I've been really overwhelmed.
I don't think I really realized just how tense I was feeling about last Friday's ultrasound. At 7w1d, there was no real reason to see anything ambiguous. Healthy visible heartbeat, or... well, you can imagine the possibilities. I know I did.
I was edgy all day long.
I wore my "good news panties" (and you may laugh at that if you like.)
But, in the end, we did see a heartbeat. A real one this time, not just a flicker. Of course, my little underachiever was beating at the very minimal acceptable level for age, and still measuring behind by nearly a week, so there's room for worry when I feel the need. I'm trying my very best not to though, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.
When the scan was done and the nurse left me to dress, I stared at the still image on the screen and began to cry a little. P wanted to know what was wrong, and there was no real answer. Fear, worry, hope, the future. It was all too much for me.
I graduated on Friday. I was shaky when wrapping it all up with the RE. He said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks (8wks? seriously? doesn't that seem early? that's this thursday! what if i'm not making enough on my own?) and that I need to stay on the aspirin until 12 weeks. I can go to an OB now. A real, regular, average, run-of-the-mill OB. For fertile people. So strange. I have an appointment for next week to meet him.
I tucked the ultrasound photos discreetly into my purse and went to the checkout counter and the woman asked me if I needed to schedule another ultrasound. I said no and felt like crying. She congratulated me, though I wished she would be quiet about it because there were three other women waiting to check out and statistically, they had not all had good news appointments that day. I felt bad and hoped none were upset.
I've been having a rough time with my emotions lately. I'm so excited. It almost even seems real. But it's scary. I know how to do infertility. I know how to go for bloodwork and ultrasounds and give injections and take pills. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be a mom, but it's been years since I've actually thought about being pregnant. Somehow I wasn't prepared for this.