Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Um, ok. What now?

Still waiting to hear if any embryos made it to freeze.

Other than that...
I got nothin'.

What am I supposed to do now?

Sunday, February 25, 2007


I am currently hosting two embryos. One is a very good looking six-cell and the other is a decent eight-cell. Transfer was really easy, much better than practice.

There are fourish still growing and if they make it to blast then we'll freeze. I think. I did receive this information while on valium. And I'm pretty tired because I haven't slept well lately. I'm still bloated and crampy and slightly uncomfortable from the retrieval. All normal though.

Saturday, February 24, 2007


I said at the beginning of this cycle that I really wanted to be positive. I really want to believe that this can and will work. I've struggled with that (reasonably, I think) when things haven't gone as planned, but I'm a work in progress myself so I think it's ok for me to struggle.

Before I went in for retrieval, I said over and over to myself for days, "healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies."

Over and over.


Fertilization Report:

Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 9 were mature.

We did half ICSI, half unassisted fertilization.

Of the 5 that we ICSI'd... 4 fertilized.

Of the 4 we let go naturally... 4 fertilized!

We have 8 embryos!


healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies...

Friday, February 23, 2007

Retrieval (or, it's all about whores and porn)

Retrieval went well. My clinic doesn't use the hospital for retrievals, so an anesthesiologist (A) came over. Ladies, conscious sedation is your friend. A said to me, "I'm going to put something in your iv to help you relax now." And he did. And the metal grate on the ceiling began to wave like the ocean and I told him so. I reminded the RE that he needed to look hard and make sure he got them all. He assured me that he would and told me to enjoy the drugs. Then A put me out (it made my arm feel like it was on fire--- for a second, then nothing.)

As I was waking up, A, the RE, and the nurse were discussing A's upcoming trip to Las Vegas for a wedding. I jumped right into the conversation (even though I couldn't open my eyes yet!) and told him that I thought it was a bad idea to go to Vegas for a wedding because of all the whores and the porn everywhere and that he should go to Monterey (CA) instead. He told me that it wasn't his wedding. I said, "that's fine, but it really isn't very wedding-y to go to a place full of whores and porn and we took my mother-in-law there and she was horrified by all the porn all over..." Guys, I couldn't let it go. For the five minutes it took for me to not feel "drunk" anymore, I wouldn't stop about the whores and porn. I wish I had a recording.

My first real question was "how many?" P told me nine. I was really excited until we realized that I didn't know how many were mature. Then I was cautiously really excited. Nine!

Each time I had been in for a scan we were seeing fewer and fewer good candidates which is why I was getting so down about the whole thing. I realize that six would be a good number for a lot of people, no need to be greedy, quality over quantity and all that, BUT each one represents a chance. I know you all know that. I kept seeing my chances reduced and it's not a good feeling.

Anyway. After my tirade on whores and porn was over we waited for me to feel well enough to leave and it only took about 45 minutes. I was having pretty bad cramps and felt very tender and bloated. By late evening I was feeling very uncomfortable and spent most of my time sans pats. I was instructed not to lay flat which is all I wanted to do. I wanted to sleep, but I'm not very good at doing it sitting up. The night was the worst part. I couldn't get comfortable and I kept waking myself up to pee. There was just so much pressure. I also had a bloody cyst that was leaking.

P did a good job though. Sometimes he's too much of a joker and I'm not in the mood for it when I don't feel my best, but he was very nice to me. He even brought me my favorite muffin when he brought me my drugs. He gave me unsolicited hugs and offered me pillows and went to get me things and dealt with me being cranky and unreasonable. That was worth it.

Of course then he reminded me about the whores and the porn and I realized that it all really did happen...

Anyone else say anything interesting while sedated?


Wednesday, February 21, 2007

mind wars

It's going to be great!
I'm going to be pregnant soon!
We have an excellent chance!
Lots of people have success on their first try!

My doctor's going to wreck this for me!
I could have done so much better!
There won't be enough eggs!
I'm going to ovulate before retrieval!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

It's trigger day

Done stimming. No more gonal-f and no more ganirelix.

