Sorry. I'm having a hard time staying focused lately. I'm reading your blogs even though I haven't been much of a participant. My head's all over the place.
It's almost November.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
one more reason it sucks when your husband is gone and you're pregnant and awkward and big and cry easily
(this got really long, which is just how it felt. you are under no obligation to read!)
At 2am I woke up to a beeping sound. I opened up my eyes, but did not get out of bed. I waited for more beeps (just to make sure I hadn't been dreaming) and I was rewarded. I struggled up and out of bed to investigate, but decided to pee first. A girl has priorities, you know.
I discovered that it was one of our smoke detectors, and had to stand directly under three different ones and wait for a beep to determine which one it was. Very annoying under normal circumstances, much worse in the middle of the night. I found the beeping and pulled a tall bar chair up under it so that I could reach. I looked at the chair and knew it would be a bad idea to climb up on it, but I really had no choice if i wanted the beeping to stop (and good lord, did I want it to stop!) So I very, very carefully hauled my large pregnant self up onto the chair and attempted to remove the smoke detector.
Eventually it came away from the ceiling, but I couldn't get the back off to get the battery out and it was suspended from it's power source so I was still fiddling with it while standing on the chair. I became mad at P for being gone and leaving me to deal with this and I felt like crying as the damn thing beeped in my hands. Then it stopped. I stood on the chair for several minutes to be sure and then climbed down. I decided to pee one more time and I went back to bed.
Fifteen minutes later the beeping started up again. I pondered just leaving it. Maybe I could sleep through the beeps. I covered my head and found my pillow an insufficient barrier against sound. This time I knew just how cold it would be if I got out of bed and was completely awake, so the idea of leaving my toasty covers was that much more unpleasant.
The beeping continued (of course) so I had no choice but to get up and deal with it. I walked down the hall, got myself back up on the big chair, and prepared to murder the smoke detector. Looking at the warnings of electrical shock and seeing visions of myself tumbling from the chair were not good for my overall emotional state. I couldn't get the thing apart and I considered calling P. What he was going to do about it from his hotel room in another state, I don't know, but I wanted desperately to share my misery and frustration with someone. I refrained, however, and he was luckier than he knows.
I tried again to pry the back off and felt huge relief when it opened up enough to wiggle the battery out. Until the fucker beeped again in my hands. I looked over to where there was a candle sitting in the room and considered starting a fire so that the smoke detector would have something to fucking beep about.
Instead I went downstairs in search of a new battery. Thankfully, we had one. Back upstairs and back up on the chair, new battery in hand, I was set. The end was in sight. Except I couldn't get the battery in properly. The back wouldn't come all the way off, so I had to fidget with it quite a bit. I began to tear up with frustration as the detector beeped again and again in my hands.
Eventually, the battery popped in and I exhaled with relief at not being shocked or falling down or something. I stood there waiting and the beeping did not resume.
It's there, dangling from the ceiling, as I refuse to climb the chair again, but it's quiet.
Relieved, I went back to bed.
At 2am I woke up to a beeping sound. I opened up my eyes, but did not get out of bed. I waited for more beeps (just to make sure I hadn't been dreaming) and I was rewarded. I struggled up and out of bed to investigate, but decided to pee first. A girl has priorities, you know.
I discovered that it was one of our smoke detectors, and had to stand directly under three different ones and wait for a beep to determine which one it was. Very annoying under normal circumstances, much worse in the middle of the night. I found the beeping and pulled a tall bar chair up under it so that I could reach. I looked at the chair and knew it would be a bad idea to climb up on it, but I really had no choice if i wanted the beeping to stop (and good lord, did I want it to stop!) So I very, very carefully hauled my large pregnant self up onto the chair and attempted to remove the smoke detector.
Eventually it came away from the ceiling, but I couldn't get the back off to get the battery out and it was suspended from it's power source so I was still fiddling with it while standing on the chair. I became mad at P for being gone and leaving me to deal with this and I felt like crying as the damn thing beeped in my hands. Then it stopped. I stood on the chair for several minutes to be sure and then climbed down. I decided to pee one more time and I went back to bed.
Fifteen minutes later the beeping started up again. I pondered just leaving it. Maybe I could sleep through the beeps. I covered my head and found my pillow an insufficient barrier against sound. This time I knew just how cold it would be if I got out of bed and was completely awake, so the idea of leaving my toasty covers was that much more unpleasant.
The beeping continued (of course) so I had no choice but to get up and deal with it. I walked down the hall, got myself back up on the big chair, and prepared to murder the smoke detector. Looking at the warnings of electrical shock and seeing visions of myself tumbling from the chair were not good for my overall emotional state. I couldn't get the thing apart and I considered calling P. What he was going to do about it from his hotel room in another state, I don't know, but I wanted desperately to share my misery and frustration with someone. I refrained, however, and he was luckier than he knows.
