solo

P took Birdie to the grocery store.  By himself.  For the very first time.  And it was his idea.

I don't know what to do with myself!  I've already vacuumed the upstairs and now I'm having a chipsandsalsa break.  I think I'm going to turn the stereo up.  LOUD!

impotent

I've been away.

My ILs have no computer.

No one in their neighborhood has wireless to steal.

Dark ages.

Glad to be home.

one more wake-up

Tomorrow my baby will be one.  

That is all.

YAY! (I hope.)

Guess what? Speaking up works!

My balloons (not just any ole latex balloons, btw - I'm very afraid of those - these are 30" mylars) are going to be expressed here, hopefully by noon on Saturday.  Just barely makes the cut, but in this case, barely works!  Now, everyone just has to do as they said they would.

I'm sure she doesn't read my blog, but huge thanks to A.L. in Brooklyn for helping me get this fixed!  I hope your child loves the Sesame Street balloons you picked as well - they're in the mail!

I'm sure it seems silly to get all worked up over something like this, but... sorry, can't be helped.

pissed.

I won two large mylar balloons on e.ba.y for Birdie's birthday.  

I got balloons in the mail today but they aren't mine.

I doubt it's fixable before Saturday.

PMS defined

The firm belief that the universe is conspiring to piss you off.

is it awful...

...that I miss my husband even more when he's away and the weather's bad and I have to take out the dogs?

Here's the thing:

I know I'm vague.

I don't share everything on this blog because I'm just not comfortable with doing so, regardless of how "anonymous" it may appear.  Some of you know more about me and my family.  Chances are, if I've emailed with you I consider you a friend.  I'm just not comfortable having too much out here for all to read forever.  I also try to only write things that I'd be ok with P reading.  Obviously that's limiting, especially when he's the problem (sorry, sweetheart) because I could really use a good vent now and then.

Life here is stressful.  We're dealing with several monumental changes at once and it's putting a lot of strain on us individually and as a family.  While I'm confident we can and will make it through, for now we're currently living life on a roller coaster. On thin ice.  At the edge of the world.  (Sort of like the Grinch and Max and the sled full of stolen Whoville gifts and goodies.)  For someone who thrives on routine and predictability and planning ahead, this is particularly rough.  

I wish I could tell you more.  I wish I could tell you everything.  Thank you for being there for me anyway.

being grateful

he turns my heated seat on in the car when we're going out together.

he bought me a book because he knew I finished my last one.

he recorded a show, just for me (not him) because he thought I'd like it.

I meant to tell you

Birdie was a black cat like our Big Kitty for halloween.  She thought it was hilarious, and since the words she has said so far include: mama, dada/yaya, bubba (Big Kitty), meh (the kitten) and "meow" we thought the kitty thing was appropriate.  

We took her to a mall so she could see the kids all dressed up (we don't get trick-or-treaters here.)  Of course, she refused to say "meow" for anyone.  At first, she just gave everyone a cold stare.  She eventually warmed up and gave huge smiles and reveled in the joy of people telling us and her how cute she was.  

Then she wanted to practice her walking.  At just that time a giant Dunkin' Donuts Donut Man came along.  Our little Birdie was soooooo excited and tried to get to him/her/it.  She's not a great walker yet though, so we toddled hands and fingers down the mall walkway at a remarkably slow pace for people chasing someone.  Hearing my little girl squeal with delight and YELL as she "chased" a giant donut was pure comedy.  Best Halloween Memory. =)

generally annoyed

at my husband.  not going to list my grievances.  they're mostly petty.  but i'm still annoyed.

We (ok, I) voted "NO" on the first birthday sugar coma

If you know of any good cake (or possibly bread) recipes appropriate for a baby (or, *sniff* toddler) feel free to share.  

I do have access to google, and can search myself, so I'm really just looking for recipes YOU have had personal experience with (as opposed to random links you've found.)

Apple is a strong favorite here, and though I'm hoping to limit sugar and eggs, using them minimally will be fine.

Thanks!

she's ba-ack

I think the endo is back.  I'm starting to experience some pain issues again.  I'm also pretty sure that I have a cyst.  What this means for my current and future fertility and family-building is... the ten-thousand dollar question.  I have tons of other things to worry about right now, but I wouldn't be a good infertile if I didn't devote at least some of my worries to the status of the mess down yonder.  I could do without the pain though.

points of interest

Open House #1:  done!  I hear (from my neighbors, who were counting people) that there were tons of people here.  Only time will tell if that translates into (good) offers.

