It's all in which label is able to persist...

I've been researching fertility options in NewCity pretty much since I found out we were moving there. It was a huge relief to discontinue treatment where we were, but who really wants to wait? All of us still waiting want success, and we want it now. Or yesterday. Or two weeks ago so we can see a second line. Still, it was good to let go of the ClinicFromHell even if it meant a long pre-move break. Now that we're in transit (wheeee!!!!!!) I'm feeling the need to get going on things again. I don't want a long wait once we arrive, so I need to start setting up appointments now.

So what's the problem? Well, the problem is I'm scared. I had such a bad experience, I'm having trouble making decisions, phone calls, etc. I got my records from the last place and I just want to throw them in the garbage because that's what they are. They're full of crap that shouldn't be in there (rude doctors' commentary calling me difficult and non-compliant, etc.) that I don't want clouding my new doc's opinions/decisions. Not to mention the fact that there are places where they have things in there that are flat-out incorrect.

I asked for an endo consult no fewer than five times and it isn't noted once. It was, however, noted that I declined to participate in a study where you give clomid to patients with cysts to see if it really was a problem. HELLO! I have a history of ruptured cysts and that very cycle I ended up bleeding into my pelvis!

The records are just part of it though. I've never really been comfortable with doctors. I feel like I never say all that I want to and I can never accurately describe whatever the problem is. I detest that whole pain scale thing. I hate the smiley face chart.

I had really bad asthma as a teenager (my small airways only functioned at 53%) and was highly sensitive to cigarette smoke. I was taken to the ER via ambulance once and one of the techs accused me of faking it. Yeah, I'm faking an inability to take full breaths because I like the pretty lights on your van.

So what has infertility done for me? Well, it's sucked all my confidence away for one thing. P and I are both well-educated, intelligent individuals and I think that by not being treated that way for the last couple of years, I've forgotten how to be that person. Is that completely bizarre? I mean, I've never been super self-confident, but it's been years since I was a doormat.

Anyway, I truly believe that things can be different somewhere else, and I know that in the end I'm gonna make the calls.

I've done the research for myself, and I'm getting some outside opinions, and I'm ready... I'm still scared though.

guest blogger.

Sometimes living in a hotel is booooring. BUT, there are ways to liven it up. See, during the night it gets really dark here, not like at home, which is fabulous for hunting. You know where a great place to hunt is? In mommy's water glass (ignore daddy's--- it's no fun if you can't wake up your human.) Bonus points if you can knock it over and get her book and everything else wet. Double bonus if you do it two nights in a row.

There's plenty more to do.
I think I've decided never to sleep at night again. What I really want to do is get inside the drawers (these new drawers are awesome! you can totally open them up with NO thumbs!) and then jump out and listen to them slam shut. Then you can hop up onto the bed and get some attention. Oh, boy, mommy looks a little mad. Did she just call me a heathen and threaten me with going in the dumpster? She's all talk. But to be safe, maybe jump down anyway.


Chasing your big brother in a circle around the room, through the chairs up and down over the bed, on the people as fast as you can go is a great time killer. Watch out though, because if he stops, you will overrun him and you may hit a wall with a nice furry thud. No matter, you just shake it off and keep running. If he won't play, just practice jumping up onto the high armoire (with the desk next to it you have great access!) Knocking things off the desk is acceptable if it's nighttime. Plus, you might set something like, say, and advil bottle that makes an amazing noise as you bap it around the room.



You'll be pretty thirsty by then, so you might want to stop for a drink. If you've already knocked over the water glasses you'll have to settle for your own bowl. This is no big deal though, since it is 3am and you still have plenty of ways to make this irritating to your sleeping human parents. First, push the bowl with your nose or paw across the tile floor. This makes a fabulous scraping sound. You want to leave it in a walkway so that someone with human feet might just kick it or step in/on it and get water everywhere. Water tastes even better when licked from the floor. Trust me, humans like wet feet and a slick surface in the wee morning hours. It makes their feet feel clean and their giant human asses a little sore, but who doesn't appreciate that?