I tried again to pry the back off and felt huge relief when it opened up enough to wiggle the battery out. Until the fucker beeped again in my hands. I looked over to where there was a candle sitting in the room and considered starting a fire so that the smoke detector would have something to fucking beep about.
Instead I went downstairs in search of a new battery. Thankfully, we had one. Back upstairs and back up on the chair, new battery in hand, I was set. The end was in sight. Except I couldn't get the battery in properly. The back wouldn't come all the way off, so I had to fidget with it quite a bit. I began to tear up with frustration as the detector beeped again and again in my hands.
Eventually, the battery popped in and I exhaled with relief at not being shocked or falling down or something. I stood there waiting and the beeping did not resume.
It's there, dangling from the ceiling, as I refuse to climb the chair again, but it's quiet.
Relieved, I went back to bed.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I'm Henry VIII, I am
37 weeks = nothing!
Some people would be bummed to see no progress at this point, but I'm happy that the baby is unlikely to come this weekend. Unless, of course, there is something to the whole full moon theory (as I understand it, the water usually breaks when you're already IN labor, but sometimes the pull of a full moon can make an already distended bag of waters, like you'd find in very late pregnancy, break before labor spontaneously begins.)
If we can just make it to the 1st, P will more likely than not be here in town and I can stop stressing about being here by myself.
Is it a bad sign or a good sign that your doctor, when you suggest any date after the first, suggests that the 3rd would be a good day because it's his birthday and a Saturday? Does he really want to come deliver a baby on his birthday weekend?
I think of things to write all the time but somehow I never get around to it and then I forget them.
Some people would be bummed to see no progress at this point, but I'm happy that the baby is unlikely to come this weekend. Unless, of course, there is something to the whole full moon theory (as I understand it, the water usually breaks when you're already IN labor, but sometimes the pull of a full moon can make an already distended bag of waters, like you'd find in very late pregnancy, break before labor spontaneously begins.)
If we can just make it to the 1st, P will more likely than not be here in town and I can stop stressing about being here by myself.
Is it a bad sign or a good sign that your doctor, when you suggest any date after the first, suggests that the 3rd would be a good day because it's his birthday and a Saturday? Does he really want to come deliver a baby on his birthday weekend?
I think of things to write all the time but somehow I never get around to it and then I forget them.
Monday, October 22, 2007
family update
Thanks for your concern about my family. Several people have been evacuated, but so far no property (that we know of) has been lost.
*Thinking of the displaced families, animals, and firefighters tonight.*
PSA: Have a family escape plan, it's not just important for natural disasters.
*Thinking of the displaced families, animals, and firefighters tonight.*
PSA: Have a family escape plan, it's not just important for natural disasters.
I do have more on that, but right now...
I'm tired. Just had another night where I spent several hours of it awake instead of sleeping. Not only does this deprive a body of rest, it deprives the mind of rest. And my mind needs it. Badly.
Here's a sampling of what I was thinking about when I should have been sleeping:
We spent more money on our nursery furniture than I was hoping to, though not excessively more, because we were impressed with the quality and safety standards the manufacturer adhered to. We just got started setting things up and we've discovered that the dresser is not level. It's not the floor, it's the dresser, and yes, I'm sure. I called the store I purchased from about this, but don't have resolution yet. In the meantime, I don't want to put things in the drawers because they tip forward. We could use shims to level it out, but for what we paid, I'd like the dresser itself to be level, please.
"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had, someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I Love you'..." (Rent)
The nursery is much smaller with furniture in it. So glad we only bought a crib and dresser because there isn't really room for anything else. A chair will be a challenge. Not that we have a chair because we couldn't buy one because I refused to put it on a credit card and...
There's a little family incident that is currently pissing me off. P did a nice thing for someone he's related to and made an online purchase on that individual's behalf (we do this frequently, as most of P's family is not computer-capable.) Then the person decided that they didn't want the item and told P to just sell it back (it was an ebay purchase.) So we've been out the cash for well over a month now as we tried to sort the problem out. Finally P just relisted the item, which did sell, but at a loss. I think that at the very least P and the family member ought to split the loss (truthfully, I think the person who wanted the item ought to take the whole loss, but that's not going to happen, so I figure it's just a costly life lesson.) I'm pretty sure though that we're taking the whole hit. While I'm glad to get part of the money back, I'm still pissed about the whole thing.
Wow, you can really feel the baby when she moves now that there's not really any room left. Sorry, kiddo, there's no room for me either. I usually keep my intestines much lower. Also, there is no exit on my left side, so please, please, stop heading there. I mean, if you're really set on staying transverse, fine, but know that you're not coming out on your own so OUCH, stop trying to find the door where there isn't one.
"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes..." (Rent)
My family is in San Diego and some have been evacuated due to the wildfires.
It is too hot here for October. I'm tired of being hot. I love my cats, but damn, they're hot to sleep with sometimes. Oh, and as I suspected, one has already located the changing pad on the baby's dresser and has great respect and deep love for it's comfy nap virtues.
