Where am I?

P and I are off celebrating our anniversary. Hoping for a drunk-on-champagne-anniversary baby (ok, so not exactly hoping, but you know, it could happen. In theory. And urban legends.)

ask away

Glad I can be of help on the lap stuff.

I wish more doctors listened to their patients when they asked questions about symptoms or procedures. It makes me a little sick to think that I could have had this taken care of THREE YEARS AGO if someone would have just listened to me. I could have avoided much pain, wondering, and wasted time if only...

But it's donenow , and as the recovery period passes I find myself even more glad to have done it. I've found more info on exactly how endo on your ovaries is a problem and hopefully having it removed will be all it takes for us.

It's not in my head, I'm not exaggerating, and I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!

or, how I decided to have a lap.

I knew I had endo. I would have bet on it, and I'm really, really not a gambler.

some of my symptoms were:

• Pain regularly at the end/beginning of my cycle that included severe lower backaches and pain that radiated down one leg. I self-medicated with wine or tequila in the morning. This interrupted my daily activity, and that is not normal (still, try to convince certain asshole doctors of that.)
• Spotting pre and post period
• A family member with severe adenomyosis/endometriosis with a hysterectomy in her 30s
• Infertility

Some other things that I've experienced that may or may not be related are:

• fatigue
• heavy clotting (but not necessarily heavy periods)
• retroverted uterus

These symptoms did not happen back when I was on the pill prior to ttc and got progressively worse around the one year ttc mark. During the second and third years the pain increased in both severity and regularity, but seemed to plateau sometime after the three year mark.

One of my choices was to continue medicated IUIs. If the timing would have worked out, I might have tried another or couple more of these first because I have some insurance coverage for this. Limited is better than none. But because I have to sit out a cycle on bcps after each cycle, the timing can be unpredictable and it takes forever. With the holidays coming up, I would have been ready to IUI on or very near thanksgiving and we have plans to go to DH's parents' house (ugh, in retrospect, what a fab way to have gotten to stay home!) and we didn't want to deal with timing issues/stress. Plus, who wants to keep failing for no reason at all?

The doctor also said to consider IVF. He said that there was no reason that my cycles were failing, so IUI could work, but since it wasn't, we shouldn't waste too much more time on that. He didn't push for IVF which was a little surprising, since that's where the money is. The benefit here is that if I had endo, the theory is that IVF bypasses the places where those problems usually show up. Personally, I think they don't know nearly enough about how endo effects conception/implantation/embryo growth/etc to say that. But it's a common enough thought. The big downside? Zero insurance coverage.

So, we have the lap. I've wanted it for years now, and hoped that having a diagnosis (though I've had a few diagnoses added and removed in the last few years already) would make it easier to go forward both literally and especially psychologically. Plus, if there was a chance for pain relief, YAY. I know you don't have to have all or ANY of the classic endo symptoms to have the disease. I read somewhere that something like 20% of ALL women have endo (though they may be asymptomatic and/or fertile.) The whole "unexplained" thing isn't good enough for me when there are still diagnostic options on the table.

Really, there wasn't a question about whether I was going to have the surgery. I considered all my options, but P and I both knew from the start that we were going to end up going for it. I did have some anxiety about it, which surprised me. I think I wanted to feel better about having made the decision, having a surgery date, etc., and that didn't happen.

Am I glad that I did it? Yes. I knew going in that there was a chance they'd find nothing, and that I had to be ok with that. I wanted answers, so I was willing to take that chance. For me, it was absolutely worth it just to know.

So, I had the lap.

I do have endo, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. It's a strange disease. The places that it was found really had no relation to the location of my pain. I guess that's not so unusual, but it was a little disappointing. I was hoping for answers, but I'm not sure I got them.

Guest Blogger: The Kitten

It's all about me.

I'm naughty, of course, but my natural cuteness has saved me from exile on more than one occasion. Mom used to threaten me with the dumpster, but not for a while now. Either I have her completely charmed or else that dumpster thing was always a load of crap. Speaking of which, I made a smelly one this morning! Oh, it was fabulous. Mom really had a fit when she found out since our bathroom is in the same room as her treadmill, and for some reason she doesn't seem to like my smells when she jogs. Her loss. I'm the Treadmill Watch Guard of the house. It's my solemn and sworn duty to be present whenever the treadmill is in use. Sometimes I like to be held while she's going, and other times I just watch. Mom watches Buffy dvds in there, and I have to say that even though I didn't expect to like it (is anything as awesome as animal planet? Uh, NO.) it's growing on me. When the unit is not in use, it makes an awesome nap spot. Pretty much everything in my life is awesome.