Speaking of asses, anytime you're in a confined space and your litter box has to share air with the humans' living space, you want to make sure you show them how you feel about it. I'm used to quite a bit of privacy myself, and this whole exposed, in-the-bathroom thing is seriously lacking in defined territory. I like to make the smelliest poops possible as many times per day as possible. If you don't have to go, that's ok, but make a good show if it by getting in and out of the box whenever you think of it. Just digging around in there is good fun and you get the added pleasure of tracking the crystals out onto the tile. If your mom likes things clean like mine does, she'll appreciate the opportunity to practice using the broom and dustpan several times each day. If someone objects to your smell and cleans your box, feel free to get right back in and go some more. There's nothing like a clean box at 4am, and there's nothing your person wants to do more than clean up your smelly crap when it invades the room.

My dad has gotten wise to my night games and now locks me out of the bathroom.

I guess there's just too much fun to be had in there. Truth be told, it's also a tad dangerous here because there's no lid on the toilet. I've only had one accident so far, so I think I'm doing pretty well.



Sometimes I think I'm ready to be a good cat like my big brother, but extending my kittenhood is just so much fun I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up yet. Plus, I know I have done mommy a favor by getting her up so early. She got to get a load of laundry done while it was still kind of dark out (daddy needed socks again and I do love to play with a good pair of balled up socks!) I'm pretty sure she mentioned something about death, but I don't think she was talking to me because she was having pretty bad back cramps this morning. I think that made her enjoy me being up with her even more.

She can repay me by giving up her spot on the bed so I can take a nice long morning nap with my dad. I think I've earned it.

"Aunt Twirl" is different

My two year old "niece" asked me the other day,

"any news on your baby?" (Someone in her family is adopting from Guatemala and I guess she's heard adults talk about "baby news" a lot lately.)

"No, sweetie, I don't have a baby," I explain, with broken glass in my throat.

"My mommy has three babies. I'm two years old and my big sister is five years old and my new baby is no years old. That's three babies."

"Yes, I know, your mommy is very lucky to have you."

"My new baby is very little so you have to be careful. I have ice cream pajamas and I'm a princess with my Cinderella. You are coming to visit us soon and you send us presents in the mail. Are you bringing your kitties and your baby?"


I love talking to the girls, but sometimes they break my heart a little.

Dear Sandman,

Since I can't have a baby, it would be great if you'd stop making me dream that I have one. Waking up this morning without my daughter was excruciating.

(also, is there a reason you made Avril Lavigne my realtor? Because she did a pretty damn good job. And I'm not interested in joining the swim team, even with my verybestfriend. )

Thanks,

Twirl

Calling all pet owners!

If you have indoor-only pets, do you vaccinate them? Against everything, or just some things?

If not, do you get grief from vets who push vaccinations?

(This is mostly curiosity because with air travel, decisions on this subject aren't mine to make.)

It's Moving Day!

On the edge of your seat, right?

In case you were wondering about my house-hunt (and let's face it, it's all you can think about, right?) we did pick a house. We began to negotiate on it, but House#14 (suburban paradise) was not meant for us. We had some problems with the jackasses sellers and walked away from the table. I'm glad. I wanted the house, it was our first choice, but it was so difficult to pick in the first place that I don't feel at all bad about moving on.

So now we have an accepted contract on our second choice (House #3) and I can't wait to live there. Should something go wrong, I feel pretty good about our third and fourth choices too, which is a great feeling! It's nice to know you have options and that none of them suck. It's also a plus that my preview trip was not a waste. I did, however, feel like I was in an episode of House Hunters and Suzanne Whang spent a lot of time narrating in my head ("will it be the new build with the great master suite farthest from the office, the house in the suburban neighborhood that needs just a few repairs, or will it be the home at the top of their budget that's just minutes from P's office...")

Our current house may close late, but everything looks good and we're moving out THIS week! After that it's hotel time, move time, drive across country time, a little more time, and then in May we ought to be in NewCity for good.

Yep, I'm telling the internet

I opened a high cupboard in the kitchen this morning and a great big smile came to my face. There, crumpled up on a shelf, was my pink bra and the shirt I was wearing last night.