I'm still disappointed about my low number of follicles, but I'm trying not to be. Unless something drastic that I haven't thought of happens between now and then, I'll be going through with retrieval on thursday.

I think the reason I'm having a hard time is that I feel like this is my shot. My only shot. We don't have the money to try again.

That's a lot of pressure on me and my parts.

Oh, and literally, there is a lot of pressure on my parts. And on the waistband of my pants. Not loving the bloated feeling and the fact that I'm now down a pair of jeans (since I have a lame number of follicles, the bloat really ought to be smaller in my opinion.)

P doesn't totally get the estrogen thing. I'm tired. He made me cry by teasing me about something stupid. He apologized, but still.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

miles to go

So, it turns out there aren't as many follicles as I thought. It looks like my 9-10 is really 7-8. Not the end of the world (I'm trying to believe this) but definitely disappointing when we were shooting for 10-15. The doctor said that I was doing fine, but he could see that I was less pleased. He said that he'd look over my chart and if he thought I could do dramatically better then we'd cancel.

So now I'm crying because I'm disappointed in my ovaries and I'm feeling all hopped up on drugs just waiting for my instructions call.

I'm thinking they'll want to go forward; I'm not sure what I want. 7-8 really isn't bad, I just thought I could do better since I'm "young" and such a "good responder."

Tell me it will be ok, ok?

UPDATE: Not canceled. Feeling somewhat better. Still disappointed in my C-student ovaries, but trying to remember that it's all about quality...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

we have follicles

I went for my first u/s today (not counting baseline.) I'll admit, I was a little nervous beforehand about how many follicles we'd see. I mean, I know my e2 is going up, but maybe I'm just making one big egg. Also, my clinic has a fairly high cancellation rate, and it would suck to be canceled before I really got started (though I know there are much worse things.)

Nope, as usual, I'm responding appropriately! Several uniformly-sized follicles on each ovary. I'm not growing them too quickly or too slowly, no real lead follicle, nice e2. I have at least 9-10 in the same range and 4ish that were a little smaller that could easily catch up. That cyst is still there, but the follicles seem to have no problem growing right next to it and no one else is worrying about it, so I won't.

I have several days of stims left, so we'll see what happens. The real story is that I'm exhausted. I'm passing out each night before 10 and sleeping very soundly (not complaining about that!) until 730 and I'm still tired. So tired that my arms feel too tired to hang from my shoulders.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I can worry in my sleep.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Here are some highlights:

(#1) I had this dream where I was friends with this blogger who has a kid (it's none of you, it's someone I lurk who doesn't even know me because I've never commented there.) and she and her husband died. I was taking care of her child and answering questions for the police and everything.

I didn't kill the blogger.

But I feel really guilty for having the dream in the first place (as if I had a choice.)

I'm kind of glad we aren't really blog-friends because I know I'd feel even worse.

(#2) Addison Montgomery (Grey's Anatomy) is my doctor. I don't remember the rest.

(#3) I think this one is fairly telling. Of course, I'm not sure what exactly it is telling me.

I had a bunch of follicles. 30 or so, at least. I had a vision of them on the u/s machine and then I saw them explode simultaneously.

And I woke up screaming.

Lucky for me, P comforted me in his sleep instead of punching me in the face or gouging my eyes out (which, unfortunately, has been his response before to my bad dreams when he happened to be dreaming himself.)

Monday, February 12, 2007

operation secret bathroom shoot-up

Dinner thing went well. Both more and less entertaining/boring than I had anticipated. My shot time coincided with the start of dinner so I was able to slip away when most people were glued to their seats and eagerly awaiting the arrival of a basket of bread. Very glad I didn't wear a dress. Would have been extremely difficult to do holding my dress in my mouth in the confines of a stall. And very inappropriate to pull a dress up outside of a stall. Pants come highly recommended here.

Later in the evening, P asked me for a pen (which I always carry along with a little notepad. there are some interesting tidbits written down there including the license plate # of a woman who was a bitch to me in a parking lot once and an idea for a children's book) Anyway. I was getting the pen out and my baggie of gonal-f pen and used needles was right on top and the woman I was talking to looked down and saw it. I made some quick comment about dirty needles but I don't know if she heard/understood or not. On a positive note, I actually liked talking to this person and we may have this couple over and ask them if they'll be our new best friends. Do you think that would be coming on too strong?

