Saturday, September 30, 2006

how did we get here?

I don't make friends easily. I've moved a lot as a child and as an adult. I worked full time through college and didn't join anything so I graduated without any real friends. I've had work friends, and they were all "good friends" at the time, but those who have not dropped off are spread over several states. Sometimes I dropped the ball, sometimes they did, sometimes there was no reason at all.

M- I feel like our friendship ended because of money. I didn't mind helping you out, really. And if you had said that you couldn't pay me back, I'd rather have had the friend than the money (and at the time, we were both so poor. What was it? $70?) Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe with your new fiance, I didn't really fit in your life anymore. In any case, we went through a lot together with working with the closet dom Alice, taking turns coming in late to work and buying breakfast, catching your cheating exhusband on the internet, and making up fake lives and getting guys to buy us drinks and then beating them at pool. I don't know where you are now, but I wish I did.

E- I think I may have found where you work now. It's been several years, but you wouldn't mind if I emailed you, would you? What if in addition to asking you how you were and what you were up to I also asked you for a reference letter? Is it lame to google your old friends? Is it lame that I feel scared to call you up? I kind of think so, but...

J- I think our friendship was meant to end. I really needed someone then and you were like a big sister to me. I did feel sort of competitive and being around you made me feel like a prude in some ways. I think that some of the choices I made might not have happened if I hadn't been trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. Still, you were there for me when I needed you (especially on scary alcohol poisoning night. Thank you.) and I'll always remember that about you. You're a good person and if I run into you again (and I just might) I'd love to get lunch.

L- I thought you were so cool. You wore purple Adidas all-stars to work and I wanted some so bad. I got a white roxy sweatshirt and wore it to work even though it's brainless to wear an expensive white sweatshirt to work when you work with small children. We were at really different places in our personal lives, but we had fun while it lasted (OMG, I just remembered the fun we had with the crossdressers J's bachelorette party!) I wish you the best of luck in your new profession.

D- Girl, stop sending me email forwards and give me a call! I gave you my number, but I don't have yours, so it's up to you. And if you're not gonna call, stop saying you are. But I feel like I can't really say that since we've spoken so infrequently lately and with your miscarriage and your dog dying, I don't want to be bitchy about the little stuff. I hope you'reok, and I know we'll talk soon.

A- I didn't see this coming. After the way we bonded in misery I thought we'd be friends for much longer than we were. Clearly, I was mistaken. Did I always misread the situation? I knew you had other mom friends that you hung out with, but you always talked about them in such a surface-y way that I always had the impression that it was just about the kids. Would things have turned out differently if I had been able to get pregnant? Did you not want to hang out with us because we had no kids? Did you not want to leave your child with us because we don't have a child? That's kind of what it felt like there at the end. You can't imagine the pain that idea causes an infertile couple. I gave you so much of my time, energy, and emotion there when you were struggling in your marriage. I was there for you and so was P. We stood behind you and never judged you for your choices. I don't think you can say that about many other people who know what happened. My grandma thinks you made your choice and are too embarrassed to be my friend now that I know all about your dirty laundry. Maybe that's true. If it is, I think that's really sad. I thought we were better friends than that. I feel like you put me last over and over again and february was the last straw. You made plans and broke them and you either let your child run the show or you were using her as an excuse. I wish things didn't end up the way they did then, but they did. There had to be more reason than that one day for you to fall out of touch, but I wish you would have told me. I don't know how to fix what I don't know about. I don't know if I should try to fix what bothered me.

C, W, P- I don't have many friends. I'm very grateful for the ones I have. Putting up with me must be a huge challenge. I love you.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Ok, I didn't lose my ring

When P bought it, the ring included a warranty. The terms state that it must be checked biannually by them in order to get replacement value if there's ever a problem. Problem. I don't live in that state any longer. FedEx, etc. won't insure jewelery so if I send it to my mom to have it checked and it's lost, I'm SOL. But if I don't send it, the warranty isn't valid any longer.

That's what made me think about what I would do if my ring disappeared. I have discussed the issue further with the company, and they've agreed to honor the warranty if the ring is checked by another AGS jeweler and I have proof. So no big worries.

What would I have done?

