I have to get out of this place. I can't seem to shake the feelings, the emotions, that are wrecking me here. We went to P's family for Thanksgiving, and it was great. I felt like my old self. Happy enough, good enough. Still sad I can't get pregnant? Sure. Looking forward to NewCity? Absolutely. But there was none of the desperation and hopelessness that I feel here (um, depressed, much?*) I didn't even realize it at first. We were focused on other people (someone has a rare and deadly cancer, but P wouldn't like me to write more about it here.)
CANCER didn't depress me but this place does.
We put in a new vinyl tile (stone) floor** for P's parents' Christmas gift (HGTV is a blessing and a curse. Ideas! Improvements! All at your local Home Depot!) and it looked awesome. I had sore knees, an aching back, and I ate more food there than I ever would at home, but I felt good. P and I felt connected again. It sounds dumb, but we were happy. Together. I liked him and he liked me.
Sometimes I feel like I want to run away. I love P. I'm glad I'm married to him. I's ME that I want to get away from.
I don't even remember where I heard this now, but there was this really old man who had been married for 70 years or something and someone asked him the key to having such a long successful marriage. His answer? You don't leave. How perfectly simple. You just don't leave.
I need to do my best to remember that this is all temporary. It will all end. I know things won't be perfect just because we move (I'm no moving virg.n!) but I do know that sometimes scenery can be very important. A fresh start is at the end of my rainbow. I just need to make it there. And I'm pretty sure I will... by staying.
*Please, no info on depression or suggestions for meds/therapy. Thanks.
**Anyone considering this for their own home, and are not convinced, let me know. I have amazing before and after pictures!