Wednesday, October 31, 2007

pulling away

Sorry. I'm having a hard time staying focused lately. I'm reading your blogs even though I haven't been much of a participant. My head's all over the place.

It's almost November.

Monday, October 29, 2007

one more reason it sucks when your husband is gone and you're pregnant and awkward and big and cry easily

(this got really long, which is just how it felt. you are under no obligation to read!)

At 2am I woke up to a beeping sound. I opened up my eyes, but did not get out of bed. I waited for more beeps (just to make sure I hadn't been dreaming) and I was rewarded. I struggled up and out of bed to investigate, but decided to pee first. A girl has priorities, you know.

I discovered that it was one of our smoke detectors, and had to stand directly under three different ones and wait for a beep to determine which one it was. Very annoying under normal circumstances, much worse in the middle of the night. I found the beeping and pulled a tall bar chair up under it so that I could reach. I looked at the chair and knew it would be a bad idea to climb up on it, but I really had no choice if i wanted the beeping to stop (and good lord, did I want it to stop!) So I very, very carefully hauled my large pregnant self up onto the chair and attempted to remove the smoke detector.

Eventually it came away from the ceiling, but I couldn't get the back off to get the battery out and it was suspended from it's power source so I was still fiddling with it while standing on the chair. I became mad at P for being gone and leaving me to deal with this and I felt like crying as the damn thing beeped in my hands. Then it stopped. I stood on the chair for several minutes to be sure and then climbed down. I decided to pee one more time and I went back to bed.

Fifteen minutes later the beeping started up again. I pondered just leaving it. Maybe I could sleep through the beeps. I covered my head and found my pillow an insufficient barrier against sound. This time I knew just how cold it would be if I got out of bed and was completely awake, so the idea of leaving my toasty covers was that much more unpleasant.

The beeping continued (of course) so I had no choice but to get up and deal with it. I walked down the hall, got myself back up on the big chair, and prepared to murder the smoke detector. Looking at the warnings of electrical shock and seeing visions of myself tumbling from the chair were not good for my overall emotional state. I couldn't get the thing apart and I considered calling P. What he was going to do about it from his hotel room in another state, I don't know, but I wanted desperately to share my misery and frustration with someone. I refrained, however, and he was luckier than he knows.

I tried again to pry the back off and felt huge relief when it opened up enough to wiggle the battery out. Until the fucker beeped again in my hands. I looked over to where there was a candle sitting in the room and considered starting a fire so that the smoke detector would have something to fucking beep about.

Instead I went downstairs in search of a new battery. Thankfully, we had one. Back upstairs and back up on the chair, new battery in hand, I was set. The end was in sight. Except I couldn't get the battery in properly. The back wouldn't come all the way off, so I had to fidget with it quite a bit. I began to tear up with frustration as the detector beeped again and again in my hands.

Eventually, the battery popped in and I exhaled with relief at not being shocked or falling down or something. I stood there waiting and the beeping did not resume.

It's there, dangling from the ceiling, as I refuse to climb the chair again, but it's quiet.

Relieved, I went back to bed.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I'm Henry VIII, I am

37 weeks = nothing!

Some people would be bummed to see no progress at this point, but I'm happy that the baby is unlikely to come this weekend. Unless, of course, there is something to the whole full moon theory (as I understand it, the water usually breaks when you're already IN labor, but sometimes the pull of a full moon can make an already distended bag of waters, like you'd find in very late pregnancy, break before labor spontaneously begins.)

If we can just make it to the 1st, P will more likely than not be here in town and I can stop stressing about being here by myself.

Is it a bad sign or a good sign that your doctor, when you suggest any date after the first, suggests that the 3rd would be a good day because it's his birthday and a Saturday? Does he really want to come deliver a baby on his birthday weekend?

I think of things to write all the time but somehow I never get around to it and then I forget them.

Monday, October 22, 2007

family update

Thanks for your concern about my family. Several people have been evacuated, but so far no property (that we know of) has been lost.

*Thinking of the displaced families, animals, and firefighters tonight.*

PSA: Have a family escape plan, it's not just important for natural disasters.

I do have more on that, but right now...

I'm tired. Just had another night where I spent several hours of it awake instead of sleeping. Not only does this deprive a body of rest, it deprives the mind of rest. And my mind needs it. Badly.

