Thursday, October 13, 2005

Too much time to think

I think the woman I met over the weekend who I thought was "like me" may not be after all. P and I were discussing it and there are some clues that she may be pregnant.

Before we had this realization, P was asking if I'd like to hang out with them more. I was hesitant, and for no particular reason I wanted to say no. I played ambivalent and never really gave an answer, and I think the reason is that I didn't want to be let down. I didn't want to make another new friend who would move away and stop calling. I didn't want to try to fit into a world where I didn't belong. When my friends have gotten pregnant, it's been different. I knew them before, so we had something in common already. We already had a bond and didn't need to form one over my scar tissue of heartache.

When did this happen to me? When did I become afraid to make friends?

Oh yeah. I remember. It's when my body turned against me and began messing with my mind.

I don't avoid pregnant people. I don't avoid babies or children. This girl went from a (supposed) infertile to a (possibly) pregnant person and more than anything, I feel numb about it. It's just another disappointment.

(Yes, I recognize that this has all happened in my head and she may very well just be your average person with no fertility issues who may or may not be pregnant and I could very well be letting my imagination run wild. At least P's imagination has joined mine!)

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