Thursday, April 26, 2007

my dirty little secret

I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester is winding down and so are the progesterone shots. They're finally starting to bother me, btw, and I've got the large lump, bruises, and itchy spots to prove it. All for a good cause.


I get it about the digestion slowing down. I can no longer eat a real dinner because I go from zero to full in no time. This makes it hard to really get balanced meals because I simply can't eat enough. So I'm not worrying about it. I also am falling short on my water consumption. I'm just too full. If I eat, there's no room left for water and if I drink all my water, I'm too full for food. So everything is getting shortchanged. Sometimes this bothers me, but mostly I know I'm doing the best I can. I have plenty of fat stores to go around.


My pants are tight. It won't be too long before they're unwearable. Most of my tops feel snug and do not lay properly. I'm wearing two shirts most days (that I'm not in sweats.) My bras are embarrassingly small. I desperately need to buy some with a larger cup size. But that would require the motivation to go shopping and I simply do not have it. I can usually manage one errand or household task per day and then I must loaf on the couch. The cats love this routine, but I hate feeling like I'm never getting anything done.


And so here's the secret:

In spite of infertility, I really believe I'm going to have a baby in November.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

A craving, in three acts

Act One:

Twirl: You know what's not the same as chinese food?
BFF: What?
Twirl: Top Ramen, oriental flavor.
BFF: Uh, did you really think it was?

Act Two:

Twirl: I'm only having dinner if we can have it RIGHT NOW.
P: Otherwise...?
Twirl: Otherwise it will be too late and I'm NOT EATING.
P: Ok, let's go then.
Twirl: I don't want to go anywhere. Chinese?
P: You want me to go get chinese?
Twirl: You're volunteering? That's great! Let's have chinese!

Act Three:

P: Are you ok?
Twirl: (hugging toilet) Yeah.
P: Uh, are you sure?
Twirl: I don't want chinese anymore. Ever.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

10 weeks (in sort-of haiku)

Reflux, nausea
Can't eat much of anything
Tums are my new friend.


Exhausted all day
Only want to take a nap
Gimme my pillow


I can't believe it
One quarter pregnancy done
We have a fetus!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Wasn't it yesterday when he was small?

I can't believe you're eight. When I got you, you were only a month old. Your kitty-momma had stopped feeding you and so you needed a home. I pulled you from a drain pipe where you were hiding on a friend's balcony and took you home with me. You fit in the palm of my hand. You slept in a tiny wicker basket with a washcloth and I put you in a closet because I was afraid you'd get lost behind the refrigerator or something.

Those were the days, weren't they? Nice naps on a crappy couch in our first apartment together... I still wore "gold" jewelry, had green fingers from finger-painting, and amazingly thin thighs. Sorry, this was about you.

You let me dress you up and you were a lovely subject. You'd object to this treatment now, but at the time you didn't mind. (I swear.)

Now you're my big kitty. You're in charge of the kitten and the puppies. It's quite a house to run, especially when you consider all the duties you have. Between performing your perimeter checks each night, to watching me shower each and every day, you really have your paws full. I'm glad you still have the time to rest in the sunlight. You deserve it.

So, my big kitty, you are eight years old today. I know it's rough to share your special day with your daddy, but I'm hoping you know how special we both think you are. (I'm thinking you'll understand more fully when you're presented with some of tonight's chicken.)

Plus, you're damn good at holding things down. (That kitchenaid 5qt. mixer I got for daddy was bound to blow away in the wind!)

Happy Birthday.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

From her mouth...

We never told P's parents about our IF. When we were towards the end of this cycle, P emailed his dad that we were doing IVF but not to spread it around in case it didn't work. His dad emailed back, "What's IVF?" P told him, but we never heard another word about it. We honestly didn't know if he understood or if he even told P's mom. They're not the most worldly people, so we kinda thought they just pushed it aside because they didn't know what it meant.

Anyway, when P told his mom on the phone that I was pregnant, she gave him one of my favorite lines ever.

"Make sure you see a doctor."

I laughed when I heard it through the phone (although I did have the grace to try and muffle my laughter with a pillow.) I've laughed out loud each and every time I've thought about this. I meant to tell my RE too, as I'm sure he'd be amused, but I forgot in the heartbeat and PIO and graduation terror and all. Still damn funny though.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Why the hell would he laugh at me? (or, welcome to my mood swings)

The other day I felt cranky for no particular reason and P asked me why I was staring out the window at the street and I answered that I didn't know. Then I went to our DVD rack and pulled out two that were dumb and I decided we'd never watch them again and they weren't worth giving away and I threw them in the trash.

Then I cried. Because, you know, it was all so ridiculous and I knew that, and P was laughing at me, and I still couldn't help it and I was sad and there was no good reason for any of it.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Monday, April 09, 2007

brief updates, more later

1. will continue progesterone through first trimester per my OB. Relieved.
2. saw embryo/heartbeat again. Relieved.

Saturday, April 07, 2007


I'm 8w2d today. My RE said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks. I haven't.

Is it just me, or does it seem like most people stay on it until 10ish weeks? It seems crazy that there's no testing when you go off this stuff. I haven't had my progesterone tested since 4w6d. It was fine then, but how do I know it will be fine if I stop the support now?

I think it would be different if I was having a strong negative reaction to the injections, but I'm not. I don't like it, of course, but it's not the worst thing ever. I had leg/hip soreness for the first three days, but none since then. I'm getting a little bruised and a little sore, but nothing like the horror stories you read. It's just not that bad. And since the RE said it won't hurt anything... well, I just can't seem to quit.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

completely overwhelmed.

I've been really overwhelmed.

I don't think I really realized just how tense I was feeling about last Friday's ultrasound. At 7w1d, there was no real reason to see anything ambiguous. Healthy visible heartbeat, or... well, you can imagine the possibilities. I know I did.

I was edgy all day long.

I wore my "good news panties" (and you may laugh at that if you like.)

But, in the end, we did see a heartbeat. A real one this time, not just a flicker. Of course, my little underachiever was beating at the very minimal acceptable level for age, and still measuring behind by nearly a week, so there's room for worry when I feel the need. I'm trying my very best not to though, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

When the scan was done and the nurse left me to dress, I stared at the still image on the screen and began to cry a little. P wanted to know what was wrong, and there was no real answer. Fear, worry, hope, the future. It was all too much for me.

I graduated on Friday. I was shaky when wrapping it all up with the RE. He said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks (8wks? seriously? doesn't that seem early? that's this thursday! what if i'm not making enough on my own?) and that I need to stay on the aspirin until 12 weeks. I can go to an OB now. A real, regular, average, run-of-the-mill OB. For fertile people. So strange. I have an appointment for next week to meet him.

I tucked the ultrasound photos discreetly into my purse and went to the checkout counter and the woman asked me if I needed to schedule another ultrasound. I said no and felt like crying. She congratulated me, though I wished she would be quiet about it because there were three other women waiting to check out and statistically, they had not all had good news appointments that day. I felt bad and hoped none were upset.

I've been having a rough time with my emotions lately. I'm so excited. It almost even seems real. But it's scary. I know how to do infertility. I know how to go for bloodwork and ultrasounds and give injections and take pills. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be a mom, but it's been years since I've actually thought about being pregnant. Somehow I wasn't prepared for this.