

I just got a call from the pharmacy.

"You have a prescription waiting for you."

"I shouldn't have any."

"Your... gawn-al.... F"

"No, I already picked that up."

How the fuck did the pharmacy already know this was a failure?!"

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Perfect failure

Sometimes life just sucks. And it's not life exactly, it's just my life. Or my non-life. I'm sitting here, in pain, waiting for the backaches and cramping to give birth to the bloody end of this failed cycle. This, my 48th cycle, was another perfect failure.

I know iuis aren't fabulous as far as success rates go, but I don't really have a choice right now. We made the best decision we could and it's in the hands of a doctor who wants us to fail on his protocol a few times before we can move on. I wanted a lap. Don't tell me to be the boss because it does not always work. Sometimes you just get labeled a problem patient and you end up in limbo for over a year. Sometimes you have to suck it up and work it from within the system. I'm trying anyway. I don't really want advice. I don't need help. Not with this anyway. As much as I'm not liking the way things are going, it was still the right decision.

What I need is to succeed at something. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of shooting up, bloating up, and the second I can wear my non-stretch jeans again, the backaches start and we can relive the process all over again. This afternoon I did a shot of vodka because I could feel the ache coming on. P looked at me like I was nuts. I was crazy; it should have been tequila. Better than tylenol. Waiting sucks. The inevitable sucks too, but the waiting for it, especially when there's pain, is just emotional misery.

We went to B&N and walked around. I felt like a zombie. I love books, but the store was driving me mad. I saw strollers and I heard children laughing and talking and crying and I felt like there was a whole other world there that I'm just allowed to look at but not be a part of. I walked past the pregnancy section without slowing, but I knew it was there. I know there are books about fertility and endometriosis and pcos in the health section, but I didn't want to look. What can a book tell me? Nothing. A book doesn't know why this is so hard. Every section I walked by made my heart hurt a little. My glazed-over eyes welled up with tears, but my zombie-self didn't let them out. I wandered around though the history and biography sections where I can usually get lost, but I didn't really stop. When I realized that I'd been staring at a table of boxed calendars, I found P and told him that I wanted ice cream. "Now?" "Yes, NOW." "Are you sure you don't want a chocolate cupcake?" "No, ice cream." "Ok," he said, seeing I can only imagine what on my face, "let's go." And we did.

Did it help? I don't know. I'm sitting here writing this wondering how I got here. How did things turn out this way for me, for us? How did I become this person? I don't believe in fate, karma, or divine intervention for things like this. It's just happening and there is no reason. But it's still happening and not being able to explain it in a five paragraph essay is very frustrating. I didn't want puppies. I wanted babies. I never wanted to be a doctor, lawyer or indian chief. I didn't want to be a butcher, baker, or candlestick maker either (and I'm not drunk, by the way.) All I ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother. I feel like I'm failing at the one and the other is so unimaginable by now I can't even get there in my mind anymore.

Friday, September 08, 2006

makin' the watch list

P: Have a good day with the little terrors.

Twirl: the first time I read that sentence I saw "terrorists"

P: No, not terrorists. They're combination wrecking balls, lawnmowers,
weed-wackers and other things though.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

she meant well, of course, but...

We try to take the puppies out often so they can meet as many different people as possible while they're still young. Aside from the pet store (or toy store, as we call it) we like to go eat lunch out where we can sit at an outside table. People pass by and they get petted and fawned over. They love it.

A woman approached me saying that she was in town on business and she missed her dog and could she pet mine. I always say yes, and so we chatted as she got her puppy fix. She seemed like a nice lady and she gushed over my puppies and kept them entertained, so I liked her just fine. Then she had to kill it.

Her: These guys are just like little babies.

Me: Yeah, they do require quite a bit of attention and work.

Her: It's good you have them. I think everyone should have to take care of a puppy before they have babies. They're such good preparation for the real thing.

Me: (Take a big bite of sandwich to muffle any possible words.)

Saturday, September 02, 2006

(cycle #48) and also, I don't speak the name of The Scottish Play

This cycle my husband said something that bugged me. He said he didn't have a lot of confidence that it would work. I mulled this over a bit and came to the following conclusions:

1. Only I am allowed to be pessimistic. I never think it's going to work. He's always been the optimist and I dislike being forced into that role.

2. After asking him why he said that, he said, "maybe I'd feel differently if we were doing ivf." I think the failures are finally getting to him. We've been back and forth about ever doing ivf so many times. Has he changed his mind again? Have I?