I was hungry, but I didn't want to have two breakfasts, so I decided to wait. Plus I didn't want to go downstairs and wake the puppies. I finally got irritated enough with myself and decided to get up anyway. I had a bagel and a glass of juice and turned the tv on and then off and told one puppy to go back to sleep and then went back upstairs myself.
I still need to turn in my pre-admission paperwork to the hospital so I'm in the system and then have my chat with the nurse about my post-delivery preferences. Going to do the paperwork thing today, not looking forward to the nurse part though.
Insert a few more verses from the Rent soundtrack and you pretty much have my early-morning non-sleep experience. I eventually drifted back to sleep, briefly, until it was time for P to go to work. I spent the rest of my morning feeling disoriented and groggy.
Hoping tonight goes better.
Here's a sampling of what I was thinking about when I should have been sleeping:
We spent more money on our nursery furniture than I was hoping to, though not excessively more, because we were impressed with the quality and safety standards the manufacturer adhered to. We just got started setting things up and we've discovered that the dresser is not level. It's not the floor, it's the dresser, and yes, I'm sure. I called the store I purchased from about this, but don't have resolution yet. In the meantime, I don't want to put things in the drawers because they tip forward. We could use shims to level it out, but for what we paid, I'd like the dresser itself to be level, please.
"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had, someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I Love you'..." (Rent)
The nursery is much smaller with furniture in it. So glad we only bought a crib and dresser because there isn't really room for anything else. A chair will be a challenge. Not that we have a chair because we couldn't buy one because I refused to put it on a credit card and...
There's a little family incident that is currently pissing me off. P did a nice thing for someone he's related to and made an online purchase on that individual's behalf (we do this frequently, as most of P's family is not computer-capable.) Then the person decided that they didn't want the item and told P to just sell it back (it was an ebay purchase.) So we've been out the cash for well over a month now as we tried to sort the problem out. Finally P just relisted the item, which did sell, but at a loss. I think that at the very least P and the family member ought to split the loss (truthfully, I think the person who wanted the item ought to take the whole loss, but that's not going to happen, so I figure it's just a costly life lesson.) I'm pretty sure though that we're taking the whole hit. While I'm glad to get part of the money back, I'm still pissed about the whole thing.
Wow, you can really feel the baby when she moves now that there's not really any room left. Sorry, kiddo, there's no room for me either. I usually keep my intestines much lower. Also, there is no exit on my left side, so please, please, stop heading there. I mean, if you're really set on staying transverse, fine, but know that you're not coming out on your own so OUCH, stop trying to find the door where there isn't one.
"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes..." (Rent)
My family is in San Diego and some have been evacuated due to the wildfires.
It is too hot here for October. I'm tired of being hot. I love my cats, but damn, they're hot to sleep with sometimes. Oh, and as I suspected, one has already located the changing pad on the baby's dresser and has great respect and deep love for it's comfy nap virtues.
I was hungry, but I didn't want to have two breakfasts, so I decided to wait. Plus I didn't want to go downstairs and wake the puppies. I finally got irritated enough with myself and decided to get up anyway. I had a bagel and a glass of juice and turned the tv on and then off and told one puppy to go back to sleep and then went back upstairs myself.
I still need to turn in my pre-admission paperwork to the hospital so I'm in the system and then have my chat with the nurse about my post-delivery preferences. Going to do the paperwork thing today, not looking forward to the nurse part though.
Insert a few more verses from the Rent soundtrack and you pretty much have my early-morning non-sleep experience. I eventually drifted back to sleep, briefly, until it was time for P to go to work. I spent the rest of my morning feeling disoriented and groggy.
Hoping tonight goes better.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
36w = nothing.
For those people who keep saying "any time now," there is no change at all happening in my baby-expulsion area. Other than soreness, that is. No dropping, no dilating, very low-risk for having a baby this week.
My biggest delivery concern has become that I'll be alone for it. I don't want to get all into P's job, but the long and short of it is that while he has a very flexible schedule for the most part, there are some things that are non-negotiable (for example, the hospital tour day, the fact that he's been gone this week, and a couple other things that are still to come.) Not having my mom in the area for a back-up compounds the issue of aloneness.
So people insisting that the baby could come at any time now has really just been a stressor for me and it was a big relief to hear from my doctor that nothing's happening yet.
More to come on this topic...
My biggest delivery concern has become that I'll be alone for it. I don't want to get all into P's job, but the long and short of it is that while he has a very flexible schedule for the most part, there are some things that are non-negotiable (for example, the hospital tour day, the fact that he's been gone this week, and a couple other things that are still to come.) Not having my mom in the area for a back-up compounds the issue of aloneness.
So people insisting that the baby could come at any time now has really just been a stressor for me and it was a big relief to hear from my doctor that nothing's happening yet.
More to come on this topic...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
look what MY kid can do
I was so proud when, at my last appointment, we saw our little girl suck down some fluid and then show the doctor her practice breathing.
