I feel like I should tell you something, I'm just not sure what

I did go and see my family finally. That was great (the visit, not the travel, which was my very worst travel experience ever.) It was wonderful to be there, but it was hard to be there too. When I'm home, in my house, with P and my animals, I'm able to put the homesickness away for the most part, but when it's all right there... longing. I drove to the city P and I met in and past our first apartment. I went to the used bookstore that I've loved for years. I drove along the walking route P and I used to take every night and smelled the ocean (I'd walk it, but too much exercise for the still-restricted me.) I sat at my grandparents' dinner table like we used to do each Sunday and as happy as I was to be home, it also made me sad.

My mom took a day off of work and we were able to go look at baby stuff together. We had done some simultaneous internet surfing, but that's not the same as being there. It was fun to see her look at stuff. We didn't buy anything though. My grandma is desperate to know the gender so she can begin knitting a blanket and a hat.

I feel like a jumbled-up mess, but also really happy.

19 week update

The appointment went fine. I discussed the hospital u/s with the nurse and the doctor. There's not much they can do about it at this point (and really, there's nothing that I want done) but it did net me an extra-long u/s at the office.

The baby looks fine, likes to move, and is stretched out length-wise (transverse) making it difficult to zoom in and get the between-the-legs shot.

Doctor: I don't think I see anything between the legs... (keeps looking) ...well, maybe, ... (keeps looking) sorry, I'm just not going to be able to tell you today (keeps looking)

Twirl: That's ok. We'll find out eventually, I suppose.

Doctor: I'll give you some warning. I'll look again.

I believe the doctor has now taken this as a personal challenge (maybe it's a man thing. or a doctor thing, but he seemed pretty determined!) I was glad that he made a genuine effort for me, which is all I would have wanted from the tech.

P and I are considering naming the baby "Neutral." ha.

This makes three ultrasounds now where we could have potentially seen gender but haven't. P's mother has been poised next to the phone with her car keys and credit card in hand for months now waiting to shop. It's not all about shopping, of course, I'd also love to stop calling it "IT."

In related news, my placenta has not moved (even though the ute is growing appropriately) and I am still on restrictions/pelvic rest to include housecleaning, exercise, and sex.

one

I hear it's normal, but still...

A few days before each appointment I begin to feel anxious about the status of the baby.

After each appointment I feel relieved and confident not only that everything IS fine, but that it will continue to be so.

I really wish I didn't feel the first one.

***

I've felt plenty of pains that I've chalked up to ligament pains/uterine growth, etc. I felt my first severe, sharp, OMG, ligament pain from a sneeze yesterday. I yelled out loud and scared a kitty.

Thank you

Really and truly. It means a lot to me that you all don't think I'm whiny or ungrateful by being disappointed with this experience. It can be hard sometimes to accurately share the whole picture and I'm glad to have so many people who "get it" in my life, even if you do all live in my shiny laptop.

I wish I could tell you about...

... my placenta, but I can't because the tech wouldn't measure the placement of it. She just said, "it's fine, it'll move." How very helpful. Yes, I know most DO move, but my doctor wanted a better measurement. And I'd love to be off pelvic rest, but that won't happen until the doctor is satisfied that the placenta has grown far enough away from my cervix.

... my fibroid. Remember my fibroid? It was so tiny that no one ever worried about it. In fact, during my lap, the RE didn't think it was even worth messing with because it was so small. Of course now it is big, obvious, and growing. The tech's response, "2cm isn't that big." Ok, I know how big 2cm is. I'm not a moron. I also know that the fibroid was formerly measured in mm because it was so small. Yesterday it was the first thing visible on the screen. I'm thinking this is not a big deal, but the attitude was not appreciated.

... the gender of my baby, but I can't because the tech refused to look. She said "the baby is too small" (I think we all know that's not true) and then she said "the legs and feet were in the way." But she said all this as she was shutting the scan down. She didn't even try. She had no intention of ever looking.

... how exciting it was to have my "big" ultrasound. Because it was exciting. Or at least the parts where I could see the baby were exciting. Beautiful brain, heart, bones, kidneys, stomach, cord. So happy about that. But it was sort of overshadowed by the negative undertones I was getting from the tech. She was ticked that I came with a retrieval date and a due date, but that I wouldn't tell her my LMP because I did IVF. She was ticked because I was there at 17 weeks. She was snippy to P when he made a comment about the baby's heartbeat being high (it was 160 again. We know this isn't high for a fetus, but compared to OURS it is. And if 150 is mid-range, 160 is higher than that, so pfft.) She wouldn't look for gender and she was trying to get us out of there as quickly as possible (which she did, it was less than 30 minutes.) She was snippy with me when I noticed that the baby was sucking ITs thumb and blah, blah, blah...

