In which I do not pray to pass out

As much as I loathe bcps, having a period on them is a dream. No shooting pains down my legs, no enormous clots, no searing misery in my ute or back. Not even a tylenol required. Ah, the good ole days.

only crazy people post here

While I wait patiently with clean white panties for day 1, I've been reading various message boards to get me back in a treatment frame of mind. When I'm not cycling, I try to stay away from these places because they usually depress me. I end up feeling like a failure because not only can I not "just" have sex and "just" get pregnant, I can't even "just" try.

While I try to comment on people's blogs, I haven't been a participant on any message board for a couple years now. (years? that's depressing.) (Seeing all my new friends "graduate" (UGH) was demoralizing and it seemed to make everyone uncomfortable. You've been there.) I do still lurk in a few places. Sometimes it's for actual info, sometimes for the feeling that there's someone else out there (even if they don't know that I'm reading their words) and sometimes it's just to laugh a little at the insane questions that other people ask (I probably wouldn't laugh at them in person. I think.)

For me, reading around puts me in a treatment frame of mind. I see questions about *gasp* giving yourself shots! in the stomach! It's good for me because I remember that I can do it. And not freak out. I see questions about clomid and I give thanks that I know for sure that I will never take that drug again. Ever.

Of course, reading message boards is also an excellent way to get irritated. If you've been there, done that for at least, say, a half hour, you know that 5dpo! is too early to test. Even if your boobs are sore! Even if your mouth tastes like a penny! Even if you feel that suspicious tugging below your bellybutton! You know that spotting on 8dpo does not mean Implantation! It could be! My temp dipped! Do I still have a chance? What if I fly to Hawaii and eat a bunch of fresh pineapples?

One word that I'm starting to get annoyed with is "swimmers." As in, "There's no problem with me at all, but I'm taking such and such to make more targets for DH's swimmers." Gag. Never used to bother me, but now it just sounds teenage girlish and lame. (sorry) SPERM SPERM SPERM. Your "DH" has SPERM. Not "spermies." Do you all "do it" with his "thing" too?

I get it that people all have different levels of comfort about these things, so I understand that some people need to communicate using euphemisms and cutesy glitter babydust words in order to feel okay with the subject matter. I know I'm poking at it, but I really do understand this.

But you see, I'm waiting for my visit, you know, from my aunt, the red witch, and pills make me cranky, and so, it seems, does stopping them, and I have these hooligan puppies to take care of, and I just wanted to write a paragraph about SPERMIES and well, this post happened. Scary.

Puppies: Up is much easier

Attempt...



Ok, maybe not this way.



We'll go together.



She wins!

Puppies: Going down the deck stairs is a bitch

The puppies really don't like being left behind. No one better dare take a single puppy down to the grass to go potty. The other pitches a fit at being separated.

However.

They cannot navigate down the deck stairs yet. It's a big struggle. Boy will try, but he gets about half way down and then gravity pulls his chubby self to the grass below. Girl just sits at the top and whines until someone helps her down.

did that really just happen?

did she actually tell me that the cysts were gone? that my chatty ovaries had gone quiet? that I could quit taking devilpills?

yes, I believe she did.

Injectables for the insane

I went to sleep last night feeling awful (actually, I went to sleep facedown on the carpet in the living room and woke up with stray grass on my shirt-- damn puppies!) I made my way to bed and had a crap night's sleep. Right before I woke up (the last time) I had a dream that I was at the RE's and I was getting injected with my Chinese baby named Charlotte. I wonder what gauge needle you'd use for something like that? I may have a fever. Thermometer? Bah.

Cyst check tomorrow. Please, please, let them be small enough to quit the pill.

Introducing...

"Girl" (red collar)



"Boy" (blue collar)



"Them"





My Very Favorite Time of Day:

P hears from an Old Friend, and I get kicked in the ute

Here's the gist of why yesterday kinda sucked for me:


Dear Old Friend,

Just wanted to say hey. I'm here in NewCity now. Twirl and I were able to get a nice house and a couple of golden retriever puppies. What have you been up to? Still hear from any of our other friends?