I sleep, eat, and play as much as I want and I get my belly rubbed fairly regularly. I can crawl into Mom's lap when she's on the computer and I get to sleep in between my Dad's legs on a warm and comfy bed each night. I like to play night games and it's always fun to make Dad get up and close the curtains when I open them up (I also know how to open the shower door, and Mom thinks that's a hoot.)

They call me a tiny baby kitten, but of course that's not true. I'm grown now and not at all tiny. I get my macho out when I feel like it, especially when it comes to dealing with those puppies. They're bigger but I'm faster. Still, I don't mind being the baby sometimes because my big brother cleans my ears for me and my parents always let me go under the covers.

My life is awesome and so am I.

PS- Mom will be back soon!

red sky

Guest Blogger: Big Kitty

My life used to be so much better. Mom and Dad would go away during the day and I'd be free to sit in the sun and have a peaceful nap. Quietly. Without being bothered. Ever. My biggest worry (if I was going to worry, which I can't remember ever doing) was moving my beautiful furbody across the room to follow the midmorning sun.

Of course that all changed eighteen months ago when the beast entered our lives. Now I have someone who baps my tail when I'm sleeping on a chair and blocks the doorway to the bedroom at night. The little heathen is also a piglet. He eats up all of our food and I've been reduced to begging for more. Simply demeaning.

One great thing in my life is my mom. She knows how important my routine is to me. I follow her to the bathroom every morning and wait for her on the stairs while she takes the beasts (and I'm not even going to lower myself to talk about them) outside. She eventually comes back and I can rest easy until shower time. I always watch out for Mom, just in case something bad happens to her. I worry with all that water spraying all over the place. She also saves me my special places by her on the couch and in bed. She tells me that I'm her special boy, which is really sappy, but I deal with it because we've been pretty tight. And don't tell anyone, but I do kinda like it when she tells me how beautiful I am and wonderful I am in general.

Compliments will get you everywhere, my friends.

Compliments and gravy packets.

And my red ribbon.

Nobody better touch that. Ever.

It is so past my naptime.

October update

1. Cysts resolved. IUI stims followed by canceled IUI due to events outside of my or the doctors control and unrelated to my body resulted in a "natural" attempt that "naturally" failed. Giant cysts followed (dude, the nurse used the word "debris" to describe a mess around one ovary.)

2. Decision time: Lap/IUI/IVF.

3. Girl now has a "bonus" collar to control barking. She wears it only in the evening and only when she needs it. It sprays citronella in her nose if she barks and is supposed to then reduce the behavior. Now if you get the collar out she runs to take a rest in her crate. Not exactly what I wanted, but better than the barking.

4. I had NO trick or treaters on Halloween. This was very depressing for me. I live very close to three THREE schools, and I thought we'd get some, but I guess not. SO glad that P agreed to take the leftover candy to work!

sweet fuck, I'm going insane

Over the past week, Girl has really found her voice. She used to just bark or whine to go outside, and I thought that was great. It greatly reduced the amount of pee on my floor. On wednesday night she woke up at 1230 and began to bark. They've been sleeping through the night pretty much since 12 weeks, so we were surprised. P took her outside, but she didn't need to go. I took her outside because sometimes I can get her to go when he can't. I don't know if she was scared, cold, hot, bored, lonely, or just filled with the desire to inspire murderous rage among her humans.

I read up and decided to go with the ignore-the-behavior-and-she'll-stop approach. I've tried. It's damn hard to ignore when it's bouncing off the inside of your skull. I still take her outside when she needs to go, but other than that, I'm on ignore. I think my brain is vibrating right now.

Holymotherofcrap. It's driving me crazy. Can a person go insane from the barking? (I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is right now - I took away rawhides because they got too small and am not giving them back. Power struggle and I'm not giving up. Even for my hearing. I'm not.)

shut.the.fucking.barking.up.

how did we get here?

I don't make friends easily. I've moved a lot as a child and as an adult. I worked full time through college and didn't join anything so I graduated without any real friends. I've had work friends, and they were all "good friends" at the time, but those who have not dropped off are spread over several states. Sometimes I dropped the ball, sometimes they did, sometimes there was no reason at all.

M- I feel like our friendship ended because of money. I didn't mind helping you out, really. And if you had said that you couldn't pay me back, I'd rather have had the friend than the money (and at the time, we were both so poor. What was it? $70?) Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe with your new fiance, I didn't really fit in your life anymore. In any case, we went through a lot together with working with the closet dom Alice, taking turns coming in late to work and buying breakfast, catching your cheating exhusband on the internet, and making up fake lives and getting guys to buy us drinks and then beating them at pool. I don't know where you are now, but I wish I did.

