Friday, April 14, 2006

It's all in which label is able to persist...

I've been researching fertility options in NewCity pretty much since I found out we were moving there. It was a huge relief to discontinue treatment where we were, but who really wants to wait? All of us still waiting want success, and we want it now. Or yesterday. Or two weeks ago so we can see a second line. Still, it was good to let go of the ClinicFromHell even if it meant a long pre-move break. Now that we're in transit (wheeee!!!!!!) I'm feeling the need to get going on things again. I don't want a long wait once we arrive, so I need to start setting up appointments now.

So what's the problem? Well, the problem is I'm scared. I had such a bad experience, I'm having trouble making decisions, phone calls, etc. I got my records from the last place and I just want to throw them in the garbage because that's what they are. They're full of crap that shouldn't be in there (rude doctors' commentary calling me difficult and non-compliant, etc.) that I don't want clouding my new doc's opinions/decisions. Not to mention the fact that there are places where they have things in there that are flat-out incorrect.

I asked for an endo consult no fewer than five times and it isn't noted once. It was, however, noted that I declined to participate in a study where you give clomid to patients with cysts to see if it really was a problem. HELLO! I have a history of ruptured cysts and that very cycle I ended up bleeding into my pelvis!

The records are just part of it though. I've never really been comfortable with doctors. I feel like I never say all that I want to and I can never accurately describe whatever the problem is. I detest that whole pain scale thing. I hate the smiley face chart.

I had really bad asthma as a teenager (my small airways only functioned at 53%) and was highly sensitive to cigarette smoke. I was taken to the ER via ambulance once and one of the techs accused me of faking it. Yeah, I'm faking an inability to take full breaths because I like the pretty lights on your van.

So what has infertility done for me? Well, it's sucked all my confidence away for one thing. P and I are both well-educated, intelligent individuals and I think that by not being treated that way for the last couple of years, I've forgotten how to be that person. Is that completely bizarre? I mean, I've never been super self-confident, but it's been years since I was a doormat.

Anyway, I truly believe that things can be different somewhere else, and I know that in the end I'm gonna make the calls.

I've done the research for myself, and I'm getting some outside opinions, and I'm ready... I'm still scared though.


Cat, Galloping said...

don't pass those files along to your new clinic. they sound useless. i'm sorry you've lost your confidence-- i hope this is an opportunity to start fresh.

twirl said...

My mom said the same thing about the records. It's good to have others thinking clearly on my behalf when I'm too emotionally wrapped up in things.

A fresh start makes the most sense for me.