Genius? Show-off? Wonderful.
Genius? Show-off? Wonderful.
Friday, October 12, 2007
on tour
- P was not able to make the hospital tour, and I was the only person to show up without a husband or boyfriend. The lady giving the tour made me announce this to the group by asking really loudly if I was alone or if we were waiting on someone.
- The nurse walked much too quickly, given that all of us were within eight weeks of being due, and my pelvis was quite sore.
- The L&D rooms are nice, though the one she showed us, for some strange reason, had no bed (the others were all occupied.)
- We were not able to see the recovery/mom&baby area because they don't let people observe in that area in the evening. Yet they only schedule evening tours.
- We saw the nursery. While everyone was oohing and ahhing over the (two) brand-new babies in there, I felt awful. One baby was awake and lying there alone in her bin in a diaper and moving her mouth all around. It was clear to me that she ought to be with her mother and I was barely able to stop myself from tearing up. Hormones.
- It was explained to us that they "allow" the babies to stay in the L&D room with the mom for an hour before they take them to the nursery. For FOUR hours. I was the pain in the ass person who wouldn't let this go and kept asking why this was policy even for healthy babies and healthy moms.
- I did not get an answer I was happy with. So what if dads are "allowed" to go with the baby to the nursery? Who cares if I'd rather have him go with her than stay with me? Why on earth should I have to make that choice at all if we're all healthy?
- "So you're interested in non-separation?" the nurse asked me. Well, I hadn't really thought about it that way. I mean, I don't have a problem with her going to the nursery for some stuff (or lots of stuff, if it's medically necessary) but I just don't see the benefit of taking a newborn away from her mother for four hours when there's nothing wrong. One thing the nurse tried to bring up was temperature control, but as I understand it the best way for babies to get that down is skin-to-skin contact with mom. I mean, up until an hour before that, she'd have been living INSIDE of ME, so... Anyway, I was given the name and number of someone I need to work it out with if I don't want my baby taken away.
- It felt very polarizing, as though I was being forced to choose sides. Some of the other parents were looking at me as though I was dense or something and just couldn't understand what the lady was saying, but I did notice one other mom-to-be nodding. She thanked me after for asking my questions, which made me feel much better and much less crazy.
- After talking to the nurse one-on-one I liked her better (and I think she liked me better when I wasn't calling her out in front of the group) and I do like this hospital overall. The people I've met have all been very friendly and we know a couple of people who work there. It's five minutes from my house. My OB only delivers there, so unless I want to make some big changes (which I do not) I have to find a way to work within this system. Hopefully I'm able to do this to my satisfaction.
- I also like the level of security they have. (I'm sure my little girl will look just lovely with her little felon-lite ankle bracelet on!)
Monday, October 08, 2007
insomniac
I apologize. If I ever tried to sympathize with you about insomnia, I did mean it, but damn, I had no idea. Is this just how it's going to be until the end now? (and if you'd like to helpfully suggest that it's preparation for the baby, feel free to ingest your own pillow.) The notion that you're going insane is very very real. Last night I had the feeling that my insides were somehow separate from my outsides. I need a nap.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
solo
I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you, but I did a week later eventually call the hospital back and successfully made an appointment for a tour.
But then P learned that he had to go out of town the day before the tour and maybe, just maybe, if he drove really fast all day long, he'd be able to make it back here to NewCity with seconds to spare.
So I called the nice lady back and rescheduled for another day.
And then P told me that he just got word that he'll be gone for the entire week of the new appointment.
So I called the nice lady back again (apologetically and embarrassedly.) Too bad for us, there aren't any other slots open until November, which would be silly because when I go to the hospital in November I'll pretty much just want a place to give birth and even though we'll be bringing the camera, touring is just not what we had in mind.
So we're back to my original date, where P probably won't make it, but could. The very nice lady on the phone let me know that I could bring someone else, like my mom or my best friend and I thanked her and then got off the phone and cried. There isn't anyone else here. My mommy lives way far away and so does my best friend. When I'm on my own, I'm really on my own.
I was hoping upon hope that P would be able to make it to this appointment (he is really good about attending everything possible and while neither of us wanted to take a class, we both did want to take the tour.) I've probably made the whole thing more important than it is, but there you have it.
I now found out that his meeting has been pushed back later in the day and that there's no way for him to make it home in time. I'm for sure going alone and I hate it.
In the back of my mind I've been worried about October for a while now. I knew there were a few things he had to go to that would take him away and had been trying not to think about it. This little tour problem has made it impossible to ignore the fact that even with the most supportive, attentive, and conscientious husband, ultimately I could be on my own for the birth day. And I'm really sad about that. When we moved here it was supposed to be less travel, less time away from home, and it has been. Mostly. Timing just sucks right now. And I need to whine about it a little because I'm feeling depressed.