E- I think I may have found where you work now. It's been several years, but you wouldn't mind if I emailed you, would you? What if in addition to asking you how you were and what you were up to I also asked you for a reference letter? Is it lame to google your old friends? Is it lame that I feel scared to call you up? I kind of think so, but...

J- I think our friendship was meant to end. I really needed someone then and you were like a big sister to me. I did feel sort of competitive and being around you made me feel like a prude in some ways. I think that some of the choices I made might not have happened if I hadn't been trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. Still, you were there for me when I needed you (especially on scary alcohol poisoning night. Thank you.) and I'll always remember that about you. You're a good person and if I run into you again (and I just might) I'd love to get lunch.

L- I thought you were so cool. You wore purple Adidas all-stars to work and I wanted some so bad. I got a white roxy sweatshirt and wore it to work even though it's brainless to wear an expensive white sweatshirt to work when you work with small children. We were at really different places in our personal lives, but we had fun while it lasted (OMG, I just remembered the fun we had with the crossdressers J's bachelorette party!) I wish you the best of luck in your new profession.

D- Girl, stop sending me email forwards and give me a call! I gave you my number, but I don't have yours, so it's up to you. And if you're not gonna call, stop saying you are. But I feel like I can't really say that since we've spoken so infrequently lately and with your miscarriage and your dog dying, I don't want to be bitchy about the little stuff. I hope you'reok, and I know we'll talk soon.

A- I didn't see this coming. After the way we bonded in misery I thought we'd be friends for much longer than we were. Clearly, I was mistaken. Did I always misread the situation? I knew you had other mom friends that you hung out with, but you always talked about them in such a surface-y way that I always had the impression that it was just about the kids. Would things have turned out differently if I had been able to get pregnant? Did you not want to hang out with us because we had no kids? Did you not want to leave your child with us because we don't have a child? That's kind of what it felt like there at the end. You can't imagine the pain that idea causes an infertile couple. I gave you so much of my time, energy, and emotion there when you were struggling in your marriage. I was there for you and so was P. We stood behind you and never judged you for your choices. I don't think you can say that about many other people who know what happened. My grandma thinks you made your choice and are too embarrassed to be my friend now that I know all about your dirty laundry. Maybe that's true. If it is, I think that's really sad. I thought we were better friends than that. I feel like you put me last over and over again and february was the last straw. You made plans and broke them and you either let your child run the show or you were using her as an excuse. I wish things didn't end up the way they did then, but they did. There had to be more reason than that one day for you to fall out of touch, but I wish you would have told me. I don't know how to fix what I don't know about. I don't know if I should try to fix what bothered me.

C, W, P- I don't have many friends. I'm very grateful for the ones I have. Putting up with me must be a huge challenge. I love you.

Ok, I didn't lose my ring

When P bought it, the ring included a warranty. The terms state that it must be checked biannually by them in order to get replacement value if there's ever a problem. Problem. I don't live in that state any longer. FedEx, etc. won't insure jewelery so if I send it to my mom to have it checked and it's lost, I'm SOL. But if I don't send it, the warranty isn't valid any longer.

That's what made me think about what I would do if my ring disappeared. I have discussed the issue further with the company, and they've agreed to honor the warranty if the ring is checked by another AGS jeweler and I have proof. So no big worries.

What would I have done?

Well, P and I went ring shopping together and he knew what I liked, so he did a good job picking. I get lots of compliments because he went for quality. I'd be upset because nothing can replace the original and I have a good proposal memory, but if I got to choose now, I'd probably get something a little different. I'd like a similar setting (platinum, baby!) but I'd probably upgrade the diamond size to a full ct. and possibly change shape.

(P, if you're reading, this does NOT mean that I'm unhappy with my ring! I love it and you and you already know that so don't be a craphead. Spphhbbml.)

sentimental or practical?

Mailing a diamond ring is complicated. No one will sell you insurance. I have a headache, so I'm not even going to go into why this has come up, but don't worry, it was boring anyway.

Say you did mailed or FedExed or UPSed your engagement/wedding ring. And say they lost it.

Would you:
a) replace it with something that looked exactly the same
b) something the same only bigger
c) choose something altogether different
d) not bother since nothing can replace the original

just curious.

