Thursday, November 29, 2007

birth story, part one

Last Wednesday's doctor appointment confirmed what I had already suspected: after 41 weeks of residence, my little girl was unwilling to give up her home. The doctor had already said that 41 weeks was going to be the end for me and we decided to induce. Starting that night.

So we went out to our last lunch together and talked about how we would have a baby, probably tomorrow, and made phone calls to our parents. We went home and packed up. I vacuumed the house. P cleaned the litter box and we asked the neighbors to look after the dogs. We took one last picture of me (ohmygoodness, do I look big!) for my mom, loaded up the car, and headed to the hospital.

I had preregistered, so we were able to head straight up to L&D. I got into my pretty, pretty gown and before I knew it I was hooked up to an IV and strapped to the monitors. I had a nurse and a doctor ask me a billion questions, most of which I had already covered in my paperwork and then with each of them, but I guess they have to ask. When he was done, the resident said, "Good. Now you can have a baby." Funny. Good thing I did that paperwork then. At least he was joking.

Crying baby, more to come.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


I'm very tired, so the story part will come at another time, but for now, I'm a mom.

Thank you for all the well-wishes!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Well, sex didn't get her IN there...

...and it looks like it won't be what gets her out either (and, um, thanks, Mom, for the suggestion!)

I have been a little jealous of people who have had their babies recently (sorry!) and especially those who had them early for whatever reason. If you had your baby on my due date (which is none of YOU) I'm probably irrationally cranky with you. Apparently, I've felt possessive toward that particular date.

Another week with NO progress, NO contractions, and NO change (even though I, at one point, was showing progression. grr.) has brought us to intervention time.

I'm guessing the odd (and sporadic, I swear) feelings of jealousy and frustration will all be over very, very soon.

I'll update when I can...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

the trouble with those helpful email newsletters

When you hit 40 weeks, your weekly emails start congratulating you on your newborn. Tons of tips on that first week, bonding, feeding, what your baby might look like, etc.

Not so helpful when you have yet to give birth and are still incubating.

Perhaps I'll be thankful for hospital food this year...

Monday, November 19, 2007

In support of gift receipts

Baby still on the inside.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

And this is why I don't call.

Thank you all for indulging my crankiness and neediness!

I took a fall this morning. Not a big one, just two steps, but I fell onto concrete and it hurt! Now, I assumed that this was not an emergency, but didn't know if it was something you're supposed to call the doctor about or wait or what. My main concern (other than DBTs, obviously) was that I'd miss some sign and assume it was "normal pregnancy" or a "normal early labor" thing and then be wrong. Was I sore because I'm always sore or because I fell? Are those early labor or pre-labor cramps or are they the placenta detaching from the uterus? What signs, specifically, should I be looking for as problematic? Anyway, I decided to call the doctor since I got yelled at (ok, not yelled at exactly, but shamed maybe) the last time something happened and I didn't call.

The answering service very helpfully informed me that if it was an emergency she could page the doctor or I could go to the ER and that if it wasn't I could call back tomorrow. See, that's my point. I don't know if this is an immediate thing or not. So, she paged the doc for me and he called back and told me that this is basically not a big deal as the uterus is a very good cushion (which I knew) and I didn't take any real impact on it, and to call back if the baby isn't moving.

I felt like a dumbass, so if you could indulge me one more time and tell me that I did the right thing by calling, that would be great.

Friday, November 16, 2007


It's been a rough week.

I'm going to preface this by saying that I've been feeling hypersensitive and frustrated in general. Little things are feeling very big right now. Everything's dire.

-At doctor's office, I have made no progress from last week. The doctor has stopped saying "could be next week, or you could call me tonight." I told the office ladies that if there was a pool, I'd put my money on me making my next appointment.

-Term assessment/biophysical profile/NST day. I registered ZERO contractions. Baby looks great, just completely uninterested in making any sort of exit. The swimming pool and all the room service she wants seems to be the preferable option. It's as if she moves towards the door, notes the fact that it's certainly too narrow, and heads back north.

I, on the other hand, lad a less pleasant hospital experience. I had a BP spike (ok, three or four readings) and a headache while I was there, so I got to spend hours before finally being released. It took two nurses three sticks to get blood because no one ever believes me when I tell them I have shallow veins. Also, I didn't know that I was having a NST (and I didn't know how long they take) so P and I were unprepared to just sit. For hours. And then wait for lab results after the test part was over. We were both bored, tired, hungry, and uncomfortable. My headache went away with two tylenol and a bottle of water and the BP went down with a position change, so I'm not preeclamptic.

-Someone wrote something on her blog that really bothered me. I don't want to specify, but it hurt my feelings and pissed me off. I've thought about this one line many times now, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to just let it go once I'm feeling more like myself.Obviously it's her blog and she's free to feel how she feels, but...

