generally annoyed

at my husband.  not going to list my grievances.  they're mostly petty.  but i'm still annoyed.

We (ok, I) voted "NO" on the first birthday sugar coma

If you know of any good cake (or possibly bread) recipes appropriate for a baby (or, *sniff* toddler) feel free to share.  

I do have access to google, and can search myself, so I'm really just looking for recipes YOU have had personal experience with (as opposed to random links you've found.)

Apple is a strong favorite here, and though I'm hoping to limit sugar and eggs, using them minimally will be fine.

Thanks!

she's ba-ack

I think the endo is back.  I'm starting to experience some pain issues again.  I'm also pretty sure that I have a cyst.  What this means for my current and future fertility and family-building is... the ten-thousand dollar question.  I have tons of other things to worry about right now, but I wouldn't be a good infertile if I didn't devote at least some of my worries to the status of the mess down yonder.  I could do without the pain though.

points of interest

Open House #1:  done!  I hear (from my neighbors, who were counting people) that there were tons of people here.  Only time will tell if that translates into (good) offers.

Weekend Trip:  we went to visit P's parents.  While there, P's grandfather died.  They weren't close, so he's not particularly sad or anything, but it did make it a different sort of visit.  Birdie helped distract everyone.  She is not currently a good traveler.  She does not sleep well at all in strange places, no matter how much I try to make her environment seem like at home.  She's just sensitive to changes in her routine, I guess.  I am not in love with middle-of-the-night screaming that lasts for a million years, even though I understand the problem.

Birdie:  big day today - Birdie took her first unassisted step.  She's been cruising for a while now and standing on her own, so I knew it was coming.  I still want to cry though!  My baby is getting so strong and independent (just as she should, I know, but still...)  She's in love with pointing and we spend lots of time pointing at things, naming them, and giggling about it all.  She has decided that she no longer cares for pureed veggies, and is currently in love with cheese.

My grandma:  is in the hospital.  She had surgery recently and is not recovering as well as we were hoping.  There's nothing that my being there would accomplish, but I still feel bad being so far away.  She will probably recover fully, it's just not going very quickly.  And it's not easy to watch in the meantime.

psychoanalysis? no need, i think it's pretty clear!

The dream version:

P left us on the way home from a long trip to go fight a fire.  Birdie climbed out of her carseat and got into my seat with me and climbed up my face.  We were almost home and we would have made it if there had been two adults, but I had a challenging time driving with a baby on my face.

What really happened:

I woke up to a scream from Birdie's bedroom at 5am (she gets up between 7-8.)  Usually I wait and see if she'll go back to sleep, but in my sleep-daze, I jumped up and went right to her and scooped her up out of her crib without thinking.  I realized what I had done and fed her and rocked her a little and put her back in her crib.

She did not fall back asleep.  She moaned and whined for a half an hour.  I tried to sleep through it (yeah, I'm awful.)  P did sleep through it (the whole thing.  he usually does.)  At about 5:30, I went and brought Birdie to our bed.  I offered her a nice full boob and hoped for sleep.  I drifted a bit (I was so very tired) and managed to fall asleep enough to dream sometime in the 6 o'clock hour.  I woke up with one hand clutching a handful of Birdie's sleepsack and the other brushing a baby off my face as P slept peacefully next to us.

conversations with a ten-month-old

(yaya = daddy)

(you can guess which line corresponds to which human.)

"can mommy have daddy's ipod please?"

"blehmamama"

"can mommy have it?"

"dada yaya"

"give it to mommy.  please."

"eh!"

"put it in mommy's hand please."

"melaaaa amama mama mama."

"give mommy daddy's ipod..."

<>

"thank you, baby."

"bleh ah yaya yaya!"

untitled

So, Birdie had a "raging" ear infection.  (sorry about the lack of updating - I did on twitter though!)  She seems a lot better now that the antibiotics have kicked in.  I'm feeling a lot better too, just tired.

We spent the last couple days getting the house "picture ready" so we could put it on the market.  I'm looking out the window of Birdie's room and I see a "for sale" sign on our front lawn.  It makes me sadder than I thought it would.  The thing I'm most bummed about leaving is this room.  It's perfect.  I love being in here with my little girl and she loves it too.  I look around and I see all the time and effort and planning and hoping and dreaming that went into this space and... yeah.  There's going to be one sad mommy the day I pack this room up.

and back to the doctor we go

ugh.  

Birdie spiked a high fever again last night.

Her symptoms have never fully cleared up.

She still has a fever even with round the clock tylenol.

The thermometer will now only read "err"

all = another visit to the ped

Poor baby can't sleep and she looks quite pitiful and miserable with her red eyes.  She didn't even finish her very favorite lunch in the whole world (yogurt.)  =(

Tunisian Death Flu.

A week two weeks, in review:

Birdie got sick.

P got sick.

I remained healthy.

Birdie improved a lot.

P improved a lot.