Obviously she has lost the thrill for her job. You'd think she could muster up a tiny bit of excitement for people who were excited to see their baby. I think she ought to go do kidney ultrasounds or something where she doesn't have to talk to people so much.

I almost didn't post this because it seems ungrateful and whiny (again!) and I know there are many of you who would happily have an ultrasound with Attila the Hun if it meant a healthy, normal baby. So I'm really sorry. It's hard to deal with infertility guilt on top of pregnancy hormones. I wish the appointment wasn't a letdown, but I guess my expectations were too high.

The baby looks great, measuring healthy and normal. That's the part I'm trying to focus on.

my brain, it is not working so good

Evidence that I'm losing my mind:

• I posted that last post to my old blog by mistake. Couldn't figure out why when I pulled my blog up, the post wasn't visible.

• I left my shopping cart behind at Target. I had things in it that I had shopped for, my purse, water, etc. and I was looking in the clothing section. I walked away from my cart, began to push an empty cart and went to another section. I only realized when I was thirsty and looked down and saw that I had an empty cart. Luckily, I found mine with all my belongings still there.

• I was driving home from the post office and it was a little blurry looking out of my right eye. I thought it was a hair or something. I rubbed my eye and realized the problem. One lens from my prescription sunglasses had popped out and I drove away without noticing. I went back to the post office and found the missing lens on the floor.

There are more examples, but obviously I can't be relied upon to remember or record them. =)

state of the ute: 16 weeks

miscellaneous pains on one side only + pain when urinating without a UTI = bonus pants-free u/s with complimentary probe action. Result? Pain is, as I predicted, most likely absolutely normal ligament/growth pain. I think one of the things that has surprised me most about being pregnant is how many little (and big) aches and pains there are. I don't know why that comes as a surprise, but there you have it.

Also, I have marginal placenta previa. This is the part where it sucks a little.

Marginal previa is really not a big deal. It means that the placenta is growing within 2cm of the cervix. In my case it's a lot closer than that (less than 1cm) so my doc has put me on pelvic rest. Ugh. Just when sex was getting interesting again. At least I vacuumed the entire house before my appointment because I'm not allowed now. Some women who have this aren't told to restrict anything. I could just do what I want, but honestly, I like that my doctor is a little on the cautious side with these things. He seemed totally unworried, though, so that's a good thing.

The problem with placenta previa (where the placenta completely covers the cervix) (if you care and don't know) is that you are at great risk for bleeding/hemorrhage prior to and/or during delivery and the only way to deliver safely is by c-section.

With marginal previa, the majority of cases resolve themselves during/by the third trimester. As the uterus grows, the placenta is typically pulled up and away from the cervix, usually far enough to have a safe vaginal delivery. In my case, we have several centimeters to go before that could happen. 2cm is sometimes enough, though 5cm away is much better. I am of the "better safe than sorry" camp as far as this pregnancy goes, and honestly, I just don't think that a c-section is the worst thing ever (I can think of many worse things. Bet you can too.) It's still super-early for that talk though, as we have weeks and weeks to go. Just explaining, really.

(skip this part if you don't want to hear me complain about trivial things)

On measurement. I love, love, love that my doctor has an ultrasound machine and that he's very liberal with the use of it. I almost always feel confident about this pregnancy and this baby. It seems like when I get really close to an appointment I lose some of that confidence. So it's always reassuring to see the creature moving about and hear the heartbeat (still a solid 160.) However, the (yes, totally silly) peeve that I have is that the pictures suck. I've seen lots of pictures from this stage and earlier and they're so great. Clear, obvious, human babies. Ok sometimes they're alien-like, but still. Clear. I don't know if it's the machine (P thinks it's like the very first u/s ever) or if it's that the doc is a sucky photographer, but the shots are terrible. This is a stupid thing to complain about, I know.

I think one of the reasons that it bothers me is that I'm away from home. I'm very close to my family and I've not been able to share this with them. I hate that I can hear the sadness in my mom's voice when she asks me if I'm showing and I tell her yes. I hate describing "newfangled" maternity clothes to my grandma and having to explain technological advances over the phone. I just miss them. They love getting pictures and it's very disappointing to have to say, "sorry, you can maybe make out a head on this one. Let me know if you need me to tell you where it is." And having my mom reply asking for helpful arrows and descriptions because she can't see anything. Not the worst thing in the world, obviously, but kind of demoralizing for me.