I think we're finally getting some of the fun back after all the suckiness that is infertilitysex.

Top 3

It's our last real day here in NewCity. We went to the open house and really liked it! House #14 is in a great little subdivision and looks like the perfect picture of suburbia. I actually saw a Girl Scout delivering cookies (P was sold!) The big downside for this house is that all the floors will need to be re-done. They have the different carpet in each room thing going on and I can't stand that. After adding this home to our list, I wanted to review two of my other favorites.

It's really hard to do this alone (well, not totally alone because my mom was there and that was AWESOME, but she's not P.) I wish he could see everything that I'm seeing because now all of his opinions are really just my own filtered back to me. But he asks good questions and I've drained my camera battery each day taking pictures. Still.

The top 3 have been selected and we have a big decision to make now!

***

We had some extra time, so Mom and I went to Target where I made my very first ever impulse buy on shoes. I wear sandals (more flip-flops than anything else) almost every day and shoes always seem expensive and uncomfortable to me. So I saw these boots. Beautiful brown boots. I picked them up and took them to the cash register and bought them without even trying them on. Kiss of death.

P's always telling me to relax a little and be more impulsive. I don't buy anything without thinking it to death first, so I was feeling pretty proud of myself.

Back to the hotel and I hate how they feel on my feet. I don't have time to return them so I have to pack them in my luggage and return them in CA. Stupid freakin' impulse buy.

I saw a lot of NewCity (from the passenger seat of CR's car!)

Today was the day you see all the bad houses. It was a looooong day. We planned to be done around 1 or so and then go to lunch, but we kept finding "one more house" to look at and before we knew it it was 5. I am tired and hungry.

One house I couldn't even stand to look at because it reeked of cigarette smoke so strong that I couldn't breathe. Houses #4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11, and 12 did not make the final cut.

I'm glad the first day went well, otherwise I'd be totally disappointed by now. It was handy having some finalists because they made comparing each new house easier. Is this better than what I saw yesterday? No? Well then, let's move on. I feel upbeat.

After seeing all the rejects and missing lunch we were really ready to be done. Then we got a tip from another agent and found another brand new home so we drove out to see it. House #13 was awesome! New, big, and just what we needed to see after looking at so many nos. Way better than the other new build. Some little upgrades were missing, but the price was right. Definately a consideration.

I'm glad I saw all the ones I didn't like because I feel much better about liking the ones I do.

On the agenda tomorrow: an open house, and a second look at a couple finalists.

On the house hunt...

Ohmygoodness morning came way too early!

Free hotel breakfast was pretty damn decent, but we inhaled it so I'm not sure how it tasted.

Found CompetentRealtor's (CR) office. Located P's soon-to-be office. Got a PO box. Three tasks down!

This was a day all about house-hunting. I had a bunch of listings before arriving and a list of other possibilities. CR had even more for me to look at! She knows this is going to be a short trip and I want to see as much as possible.

We came away from the day totally satisfied and with three possibilities!

House #1 is on a cul-de-sac and has a cool loft and great deck. Downside is that the master is not attatched to the master bath and is right next to the kitchen.

House #2 is a new build, but there aren't any restrictions so the neighbors can put four cars on their front lawn if they want to. And they did. New and pretty though.

House #3 is in the very area we wanted. It's beautiful inside and out but it doesn't have central air and is at the top of our budget.

I sent pics to P, and House #3 is his current fave. We'll see. I have at least 8 more houses to see tomorrow!


Oh, and yeah, it's cold. But believe it or not, I wore my jacket and I survived. I did slip on some ice though and fell on my ass. Oh well. Bound to happen.

BPT (Day 2)

When Day 2 began, I wasn’t entirely sure that Day 1 had actually ended. The flight was pretty damn early. Of course, I’m pretty sure anything before 5am is “still night.” Anyway, I got a tiny nap and began my next day of flying, now with my mom.