Weekend Trip:  we went to visit P's parents.  While there, P's grandfather died.  They weren't close, so he's not particularly sad or anything, but it did make it a different sort of visit.  Birdie helped distract everyone.  She is not currently a good traveler.  She does not sleep well at all in strange places, no matter how much I try to make her environment seem like at home.  She's just sensitive to changes in her routine, I guess.  I am not in love with middle-of-the-night screaming that lasts for a million years, even though I understand the problem.

Birdie:  big day today - Birdie took her first unassisted step.  She's been cruising for a while now and standing on her own, so I knew it was coming.  I still want to cry though!  My baby is getting so strong and independent (just as she should, I know, but still...)  She's in love with pointing and we spend lots of time pointing at things, naming them, and giggling about it all.  She has decided that she no longer cares for pureed veggies, and is currently in love with cheese.

My grandma:  is in the hospital.  She had surgery recently and is not recovering as well as we were hoping.  There's nothing that my being there would accomplish, but I still feel bad being so far away.  She will probably recover fully, it's just not going very quickly.  And it's not easy to watch in the meantime.

psychoanalysis? no need, i think it's pretty clear!

The dream version:

P left us on the way home from a long trip to go fight a fire.  Birdie climbed out of her carseat and got into my seat with me and climbed up my face.  We were almost home and we would have made it if there had been two adults, but I had a challenging time driving with a baby on my face.

What really happened:

I woke up to a scream from Birdie's bedroom at 5am (she gets up between 7-8.)  Usually I wait and see if she'll go back to sleep, but in my sleep-daze, I jumped up and went right to her and scooped her up out of her crib without thinking.  I realized what I had done and fed her and rocked her a little and put her back in her crib.

She did not fall back asleep.  She moaned and whined for a half an hour.  I tried to sleep through it (yeah, I'm awful.)  P did sleep through it (the whole thing.  he usually does.)  At about 5:30, I went and brought Birdie to our bed.  I offered her a nice full boob and hoped for sleep.  I drifted a bit (I was so very tired) and managed to fall asleep enough to dream sometime in the 6 o'clock hour.  I woke up with one hand clutching a handful of Birdie's sleepsack and the other brushing a baby off my face as P slept peacefully next to us.

conversations with a ten-month-old

(yaya = daddy)

(you can guess which line corresponds to which human.)

"can mommy have daddy's ipod please?"

"blehmamama"

"can mommy have it?"

"dada yaya"

"give it to mommy.  please."

"eh!"

"put it in mommy's hand please."

"melaaaa amama mama mama."

"give mommy daddy's ipod..."

<>

"thank you, baby."

"bleh ah yaya yaya!"

untitled

So, Birdie had a "raging" ear infection.  (sorry about the lack of updating - I did on twitter though!)  She seems a lot better now that the antibiotics have kicked in.  I'm feeling a lot better too, just tired.

We spent the last couple days getting the house "picture ready" so we could put it on the market.  I'm looking out the window of Birdie's room and I see a "for sale" sign on our front lawn.  It makes me sadder than I thought it would.  The thing I'm most bummed about leaving is this room.  It's perfect.  I love being in here with my little girl and she loves it too.  I look around and I see all the time and effort and planning and hoping and dreaming that went into this space and... yeah.  There's going to be one sad mommy the day I pack this room up.

and back to the doctor we go

ugh.  

Birdie spiked a high fever again last night.

Her symptoms have never fully cleared up.

She still has a fever even with round the clock tylenol.

The thermometer will now only read "err"

all = another visit to the ped

Poor baby can't sleep and she looks quite pitiful and miserable with her red eyes.  She didn't even finish her very favorite lunch in the whole world (yogurt.)  =(

Tunisian Death Flu.

A week two weeks, in review:

Birdie got sick.

P got sick.

I remained healthy.

Birdie improved a lot.

P improved a lot.

P had an unfortunate accident with paint stripper leaving chemical burns on one leg.

P got sicker.

I got sick.

I got sicker.

I think we're all on the mend now.  My head feels like I'm under water and I have cotton in my ears, but I no longer feel compelled to call my loved ones for one final goodbye.

And that's what I've been doing.  You?

...and then I thought to myself,

"I really want to remember this moment, this feeling, right now."

Birdie and I were playing in her room.  Actually, I was sitting on the floor, reading a paperback book and Birdie was playing.  I watched her as she crawled over to her books and selected one.  (I am so puffed up with pride and joy that she often chooses books to chew over other toys.)  This time, she opened a book on her lap and inspected a family of bears.  

She looked up from her book and grinned at me.  

A perfect moment.