Saturday, February 10, 2007


You guys are fabulous.

I was having a rough morning and every little problem was feeling huge and unsolvable. It made me feel so much better that there were people out there who have been there, who are listening, and who are like me (repeat after me, "I am NOT a friendless freak!")


I've had a wicked headache for about 48 hours, and I'm thinking it's the hormone change (and someone please tell P that that really can cause headaches. I really did not care for the look he gave me when I suggested that as the cause. Stupid penis-bearer.) I finally had to just go to bed yesterday because I couldn't take it any longer. No internet, no reading... it was torture anyway!


Stims begin (began) today. I'll be doing my evening shot in the bathroom during a big fancy dinner thing tonight. Cross your fingers that I'm able to be discreet (we're in the closet with this group.) SO glad I was able to find a fancy top so that I don't have to hike up my dress in a bathroom stall somewhere. Plus, when did they stop making dresses with sleeves? It's the middle of freaking winter, I'm not wearing a strapless nothing and getting hypothermia. Tonight it's all about the pants.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Sometimes I miss having friends

Over the holidays I met someone who might possibly join P's family. I really enjoyed being around her and it reminded me a little of what I'm missing out on by being such a loner.

In some ways, moving has been rough on me. I've moved away from everyone I know more than once now, and it's really hard to make new friends. Sometimes I miss having someone in my own time zone that I can just call up whenever I have something to say.

There are parts of my life that I don't share on my blog. I just can't. I've written about this problem that I have in a round about way several times and then deleted it because I'm just not comfortable putting it all out there (details about my ovaries, sure) for the internet to read. In fact, I can think of three issues that I've wanted to write about but haven't because I don't want it all on the internet. Here's where a real-life friend would come in handy.

Right now I'm feeling a little bit whiny. A little "it's all about me and my problems are HUGE!" so I can't imagine dumping on anyone (although I'm sure P would love the respite!) I hate whining to people. I much prefer to be the listening friend.

I almost didn't post this.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

notes from a much too early morning

I just swallowed my last (hopefully!) bcp!

Scan showed that the cyst I had at the end of my last IUI cycle (on the ovary that had produced NO mature follicles, at that) is still there. Persistent little bugger to fight through three weeks of pills. The nurse seems to think it will not be a problem because it's old. We'll see.

For some reason when I left the blood room I said, "see you Thursday!" I have no idea why. There's no reason to go back Thursday. I'm a spaz like that.

Speaking of spaz. I fell down again (different stairs.) And I ran into the footboard of my own bed this morning. You know, because the bed hasn't changed positions in my room, ever, and I still can't navigate successfully in the dark.


Update: All clear. Stims to start on Saturday.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

While we wait

From the Kitten's birthday "party" on January 1:

(yeah, they're on the counter. never EVER allowed, but due to heathen beast puppies, they were granted a brief reprieve. and I wanted to take a picture of them together. with the hat. my bad.)


Puppies at 8 months:

they still love each other as much as they always have. they cuddle all the time.


This is from today:

it's damn cold. wind chill -15. they didn't notice.

Friday, February 02, 2007

For the love of (insert name here), please stop!

I am very done with the bcp portion of this show. Except that I have at least four more days to go.

My body is so confused. I'm a short cycles kind of girl, and I have a very bossy endocrine system. Many many moons ago when I was on the pill for HA! prevention! HA! I would regularly begin bleeding at the start of the third week of active pills. When I have had to use pills for cyst management, it's always been for two weeks, and I've been ok. I am now in my fourth week and my body is none too pleased. It wants to have a period, I can tell. Very light spotting and back cramps that are usually precursors to the big event have been plaguing me for the past week.

And chocolate. My friend, chocolate. I have had a NEED for chocolate, particularly peanut butter m&ms. Usually just having it once would satisfy the craving, but not this time. I want more, and I want it now. I just ate a cupcake and it's not even 10am.