Wednesday, April 04, 2007

completely overwhelmed.

I've been really overwhelmed.

I don't think I really realized just how tense I was feeling about last Friday's ultrasound. At 7w1d, there was no real reason to see anything ambiguous. Healthy visible heartbeat, or... well, you can imagine the possibilities. I know I did.

I was edgy all day long.

I wore my "good news panties" (and you may laugh at that if you like.)

But, in the end, we did see a heartbeat. A real one this time, not just a flicker. Of course, my little underachiever was beating at the very minimal acceptable level for age, and still measuring behind by nearly a week, so there's room for worry when I feel the need. I'm trying my very best not to though, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

When the scan was done and the nurse left me to dress, I stared at the still image on the screen and began to cry a little. P wanted to know what was wrong, and there was no real answer. Fear, worry, hope, the future. It was all too much for me.

I graduated on Friday. I was shaky when wrapping it all up with the RE. He said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks (8wks? seriously? doesn't that seem early? that's this thursday! what if i'm not making enough on my own?) and that I need to stay on the aspirin until 12 weeks. I can go to an OB now. A real, regular, average, run-of-the-mill OB. For fertile people. So strange. I have an appointment for next week to meet him.

I tucked the ultrasound photos discreetly into my purse and went to the checkout counter and the woman asked me if I needed to schedule another ultrasound. I said no and felt like crying. She congratulated me, though I wished she would be quiet about it because there were three other women waiting to check out and statistically, they had not all had good news appointments that day. I felt bad and hoped none were upset.

I've been having a rough time with my emotions lately. I'm so excited. It almost even seems real. But it's scary. I know how to do infertility. I know how to go for bloodwork and ultrasounds and give injections and take pills. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be a mom, but it's been years since I've actually thought about being pregnant. Somehow I wasn't prepared for this.


Sarah said...

i feel the exact same way. at some point over the last few years i quit allowing myself to imagine pregnancy, and now it's just so terrifying. exciting too, but i just can't seem to absorb it. i guess i don't know what to feel. they said they would graduate me next monday and i wanted to whine "but i don't wanna graduate!!" much as i hated the idea of having to see an RE at first, i'm used to the clinic now. i know the drill. i even know how to handle all the disappointments. i have no idea how to handle this new territory.

Reproductive Jeans said...

I have lucky pataloons too=) I am so so happy for you--I am sorry every emotion has been going through your mind--just hold onto the important hope!

r.a.w. said...

I wish you luck at the regular-people OB. I can only imagine how scary that is...

Cat, Galloping said...

great news... when's the first OB appointment... in other words, when's the next ultrasound?!

Irish Girl said...

Hi there. Been thinking about you. Hoping you were not feeling this exact way. Certainly I understand though, and wish I could do something to make you feel less overwhelmed and emotionally spent.

It's a lot to process. You've been through so much recently and all of a sudden people are expecting you to just Be Happy! and go about being pregnant like the rest of the fertile world does. Take your time. Be kind to yourself. It will all sink in eventually. And it's ok to be scared.

Here for you. As always :)

Anns said...

I think we're all a bit scared and overwhelmed these days. Graduating from IVF to full blown mommyhood can be a daunting task... I think sometimes we get so used to not being pregnant that once it happens we're not sure what to do next.

Be strong and know that there are many of us out here in the same situation, just rooting for each other.

Anns xo