chicken, you say? why, yes, I am.

I still have this cold and I'm not any less tired, but I am glad that you all agree with me that waiting until Monday for a beta is torture.

I am now the scared hopeful owner of several sticks to be urinated on. Of course, I don't have the courage to actually pee on them, but I have purchased them. They're sitting on my coffee table right now. Looking at me. Hoping I'll take them into the bathroom and have my wicked way with them. Instead I just open their boxes and remove the leaflets and then put the leaflets back in the boxes and close them up and put them back on the table.

8dp3dt

Nothing happening. Except that I'm getting sick. Now in addition to feeling tired, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I hate sneezing all the damn time. I hate having a drippy nose. I hate my slightly scratchy throat.

The progesterone is doing its job. I usually begin spotting by 9dpo and bleeding by 11 dpo and there's none of that here.

I didn't want to poas before the beta until I found out that I don't get one until next monday (can you effing believe that?) and so I figured I'd test at some point. But I don't want to do the whole "did I test too early?" thing either, so for now at least, no peeing on anything.

Can it be next week now, please?

Turns out that this post is about PIO. And naps.

I feel like I should have something to say, but I'm not sure what.

I'm tired again. I woke up this morning ready for a nap. I wanted a nap all day long but didn't get one. I'm still thinking about it. Is this a progesterone thing? Because I'm already blaming stuff on it. I don't know if I'm hungry or if I just want to be eating, but you don't want to be a grilled cheese sandwich in my house. Also, I know where they say the progesterone goes, (boobs) but the oil part has made its way to my face. I've got wintery dry legs and an oil slick on my face and I'm feeling puffy again. And I had a bloody nose last night. And heartburn. This could be the most attractive I've ever felt.

Speaking of PIO, I meant to comment on that before. I was not feeling very brave about the PIO. Or giving up my control over the injections and allowing P to administer the PIO. His practice run with a grapefruit did not make me feel any better. He jabbed at it in a swift, super-scary, dart-like motion. (Just as instructed.) I was glad that big fucking needle was going somewhere that I wouldn't be able to watch.

Then came the first day. I gathered up the required supplies without actually looking at the drawing-up needle. I warmed the oil and passed it along to P. I had him show me his target spot and I iced that area. (Some people say not to ice, but I did because it made me feel better. Plus, I only do it for as long as it takes P to draw up the oil so it really just does the surface.) I hid my face on a pillow and remembered to make sure the muscle was relaxed and I kept my breathing normal. It hurt, but I did not yell. I did not cry. I did whine a little and command him to rub it when he was through, but that was really (mostly) for show.

It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It's been eightish days and I think he's gotten better each day. It doesn't feel good, but it's not exactly torture either (not that I'm telling him that.) The first two days the soreness really lasted all day long. Now I have sore spots on each cheek, but I'm thinkin' there's no way around that.

Is it bedtime yet? Almost? Because I'm daydreaming about my pillow and blanket and a kitty or two. And my embryos.

one answer

Nothing to freeze.

Um, ok. What now?

Still waiting to hear if any embryos made it to freeze.

Other than that... I got nothin'.

What am I supposed to do now?

3dt

I am currently hosting two embryos. One is a very good looking six-cell and the other is a decent eight-cell. Transfer was really easy, much better than practice.

There are fourish still growing and if they make it to blast then we'll freeze. I think. I did receive this information while on valium. And I'm pretty tired because I haven't slept well lately. I'm still bloated and crampy and slightly uncomfortable from the retrieval. All normal though.

mantra

I said at the beginning of this cycle that I really wanted to be positive. I really want to believe that this can and will work. I've struggled with that (reasonably, I think) when things haven't gone as planned, but I'm a work in progress myself so I think it's ok for me to struggle.

Before I went in for retrieval, I said over and over to myself for days, "healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies."

Over and over.

***

Fertilization Report:

Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 9 were mature.

We did half ICSI, half unassisted fertilization.

Of the 5 that we ICSI'd... 4 fertilized.

Of the 4 we let go naturally... 4 fertilized!

We have 8 embryos!

***

healthy sperm, healthy eggs, healthy embryos, healthy babies...

