Friday, June 13, 2008

how do i get past this?

I have some very bad-hurt feelings about something that has happened recently.

To my face, P's parents backed me up/supported me on something that happened to me but then behind my back (to P and to someone else) said something entirely different (blaming the situation on me, and a related situation on my mom.)

I know that's not at all clear, but it's a long story and I don't know how to tell it and then get to the point.  Which is this:  These people, for better or for worse, are now my family.  I WILL have to see them and interact with them in the future.  But every time I think about this thing, I get mad/sad/hurt/pissed/betrayed all over again.  How do I sit on their couch and chat or answer the phone or... knowing how they really feel?  

-I don't especially want to have it out with them, as I suspect they will not change their minds on this one so it wouldn't really do any good.  Not to mention that they could just lie to me like before and nothing would be resolved anyway.

-I can't have P talk to them because he doesn't really get why it bothers me so much (that's a whole other (heartbreaking) topic) and though he now sees it from my POV (or at least he says he does) there was a time where he didn't and was more in agreement with his parents.  I'm guessing his true feelings lie somewhere in the middle.

-I don't see another way out other than to just get over it and play nice.  I just wish I knew how to do that.

I'm sure this all makes very little (if any!) sense, but I had to get it out.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about it who isn't involved or invested in some way.  The situation itself makes me want to cry, but then add the "family response" part to it, and I'm just having a really hard time. 


r.a.w. said...

Oh, how I wish I had a m.agic 8 b.all that had the answers to these sorts of problems. While I have not had situations such as these with family, I have had them with friends/co-workers. I have not yet found a solution that works.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Know that I am thinking of you.

Irish Girl said...

Let me just say that I've pretty much felt like this about my in-laws most of the time I've been married to D. There have been MANY hurtful things said or done along the way and I doubt if they even realize how badly they've hurt me. My feeling is that if I tried to explain myself it would make matters worse. So I keep it to myself, try to remember they are good folks (who happen to do things/think differently), and make nice. I guess I bury it. But if revealing it isn't going to help and could possibly hurt D then it isn't worth it to me. It helps that we only see them once a month or so.

All that said, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I seriously hope your feelings can be somehow healed. I wish I could find a way to do that for myself.

Heather said...

The worst part is that they agreed to your face and then didn't when you weren't around. It would be hard enough if they hadn't agreed at all - but the lie makes it worse to me.

Like you said, you really can't confront them and you do have to play nice.

Maybe confronting them isn't the answer but maybe saying something to them about how hurtful it was to find out from someone else that they didn't agree and in the future they could just tell you? At least things would be out in the open then?

Cat, Galloping said...

I didn't see your kitty posts until just now-- they didn't show up in bloglines! I'm sorry not to have been there in your time of need, but happy he's doing okay.

As for this one, I don't know. My in-laws just did something so awful (a continuation of things, really) to my husband that I can barely even look at them. Luckily, I almost never have to (which is the main problem). But I'm thinking about you. In-law stuff is hard!

Karen said...

I wish I had magic answers for you. I don't like that they lied to you, and while I agree that confronting them overall might be a bad thing, you might try Heather's suggestion of at least telling them that they should have been honest with you in the first place because the lie compounded the hurtfulness of the situation.

Beyond that, I admit I'm a little too much in the dark to give more concrete advice, but do feel free to email me directly if you need someone to talk to. chezperky [at]

Sarah said...

ugh, i'm terrible with these things in my own life. i think maybe they usually just take time? ideally in time they see your side, but maybe also you eventually care less what they think, or perhaps at least accept why they were dishonest (to protect your feelings?). it sounds like a VERY crappy feeling though and i'm sorry.

OHN said...

I learned a long time ago that I work much better when the air is clear. I would have the need to make sure they knew that I had heard they were on both sides of the fence and to please be honest with me in the future. You could even ask them if they think that you are "over-reacting" etc to get the dialog going.

r.a.w. said...

Thinking of you and hoping things are getting easier. Just drop an e-mail if you need to let anything out...