I have had, again, a fairly perfect cycle. Good response to meds, appropriate number of mature follicles, good lining. Once again, I saw myself ovulating on the screen just prior to the iui. P had a good report, and when the nurse gave him the post wash numbers and a positive "grade" he responded, "of course." Once again, no good reason except chance and statistics for us to be unsuccessful. Of course, if there was nothing at all wrong with us, we would not be on cycle #48 with no pregnancies (let alone babies! babies? ha!)

This iui sucked a little. It hurt. It doesn't usually hurt. The nurse said my ovaries were much larger and that they were making my cervix difficult to reach. Then, later, the cramping set in. My goodness, the cramping. I felt sick, had no appetite (and eating was required so that I could take my antibiotics) and had pain/discomfort/bloating all day long. I turned over on my side once and it was torture. As was the moment where my cat jumped up on my belly for a cuddle (we did compromise, and he had a nice nap on my legs.) So far, I feel much better today.


I began this post a couple days ago. I didn't want to jinx myself by putting it up because the iui hadn't actually happened yet. We all have our little superstitions, don't we? Once, I began a cycle with unpolished toes and refused to re-do them until I knew it was a failure. Because you know, nail polish consistency can really make or break a cycle.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Puppies: Prison Break, part 2

Part of socialization for puppies includes exposure to the world (not just people or dogs.) They have to hear things like loud trucks, sirens and the dishwasher so they learn that the world is not a scary place. Having the crate in the kitchen has been good because they can run to it when they're afraid of something. Within a week it had become a safe place (in this case, safe from the vacuum cleaner.)

It's also a place for treats. Getting puppies used to the idea of a crate being a good thing can be done through their tummies. They get a treat and are told they're good puppies each time they go in so they learn that it's not a punishment. Boy will do anything for a treat. He will take a treat out of Girl's mouth if he can. At nine weeks, Boy began to run into the crate just to see if we'd give him something.

They were visibly bigger inside the crate, and I had to remove the pad in the bottom because they chewed one corner and the stuffing is coming out.

Now, at ten weeks, they are doing a lot of mirror sleeping and it's really cute. The crate has worked out pretty well.

Until today. See, there's a weak spot on the front zipper where someone chewed last week and it doesn't close properly. So we just plop them in through the top hole and keep the front zipped (this is becoming a problem because Boy is so damn heavy.) That's worked for about a week now. Based on the title, you can see where this is headed, right?

I came home from my bloodletting and probing to find pee all over the floor and two puppies happily sleeping on the tile. They broke through the weak spot on the zipper. I don't know if it's fixable yet. I've been busy cleaning up urine and walking two puppies in the rain. I forgot a bag and had to dig through a neighbor's recycling bin to get a newspaper to pick up some poop and walk with it until I found a trashcan. Good thing it's trash day.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Puppies: Prison Break, part 1

I have a couple puppy-picture-theme posts in mind. I was thinking about a series showing that we do, in fact, live at Toys R Us for dogs. I also have tons of cute "I love my brother/sister" shots.


I think we need to discuss the crate. Some people think crate training is cruel, but we do not. It is good for them to have a safe place where they can't hurt themselves or get into trouble. Dogs like to have a "den" and a crate satisfies this need. It also helps in housebreaking, as dogs will not soil their crate if at all possible because it's where they sleep. They spend plenty of time both in and out of the crate.

When we leave the house, the pups are always in their crate. If we aren't watching them, they're in the crate. When we go to bed at night, they're in the in the crate. This might sound like a lot of time, but really they spend more time sleeping passed out on the tile floor than anywhere else. And we're suckers and allow it.

At first, they weren't happy about the crate. I can understand this, especially considering where they came from. They lived in an outside pen with several other siblings. They were away from their parents, away from the breeders (don't even get me started on what I think of these people) and that's where they stayed. Imagine being only almost seven weeks old and being taken away from your siblings, on a long car ride where you threw up, with strange people, to a strange place, and put in a small (comparatively) pen. It was obvious they were scared.

So we comforted them, reassured them, took them out to go potty regularly, and put them back in the crate. The crate was in our bedroom at night so we'd hear them whine, and in the kitchen during the day. They huddled together and got used to this, but it seemed like they had a hard time falling asleep/staying asleep while we were in the room. I guess humans are just too much fun. So we tried moving the crate downstairs and they sleep much, much better.

If a crate is too big, a dog can use one side of it for sleeping and the other side for a bathroom. We needed to figure out a way to make the crate temporarily smaller. We put a large pillow and a large stuffed dog on one side to block it off. Usually they would pull the puppy down and sleep on it or next to it. This will be good for size comparison later!