P had an unfortunate accident with paint stripper leaving chemical burns on one leg.

P got sicker.

I got sick.

I got sicker.

I think we're all on the mend now.  My head feels like I'm under water and I have cotton in my ears, but I no longer feel compelled to call my loved ones for one final goodbye.

And that's what I've been doing.  You?

...and then I thought to myself,

"I really want to remember this moment, this feeling, right now."

Birdie and I were playing in her room.  Actually, I was sitting on the floor, reading a paperback book and Birdie was playing.  I watched her as she crawled over to her books and selected one.  (I am so puffed up with pride and joy that she often chooses books to chew over other toys.)  This time, she opened a book on her lap and inspected a family of bears.  

She looked up from her book and grinned at me.  

A perfect moment.

Is there anyone out there who feels as though they wouldn't change a thing if they could?

Today I exploded a little.  Not in an angry way (ok, there were some angry bits) but mostly in a "there's-too-much-inside-and-something's-bound-to-come-out" sort of way.  There have been a lot of little things (and some not-so-little ones) building up around here making it a generally unpleasant place to be.    I think the air has finally been cleared a little.  

Are things better?  I don't know.  I got to have my say, but I'm not totally satisfied with all the answers I got.  I don't really have a choice about that though, since I'm not in charge of the world.

I think that's something I never considered.  That there would be times, in marriage, in life, that you just aren't satisfied with how things have turned out AND you may not be able to or want to do anything about that.  

Probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's meaningful to me.  I guess we make compromises about things all the time and we don't even realize we're doing it.  

alone

I'm sitting here alone tonight (well, as alone as I ever am with my zoo) and I'm kind of down.  It's one thing when P is away for work, sure I miss him, but I get why he is wherever he happens to be.  But sometimes (like now), when he's out with friends, just having fun... I just feel ... very on my own.

One Thing I Won't Miss When We Move (Again.)

How freaking slow do you have to be driving to be passed by the MAIL MAN???

cringe

I'm pretty sure I was able to keep it inside, but ouch.

"How old is your baby?"

"Nine months."

"Oh, she's so tiiiiiiiiny."

It's not the first time someone has said that to me and usually I just think that they must all have gigantor babies or their babies are teenagers and they've forgotten or they're just not good judges of size.  I used to just shrug it off because for a long time Birdie was in the 95% for length and has the thighs to match.  Now?  Yeah, she's not that big percentage-wise any longer.  But she IS average (I don't want to look up the number.)

I know people don't mean anything by it, and blah, blah, blah, but I still shrink inside a little when I hear it.  My heart stops just for a second now when someone asks me how old my baby is and I wonder if she's comparing my baby to hers.  And I hate that I think about that at all.

request:

I no longer have access to my bookmarks & my blogroll is completely gone.  I usually don't care if you go anon, but it would help me a lot if you could fill in the url field just once (especially if you don't have a blogger profile where I might be able to find you.)  

If I haven't commented lately, this is probably why.  I just can't seen to find time to track everyone down right now.

Thanks!

oops. sorry.

I meant to update last week, I swear.

Birdie gained back the weight she lost.  And then some.  So, YAY.

I'm not going to go all into what we did to get her there right now because honestly, I'm a little tired of talking about it, hearing opinions, listening to suggestions, etc.  No one has done anything wrong, I'm just a little burned out.

The ped did say that failure to thrive is fairly rare in breastfed babies Birdie's age.  This didn't make me feel better or worse.  We're still watching her and she still has to go for weight checks, but the situation is much less alarming/dire/panic-inducing. 

go ahead - laugh and point

Before Birdie was born we got a bunch of bibs.  I hate bibs, always have.  I think it's because I see pics of babies wearing them when they're not eating (yeah, I get that they're probably for drool then) but I still don't like the "look" of them.

Since BFing went well (then, haha) we never used a bottle and honestly, I thought having all those bibs was a little silly.  I mean, they just sat there sad, lonely, unused, in a basket in the closet.  I seriously didn't see myself using them.  At all. 

Until we increased the solids to 3x/day.

I get it now.

If I weren't THIS me, who would I be?

Who could I be?

Because obviously I'm not who I was before I was married.  I'm not who I was before we started trying and (thankfully!) I'm not who I was during treatment.  Still, infertility being the gift that keeps on giving (yes... even if you end up with a take-home baby) I have... issues.

Who am I now?  

Because I kind of don't like me.  And If I don't, why should you or anyone else?  

I have reasons/excuses for everything... but do they even matter?  The reason doesn't change the reality.

I need to do *something* but I just don't know what exactly.

/ramble

Here's where I make it all about me.

I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping for, but I suppose that doesn't matter since I have no say anyway.

Test results only revealed one abnormal value, the one which indicates nutritional status.  It looks as though her nutrition level isn't what it ought to be.  This doesn't tell us a whole lot really.  The basic plan of action is to increase calories and see if she gains.

Why is that so depressing to me?