(/complaint)

Next week I have my "big" hospital ultrasound. They're going to check the placenta more closely, and give my doctor a more thorough evaluation on that matter in addition to all the regular stuff they're looking for. You might be thinking that 17 weeks is too early, but I've been down that road with my doctor and he wants to do it now. What's the worst that could happen? I have to go back? No big deal. And he wants more details on the placenta and I'm ok with that.

I did it all for you.

Recently, the baby has decided it wants a steak. I don't want a steak, so I assume it must be the parasite ordering room service. Little bugger really does take after P.

In a bizarre turn of events, I went to the store, approached the guy with the big knife and all the meat, and bought a couple of tenderloins (no hamburger would do!) My delighted husband prepared them and we all ate. For the first time in years, it wasn't awful.

glory be to the elastic waistband

WHO is in charge of keeping the secret of how great maternity clothes feel? I finally decided to end the "I'm a (chubby) slob" look and buy shirts that fit. And they DO! I also got a pair of shorts (though I typically loathe wearing shorts, I also have a low tolerance for heat and being pg over summer... anyway, they were on clearance for $11.)

P wanted to see what I got, and since I got such a lovely reception when I showed him my new bras, I felt confident in putting on a show.

I don't think I usually fit well in clothes. I always feel like they don't fall quite right and then I feel lumpy or uncomfortable or awkward. So far, maternity clothes have been awesome! My shirts have room for expansion without looking too sloppy (or too tight.) P, ever the fashion critic, seemed pleased that I'd actually bought something for myself and I could tell that he liked how I looked. I didn't realize how much my confidence could improve with a new shirt and a compliment. I'm sure this is also to do with the deeper psychological effect of having success after years of failure, but for that moment I just felt like a regular girl getting a compliment from her guy and it was great.

I'm still in desperate need of new pants though. It's a task I typically dread, pants shopping, but somehow the success of my new shirts has given me courage. (Now I just have to find the Old Navy with the maternity section and I'll be set!) That, and the super-comfy waistband of the shorts I bought has shown me the error of the rubberband on the too-tight pants trick. Get this- you can sit down without undoing your pants, the rubberband never falls off onto the bathroom floor, and when you're feeling bloated, your stomach is not in a bind! It's a win all around, really.

I know I have a few due date buddies, and all I can say is: Go for the new pants, you'll need them eventually, and you'll feel so much better!

i'm not just me anymore

I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest feeling. I was on my back and I could feel my stomach. Not with my hands. I had the distinct sensation that there was a part of my stomach that was not mine. I could feel it, but it felt separate. Very odd (and difficult to describe.)

On the subject of sleep. I suck at it now. I wake up all the time, I'm sore, and this sounds really whiny, I know, but I can't seem to help it. My bones feel like they don't go together properly. My hips are sore and so is my back. So far, the addition of extra pillows has done nothing but get in the way. I've been feeling much better overall, and the extreme tiredness is relenting. Or was, until yesterday, when I woke up feeling so tired that I thought I was going to fall down and die. I'm pretty sure this is how life prepares you for having a baby. I got my mom's confirmation on that. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a complaint post, so we'll just leave that there.

In general, in spite of any little aches or discomforts, I'm finding myself more and more... happy (and terrified, of course, but I'm pretty sure it's the happy that's important!)

confident and paranoid

I've been feeling better. I've been going outside! Of my house! Also, after doing no exercise at all since starting stims in February, I'm finally back on the treadmill. I've only been walking (slowly, and only for 30 minutes at a time) and thinking about increasing because all seemed to be going so well.

Last night I had some lower back pain (exactly like how it felt just before a period) and it freaked me out. Up until now I've had an assortment of aches and pains, but none that have struck me as possibly abnormal. I thought I was all confident and secure and all that, but last night my paranoia and worry came back all over again. After sleeping, I feel somewhat better (much less woried.)

Today I'm resting.

Girl's Best Day Ever

Ok, so when you're a golden retriever puppy, EVERY day is the Best Day Ever, but there's something about rolling around in the mud (three houses down!), getting chased with a hose (and then tied to the deck for a better cleaning) and then having a bonus bath. With treats!

Second Trimester!

WOO-HOO!

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, I have a teeny-tiny vent about some people I know who may or may not be related to the baby and may mean well, but are driving me up the ever-loving wall where I can't even drink. Mixed-freaking metaphors.

For the love of (insert any freaking thing here) please, please, PLEASE stop asking when we'll know if it's a boy or a girl. We've told you. Several times. MANY times. That we MIGHT be able to find out in JUNE. We PROMISE to tell you when we know. I FREAKING SWEAR that it's NOT A SECRET so STOP ASKING. I'm dying to know too, you know, but I'm also getting to be a bit cranky about this (really? you couldn't tell?) and I've half a mind (literally) to not tell you at all.