Retrieval (or, it's all about whores and porn)

Retrieval went well. My clinic doesn't use the hospital for retrievals, so an anesthesiologist (A) came over. Ladies, conscious sedation is your friend. A said to me, "I'm going to put something in your iv to help you relax now." And he did. And the metal grate on the ceiling began to wave like the ocean and I told him so. I reminded the RE that he needed to look hard and make sure he got them all. He assured me that he would and told me to enjoy the drugs. Then A put me out (it made my arm feel like it was on fire--- for a second, then nothing.)

As I was waking up, A, the RE, and the nurse were discussing A's upcoming trip to Las Vegas for a wedding. I jumped right into the conversation (even though I couldn't open my eyes yet!) and told him that I thought it was a bad idea to go to Vegas for a wedding because of all the whores and the porn everywhere and that he should go to Monterey (CA) instead. He told me that it wasn't his wedding. I said, "that's fine, but it really isn't very wedding-y to go to a place full of whores and porn and we took my mother-in-law there and she was horrified by all the porn all over..." Guys, I couldn't let it go. For the five minutes it took for me to not feel "drunk" anymore, I wouldn't stop about the whores and porn. I wish I had a recording.

My first real question was "how many?" P told me nine. I was really excited until we realized that I didn't know how many were mature. Then I was cautiously really excited. Nine!

Each time I had been in for a scan we were seeing fewer and fewer good candidates which is why I was getting so down about the whole thing. I realize that six would be a good number for a lot of people, no need to be greedy, quality over quantity and all that, BUT each one represents a chance. I know you all know that. I kept seeing my chances reduced and it's not a good feeling.

Anyway. After my tirade on whores and porn was over we waited for me to feel well enough to leave and it only took about 45 minutes. I was having pretty bad cramps and felt very tender and bloated. By late evening I was feeling very uncomfortable and spent most of my time sans pats. I was instructed not to lay flat which is all I wanted to do. I wanted to sleep, but I'm not very good at doing it sitting up. The night was the worst part. I couldn't get comfortable and I kept waking myself up to pee. There was just so much pressure. I also had a bloody cyst that was leaking.

P did a good job though. Sometimes he's too much of a joker and I'm not in the mood for it when I don't feel my best, but he was very nice to me. He even brought me my favorite muffin when he brought me my drugs. He gave me unsolicited hugs and offered me pillows and went to get me things and dealt with me being cranky and unreasonable. That was worth it.

Of course then he reminded me about the whores and the porn and I realized that it all really did happen...

Anyone else say anything interesting while sedated?

NINE!

mind wars

It's going to be great!
I'm going to be pregnant soon!
We have an excellent chance!
Lots of people have success on their first try!

My doctor's going to wreck this for me!
I could have done so much better!
There won't be enough eggs!
I'm going to ovulate before retrieval!

It's trigger day

Done stimming. No more gonal-f and no more ganirelix.

I'm still disappointed about my low number of follicles, but I'm trying not to be. Unless something drastic that I haven't thought of happens between now and then, I'll be going through with retrieval on thursday.

I think the reason I'm having a hard time is that I feel like this is my shot. My only shot. We don't have the money to try again.

That's a lot of pressure on me and my parts.

Oh, and literally, there is a lot of pressure on my parts. And on the waistband of my pants. Not loving the bloated feeling and the fact that I'm now down a pair of jeans (since I have a lame number of follicles, the bloat really ought to be smaller in my opinion.)

P doesn't totally get the estrogen thing. I'm tired. He made me cry by teasing me about something stupid. He apologized, but still.

miles to go

So, it turns out there aren't as many follicles as I thought. It looks like my 9-10 is really 7-8. Not the end of the world (I'm trying to believe this) but definitely disappointing when we were shooting for 10-15. The doctor said that I was doing fine, but he could see that I was less pleased. He said that he'd look over my chart and if he thought I could do dramatically better then we'd cancel.

So now I'm crying because I'm disappointed in my ovaries and I'm feeling all hopped up on drugs just waiting for my instructions call.

I'm thinking they'll want to go forward; I'm not sure what I want. 7-8 really isn't bad, I just thought I could do better since I'm "young" and such a "good responder."