Well, P and I went ring shopping together and he knew what I liked, so he did a good job picking. I get lots of compliments because he went for quality. I'd be upset because nothing can replace the original and I have a good proposal memory, but if I got to choose now, I'd probably get something a little different. I'd like a similar setting (platinum, baby!) but I'd probably upgrade the diamond size to a full ct. and possibly change shape.

(P, if you're reading, this does NOT mean that I'm unhappy with my ring! I love it and you and you already know that so don't be a craphead. Spphhbbml.)

Monday, September 25, 2006

sentimental or practical?

Mailing a diamond ring is complicated. No one will sell you insurance. I have a headache, so I'm not even going to go into why this has come up, but don't worry, it was boring anyway.

Say you did mailed or FedExed or UPSed your engagement/wedding ring. And say they lost it.

Would you:
a) replace it with something that looked exactly the same
b) something the same only bigger
c) choose something altogether different
d) not bother since nothing can replace the original

just curious.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I guess I'll go eat worms

The other night we were watching tv and I guess I drifted off to sleep. I woke up and thought I was having a perfectly reasonable conversation about the pope, but I guess I wasn't because I said to P, "Well, at least I know he won't pee on my floor." P thought I was crazy (duh) and I had this feeling like my brain was all mixed up. I totally thought I was awake, but then I got confused. It was kind of scary to feel like there was something wrong with my brain.

I haven't slept well in days. This morning I was dreaming.

#1 - I dreamed that we had Girl and Boy only to find homes for them. We had given Boy away and I freaked out because "It was a big mistake" and I had to convince P to get Boy back and not Give away Girl too.

Interesting, considering that it was pretty much all P who wanted puppies and I have been mostly-joking about giving them away from day one.

#2 - I dreamed that everyone hated me. Literally, everyone. Like, people were threatening to kill me (although some of the methods were suspect, as a guy was threatening me with a rusty nail and a band-aid that had epstein-barr on it.) I was awarded a medal that everyone thought I didn't deserve, and the whole football team was angry with me. I felt so awful. P just sat at a picnic table painting sauce on chicken to bbq, and no one defended me I can't even convey how terrible this all was.

When I woke up, I wanted my mommy. I still feel this heavy sadness. I started crying when P left for work because it felt like he hated me. I'm having trouble shaking the awful feeling.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

technological liberation and seduction (I'm here to solve the BIG problems in life)

When my then-boyfriend got a cell phone ca. 1997, I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. I knew no one who had one except him. I remember mocking him mercilessly and asking why he would possibly need that (am considering emailing to apologize now.) Of course, eventually the revolution came and I got a phone too and I forgot all about my teasing over his need for a silly toy.

I went from carrier to carrier, hating on most of them, getting thoroughly screwed by one. When I moved away from CA, I realized that I hardly ever used my phone and was tired of shelling out the cash each month for the few minutes I actually used. P and I decided to cut costs an try out pay-as-you-go service. No more activation fees, no more big bills, no more roaming surprises, no more contracts. Decent service, even when traveling. Happy Twirl.

After a few years, we moved again, to NewCity. My phone was wearing out and not holding a charge, and I let the service lapse. P got a new phone for his job and instead of trying for a local number I let his service lapse too. I've been living cell-free pretty much since May.


It's been so great. When I'm out, I'm out. I can actually go somewhere and not tell anyone! And no one can ask me where I am, what I'm doing, or when I'll be home. Fantastic! (keep in mind that I have very few people to talk to anyway)

Lately though, I've been hearing the call of a new phone. P really wants me to get one because he likes to bother me when I go to the store. I started researching other carriers that offer prepaid service and it made my head spin a little. I eliminated a couple based on ridiculous rules or charges or crap networks. I'm left with two.

Why these two? Well, there's Tracfone, which I've used before and been completely satisfied with. And there's Cingular GoPhone, which offers me this:

I've been totally seduced by this tiny phone. It's cute and I want it. It's also kind of expensive and I'm a little cheap. Oh, and I HATE cingular.

UGH! What do I do? Am I crazy to hold a five-year grudge against a company? Should I give in and buy me a new toy? Should I continue to live my happy cell-free life?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Puppies: we live in Toys R Us

In the Twirl household, we go through lots of toys. Puppies are little destructo-units. They will chew and chew and chew until there's nothing left and then they will chew each other. I decided from the start to make sure there were always plenty of different acceptable chewing options available. They have soft toys, hard toys, rope toys, chew toys, and they love them all. They say you ought to rotate, but I don't really need to since they destroy things so often that there's always a new toy coming in to replace something.