We:

• Were a tiny bit late boarding one flight because we were looking for something to eat (damn all the bastards who only serve breakfast. Especially when there’s no sign.) so we were paged. A first for me.
• Waited in line with Raj from the App*rentice. He did not hit on either of us. My mom helped him with his coffee cup while we (and all the passengers waiting to board) got a lecture about how people with too much luggage are what make all these flights late and how if anyone had a wheeled bag, too bad for you, it’s not going carry-on. Mom and I having small bags got to go to the front of the line, but the lecture thing was a little lame. (Raj had to stay behind with his big suitcase.)
• Tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the plane.
• Did not eat anything decent after all.

But we got there! (Grandpa, we drove in snow and didn't die!) So far the people in NewCity are very nice. We got a non-smoking room even though there were "none available" and are dead tired. Can't make internet work. Will need help or a wireless network at starbucks. Am computer loser.

The Big Preview Trip (or, All the Pressure’s on ME)

Day 1:

I’m sitting on an airplane right now in a cramped and tiny seat (of course.) The old lady in front of me has her seat so far back that it makes my laptop screen tilt down. But she’s sitting upright. Anyway, that’s not the point. I’m headed to NewCity to check things out. See, as things stand right now, we’re for sure moving there but we have no place to live. I thought we’d just rent a place and then look for a house once we got there, but P thought it would be a good idea for me to take a preview trip. So I booked it. Part of the plan was for me to meet with a realtor and get an idea of what’s available. Good idea. Here comes the big but. BUT, now P thinks I can find a place on my trip. Uh, no pressure. We’re going to be homeless, dear, unless you find us a house this weekend. It better be a good one too. What if I pick the wrong one? I see so many ways this can be all my fault.

*

If you know where I’m going, please don’t tell me to bring my warm clothes. I’m aware that it will be cold. I’m aware that it will be a big change. I will survive.

I will, however, be asking dumb questions later on. I know there’s a lot that I don’t know about living in the cold and snow. (example: when I was going through P’s things after the wedding and I was moving in I found this plastic stick thing with a brush on it. Apparently it’s an ice scraper. Who knew? I like my ice blended and in a margarita. Or cubed in a margarita.)

So, I’m sure there are things I’ll need to know. But the fact that it will be cold and I should bring my jacket and gloves is not one of them.

More to come…

Busy, Part 2

An adoption situation came up about a month ago that made us re-think precisely how we want to pursue becoming parents. Unfortunately, after completely re-evaluating our situation and deciding to take a chance on something we wouldn’t have considered before, the situation became unavailable. I am a little surprised at how disappointed I was. I knew it was a long shot, but once someone tells you that you may be a parent, it would seem that logic and good reasoning take a backseat to your heart. Or at least that’s how it felt.

So we talked. And talked. And P came to the conclusion that he’d had enough talk. With the move coming up we aren’t really in a position to act on any plan we settle on, so he’d just as soon not discuss it at all. I think he’s tired of feeling helpless. So we’ve been largely baby-discussion-free the whole month of February. No fertility stuff, no adoption questions, nothing. Damn, that was hard. But I think I understand where he’s coming from, and I’m glad I could grant him that break.

Then my verybestfriend had her third child. Second since P and I have been trying.

I just couldn’t write about it all then.

Some way or another, we better be in a different place soon.

Busy, Part 1

Moving is a huge pain in the ass, that’s a given.

1. You should know that there are several people who have been cursed. If you set up an appointment to see my house and didn’t show up there’s a good chance you’re on the list. If you did this to me two days in a row, you can be sure of it.

2. MORON. You who asked me if I was taking the cats with me. Yes, you. You’re a flippin’ moron. Yeah, the cats come with the house. They catch lizards, so that makes them practically appliances. You didn’t drive here, did you?

3. My dear boys, I am so sorry that I have allowed the endless parade of strangers into your home. You’ve been scared, I know, and I’m especially sorry that you were discovered in your behind-the-shower-curtain hiding spot. That must’ve been frightening. Don’t worry, I took care of that bitch for you. Unfortunately, the move is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Really, really sorry.