Tell me it will be ok, ok?

***
UPDATE: Not canceled. Feeling somewhat better. Still disappointed in my C-student ovaries, but trying to remember that it's all about quality...

we have follicles

I went for my first u/s today (not counting baseline.) I'll admit, I was a little nervous beforehand about how many follicles we'd see. I mean, I know my e2 is going up, but maybe I'm just making one big egg. Also, my clinic has a fairly high cancellation rate, and it would suck to be canceled before I really got started (though I know there are much worse things.)

Nope, as usual, I'm responding appropriately! Several uniformly-sized follicles on each ovary. I'm not growing them too quickly or too slowly, no real lead follicle, nice e2. I have at least 9-10 in the same range and 4ish that were a little smaller that could easily catch up. That cyst is still there, but the follicles seem to have no problem growing right next to it and no one else is worrying about it, so I won't.

I have several days of stims left, so we'll see what happens. The real story is that I'm exhausted. I'm passing out each night before 10 and sleeping very soundly (not complaining about that!) until 730 and I'm still tired. So tired that my arms feel too tired to hang from my shoulders.

I can worry in my sleep.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Here are some highlights:

(#1) I had this dream where I was friends with this blogger who has a kid (it's none of you, it's someone I lurk who doesn't even know me because I've never commented there.) and she and her husband died. I was taking care of her child and answering questions for the police and everything.

I didn't kill the blogger.

But I feel really guilty for having the dream in the first place (as if I had a choice.)

I'm kind of glad we aren't really blog-friends because I know I'd feel even worse.

(#2) Addison Montgomery (Grey's Anatomy) is my doctor. I don't remember the rest.

(#3) I think this one is fairly telling. Of course, I'm not sure what exactly it is telling me.

I had a bunch of follicles. 30 or so, at least. I had a vision of them on the u/s machine and then I saw them explode simultaneously.

And I woke up screaming.

Lucky for me, P comforted me in his sleep instead of punching me in the face or gouging my eyes out (which, unfortunately, has been his response before to my bad dreams when he happened to be dreaming himself.)

operation secret bathroom shoot-up

Dinner thing went well. Both more and less entertaining/boring than I had anticipated. My shot time coincided with the start of dinner so I was able to slip away when most people were glued to their seats and eagerly awaiting the arrival of a basket of bread. Very glad I didn't wear a dress. Would have been extremely difficult to do holding my dress in my mouth in the confines of a stall. And very inappropriate to pull a dress up outside of a stall. Pants come highly recommended here.

Later in the evening, P asked me for a pen (which I always carry along with a little notepad. there are some interesting tidbits written down there including the license plate # of a woman who was a bitch to me in a parking lot once and an idea for a children's book) Anyway. I was getting the pen out and my baggie of gonal-f pen and used needles was right on top and the woman I was talking to looked down and saw it. I made some quick comment about dirty needles but I don't know if she heard/understood or not. On a positive note, I actually liked talking to this person and we may have this couple over and ask them if they'll be our new best friends. Do you think that would be coming on too strong?

notes from a much too early morning

I just swallowed my last (hopefully!) bcp!

Scan showed that the cyst I had at the end of my last IUI cycle (on the ovary that had produced NO mature follicles, at that) is still there. Persistent little bugger to fight through three weeks of pills. The nurse seems to think it will not be a problem because it's old. We'll see.

For some reason when I left the blood room I said, "see you Thursday!" I have no idea why. There's no reason to go back Thursday. I'm a spaz like that.

Speaking of spaz. I fell down again (different stairs.) And I ran into the footboard of my own bed this morning. You know, because the bed hasn't changed positions in my room, ever, and I still can't navigate successfully in the dark.

***

Update: All clear. Stims to start on Saturday.

For the love of (insert name here), please stop!

I am very done with the bcp portion of this show. Except that I have at least four more days to go.

My body is so confused. I'm a short cycles kind of girl, and I have a very bossy endocrine system. Many many moons ago when I was on the pill for HA! prevention! HA! I would regularly begin bleeding at the start of the third week of active pills. When I have had to use pills for cyst management, it's always been for two weeks, and I've been ok. I am now in my fourth week and my body is none too pleased. It wants to have a period, I can tell. Very light spotting and back cramps that are usually precursors to the big event have been plaguing me for the past week.