Seven weeks: rope

Eight weeks: Girl with rope and fish, Boy with monkey and carrot. Carrot was the first toy that Boy selected himself by taking it off a low shelving unit at the "toy store."

Nine weeks: Girl with jack, Boy with unfortunately-placed carrot. Girl is not usually possessive over toys. She shares easily and is not territorial. This does not apply to the big jack. Boy may chew in tandem, but he may not take this toy away!

Ten weeks: Twirl messes with Boy and many toys, Boy and mini tennis ball. I do have to mess with them when they're sleeping. It's payback for them messing with me when they're awake.

Eleven weeks: Boy and rope, Girl and Boy and HIS giraffe. Boy does not share toys he's deemed "his." The giraffe is not for sharing. He gathers up toys to sleep with or hoard.

Twelve weeks: Girl with jack, Girl and Boy chewing a hard ball with three ropes that go through and have knots in the ends. The ropes have since been shredded, partially consumed, and thrown away.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I would sooo have that McBaby

Patrick Dempsey and his wife are having a second child.

If it's you, speak up!

P loaned out Lost (season one) to someone at some time. He does not recall who or when and therefore can't ask for the discs back. His wife was not at all pleased about this and is holding a (silent) grudge.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

when all the stars were falling,

i reached up like you said.
all the stars were falling, one hit me in the head,
and i fell down, down, down.
i fell down, down.


I'm keeping my record intact. Another medicated cycle, another follow-up cycle on the bench because of cysts. More cysts than mature follicles. Larger too. The printouts of the cysts made a nice long chain. She said, "well, it does look like your body responds well to gonal-f." I said that it didn't feel "well." She was really nice to me though. She did made me cry when she was poking around in there, but that's to be expected. Fucking cysts.

The nurse thought it was kinda sad that I was expecting cysts. She said I sounded resigned, which I'm sure I did. With how bloated I was and how much discomfort I've had, I'm not surprised that I still had shit growing in there. I do wish they wouldn't tell me that as a part of my bloodwork they're going to do a beta. I know what they're doing, I know why, but it's still depressing.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Goodbye perfect lining, hello cysts?

I've recovered from my little emotional outburst yesterday and fortunately I no longer feel like crying. In addition to the pain of failure, I blame the hormone shift.

Now I'm ready to enter the three-day-wait. I'm up for the title of most medicated cycles followed by a rest cycle due to cysts. Do you think the Academy will pick me? I've never not been benched following a med cycle, so I expect that will be the case this time too. Especially given how "well" I respond to the drugs.


here's a bonus tidbit:

I just got a call from the pharmacy.

"You have a prescription waiting for you."

"I shouldn't have any."

"Your... gawn-al.... F"

"No, I already picked that up."

How the fuck did the pharmacy already know this was a failure?!"

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Perfect failure

Sometimes life just sucks. And it's not life exactly, it's just my life. Or my non-life. I'm sitting here, in pain, waiting for the backaches and cramping to give birth to the bloody end of this failed cycle. This, my 48th cycle, was another perfect failure.

I know iuis aren't fabulous as far as success rates go, but I don't really have a choice right now. We made the best decision we could and it's in the hands of a doctor who wants us to fail on his protocol a few times before we can move on. I wanted a lap. Don't tell me to be the boss because it does not always work. Sometimes you just get labeled a problem patient and you end up in limbo for over a year. Sometimes you have to suck it up and work it from within the system. I'm trying anyway. I don't really want advice. I don't need help. Not with this anyway. As much as I'm not liking the way things are going, it was still the right decision.

What I need is to succeed at something. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of shooting up, bloating up, and the second I can wear my non-stretch jeans again, the backaches start and we can relive the process all over again. This afternoon I did a shot of vodka because I could feel the ache coming on. P looked at me like I was nuts. I was crazy; it should have been tequila. Better than tylenol. Waiting sucks. The inevitable sucks too, but the waiting for it, especially when there's pain, is just emotional misery.