But then P learned that he had to go out of town the day before the tour and maybe, just maybe, if he drove really fast all day long, he'd be able to make it back here to NewCity with seconds to spare.
So I called the nice lady back and rescheduled for another day.
And then P told me that he just got word that he'll be gone for the entire week of the new appointment.
So I called the nice lady back again (apologetically and embarrassedly.) Too bad for us, there aren't any other slots open until November, which would be silly because when I go to the hospital in November I'll pretty much just want a place to give birth and even though we'll be bringing the camera, touring is just not what we had in mind.
So we're back to my original date, where P probably won't make it, but could. The very nice lady on the phone let me know that I could bring someone else, like my mom or my best friend and I thanked her and then got off the phone and cried. There isn't anyone else here. My mommy lives way far away and so does my best friend. When I'm on my own, I'm really on my own.
I was hoping upon hope that P would be able to make it to this appointment (he is really good about attending everything possible and while neither of us wanted to take a class, we both did want to take the tour.) I've probably made the whole thing more important than it is, but there you have it.
I now found out that his meeting has been pushed back later in the day and that there's no way for him to make it home in time. I'm for sure going alone and I hate it.
In the back of my mind I've been worried about October for a while now. I knew there were a few things he had to go to that would take him away and had been trying not to think about it. This little tour problem has made it impossible to ignore the fact that even with the most supportive, attentive, and conscientious husband, ultimately I could be on my own for the birth day. And I'm really sad about that. When we moved here it was supposed to be less travel, less time away from home, and it has been. Mostly. Timing just sucks right now. And I need to whine about it a little because I'm feeling depressed.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
three babies
Sometimes it feels like I have three distinctly different babies.
The first is the one I think about, imagine. This is a hypothetical baby, a concept. She's the one I've bought dresses for in big sizes because they've all been clearanced for the summer. When I've bought baby items in general, they've been for hypothetical baby (or for future gifts - I'm a sucker for a bargain!) When looking at cribs, I was thinking of the safety of hypothetical baby. Which stroller would be the most comfortable to ride in? I'm not sure that I could truly imagine our baby using these items. I think many of us have some form of hypothetical baby. Until we have an actual baby, we can really only imagine what our own baby will be like. Will it be a boy or girl? What's it's birthday? Will it look like us? Will it be easy? Cranky? Will it like me?
The second baby is the alien I feel in my uterus. I can call this baby my parasite and it doesn't feel mean. This is the being that grinds into my bladder, stretches big and tall and really enjoys pushing the limits of her environment. I see my stomach moving around, but I can't actually see a baby. It's really cool, but completely freaky. It's this baby that is the reason I can't bend. It's this baby that my mind connects to the constant reflux, and it's this baby when I vomit water in my mouth (love her? of course, but I don't picture her in a pretty outfit or playing with a toy. I picture my intestines and colon being compressed into the lung region!) This is probably the baby that is most real, only because it is difficult for my mind to disconnect from something kicking me. Even if it is coming from the inside.
The third baby is elusive. She is the actual baby that we will bring home. She is what we made from us. This is the baby who will receive a name we've (somewhat painfully) selected for her and who will live in the room that we're hard at work on. She's the one who needs diapers and is who everyone is so anxious to meet. She's the one her grandmas will not give up once they get their paws on her. She's going to be our daughter. She's not always going to be a baby - she will be a little girl and an adolescent and an adult and an old lady. As much as I can feel a baby moving and shifting and turning inside of me, this is the baby who will be the real one.
There are times when my babies collide.
Hypothetical baby in the crib becomes my actual baby as I feel the alien kick me and my dinner comes back to greet me and I think of the recent study showing a link between heartburn and hair.
Alien baby comes to life during ultrasounds and I can see her legs kicking me as I feel them kicking me, and I know she's not indigestion or a cat or something, and the doctor refers to the actual birth of this actual baby and even though I am able to speak clearly to him, my mind is a little fuzzy with the idea that it's all somehow related.
Even as my due date gets closer and things become more real and I'm more and more convinced that I'll be bringing home an actual, live baby, there's still some of that disconnect between what I feel in my body and what I know in my mind and what I feel with my heart.
I wonder if, on her birth day, this baby will become one whole as I am finally able to put the pieces together.
The first is the one I think about, imagine. This is a hypothetical baby, a concept. She's the one I've bought dresses for in big sizes because they've all been clearanced for the summer. When I've bought baby items in general, they've been for hypothetical baby (or for future gifts - I'm a sucker for a bargain!) When looking at cribs, I was thinking of the safety of hypothetical baby. Which stroller would be the most comfortable to ride in? I'm not sure that I could truly imagine our baby using these items. I think many of us have some form of hypothetical baby. Until we have an actual baby, we can really only imagine what our own baby will be like. Will it be a boy or girl? What's it's birthday? Will it look like us? Will it be easy? Cranky? Will it like me?