Here's a sampling of what I was thinking about when I should have been sleeping:

We spent more money on our nursery furniture than I was hoping to, though not excessively more, because we were impressed with the quality and safety standards the manufacturer adhered to. We just got started setting things up and we've discovered that the dresser is not level. It's not the floor, it's the dresser, and yes, I'm sure. I called the store I purchased from about this, but don't have resolution yet. In the meantime, I don't want to put things in the drawers because they tip forward. We could use shims to level it out, but for what we paid, I'd like the dresser itself to be level, please.

"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had, someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I Love you'..." (Rent)

The nursery is much smaller with furniture in it. So glad we only bought a crib and dresser because there isn't really room for anything else. A chair will be a challenge. Not that we have a chair because we couldn't buy one because I refused to put it on a credit card and...

There's a little family incident that is currently pissing me off. P did a nice thing for someone he's related to and made an online purchase on that individual's behalf (we do this frequently, as most of P's family is not computer-capable.) Then the person decided that they didn't want the item and told P to just sell it back (it was an ebay purchase.) So we've been out the cash for well over a month now as we tried to sort the problem out. Finally P just relisted the item, which did sell, but at a loss. I think that at the very least P and the family member ought to split the loss (truthfully, I think the person who wanted the item ought to take the whole loss, but that's not going to happen, so I figure it's just a costly life lesson.) I'm pretty sure though that we're taking the whole hit. While I'm glad to get part of the money back, I'm still pissed about the whole thing.

Wow, you can really feel the baby when she moves now that there's not really any room left. Sorry, kiddo, there's no room for me either. I usually keep my intestines much lower. Also, there is no exit on my left side, so please, please, stop heading there. I mean, if you're really set on staying transverse, fine, but know that you're not coming out on your own so OUCH, stop trying to find the door where there isn't one.

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes..." (Rent)

My family is in San Diego and some have been evacuated due to the wildfires.

It is too hot here for October. I'm tired of being hot. I love my cats, but damn, they're hot to sleep with sometimes. Oh, and as I suspected, one has already located the changing pad on the baby's dresser and has great respect and deep love for it's comfy nap virtues.

I was hungry, but I didn't want to have two breakfasts, so I decided to wait. Plus I didn't want to go downstairs and wake the puppies. I finally got irritated enough with myself and decided to get up anyway. I had a bagel and a glass of juice and turned the tv on and then off and told one puppy to go back to sleep and then went back upstairs myself.

I still need to turn in my pre-admission paperwork to the hospital so I'm in the system and then have my chat with the nurse about my post-delivery preferences. Going to do the paperwork thing today, not looking forward to the nurse part though.

Insert a few more verses from the Rent soundtrack and you pretty much have my early-morning non-sleep experience. I eventually drifted back to sleep, briefly, until it was time for P to go to work. I spent the rest of my morning feeling disoriented and groggy.

Hoping tonight goes better.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

36w = nothing.

For those people who keep saying "any time now," there is no change at all happening in my baby-expulsion area. Other than soreness, that is. No dropping, no dilating, very low-risk for having a baby this week.

My biggest delivery concern has become that I'll be alone for it. I don't want to get all into P's job, but the long and short of it is that while he has a very flexible schedule for the most part, there are some things that are non-negotiable (for example, the hospital tour day, the fact that he's been gone this week, and a couple other things that are still to come.) Not having my mom in the area for a back-up compounds the issue of aloneness.

So people insisting that the baby could come at any time now has really just been a stressor for me and it was a big relief to hear from my doctor that nothing's happening yet.

More to come on this topic...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

look what MY kid can do

I was so proud when, at my last appointment, we saw our little girl suck down some fluid and then show the doctor her practice breathing.

Genius? Show-off? Wonderful.

