Thursday, January 11, 2007

red sock in my whites

setting: day three cyst check. I'm pants-free and the nurse has assumed the ute-check position.

nurse: did you get a regular period?
me: yes, why?
nurse: (still examining ute) your lining looks unusually thick
me: oh
nurse: you had bloodwork, right?
me: yeah, why? (I know why)
nurse: (mumbling) they do check hcg...

I tear up and pretend not to process what she's suggesting. I've had regular, red, clotty bleeding that was most certainly not implantation or any other such thing. I know I'm not pregnant.

She continues to poke around at my still-sore ovaries and declares my cysts too big (no freakin' duh) and offers me free samples of bcps. I tell her I still have some and she hands me a tissue for the tears that are trying so difficult not to escape. She tells me not to take anything until the evening in case they call me. Goody. A whole day of waiting to find out that I'm not pregnant. Even though I know I'm not, that teeny tiny piece of hope is enough to make me miserable.

***

I'm pretty sure we're done with IUIs. Clearly, they're not working. A case could be made that now that the endo is gone, there's a better shot now and there's no reason not to try a couple more times. Right now I'm thinking that we won't bother though.

For the last few days I've been hypersensitive. I've been doing a lot of crying. Nothing exceptional has happened, I'm just sad. Mourning, I guess.

3 comments:

Cat, Galloping said...

ugh, i'm sorry.

Irish Girl said...

This sucks.

I so clearly remember our last IUI cycle and the pain that came with it. It's so hard. I'm sorry you are feeling this way now. You are not alone.

r.a.w. said...

Sometimes you just have to cry and get it out. There doesn't have to be a reason for it. Sometimes, there's just nothing else to do.