1.  The most calorie-dense, readily-absorbed source of nutrients is breastmilk.  I can't physically feed her any more often than I do now.  Since last week, I have begun to encourage her to eat longer, which puts a single feeding at well over 30 minutes, often much longer.  She eats 9x/day.  I'm exhausted.

2.  I have not had success with pumping, ever, and hand expression, even though I'm probably slightly better than average at it, yields very little after an extremely long nursing session.  I don't know how, at this point, to introduce any more breastmilk.

3.  I didn't have a breastfeeding goal when we started.  For months, I just said I had no specific end date in mind, that my breasts didn't expire, etc.  Very recently (within the last month?) I decided that my goal was no formula.  We made it nine months, what's another three?  I didn't have weaning plan set for one year, but if we made it that long we could give her cow's milk, etc. if we needed/wanted to supplement.  I have no beef with formula, I just didn't want to buy it if I could make healthy baby milk for free.

4.  Which means, essentially, that the milk I'm making is not sufficient.  Either the quantity or the quality is not enough.  I'm feeding her an effing ton, and she's not gaining.  So it's me.  My milk.  My fault.  (yeah, I know what I'd say to me if I were you, but I still feel like this.  Telling me it's silly will not help.)  Once again, my body has failed at something.  The doctor kept saying over and over that it was no reflection on me, that I didn't do anything wrong, that we've gone longer than most, blah, blah, blah, but really?  It couldn't be any more personal.  I've been starving my baby.  And I didn't notice.  

(and yes, I know that 5oz isn't really obvious.  but I didn't pick up on a lack of growth either.  maybe I couldn't have seen it.  maybe no one would have.  but the bottom line is that I'm her mother and magical powers or not, I didn't.  so I feel like crap.)

5.  I have to supplement with something.  It can be bottled (sippy cup) breastmilk, formula, solid foods, or a combination.  For the time being, I've chosen to increase breastfeeds and increase solids.  It's possible that this alone will help.

6.  I hate, HATE that this will prove the MILs, the grandmas of the world right.  ("you need to feed that baby"  "when are you going to stop nursing and feed her real food?" etc, blah.)  From what I understand, this isn't a normal outcome, but that's not what they'll hear.  I know it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but I can't exactly ignore it either.  It's hard enough being the pioneer in the family in the first place.

7.  There is a teeny tiny chance that she is getting everything she needs and is still not gaining for some reason.  This is not very likely.  If so, it would (obviously) be bad.  If she has not gained in one month, we'll have earned a trip to the hospital.  I don't want to think about this.  I'd much rather the problem be me than her.

So, the plan, for now at least, is to stop crying about it, increase time spent at the breast, and be consistent with giving Birdie three additional meals per day of table food.  I know the ped wanted me to give her an extra (cup) feed of milk/formula, but I want to try this first (I think.  I'm still digesting a little.) which is why I asked for a two-week weight check in addition to the one-month.  If she hasn't gained in two weeks, I can re-evaluate and try something else before we get to the hospital point.

Also, sincere apologies if I've been short with you via email.  I'm worried (and there are other things going on now too) and feeling generally defensive, so I know it's coming out where I don't mean it to.  I truly appreciate all your support, even if it doesn't sound like it.

so, that was vague

The little problem =  Birdie dropped on her growth curve for length and head circumference a little bit this (9 month) visit and a little bit at the last (6 month) visit.

The bigger problem = Birdie LOST 5oz. between her 6 and 9 month visits and dropped "significantly" on her growth curve at this visit (multiple lines.)

Developmentally and cognitively, she's doing great.  She crawls, climbs, stands, cruises, waves, babbles... she's perfect.  She even looks perfectly average ("sturdy" even, lol.)  The problem, as I had to explain to poor P (who looked bewildered and a bit defensive when I told him about this) isn't how much she weighs - she's not underweight for her age or height - it's that she lost weight in the first place and that she's no longer gaining at a pattern normal for her.

So what they look at first is intake/output of nutrients.  Birdie is still breastfeeding normally, at an average of 9 times per day.  She has begun to take some solids and some water from a cup, but not enough to decrease her intake of breastmilk, which is good.  She is having a good number of wet diapers per day, so we know she's getting enough milk.  There are no obvious problems here.

Which brings us to where we are now.  Since there's no sign as to what the problem might be, they look at blood and urine to see if there are any clues.  If she has an illness (like a chronic UTI, for example) her body may be expending more calories to fight the infection than she's taking in, even if she's taking in a "normal" amount.  This could be a little thing, easily fixed, and that's what we're hoping for.  There are other possibilities, like hormonal issues, that can also factor in.

I won't say it's the "worst" thing, because I know there are many, many worse things out there (and have imagined them already, thanks,) but I'm NOT hoping that the blood panel/urinalysis reveals nothing.  Because then we're back to she's losing weight and we don't know why.

I'm taking her to Children's for bloodwork tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to get a urine sample from her to take that in with us.  

In the meantime, thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.