The second baby is the alien I feel in my uterus. I can call this baby my parasite and it doesn't feel mean. This is the being that grinds into my bladder, stretches big and tall and really enjoys pushing the limits of her environment. I see my stomach moving around, but I can't actually see a baby. It's really cool, but completely freaky. It's this baby that is the reason I can't bend. It's this baby that my mind connects to the constant reflux, and it's this baby when I vomit water in my mouth (love her? of course, but I don't picture her in a pretty outfit or playing with a toy. I picture my intestines and colon being compressed into the lung region!) This is probably the baby that is most real, only because it is difficult for my mind to disconnect from something kicking me. Even if it is coming from the inside.
The third baby is elusive. She is the actual baby that we will bring home. She is what we made from us. This is the baby who will receive a name we've (somewhat painfully) selected for her and who will live in the room that we're hard at work on. She's the one who needs diapers and is who everyone is so anxious to meet. She's the one her grandmas will not give up once they get their paws on her. She's going to be our daughter. She's not always going to be a baby - she will be a little girl and an adolescent and an adult and an old lady. As much as I can feel a baby moving and shifting and turning inside of me, this is the baby who will be the real one.
There are times when my babies collide.
Hypothetical baby in the crib becomes my actual baby as I feel the alien kick me and my dinner comes back to greet me and I think of the recent study showing a link between heartburn and hair.
Alien baby comes to life during ultrasounds and I can see her legs kicking me as I feel them kicking me, and I know she's not indigestion or a cat or something, and the doctor refers to the actual birth of this actual baby and even though I am able to speak clearly to him, my mind is a little fuzzy with the idea that it's all somehow related.
Even as my due date gets closer and things become more real and I'm more and more convinced that I'll be bringing home an actual, live baby, there's still some of that disconnect between what I feel in my body and what I know in my mind and what I feel with my heart.
I wonder if, on her birth day, this baby will become one whole as I am finally able to put the pieces together.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Of note
Item#1 - Thanks for the well-wishes. Being sick blows and I think I'm finally starting to kick this bug. That business about having a weaker immune system when pregnant rings true here. This head cold really kicked my ass! Stay healthy.
Item#2 - Mood swings/hormonal shifts fully in gear. Had a minor freak-out over a stroller this morning. I may or may not share the lunacy with you all at a later time. P thinks I've gone crazy, and I can't really disagree with him.
Item #3 - As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about the baby. I found myself wondering what it will sound like when she laughs. Just imagining it... indescribable.
Item#2 - Mood swings/hormonal shifts fully in gear. Had a minor freak-out over a stroller this morning. I may or may not share the lunacy with you all at a later time. P thinks I've gone crazy, and I can't really disagree with him.
Item #3 - As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about the baby. I found myself wondering what it will sound like when she laughs. Just imagining it... indescribable.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
sick
i had a slight sore throat that has turned into a miserable cold. i've spent the better part of the last four days on the couch. i was sick at the beginning of this pregnancy and didn't want to take anything and was able to make it through without. all this time, nothing byt tylenol for the occasional headache. yesterday i had to take a benadryl so i could rest and i felt really guilty. i took another when i went to bed and worried about the baby. i know it's ok because i've already gotten the ok on benadryl, but i still hated to take anything. odd for a person who is generally quite happy to take anything that will help. i'm probably getting dehydrated, but i can't seem to help it. anyway, i feel like absolute crap.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
putting the "ass" in embarrassed
Here's why I dislike "just leaving a message," particularly for businesses:
1. I have no way of knowing if they got the message or if they really do intend to return my call. I suspect I'm not as important as they've lead me to believe.
2. If I do not receive a return call, how long am I supposed to wait before calling again?
3. I prefer to speak with a human.
4. When put on the spot, I sometimes space on my phone number (when I know I'll need to give it, I often have it written down ahead of time.)
***
I've been trying to schedule a L&D tour at my local hospital for two (three?) weeks now, but no one is answering the phone. I didn't want to leave a message for the reasons listed above, but finally, today, I decided that due to TIME RUNNING OUT, I'd better just suck it up and leave the message and hope for the best. After being reassured how important I was, I was given a long list of details to include in the message (and though I can remember them now, here, quite clearly, I began to panic a little at the thought of remembering them all once the exceptionally long recording gave me the opportunity.)
I heard the beep.
I said my full name.
And choked on my phone number, felt like an asshole, and hung up without leaving the rest of my message.
I'm pretty sure it went like this, "Hi, my name is Twirl. My phone number is.... wow, I can't remember my phone number." Click.
So now I have NOT scheduled my tour, I have NOT left a (returnable) message, and I feel like much too big an ass to call back anytime soon. I get it that it's not the end of the world or the biggest deal ever, but why couldn't someone just answer the phone?
1. I have no way of knowing if they got the message or if they really do intend to return my call. I suspect I'm not as important as they've lead me to believe.
2. If I do not receive a return call, how long am I supposed to wait before calling again?
3. I prefer to speak with a human.
4. When put on the spot, I sometimes space on my phone number (when I know I'll need to give it, I often have it written down ahead of time.)