***

We’re under contract now and some poor schlep is going to buy our house with our asshole neighbors and the dogs and the kid that never stops screaming. Hope they like it.

I am delighted that all our hard work paid off though, as one of the things they said they liked about our house in particular is that it is so clean and well taken care of! I may be obsessive, but it got us a damn good offer.

Hope their financing comes through…

Dear Mrs. Pamprin,

I suggest you give your husband a great big hug (or whatever reward you deem appropriate) today for the following reasons:

1. He was grocery shopping for you, with list in hand, and appeared to be strictly adhering to the guidelines set forth within the list.

2. One item was Pamprin. He was actively searching for this item. He did not come home and tell you that "they were out" so that he could avoid buying it. (Though I can see why it may have been in his best interest to come home with said item.)

3. He stopped me, a random female stranger, in the store, and asked me if I knew where he could find Pamprin.

4. He followed my suggestions (I've never bought it, I didn't know if the store even carried it, I just suggested he look one aisle over near the tampons. He didn't cringe when I said tampons.) and located your item.

5. When he saw me in a different aisle, he actually thanked me for the directions and held up the box, (yes, for all the store to see) and told me it was right where I suggested he look.


I thought that was really cool.

I bought tulips

and they died. Pitifully wilted tulips sitting in a pot on my counter.

***

The house:

The carpet has been cleaned, the windows washed, and the videographer came and shot for the virtual tour. Today is cleaning day and tomorrow's open house.

The cats are freaked out, I'm tired, and the "to do" list just keeps growing!

***

Got a strange feeling a few days ago. I haven't had it in a while and it really threw me. It was hope. I actually got it into my head that P and I could have sex and make a baby. Ha! Talk about delusional. But it was enough to carry me through a couple days. I bought a box of freakin' OPKs (which don't work for me) and a onesie on clearance at baby gap. Bizarre twirly behavior. Of course it's over now and I just think I'm crazy.

***

My mom said something really hurtful to me yesterday. I really couldn't believe it. I wanted to talk to my grandma about it, but I was afraid she'd take my mom's side and that would make me feel worse. I have no reason to doubt my grandma's supportiveness, but that's how much what mom said hurt my feelings. I just needed someone unconditionally on my side.

I knew that talking to P about it would not be a great fix, but he pestered me to tell him what was bothering me and I told him the story. He missed the point entirely, which was just as bad as anything else.

What do I do to retaliate? Go downstairs and NOT make dinner. But I can't just not make dinner (not sure why) so I decide to make dinner, but it's late. Take that!

***

I got a call from a friend I haven't talked to in months. It was great to hear from her again and I urge you, if you are my friend and I haven't talked to you in months, you could really make my day by surprising me with a phone call!


days until move:82

Trivia

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Twirl!

1. If you lace twirl from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
2. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about twirl.
3. In Eastern Africa you can buy beer brewed from twirl.
4. California is the biggest exporter of twirl in the world.
5. Twirl was the first Tsar of Russia.
6. Only twelve people have ever set foot on twirl.
7. Twirl is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature.
8. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching twirl.
9. Twirl was invented in China in the eleventh century, but was only used for fireworks, never for weapons.
10. Research indicates that twirl will be attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Wake-up call

Imagine you're sleeping peacefully.

Imagine your husband bending down in the darkness to kiss you goodbye before leaving for work.

Imagine his fist landing in your eye socket because he thought you were turned the other way.

Imagine screaming, "You punched me!" and kitties scrambling for safety.

Imagine your husband looking really, really contrite and offering you frozen vegetables to put on your face hours before you intended to wake up.


Yeah, someone better be bringing me flowers when he comes home from work today.

picture-ready

After 24 hours of torturous physical labor furniture moving, touch-up painting, and de-cluttering (not to mention window washing, lawn-mowing, and treadmill dismantling/relocation/putting that bitch back together again) our house was picture-ready for our realtor yesterday.

She said I did a good job!

Lucky for me, I keep things pretty clean so I didn't have to do that too because if I think I would have had a meltdown.

Next up: yard sale
Days until house hits the market: 3
Days until move: 91