We went to B&N and walked around. I felt like a zombie. I love books, but the store was driving me mad. I saw strollers and I heard children laughing and talking and crying and I felt like there was a whole other world there that I'm just allowed to look at but not be a part of. I walked past the pregnancy section without slowing, but I knew it was there. I know there are books about fertility and endometriosis and pcos in the health section, but I didn't want to look. What can a book tell me? Nothing. A book doesn't know why this is so hard. Every section I walked by made my heart hurt a little. My glazed-over eyes welled up with tears, but my zombie-self didn't let them out. I wandered around though the history and biography sections where I can usually get lost, but I didn't really stop. When I realized that I'd been staring at a table of boxed calendars, I found P and told him that I wanted ice cream. "Now?" "Yes, NOW." "Are you sure you don't want a chocolate cupcake?" "No, ice cream." "Ok," he said, seeing I can only imagine what on my face, "let's go." And we did.

Did it help? I don't know. I'm sitting here writing this wondering how I got here. How did things turn out this way for me, for us? How did I become this person? I don't believe in fate, karma, or divine intervention for things like this. It's just happening and there is no reason. But it's still happening and not being able to explain it in a five paragraph essay is very frustrating. I didn't want puppies. I wanted babies. I never wanted to be a doctor, lawyer or indian chief. I didn't want to be a butcher, baker, or candlestick maker either (and I'm not drunk, by the way.) All I ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother. I feel like I'm failing at the one and the other is so unimaginable by now I can't even get there in my mind anymore.

Friday, September 08, 2006

makin' the watch list

P: Have a good day with the little terrors.

Twirl: the first time I read that sentence I saw "terrorists"

P: No, not terrorists. They're combination wrecking balls, lawnmowers,
weed-wackers and other things though.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

she meant well, of course, but...

We try to take the puppies out often so they can meet as many different people as possible while they're still young. Aside from the pet store (or toy store, as we call it) we like to go eat lunch out where we can sit at an outside table. People pass by and they get petted and fawned over. They love it.

A woman approached me saying that she was in town on business and she missed her dog and could she pet mine. I always say yes, and so we chatted as she got her puppy fix. She seemed like a nice lady and she gushed over my puppies and kept them entertained, so I liked her just fine. Then she had to kill it.

Her: These guys are just like little babies.

Me: Yeah, they do require quite a bit of attention and work.

Her: It's good you have them. I think everyone should have to take care of a puppy before they have babies. They're such good preparation for the real thing.

Me: (Take a big bite of sandwich to muffle any possible words.)

Saturday, September 02, 2006

(cycle #48) and also, I don't speak the name of The Scottish Play

This cycle my husband said something that bugged me. He said he didn't have a lot of confidence that it would work. I mulled this over a bit and came to the following conclusions:

1. Only I am allowed to be pessimistic. I never think it's going to work. He's always been the optimist and I dislike being forced into that role.

2. After asking him why he said that, he said, "maybe I'd feel differently if we were doing ivf." I think the failures are finally getting to him. We've been back and forth about ever doing ivf so many times. Has he changed his mind again? Have I?


I have had, again, a fairly perfect cycle. Good response to meds, appropriate number of mature follicles, good lining. Once again, I saw myself ovulating on the screen just prior to the iui. P had a good report, and when the nurse gave him the post wash numbers and a positive "grade" he responded, "of course." Once again, no good reason except chance and statistics for us to be unsuccessful. Of course, if there was nothing at all wrong with us, we would not be on cycle #48 with no pregnancies (let alone babies! babies? ha!)

This iui sucked a little. It hurt. It doesn't usually hurt. The nurse said my ovaries were much larger and that they were making my cervix difficult to reach. Then, later, the cramping set in. My goodness, the cramping. I felt sick, had no appetite (and eating was required so that I could take my antibiotics) and had pain/discomfort/bloating all day long. I turned over on my side once and it was torture. As was the moment where my cat jumped up on my belly for a cuddle (we did compromise, and he had a nice nap on my legs.) So far, I feel much better today.


I began this post a couple days ago. I didn't want to jinx myself by putting it up because the iui hadn't actually happened yet. We all have our little superstitions, don't we? Once, I began a cycle with unpolished toes and refused to re-do them until I knew it was a failure. Because you know, nail polish consistency can really make or break a cycle.