And chocolate. My friend, chocolate. I have had a NEED for chocolate, particularly peanut butter m&ms. Usually just having it once would satisfy the craving, but not this time. I want more, and I want it now. I just ate a cupcake and it's not even 10am.

speaking of drive-bys...

P and I were having a dinner party (my first!) for some people P works with. He was making a ham (disgusting, I know) and we were in the checkout line with it. The lady in front of us asked P how much the ham was and he said he didn't remember, that he hadn't shopped around for it or anything. She seemed appalled that we hadn't gone out meat pricing and said that if we looked in the paper we could see who had the best prices on meat. P said that he wanted the ham either way and small differences in the cost of meat wasn't going to dictate where he buys groceries.

"Obviously you don't have kids. Once you have children, then you'll understand how important it is to shop around."

You select the appropriate response:

A) Fuck you. Oh wait, I wouldn't.

B) Yes, because having children does make most people more fiscally responsible. That's why you never see families on welfare or government aid. (yes, I know this isn't always a responsibility issue, so save it.)

C) I do have children, I just left them at home. The four year old is teaching the two year old about matches and lighter fluid.

Practice makes... cramps

Preamble:

Very nice nurse, all said with a smile, not being mean at all...

"Do you have a full bladder?"

"Um, I think so."

"Hesitation... that means no!"

"Well, it feels full to ME."

"We'll see soon enough if you're telling the truth."

***

Has anyone had a mock transfer that hurt like a sonofabitch? I didn't think the transfer was going to be uncomfortable. Am I delusional? My RE touched the top of my ute with the catheter (ok, I'll be honest, he was actually using JAGGED STICKS!) and he said that's what the cramping was and that he wouldn't do it at transfer, he was just measuring how far it was to the top of the uterus. But I was feeling some "discomfort" before that. I've had a similar feeling with the IUIs, so I assume it's just me and the catheter not getting along.

So I guess it wasn't that bad. Maybe. I don't know now. I thought my biggest worry was going to be if my bladder was full enough and then not peeing all over the doctor's hand. Do they cancel your cycle if you pee on them?

Then they flushed the uterus with a saline solution and looked at my barrenness.

"It looks good. Good shape, and nice and clear."

"It should be. I don't routinely store things in there or anything."

Perhaps I just don't LIKE how it feels when we shove gently guide things through my cervix. I'm strange like that.

This is the boring part

My RE initially said three weeks of bcps which became four weeks when I spoke with my nurse. What a snoozefest. I do my uterine measurement/mock transfer this week and then more waiting.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to become more positive about the whole thing which is hard after nearly four years of cynicism. Still, there's nothing else for me to DO right now, so I may as well give the whole, "why not us?" outlook a spin. It's not exactly an attitude I'm comfortable in because I know that its fragile and easily corrupted by disappointment and despair, but still...

I'm at the very least going to (attempt to) approach this whole thing with the attitude that it can work (unlike my attitude toward IUI which was basically something that I felt I had to do in order to earn my lap.)

We'll see how long this lasts.

ready or not

So, we're moving along.

I've been on bcps for a while now and have added the baby aspirin and have an appointment for a mock transfer and another for a suppression check.

We're giving IVF a whirl.

Have any of you made the decision to do ivf without being sure it was the right thing to do?

P and I have gone back and forth on this issue during the last three years. We've both been 100% for and against it (for us) but usually we've been on the same page at the same time. Now P wants to try ivf. I think it's important to him to give it a shot at least once.

I'm feeling lots of things. Ambivalent. Afraid. Confused. Done. Hopeful. I've agreed to do it but...

I'm not sure it's what we should do.

I'm worried about money.

I'm worried about how I'll react to the increase in drugs.

I'm worried we're making the wrong choice.

I don't want to let P down.

I don't want to let myself down.

I asked P if he'd feel worse if we tried and it didn't work or if we never tried and just moved on. He really wants to try. I've let myself be swept along because I'm not sure. I don't think I have to be sure, I just wish I was.