***
I've been trying to schedule a L&D tour at my local hospital for two (three?) weeks now, but no one is answering the phone. I didn't want to leave a message for the reasons listed above, but finally, today, I decided that due to TIME RUNNING OUT, I'd better just suck it up and leave the message and hope for the best. After being reassured how important I was, I was given a long list of details to include in the message (and though I can remember them now, here, quite clearly, I began to panic a little at the thought of remembering them all once the exceptionally long recording gave me the opportunity.)
I heard the beep.
I said my full name.
And choked on my phone number, felt like an asshole, and hung up without leaving the rest of my message.
I'm pretty sure it went like this, "Hi, my name is Twirl. My phone number is.... wow, I can't remember my phone number." Click.
So now I have NOT scheduled my tour, I have NOT left a (returnable) message, and I feel like much too big an ass to call back anytime soon. I get it that it's not the end of the world or the biggest deal ever, but why couldn't someone just answer the phone?
Saturday, September 15, 2007
I'm looking at you, too.
We were walking through the hospital and P pointed out that a particular nurse was kind of staring at me oddly. Naturally, I wondered why.
According to P, I had no big booger, TP on my shoe, tags sticking out, or giant spots of food on my shirt, so I really don't know why the odd stare.
Sometimes, just walking through the grocery store or something, I think that there must be an infertile person who is hurt by seeing me pregnant. It is on those days that I wish I had a sign that read, "it took four years! and a relaxing vacation never helped!" but then I realize that it wouldn't matter. Four years, four months, whatever, I still have something that someone else doesn't have, can't have, and I know how that feels. I wish I could make it better. I wish everyone was this lucky. I wish...
According to P, I had no big booger, TP on my shoe, tags sticking out, or giant spots of food on my shirt, so I really don't know why the odd stare.
Sometimes, just walking through the grocery store or something, I think that there must be an infertile person who is hurt by seeing me pregnant. It is on those days that I wish I had a sign that read, "it took four years! and a relaxing vacation never helped!" but then I realize that it wouldn't matter. Four years, four months, whatever, I still have something that someone else doesn't have, can't have, and I know how that feels. I wish I could make it better. I wish everyone was this lucky. I wish...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
We *heart* NY
We're going to be a little busy this coming anniversary, so we decided to go on a trip a bit early and call it an anniversary/"babymoon"/last two-person hurrah for a good long while. We had a gorgeous room at the Ritz-Carlton, New York, Battery Park. When we arrived at our hotel, we were upgraded to a corner suite with a fantastic view of new york harbor on one side and the city on the other:
Did you know that you can take a picture through a telescope? (that was in the room already! what a great toy to include!)
We're going to have to wait on our traditional champagne toast (where we, um, drink the whole bottle like the night we got engaged) but we had a fantastic time just being together with no distractions.
Did you know that you can take a picture through a telescope? (that was in the room already! what a great toy to include!)
We're going to have to wait on our traditional champagne toast (where we, um, drink the whole bottle like the night we got engaged) but we had a fantastic time just being together with no distractions.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
maybe she reads my blog
I ran into a woman at BRU who was shopping for her six month old daughter. The baby kept staring at me so I said hello and smiled at her and told her that she had a lovely bib. Mom and I chatted for a few minutes and then parted ways. About 45 minutes later I was in Target looking at bumbo seats and saw the same mom. Again we talked for a minute and then parted ways. It was a neat coincidence and left me wishing I had thought to ask her for her phone number or something but it didn't occur to me at the time and I'm not really sure that's appropriate anyway. Is it? Sometimes I feel so incredibly socially inept.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
We coulda picked a boy's name, easy.
Naming a baby is hard.
I've named every doll or stuffed animal I've ever owned (and am still the proud owner of Jennifer, Kimberly, and possibly Lisa, who reside in a box. somewhere.) I used to play school (mostly by myself) and pretend to be the teacher. I had an old log book where I'd have full names listed for my 32 students. I selected the names for each of our pets.
I've always loved names. I like letters and I like seeing how things look and sound and flow. I have the name book that my mom used to select my name and my brother's name. I like seeing what she highlighted but didn't end up picking.
Like most girls who were born in the 70s, I knew (know) my fair share of Jennifers, Melissas, and Sarahs. Even though I didn't have a top 10 name, it was common enough and I loathed being "Twirl LastInitial" in school. My name is unisex and it was a pain to be "theGirlTwirl" in class. My mom spelled my name in a less common way, and so I had that to correct that as well. On one of my name plates (you know, the things taped to the desk) my teacher added an extra letter to the end of my name and when I corrected her, she colored over the letter and made it into a house. I liked that even less than my last initial.
I used to want to change my name (to, um, Morgan Fairchild, which I thought sounded lovely even though I had no idea who she was at the time.) I have since legally added the extra letter to my name to make it the most common spelling. I like how it looks now and I correct people much less frequently.