P

***

P,

Hey! That's a great state to live in because I'm from there. My wife and I had a baby girl this spring (pics attatched) and named her one of the most popular names in the last five years. Our Other Friend also had a kid last winter. Those are cool dogs to have; I had one when I was a kid.

Old Friend

***

Usually I'm not terribly bothered by other people having babies. Especially when, from my high horse, I have deemed the couple worthy of procreation. All of these people have good jobs and have been married long enough and floss every day and use their turn signals. Nothing at all against them, happy for them, blah, blah, blah.

I think what made me cry was the idea that this guy was telling P about his child, and P was saying, "Well, we just got two puppies." Like there is any comparison other than no one has gotten any sleep at all lately.

P tries to console me by reminding me that we're trying and we're doing everything we can. Swallowing bcps each day does not feel like trying to me, but he'll come back with something stupid and logical like reminding me that I need to take them to shrink my ovaries back to human size so I say nothing.

Some days doing "everything you can" is just not good enough. But hey, it's ok- we have puppies.

(Oh, and this is also my way of telling you all that we have two new puppies.)

In my backyard

The city girl in me is still in awe of such things.





I don't live in a rural area, but none of my neighbors have fences and there are tons of trees backing our property.

notes from last cycle

When a toddler witnesses an injection

Niece #2: Aunt Twirl, did you hurt your belly button?

(age 2.5)

weathering the storm

Well, at least it wasn't my house that got hit by lightening!

thank you,

but I grew some big fucking cysts.

I won't be passing go this cycle, but I will be shrinking the bastards with bcps.

On the upside, I get to wait to take them because they want to do a beta anyway. As I bleed out on the effing dildocam like I'm Carrie or something and ponder which drugs would best ease the massive backache. Yeah, I might be pregnant. I'll wait on the edge of my bloody seat for that phone call.

timing isn't everything

So much for the perfect cycle.

If you feel like it, how about hoping for me that I have no cysts left over? (hope, but don't bet on it.)

Probably not interesting, but I have to get it out!

I watch Big Brother every summer.

There, now you know. I'm glad to have TiVo so that we never miss a show since the damn thing airs three times each week.

With P being gone, I haven't had anyone to watch with and no one I know watches so I have no one to bitch to about what's happening.

Last summer, like most people who watched, I rooted for the Sov6 (or sov4) alliance to beat the Friendship. Not because I'm in love with any of them (as some rabid fans apparently are) but because they were getting trounced by the more unlikeable opposing alliance.

I think too many season 6 people came back for allstars. It's not fun watching the same people win over and over again (no matter who it is) because it doesn't feel like a game anymore. I find myself hoping each week that someone else will win and even out the numbers a little. I'd like to see a little more competition.

So there. There's my confession and my rant. Back to real life.

Infecting the masses with order, one man at a time

After spending July in a hotel room (alone, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty when I visited!) P is getting ready to come home. When I visited, my glasses vanished. (I pretty much only wear them for night driving, but absolutely dread the idea of selecting a new pair.)


P: I found your glasses.

Twirl: You did! Where?

P: Next to the bed.

Twirl: They must have fallen out of my suitcase.

P: I was straightening up the room and gathering my things together for when I come home.

Twirl: In advance? I'm so proud of you!

One more (serious) thing

I think everyone who possibly can ought to see the Holocaust Memorial Museum at least once. It's not a "fun" tour, but I think it's an important one. How anyone can deny the reality or the extent of the holocaust is truly outside the realm of my understanding.

Observations from our nation's capital

It's freakin HOT here.

***

When you take antibiotics that recommend you stay out of the sun, do it. As a person who already burns through sunscreen, I must have been suffering from heat brain to listen to my husband when he said we wouldn't be in the sun for very long.

Nothing is "just a little farther. Maybe a half a mile."

***

The fact that they have "taxation without representation" on their license plates makes me giggle. History geek.

***

I had never been to DC before this weekend adventure. A west coast girl, I had only been as far as an airport transfer. There's SO much to see! I was exhausted after the first day, but there was always another monument beckoning. I knew that I was tired to begin with so I tried to tell myself that it was fine if we didn't get to see everything we wanted this trip and that the museums and such aren't going anywhere.