(all pictures are at 7 weeks old)


to be continued...

Monday, August 28, 2006

In case you're here to read about the IF stuff

Status update:

Day: 9
Days on gonal-f: 6
Possible follicles: 4-5

Today I'm starting to feel more activity over on the left. This is not surprising because the 3-4 largest follicles are all growing over there. I've got a medium sized one growing on the right all alone. It's not the most comfortable feeling (I'm in my stretchy jeans-- and I'm not even doing IVF!) but I'm actually glad that I can feel it working. Seeing things growing on the ultrasound is one thing, but feeling them grow is reassuring. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

What else do you want to know?

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I'll leave out the pictures

around 10pm... Twirl comfortable on the couch, P up for a snack...

P: Girl is puking on the floor. And it's green.

Twirl: Well, she eats leaves and grass.

P: Now she's eating it.

Twirl: I told you I didn't want dogs. (thinking: you saw it, you clean it)

P: It's ok. Floor's clean now.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping...

Day 1:
  1. Call in refills for gonal-f, ovidrel, and antibiotics
  2. Go to pharmacy to pick up prescriptions
  3. See pharmacy tech retrieve a suspiciously small bag
  4. Wonder where the hell the boxes of gonal-f are
  5. Tech tells you they're out of gonal-f (even though no one called to tell you this)
  6. Tech tells you that you are only getting about half the pens that you got on your initial prescription
  7. Attempt to remain calm and reasonable
  8. Ask why the fuck you don't get the full amount
  9. Be treated to a math equation completely irrelevant to the problem at hand
  10. Hear tech blame insurance company and tell you that you must take it up with them
  11. Oh, and come back tomorrow

Day 2

  1. Get headache at the thought of discussing the problem with insurance company
  2. Try to figure out the problem yourself so that you can argue effectively
  3. Try to explain the problem to husband
  4. Have husband reassure you that you are not crazy and they are wrong
  5. Realize that pharmacy has now closed

Day 3

  1. Call insurance company
  2. Wait on hold
  3. Verify every possible bit of personal information
  4. They can't help you, but they can give you another number to call
  5. Call new number
  6. Verify every possible bit of personal information
  7. Relate problem
  8. Wait on hold so the person on the other line can "try to understand" the rules regarding this particular drug
  9. Watch an episode of The Cosby Show while on hold
  10. Be told that the pharmacist must have entered the quantity incorrectly so it's not an insurance issue
  11. Be told that by the way, we have the wrong birthday for you, you need to fix that
  12. Call birthday fixing number
  13. Verify every possible bit of personal information
  14. Person on the phone says that your birthday isn't wrong
  15. Spin in a circle and scream
  16. Call pharmacy back to tell them about the quantity thing
  17. Tech tells you that the quantity isn't wrong, it's a new prescription (not a refill) that was mailed to the pharmacy (even though you have no idea why that would be)
  18. Tech suggests calling the doctor's office if you have questions about the prescription
  19. Call the doctor's office and leave a message for someone to call you back
  20. Realize that you haven't eaten lunch and are very hungry
  21. Wait
  22. Wonder if you'll get your call before the pharmacy closes
  23. Type this list
  24. Debate posting now or saving as draft to find out what happens
  25. Smell something foul
  26. Wonder if someone woke up from a nap and crapped on the floor
  27. Check, find nothing, guess that one of the puppies has gas
  28. Realize that you're writing about puppy gas and decide to end the list...

29. Talk to nurse who has no idea what I'm talking about - they never sent any prescription
30. Wait for nurse to check my records

31. Nurse will call pharmacy with the correct quantity, wait for return call

32. Nurse calls back promptly! Problem solved, but mystery still intact. My order has been changed to ten pens (though the pharmacist refused to put it through to insurance while the nice nurse was on the phone to confirm it wasn't an insurance issue)

33. Nurse checks my chart one more time and says, once again, that no prescription has been written for me, but that I can go pick up my pens after I verify that the order went through. Oh, and there are still only six physically in the store

34. Call pharmacist to verify order, he says yes, but could I wait to get my six? he'd rather not do a partial order

35. Refrain from telling him what I'd rather not do

36. Tell him I'm coming to get my six this evening

37. Go to pharmacy to see evil pharmacist

38. Pharmacist surprises me with ten boxes (wow, he really doesn't want to deal with me anymore!)

39. Swipe credit card - declined

40. Swipe credit card again - declined. Say, "This is really not my day!" and confused look from pharmacist

41. Use alternate card, but do not shove first card into any inappropriate orifices

42. Ask to see "handwritten prescription that was mailed over"

43. Pharmacist holds it up to my face, but will not allow me to hold it in my hand. Freakshow. Like I'm going to make off with it to get it filled elsewhere on account of my gonal-f addiction. Asswipe won't let me see the date, but it's my info true enough.