I guess I'll go eat worms

The other night we were watching tv and I guess I drifted off to sleep. I woke up and thought I was having a perfectly reasonable conversation about the pope, but I guess I wasn't because I said to P, "Well, at least I know he won't pee on my floor." P thought I was crazy (duh) and I had this feeling like my brain was all mixed up. I totally thought I was awake, but then I got confused. It was kind of scary to feel like there was something wrong with my brain.

I haven't slept well in days. This morning I was dreaming.

#1 - I dreamed that we had Girl and Boy only to find homes for them. We had given Boy away and I freaked out because "It was a big mistake" and I had to convince P to get Boy back and not Give away Girl too.

Interesting, considering that it was pretty much all P who wanted puppies and I have been mostly-joking about giving them away from day one.

#2 - I dreamed that everyone hated me. Literally, everyone. Like, people were threatening to kill me (although some of the methods were suspect, as a guy was threatening me with a rusty nail and a band-aid that had epstein-barr on it.) I was awarded a medal that everyone thought I didn't deserve, and the whole football team was angry with me. I felt so awful. P just sat at a picnic table painting sauce on chicken to bbq, and no one defended me I can't even convey how terrible this all was.

When I woke up, I wanted my mommy. I still feel this heavy sadness. I started crying when P left for work because it felt like he hated me. I'm having trouble shaking the awful feeling.

technological liberation and seduction (I'm here to solve the BIG problems in life)

When my then-boyfriend got a cell phone ca. 1997, I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. I knew no one who had one except him. I remember mocking him mercilessly and asking why he would possibly need that (am considering emailing to apologize now.) Of course, eventually the revolution came and I got a phone too and I forgot all about my teasing over his need for a silly toy.

I went from carrier to carrier, hating on most of them, getting thoroughly screwed by one. When I moved away from CA, I realized that I hardly ever used my phone and was tired of shelling out the cash each month for the few minutes I actually used. P and I decided to cut costs an try out pay-as-you-go service. No more activation fees, no more big bills, no more roaming surprises, no more contracts. Decent service, even when traveling. Happy Twirl.

After a few years, we moved again, to NewCity. My phone was wearing out and not holding a charge, and I let the service lapse. P got a new phone for his job and instead of trying for a local number I let his service lapse too. I've been living cell-free pretty much since May.

LIBERATION!

It's been so great. When I'm out, I'm out. I can actually go somewhere and not tell anyone! And no one can ask me where I am, what I'm doing, or when I'll be home. Fantastic! (keep in mind that I have very few people to talk to anyway)

Lately though, I've been hearing the call of a new phone. P really wants me to get one because he likes to bother me when I go to the store. I started researching other carriers that offer prepaid service and it made my head spin a little. I eliminated a couple based on ridiculous rules or charges or crap networks. I'm left with two.

Why these two? Well, there's Tracfone, which I've used before and been completely satisfied with. And there's Cingular GoPhone, which offers me this:


I've been totally seduced by this tiny phone. It's cute and I want it. It's also kind of expensive and I'm a little cheap. Oh, and I HATE cingular.

UGH! What do I do? Am I crazy to hold a five-year grudge against a company? Should I give in and buy me a new toy? Should I continue to live my happy cell-free life?

Puppies: we live in Toys R Us

In the Twirl household, we go through lots of toys. Puppies are little destructo-units. They will chew and chew and chew until there's nothing left and then they will chew each other. I decided from the start to make sure there were always plenty of different acceptable chewing options available. They have soft toys, hard toys, rope toys, chew toys, and they love them all. They say you ought to rotate, but I don't really need to since they destroy things so often that there's always a new toy coming in to replace something.

Seven weeks: rope



Eight weeks: Girl with rope and fish, Boy with monkey and carrot. Carrot was the first toy that Boy selected himself by taking it off a low shelving unit at the "toy store."

Nine weeks: Girl with jack, Boy with unfortunately-placed carrot. Girl is not usually possessive over toys. She shares easily and is not territorial. This does not apply to the big jack. Boy may chew in tandem, but he may not take this toy away!



Ten weeks: Twirl messes with Boy and many toys, Boy and mini tennis ball. I do have to mess with them when they're sleeping. It's payback for them messing with me when they're awake.



Eleven weeks: Boy and rope, Girl and Boy and HIS giraffe. Boy does not share toys he's deemed "his." The giraffe is not for sharing. He gathers up toys to sleep with or hoard.



Twelve weeks: Girl with jack, Girl and Boy chewing a hard ball with three ropes that go through and have knots in the ends. The ropes have since been shredded, partially consumed, and thrown away.

