how did we get here?

I don't make friends easily. I've moved a lot as a child and as an adult. I worked full time through college and didn't join anything so I graduated without any real friends. I've had work friends, and they were all "good friends" at the time, but those who have not dropped off are spread over several states. Sometimes I dropped the ball, sometimes they did, sometimes there was no reason at all.

M- I feel like our friendship ended because of money. I didn't mind helping you out, really. And if you had said that you couldn't pay me back, I'd rather have had the friend than the money (and at the time, we were both so poor. What was it? $70?) Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe with your new fiance, I didn't really fit in your life anymore. In any case, we went through a lot together with working with the closet dom Alice, taking turns coming in late to work and buying breakfast, catching your cheating exhusband on the internet, and making up fake lives and getting guys to buy us drinks and then beating them at pool. I don't know where you are now, but I wish I did.

E- I think I may have found where you work now. It's been several years, but you wouldn't mind if I emailed you, would you? What if in addition to asking you how you were and what you were up to I also asked you for a reference letter? Is it lame to google your old friends? Is it lame that I feel scared to call you up? I kind of think so, but...

J- I think our friendship was meant to end. I really needed someone then and you were like a big sister to me. I did feel sort of competitive and being around you made me feel like a prude in some ways. I think that some of the choices I made might not have happened if I hadn't been trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. Still, you were there for me when I needed you (especially on scary alcohol poisoning night. Thank you.) and I'll always remember that about you. You're a good person and if I run into you again (and I just might) I'd love to get lunch.

L- I thought you were so cool. You wore purple Adidas all-stars to work and I wanted some so bad. I got a white roxy sweatshirt and wore it to work even though it's brainless to wear an expensive white sweatshirt to work when you work with small children. We were at really different places in our personal lives, but we had fun while it lasted (OMG, I just remembered the fun we had with the crossdressers J's bachelorette party!) I wish you the best of luck in your new profession.

D- Girl, stop sending me email forwards and give me a call! I gave you my number, but I don't have yours, so it's up to you. And if you're not gonna call, stop saying you are. But I feel like I can't really say that since we've spoken so infrequently lately and with your miscarriage and your dog dying, I don't want to be bitchy about the little stuff. I hope you'reok, and I know we'll talk soon.

A- I didn't see this coming. After the way we bonded in misery I thought we'd be friends for much longer than we were. Clearly, I was mistaken. Did I always misread the situation? I knew you had other mom friends that you hung out with, but you always talked about them in such a surface-y way that I always had the impression that it was just about the kids. Would things have turned out differently if I had been able to get pregnant? Did you not want to hang out with us because we had no kids? Did you not want to leave your child with us because we don't have a child? That's kind of what it felt like there at the end. You can't imagine the pain that idea causes an infertile couple. I gave you so much of my time, energy, and emotion there when you were struggling in your marriage. I was there for you and so was P. We stood behind you and never judged you for your choices. I don't think you can say that about many other people who know what happened. My grandma thinks you made your choice and are too embarrassed to be my friend now that I know all about your dirty laundry. Maybe that's true. If it is, I think that's really sad. I thought we were better friends than that. I feel like you put me last over and over again and february was the last straw. You made plans and broke them and you either let your child run the show or you were using her as an excuse. I wish things didn't end up the way they did then, but they did. There had to be more reason than that one day for you to fall out of touch, but I wish you would have told me. I don't know how to fix what I don't know about. I don't know if I should try to fix what bothered me.

C, W, P- I don't have many friends. I'm very grateful for the ones I have. Putting up with me must be a huge challenge. I love you.