Friday, October 12, 2007

on tour

  • P was not able to make the hospital tour, and I was the only person to show up without a husband or boyfriend. The lady giving the tour made me announce this to the group by asking really loudly if I was alone or if we were waiting on someone.
  • The nurse walked much too quickly, given that all of us were within eight weeks of being due, and my pelvis was quite sore.
  • The L&D rooms are nice, though the one she showed us, for some strange reason, had no bed (the others were all occupied.)
  • We were not able to see the recovery/mom&baby area because they don't let people observe in that area in the evening. Yet they only schedule evening tours.
  • We saw the nursery. While everyone was oohing and ahhing over the (two) brand-new babies in there, I felt awful. One baby was awake and lying there alone in her bin in a diaper and moving her mouth all around. It was clear to me that she ought to be with her mother and I was barely able to stop myself from tearing up. Hormones.
  • It was explained to us that they "allow" the babies to stay in the L&D room with the mom for an hour before they take them to the nursery. For FOUR hours. I was the pain in the ass person who wouldn't let this go and kept asking why this was policy even for healthy babies and healthy moms.
  • I did not get an answer I was happy with. So what if dads are "allowed" to go with the baby to the nursery? Who cares if I'd rather have him go with her than stay with me? Why on earth should I have to make that choice at all if we're all healthy?
  • "So you're interested in non-separation?" the nurse asked me. Well, I hadn't really thought about it that way. I mean, I don't have a problem with her going to the nursery for some stuff (or lots of stuff, if it's medically necessary) but I just don't see the benefit of taking a newborn away from her mother for four hours when there's nothing wrong. One thing the nurse tried to bring up was temperature control, but as I understand it the best way for babies to get that down is skin-to-skin contact with mom. I mean, up until an hour before that, she'd have been living INSIDE of ME, so... Anyway, I was given the name and number of someone I need to work it out with if I don't want my baby taken away.
  • It felt very polarizing, as though I was being forced to choose sides. Some of the other parents were looking at me as though I was dense or something and just couldn't understand what the lady was saying, but I did notice one other mom-to-be nodding. She thanked me after for asking my questions, which made me feel much better and much less crazy.
  • After talking to the nurse one-on-one I liked her better (and I think she liked me better when I wasn't calling her out in front of the group) and I do like this hospital overall. The people I've met have all been very friendly and we know a couple of people who work there. It's five minutes from my house. My OB only delivers there, so unless I want to make some big changes (which I do not) I have to find a way to work within this system. Hopefully I'm able to do this to my satisfaction.
  • I also like the level of security they have. (I'm sure my little girl will look just lovely with her little felon-lite ankle bracelet on!)

Monday, October 08, 2007


I apologize. If I ever tried to sympathize with you about insomnia, I did mean it, but damn, I had no idea. Is this just how it's going to be until the end now? (and if you'd like to helpfully suggest that it's preparation for the baby, feel free to ingest your own pillow.) The notion that you're going insane is very very real. Last night I had the feeling that my insides were somehow separate from my outsides. I need a nap.

Thursday, October 04, 2007


I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you, but I did a week later eventually call the hospital back and successfully made an appointment for a tour.

But then P learned that he had to go out of town the day before the tour and maybe, just maybe, if he drove really fast all day long, he'd be able to make it back here to NewCity with seconds to spare.

So I called the nice lady back and rescheduled for another day.

And then P told me that he just got word that he'll be gone for the entire week of the new appointment.

So I called the nice lady back again (apologetically and embarrassedly.) Too bad for us, there aren't any other slots open until November, which would be silly because when I go to the hospital in November I'll pretty much just want a place to give birth and even though we'll be bringing the camera, touring is just not what we had in mind.

So we're back to my original date, where P probably won't make it, but could. The very nice lady on the phone let me know that I could bring someone else, like my mom or my best friend and I thanked her and then got off the phone and cried. There isn't anyone else here. My mommy lives way far away and so does my best friend. When I'm on my own, I'm really on my own.

I was hoping upon hope that P would be able to make it to this appointment (he is really good about attending everything possible and while neither of us wanted to take a class, we both did want to take the tour.) I've probably made the whole thing more important than it is, but there you have it.

I now found out that his meeting has been pushed back later in the day and that there's no way for him to make it home in time. I'm for sure going alone and I hate it.

In the back of my mind I've been worried about October for a while now. I knew there were a few things he had to go to that would take him away and had been trying not to think about it. This little tour problem has made it impossible to ignore the fact that even with the most supportive, attentive, and conscientious husband, ultimately I could be on my own for the birth day. And I'm really sad about that. When we moved here it was supposed to be less travel, less time away from home, and it has been. Mostly. Timing just sucks right now. And I need to whine about it a little because I'm feeling depressed.