Also, you just made me use a ton of caps, which I loathe.

***
Some picture posts to come soon (probably.)

10 Things I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

1. Trying to determine whether my doctor meant 12 or 13 when he said to stop injecting PIO at "12 or 13 weeks." And does that mean the end or the beginning of weeks 12 or 13?

I had my very last injection of the stuff last Thursday at 12 weeks exactly. I have had no side effects coming off of it. No cramping, no bleeding. There are still some sore spots, but they're going away. And my ass doesn't itch any longer! YAY! I meant to blog about this.

2. Preparing house for houseguests who have never been to my house before, ever, but who are coming now and staying overnight for three nights. SO much harder when you're too tired to clean the entire house from top to bottom in one giant cleaning day like I usually would. I keep pretty clean to start, so it's not like it's hard or anything, but I find that I can still only do so much in one day. Pain in the ass, that. Plus, there's the added bonus of nagging P to keep things clean when he's not quite as neat as I am.

3. Taking my sick Big Kitty to the vet because he vomited twice in 24 hours and had diarrhea in several spots on the floor in the room where the litter box is. Very odd. I took him to the vet, where the vet said that if I hadn't told him that the cat had these symptoms, he'd look at the cat and think he was fine. I left with tuna-flavored antibiotics, (which smelled SO awful, and my cat did NOT think they tasted like tuna) bland wet food that the cat refused to eat, and a syringe that I was supposed to fill with Imodium and give to the cat. He was better in 24 hours and we have no idea what caused the Big D in the first place. Not that I care.

4. Bathing my Woolly Mammoth of a puppy against his will. Boy is getting BIG. I have no pictures of this event, as I was busy keeping him from escaping the tub, but let me tell you it was a challenge. I had to tie him to the tub. The only way to get him to turn his head for the briefest of moments is to offer him a treat. Then he continues to plot his escape.

5. Going to Canada with my houseguests. We went to the CN tower, which is the tallest freestanding structure in the world. They say that they built it as a radio tower or something, but I'm pretty sure it was so they could get $21 a person to go up it. There's a glass floor at one part where you can look straight down. It was built to hold the weight of 14 large hippos, so I thought it sounded pretty safe for me to stand on.

6. Having my first real craving. In general, I don't eat meat. On occasion, I have had chicken, but I'd very happily live without it. Especially since the Chinese food night. No more chicken for me until further notice (my grandma is now worried. "Are you sure it's really safe to eat a vegetarian diet while you're pregnant?")

I wanted a steak. BAD. P had been talking to someone about a particular fillet at Ruth's Chris, and I've been wanting it since Easter. My mom said it must be a real craving if I was wanting beef. So I had it. And the baby was happy.

7. Thinking about blogging. Like I said, I was going to blog about the end of PIO, putting my needles away, photographing them, etc. but I didn't get to it that day. Then I was busy. I realized that my next appointment was Monday and I kind of felt like waiting, because as much as I'm really in a good place about the chances of getting to live baby, I just had this feeling that I should wait to say more until after the next appointment. I felt like I needed to see the heartbeat once more. I've been thinking a lot about making it to the second trimester (Thursday) and how I'll feel then.

8. Getting another look at our wiggly grey offspring (I must admit, I am hoping he comes out in color.) The very first thing I intended to look for when my fetus came into view was the heartbeat. I was, however, distracted by the way he was frantically kicking his legs. The little sticks were the very first things I noticed. He refused to sit still for a picture and the one I have is so blurry I had to ask the doctor where the baby went. He did this the last time too, except then it was flips or spins or something. On the screen he was very clear though. I was relieved to see that he appears to be a human, and the doctor wondered if I was expecting something else. I wasn't, but it's still nice to be sure.

He's going to have to cut down on some of that activity at some point, because there's not going to be room in there forever for his marathons (P thinks he's a runner) or his tumbling or soccer or karate practice or whatever he's doing in there for too long. My ribs aren't looking forward to the future.

We also heard the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time. 160. Very cool.

You may have noticed that I've used the masculine pronoun. Means nothing except I didn't feel like saying "it" today. I use them both at home, but just picked one for today for continuity.

9. Whining about how I have nothing to wear because it's getting warmer and the only things that fit are winter clothes. I bought some new bras and my breasts thank me for it, but they weren't the only problem. Apparently when your breasts enlarge your shirt rides up more. And that's not even accounting for the poochy stomach. All short sleeve shirts are inappropriate without wearing something underneath. I wear a long tank under everything. Every day. Like many pregnant people, I'd like to look more pregnant and less fat. I'm sure I'll get my wish soon enough. I do need to go shopping though.