44. Come home, sort pens by expiration date and refrigerate. Think about how nice that nurse was, feed all animals, and realize that I've missed lunch and it's really really dinner time.

45. I'm glad I have even the limited, temporary drug coverage that I have. It won't always be there, so I know how lucky I am to have it at all.

Find out why my credit card was declined. bah.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


We went to the vet today. The little monsters doubled in size in the last month and they now officially outweigh the cats.

Puppies: Our First Bath

I used the "mist" setting on the hose to get them used to being sprayed.


They're inseperable. Bath time would not be the same if they couldn't do it together.

Girl giving Boy a reassuring kiss.

They follow me when I walk around the deck. Sad little wet puppies.

Our first bath was very tiring, so we must sleep here on the wet towel.

I will never again give both puppies a bath alone. Ever.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I'd nap there, but they won't let me

There's a minute between the time where the nurse removes the dildocam and washes her hands and leaves the room that is slightly awkward to me. It only takes a second for me to get up (though sometimes I find the dark room peaceful in spite of the position. Today I was told, "No sleeping.") What do you do in that minute? There's not much to chat about, really, she's just told me everything I need to hear. You could just get off the table and get dressed. What hasn't she seen already? But I don't like to clean up and get dressed with an audience (not that she'd be watching with a tub of popcorn or anything.) So I sit there on the table with my paper blanket and count the seconds until I can put my pants back on. Alone.

I am so tired.

Not looking forward to the part of stimming where you feel tired even when you're actually at rest.

Monday, August 21, 2006

In which I do not pray to pass out

As much as I loathe bcps, having a period on them is a dream. No shooting pains down my legs, no enormous clots, no searing misery in my ute or back. Not even a tylenol required. Ah, the good ole days.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

only crazy people post here

While I wait patiently with clean white panties for day 1, I've been reading various message boards to get me back in a treatment frame of mind. When I'm not cycling, I try to stay away from these places because they usually depress me. I end up feeling like a failure because not only can I not "just" have sex and "just" get pregnant, I can't even "just" try.

While I try to comment on people's blogs, I haven't been a participant on any message board for a couple years now. (years? that's depressing.) (Seeing all my new friends "graduate" (UGH) was demoralizing and it seemed to make everyone uncomfortable. You've been there.) I do still lurk in a few places. Sometimes it's for actual info, sometimes for the feeling that there's someone else out there (even if they don't know that I'm reading their words) and sometimes it's just to laugh a little at the insane questions that other people ask (I probably wouldn't laugh at them in person. I think.)

For me, reading around puts me in a treatment frame of mind. I see questions about *gasp* giving yourself shots! in the stomach! It's good for me because I remember that I can do it. And not freak out. I see questions about clomid and I give thanks that I know for sure that I will never take that drug again. Ever.

Of course, reading message boards is also an excellent way to get irritated. If you've been there, done that for at least, say, a half hour, you know that 5dpo! is too early to test. Even if your boobs are sore! Even if your mouth tastes like a penny! Even if you feel that suspicious tugging below your bellybutton! You know that spotting on 8dpo does not mean Implantation! It could be! My temp dipped! Do I still have a chance? What if I fly to Hawaii and eat a bunch of fresh pineapples?

One word that I'm starting to get annoyed with is "swimmers." As in, "There's no problem with me at all, but I'm taking such and such to make more targets for DH's swimmers." Gag. Never used to bother me, but now it just sounds teenage girlish and lame. (sorry) SPERM SPERM SPERM. Your "DH" has SPERM. Not "spermies." Do you all "do it" with his "thing" too?

I get it that people all have different levels of comfort about these things, so I understand that some people need to communicate using euphemisms and cutesy glitter babydust words in order to feel okay with the subject matter. I know I'm poking at it, but I really do understand this.

But you see, I'm waiting for my visit, you know, from my aunt, the red witch, and pills make me cranky, and so, it seems, does stopping them, and I have these hooligan puppies to take care of, and I just wanted to write a paragraph about SPERMIES and well, this post happened. Scary.