I would sooo have that McBaby

Patrick Dempsey and his wife are having a second child.

If it's you, speak up!

P loaned out Lost (season one) to someone at some time. He does not recall who or when and therefore can't ask for the discs back. His wife was not at all pleased about this and is holding a (silent) grudge.

when all the stars were falling,

i reached up like you said.
all the stars were falling, one hit me in the head,
and i fell down, down, down.
i fell down, down.

***

I'm keeping my record intact. Another medicated cycle, another follow-up cycle on the bench because of cysts. More cysts than mature follicles. Larger too. The printouts of the cysts made a nice long chain. She said, "well, it does look like your body responds well to gonal-f." I said that it didn't feel "well." She was really nice to me though. She did made me cry when she was poking around in there, but that's to be expected. Fucking cysts.

The nurse thought it was kinda sad that I was expecting cysts. She said I sounded resigned, which I'm sure I did. With how bloated I was and how much discomfort I've had, I'm not surprised that I still had shit growing in there. I do wish they wouldn't tell me that as a part of my bloodwork they're going to do a beta. I know what they're doing, I know why, but it's still depressing.

Goodbye perfect lining, hello cysts?

I've recovered from my little emotional outburst yesterday and fortunately I no longer feel like crying. In addition to the pain of failure, I blame the hormone shift.

Now I'm ready to enter the three-day-wait. I'm up for the title of most medicated cycles followed by a rest cycle due to cysts. Do you think the Academy will pick me? I've never not been benched following a med cycle, so I expect that will be the case this time too. Especially given how "well" I respond to the drugs.

***

here's a bonus tidbit:

I just got a call from the pharmacy.

"You have a prescription waiting for you."

"I shouldn't have any."

"Your... gawn-al.... F"

"No, I already picked that up."


How the fuck did the pharmacy already know this was a failure?!"

Perfect failure

Sometimes life just sucks. And it's not life exactly, it's just my life. Or my non-life. I'm sitting here, in pain, waiting for the backaches and cramping to give birth to the bloody end of this failed cycle. This, my 48th cycle, was another perfect failure.

I know iuis aren't fabulous as far as success rates go, but I don't really have a choice right now. We made the best decision we could and it's in the hands of a doctor who wants us to fail on his protocol a few times before we can move on. I wanted a lap. Don't tell me to be the boss because it does not always work. Sometimes you just get labeled a problem patient and you end up in limbo for over a year. Sometimes you have to suck it up and work it from within the system. I'm trying anyway. I don't really want advice. I don't need help. Not with this anyway. As much as I'm not liking the way things are going, it was still the right decision.

What I need is to succeed at something. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of shooting up, bloating up, and the second I can wear my non-stretch jeans again, the backaches start and we can relive the process all over again. This afternoon I did a shot of vodka because I could feel the ache coming on. P looked at me like I was nuts. I was crazy; it should have been tequila. Better than tylenol. Waiting sucks. The inevitable sucks too, but the waiting for it, especially when there's pain, is just emotional misery.

We went to B&N and walked around. I felt like a zombie. I love books, but the store was driving me mad. I saw strollers and I heard children laughing and talking and crying and I felt like there was a whole other world there that I'm just allowed to look at but not be a part of. I walked past the pregnancy section without slowing, but I knew it was there. I know there are books about fertility and endometriosis and pcos in the health section, but I didn't want to look. What can a book tell me? Nothing. A book doesn't know why this is so hard. Every section I walked by made my heart hurt a little. My glazed-over eyes welled up with tears, but my zombie-self didn't let them out. I wandered around though the history and biography sections where I can usually get lost, but I didn't really stop. When I realized that I'd been staring at a table of boxed calendars, I found P and told him that I wanted ice cream. "Now?" "Yes, NOW." "Are you sure you don't want a chocolate cupcake?" "No, ice cream." "Ok," he said, seeing I can only imagine what on my face, "let's go." And we did.

Did it help? I don't know. I'm sitting here writing this wondering how I got here. How did things turn out this way for me, for us? How did I become this person? I don't believe in fate, karma, or divine intervention for things like this. It's just happening and there is no reason. But it's still happening and not being able to explain it in a five paragraph essay is very frustrating. I didn't want puppies. I wanted babies. I never wanted to be a doctor, lawyer or indian chief. I didn't want to be a butcher, baker, or candlestick maker either (and I'm not drunk, by the way.) All I ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother. I feel like I'm failing at the one and the other is so unimaginable by now I can't even get there in my mind anymore.