I think about these things a lot when considering a name for my daughter. I'm committed to the most common spelling of any name and roll my eyes at the "creative" spellers (so sorry mom, I know you thought it was pretty!) Among my top 20 names, there was only one gender neutral name. Would she care if she ran into a boy with the same name? I used the SSA list as a starting point for name gathering and, much to the irritation of helpful-name-suggesters, have refused to consider anything in the top 20. Would she care if she had to use her last initial? I've pored over popularity ratings and trends for each name I've considered, trying to determine if what I'm thinking of will become "the next jennifer/madison/emily."
P thinks I'm nuts. I took the top 1000 for 2006 and began eliminating. I whittled the list down to 50 or so before I let P begin eliminating. He got us down to 20. From there, I've had a list on the fridge since we found out she was a girl. I've liked mulling over the possibilities. People ask if we have a name yet and seem surprised when I tell them that I'm just enjoying the process of choosing. They usually smile at me and say, "you have time" or "well, some people don't decide until the baby is born" or something like that because they don't believe me that I don't want to rush the decision.
I've let P do most of the crossing off since the original list was mine to begin with. I think we're down to three now. As much as I've enjoyed thinking about this, I'm ready to have a name selected. I'm feeling a little panicked that there isn't one clear winner standing out yet. I know it works for some people, but I don't want to take a list into the delivery room with me. But I want to love what we pick and so I'm second-guessing myself on the final three. I want it to be right.
If I loved one of them, wouldn't I know? Or is it something you can grow into?
I could totally ramble on about this for many more paragraphs (initials! nicknames! my love affair with the letter A!) than you'd probably care to read. I may have already. I really ought to just. stop. typing.
Ridiculously obvious conclusion of the day: The reality of naming a human is much more complicated than naming a doll or a pet or an imaginary classroom of students.
I've named every doll or stuffed animal I've ever owned (and am still the proud owner of Jennifer, Kimberly, and possibly Lisa, who reside in a box. somewhere.) I used to play school (mostly by myself) and pretend to be the teacher. I had an old log book where I'd have full names listed for my 32 students. I selected the names for each of our pets.
I've always loved names. I like letters and I like seeing how things look and sound and flow. I have the name book that my mom used to select my name and my brother's name. I like seeing what she highlighted but didn't end up picking.
Like most girls who were born in the 70s, I knew (know) my fair share of Jennifers, Melissas, and Sarahs. Even though I didn't have a top 10 name, it was common enough and I loathed being "Twirl LastInitial" in school. My name is unisex and it was a pain to be "theGirlTwirl" in class. My mom spelled my name in a less common way, and so I had that to correct that as well. On one of my name plates (you know, the things taped to the desk) my teacher added an extra letter to the end of my name and when I corrected her, she colored over the letter and made it into a house. I liked that even less than my last initial.
I used to want to change my name (to, um, Morgan Fairchild, which I thought sounded lovely even though I had no idea who she was at the time.) I have since legally added the extra letter to my name to make it the most common spelling. I like how it looks now and I correct people much less frequently.
I think about these things a lot when considering a name for my daughter. I'm committed to the most common spelling of any name and roll my eyes at the "creative" spellers (so sorry mom, I know you thought it was pretty!) Among my top 20 names, there was only one gender neutral name. Would she care if she ran into a boy with the same name? I used the SSA list as a starting point for name gathering and, much to the irritation of helpful-name-suggesters, have refused to consider anything in the top 20. Would she care if she had to use her last initial? I've pored over popularity ratings and trends for each name I've considered, trying to determine if what I'm thinking of will become "the next jennifer/madison/emily."
P thinks I'm nuts. I took the top 1000 for 2006 and began eliminating. I whittled the list down to 50 or so before I let P begin eliminating. He got us down to 20. From there, I've had a list on the fridge since we found out she was a girl. I've liked mulling over the possibilities. People ask if we have a name yet and seem surprised when I tell them that I'm just enjoying the process of choosing. They usually smile at me and say, "you have time" or "well, some people don't decide until the baby is born" or something like that because they don't believe me that I don't want to rush the decision.
I've let P do most of the crossing off since the original list was mine to begin with. I think we're down to three now. As much as I've enjoyed thinking about this, I'm ready to have a name selected. I'm feeling a little panicked that there isn't one clear winner standing out yet. I know it works for some people, but I don't want to take a list into the delivery room with me. But I want to love what we pick and so I'm second-guessing myself on the final three. I want it to be right.
If I loved one of them, wouldn't I know? Or is it something you can grow into?
I could totally ramble on about this for many more paragraphs (initials! nicknames! my love affair with the letter A!) than you'd probably care to read. I may have already. I really ought to just. stop. typing.
Ridiculously obvious conclusion of the day: The reality of naming a human is much more complicated than naming a doll or a pet or an imaginary classroom of students.
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