The second day we visited the National Archives (a welcome rest from miles of walking in the sun!) Seeing the actual Declaration of Independence and Constitution was amazing. Plus they have a Magna Carta (there are something like 12 of these, only one of which is in the US) and do you realize how OLD that thing is?

If you think looking at old paper (and sometimes not-paper) you can barely read is dull, there are many other displays that you might find more interesting. There was everything from the land deed for the Louisiana purchase to the camera that the Zapruder film was shot with, (and it has the FBI tag still on it!) the investigation into the sinking of the Titanic, photos of young presidents, and the Zimmerman telegram. Original artwork, photographs, and film footage are everywhere. There are all sorts of visual/audio/interactive displays that would appeal to different types of learners. One of the best things I heard was a teenager say to her friend, "I have to make my parents come here. This is so awesome!" If you're interested in anything at all related to American history, there's something there for you. I had a great time and I know I didn't see everything!

***

I told P that the Washington Monument looked like a penis. Apparently he had never considered that, and so every time we saw it (and when do you NOT see it in this city?) he'd say something as innocent as "there IT is" and we'd laugh like we were the first people ever to say that. Who doesn't like a good running penis joke? Fun. Plus, you can then inflate your husband's ego by referring to his penis as a monument. You know, if such a thing occurred to you.

***

Cabbies here are just as crazy here as anywhere else. I think one of my favorite lines was, "Here's another one. She too is suffering from claustrophobia. She will not stay to the side and MOVE OUT OF THE WAY with the large car she cannot control." That was on the heels of him rolling down the window to make a rude gesture to a limo driver who made a lovely one in return. He then chatted with us about Shakespeare (we were headed to see Love's Labor's Lost) and he said that he did not like Shakespeare's philosophies.

P: Like what?
Cabbie: For example, "To live or not to live." That is just stupid. If things are not going your way you give up your life and drop everything and commit suicide? Idiot philosophy.

He also had some "interesting" political views. I will not go into them because I dislike political debates. I was, however, very grateful for my sunglasses, as I could then avoid eye contact and keep out of the discussion.

***

LOVE this:

Overheard at the Lincoln memorial:

"Dad, was Lincoln really that big?"

I was ovulating at my IUI appointment (and other fancy stuff)

The nurse that did my u/s showed me the follicles that were still on my right ovary. Actually, I think she used the dildocam to push my ovary back next to my right kidney, but the masochist in me liked the pain a little. It was like confirmation that I really did get swollen, multiple-follicle-producing ovaries and that there wasn't some mix-up after all. So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so then we had a look at the left ovary and I was ovulating (or had just very recently ovulated) right there. Pretty good, timing-wise.

I haven't had a completed treatment cycle in months. It amazes me that we did it this time. Other than P being out of town and having to use frozen sperm, there was not a single thing that went wrong. I only had to adjust my meds once. I did not get lost going to the office. Good response, good lining, good sperm sample. No one made me cry. I did not over/under-produce and get canceled. P's sample did not get lost/destroyed/given to another woman in a creepy tv plot. I'm not used to not being a problem case.

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm just happy to have gotten through this so we can keep moving forward. I'm trying to tell myself that the outcome isn't important for this particular cycle. Of course that's a lie. The truth is that it's really difficult not to get my hopes up. Why do this at all if you're not hoping for a child at the end? So there, I'm feeling hopeful today and if there has to be a letdown, it'll have to be later.

wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles

I made it to trigger. I did not make too many follicles. I did not make too few. My body actually did what the doctor "likes to see." Simply amazing!

I have some very unattractive belly bruising and I'm exhausted, but I'll take it.

The gonal-f pen is my new hooker not cheap, but sooo easy to use.

Thanks for all the well-wishes!

I increased today, with another check this weekend. I'm not asking for my numbers yet so that I can't obsess over them. Minor bruising, mild headaches, and I'm kinda tired already, (seriously?!) but nothing bad so far.

I have some guests coming this weekend and I'm looking forward to it (even though my house isn't "done" yet and I'm a little type-a about that kind of thing. horrified that there are temp shades up in the guest room and all...) It'll be nice to have some company while P is away, but I'm sure after a few days I'll be done with having all those people around. I'm used to being alone, and I'm having two adults and three children stay with me. I love them, but you can all add this to the list of things that prove I'm insane!