-I think someone flipped a switch on me on my due date. I was doing just fine with things up until *the day* and then suddenly I had this desperate feeling. It was easy to blow off the questions when I could say that "she's not even due yet!" and that *whoever was asking* ought to back off a bit. I was taking things with more humor and felt more relaxed in general about the baby taking her time. Now I'm getting depressed by the no contractions and no real early labor signs. (Babies come on their own schedule, not everyone feels the same things or has the same, if any, early signs, blah, blah, blah, I'd rather not hear any of this, thanks.)

-Our comforter is oversized, so I have to take it to the dry cleaner to be laundered. It is now wrecked and not usable, as all the stuffing is in a big ball in the middle. Just perfect. The weather is getting cold and we're expecting guests soon, so now I have to go shopping. Not what I wanted to spend money on.

-The mortgage payment that I mailed out the first week of the month never arrived, so now I have to do a stop payment and follow up on this. This would be an excellent time to be a fraud victim. Gah.

-And a million other tiny things that are probably no big deal, but are making me nuts anyway. So that's where I am. Here, at home, baby still on the inside.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

something I'm looking forward to (other than the obvious)

I really, really want to wear my wedding & engagement rings again. I haven't been able to for nearly half of this pregnancy (yep, they came off in the 20s somewhere. I didn't note it at the time because it depressed me. And I had not-at-all-dainty hands before this adventure!)

At first, it really bothered me. Then I sort of accepted it. Still, I get this occasional pang of sadness about it and I really want them back on. I miss holding P's hand and having him adjust my rings for me because the diamond is poking him. I miss just looking at them and remembering. And it bums me out to see them sitting in a dish on my dresser.

My MIL didn't take hers off in time when she was pregnant and had to have then cut off. Now she and FIL don't wear rings. I'm not usually so into symbols, and I know they're just "things" but I don't want that to be me.

So, if you had to take yours off, and you never were able to put them back on (or needed them resized) please, please don't tell me. I'd rather be under the illusion that at some point I'll be able to cram my sausages back into their platinum decorations.

Friday, November 09, 2007

"No baby yet."

One of the grandmas-to-be asks every day if there's a baby yet. So far, this is only minimally annoying. I try to remind myself that she's just excited, but sometimes I just want to scream. We'll call you. I swear. Just because we haven't called you today to chat does not mean that it's because we're at the hospital.

Also, I do not intend to pack a bag for the hospital in advance. This will not change no matter how many times you say that we "won't be ready" in that warning tone. We live literally five minutes from the hospital. I have a plan. I'm not worried, so why should anyone else be?


In other news, sore throat is still present. Persistent coughing, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, is very unhelpful.

Monday, November 05, 2007

some thoughts on winding down

I'm feeling a little depressed today. I'm sure it's due to a combination of things (lack of good sleep, hormones, a sore throat...) but knowing only makes so much difference.

One thing I've been thinking about in the last week is the idea that I'm not done being pregnant.

There are times, of course, when I'd love her to come on out NOW, please. Mostly, though, I'm not sure I'm ready to give her up. I know she's not
really going anywhere, but in some ways she is. Once she's born I'll have to share her. With P, the grandmas, the doctors and nurses, everyone. She'll no longer be just mine. Right now I'm connected to her in a way that can't be replicated by anyone. I feel her move and roll. Right now, at this exact moment, I am her world. I'm the gatekeeper.

Yeah, I know that's selfish-sounding, and that for all my self-importance, if she were born this very minute, I could die and someone else could care for her and she'd survive without me, but I'd be a selfish liar if I didn't admit to feeling this way.)

On the other hand, I do look forward to sharing our daughter with P. It must be hard to be on the outside of things. The other side to me having a baby-monopoly, I suppose.


There is a lot about this last bit of time that I want to remember. Even though it's not been the smoothest pregnancy ever, I have really enjoyed it. I wasn't sure that I would. I've wanted a baby for years now, and the being pregnant thing was a means to an end. Some people love it and others are really just in it for the final product. I didn't know which I'd be.

I'm very self-conscious about my body and it's been nice to not stress about my size or shape and just be. I like feeling special. I like when P asks, "Pregnant wifey?" even though it's not a question at all, but a comment. I like when he feels "the belly" or comments on its size (though sometimes this makes me feel BIG) and I remember that it's actually our baby living inside of me. I think that there's a part of him that really wanted a boy, but when he was allowed to choose the paint for the baby's room he didn't go with the neutral yellow we had once loved, but instead selected a very soft pink. However unpleasant some parts of this experience have been, there are parts that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I have no idea when this will all be over, as I could have a baby tonight or in a week, but in some ways it will be too soon no matter when it happens. I suspect this is how all of parenting goes.

Wow, writing that down really did help. I feel a bit better now. My throat still hurts and I'm tired, but I do feel less agitated. Odd.