10. Taking a nap. I intended to write this post all day (ok, to be honest, I meant to post yesterday) but it seemed like quite a task and I had to take a nap first. It was lovely. I woke up all on my own. I am very cranky when woken up against my will already, and I haven't been sleeping that well lately, so the nap was a good thing.

my dirty little secret

I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester is winding down and so are the progesterone shots. They're finally starting to bother me, btw, and I've got the large lump, bruises, and itchy spots to prove it. All for a good cause.

***

I get it about the digestion slowing down. I can no longer eat a real dinner because I go from zero to full in no time. This makes it hard to really get balanced meals because I simply can't eat enough. So I'm not worrying about it. I also am falling short on my water consumption. I'm just too full. If I eat, there's no room left for water and if I drink all my water, I'm too full for food. So everything is getting shortchanged. Sometimes this bothers me, but mostly I know I'm doing the best I can. I have plenty of fat stores to go around.

***

My pants are tight. It won't be too long before they're unwearable. Most of my tops feel snug and do not lay properly. I'm wearing two shirts most days (that I'm not in sweats.) My bras are embarrassingly small. I desperately need to buy some with a larger cup size. But that would require the motivation to go shopping and I simply do not have it. I can usually manage one errand or household task per day and then I must loaf on the couch. The cats love this routine, but I hate feeling like I'm never getting anything done.

***

And so here's the secret:

In spite of infertility, I really believe I'm going to have a baby in November.

A craving, in three acts

Act One:

Twirl: You know what's not the same as chinese food?
BFF: What?
Twirl: Top Ramen, oriental flavor.
BFF: Uh, did you really think it was?

Act Two:

Twirl: I'm only having dinner if we can have it RIGHT NOW.
P: Otherwise...?
Twirl: Otherwise it will be too late and I'm NOT EATING.
P: Ok, let's go then.
Twirl: I don't want to go anywhere. Chinese?
P: You want me to go get chinese?
Twirl: You're volunteering? That's great! Let's have chinese!

Act Three:

P: Are you ok?
Twirl: (hugging toilet) Yeah.
P: Uh, are you sure?
Twirl: I don't want chinese anymore. Ever.

10 weeks (in sort-of haiku)

Reflux, nausea
Can't eat much of anything
Tums are my new friend.

***

Exhausted all day
Only want to take a nap
Gimme my pillow

***

I can't believe it
One quarter pregnancy done
We have a fetus!

Wasn't it yesterday when he was small?

I can't believe you're eight. When I got you, you were only a month old. Your kitty-momma had stopped feeding you and so you needed a home. I pulled you from a drain pipe where you were hiding on a friend's balcony and took you home with me. You fit in the palm of my hand. You slept in a tiny wicker basket with a washcloth and I put you in a closet because I was afraid you'd get lost behind the refrigerator or something.



Those were the days, weren't they? Nice naps on a crappy couch in our first apartment together... I still wore "gold" jewelry, had green fingers from finger-painting, and amazingly thin thighs. Sorry, this was about you.



You let me dress you up and you were a lovely subject. You'd object to this treatment now, but at the time you didn't mind. (I swear.)



Now you're my big kitty. You're in charge of the kitten and the puppies. It's quite a house to run, especially when you consider all the duties you have. Between performing your perimeter checks each night, to watching me shower each and every day, you really have your paws full. I'm glad you still have the time to rest in the sunlight. You deserve it.



So, my big kitty, you are eight years old today. I know it's rough to share your special day with your daddy, but I'm hoping you know how special we both think you are. (I'm thinking you'll understand more fully when you're presented with some of tonight's chicken.)



Plus, you're damn good at holding things down. (That kitchenaid 5qt. mixer I got for daddy was bound to blow away in the wind!)

Happy Birthday.

From her mouth...

We never told P's parents about our IF. When we were towards the end of this cycle, P emailed his dad that we were doing IVF but not to spread it around in case it didn't work. His dad emailed back, "What's IVF?" P told him, but we never heard another word about it. We honestly didn't know if he understood or if he even told P's mom. They're not the most worldly people, so we kinda thought they just pushed it aside because they didn't know what it meant.

Anyway, when P told his mom on the phone that I was pregnant, she gave him one of my favorite lines ever.

"Make sure you see a doctor."

I laughed when I heard it through the phone (although I did have the grace to try and muffle my laughter with a pillow.) I've laughed out loud each and every time I've thought about this. I meant to tell my RE too, as I'm sure he'd be amused, but I forgot in the heartbeat and PIO and graduation terror and all. Still damn funny though.