How you know if it's a date (parental edition)

1.  There is no baby at the table, so you are free to place your silverware, glasses, menus, napkins, salt & pepper shakers, and plates wherever you like.  Even directly in front of you.

2.  Anything dropped on the floor is your own fault.  You do not bend down repeatedly to pick up a stuffed cow.  In fact, you didn't even bring a stuffed cow.

3.  You do not ask the waiter for a plastic cup, empty please, and a couple extra straws.

4.  You have to stop at the ATM for cash.  And it's not for you.

5.  You shaved one half of one leg.  And feel pretty.

how do i get past this?

I have some very bad-hurt feelings about something that has happened recently.

To my face, P's parents backed me up/supported me on something that happened to me but then behind my back (to P and to someone else) said something entirely different (blaming the situation on me, and a related situation on my mom.)

I know that's not at all clear, but it's a long story and I don't know how to tell it and then get to the point.  Which is this:  These people, for better or for worse, are now my family.  I WILL have to see them and interact with them in the future.  But every time I think about this thing, I get mad/sad/hurt/pissed/betrayed all over again.  How do I sit on their couch and chat or answer the phone or... knowing how they really feel?  

-I don't especially want to have it out with them, as I suspect they will not change their minds on this one so it wouldn't really do any good.  Not to mention that they could just lie to me like before and nothing would be resolved anyway.

-I can't have P talk to them because he doesn't really get why it bothers me so much (that's a whole other (heartbreaking) topic) and though he now sees it from my POV (or at least he says he does) there was a time where he didn't and was more in agreement with his parents.  I'm guessing his true feelings lie somewhere in the middle.

-I don't see another way out other than to just get over it and play nice.  I just wish I knew how to do that.

I'm sure this all makes very little (if any!) sense, but I had to get it out.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about it who isn't involved or invested in some way.  The situation itself makes me want to cry, but then add the "family response" part to it, and I'm just having a really hard time. 

Sprung!

My Little guy came home today!  I wasn't expecting it at all.  I was thinking tomorrow, maybe, unless we determined he needed surgery (which he still might, but not for now.)  He's peeing on his own and he's been off catheter for over 12 hours now.  Exciting stuff.  I have to bring him in tomorrow for a bladder check just to make sure he's still ok.  

The home-care part is a lot of work!  He has to take three pills two times per day.  That's SIX pills.  Have you ever given your cat six pills in one day?  I wish it was a shot!  He also must eat special food (he hasn't had one bite - I measured!) and he has his own box (for now, just so I can monitor his output apart from the Big Kitty) so he's shut up in our room/bathroom by himself.  At least it's familiar.  At the vet's they said he was a sweetheart but very nervous.  I could tell.  I visited him for an hour every day and he jumped every time a drawer was shut in another room!  They put him as far away from the dogs as possible, but there's nothing comforting about being at the hospital, even for a cat.

I can tell he wants to prowl around the house, but I want him where I can find him easily and monitor his activities.  Hopefully he'll just rest and eat.

Another interesting (or not) tidbit - while I was gone Birdie had a poopy diaper.  It's the first one P has had to deal with since we switched to cloth (yeah, in April!) and he texted me to tell me about it.  Being a parent is awesome!

"How's the kitty?"

He's very sick, but we're just waiting. He has a good shot, but he's not exactly on the way to better yet. If that makes any sense.

It doesn't.

Oh. Sorry.

What was the matter with him anyway?

He's "blocked."

Um, ok, and that means what?

It means he has/had "sand" (debris/crystals) in his bladder and it's clogging his urethra when he tries to pee. This is very painful and if not discovered within 24-48 hours can be fatal.

Wow. How did you know that he was blocked then?

A couple weeks ago there were pee drops on the floor. I thought they needed a new litter box, so we did that and I thought the problem went away. Then, Monday afternoon I stepped on something damp and saw that we had pee dirbble again. Damn. So I planned to call the vet the next morning (it was nearly 5.) I went to my bathroom and saw on the light colored tile a tiny spot of blood. So I walked the rooms that the kitties frequent and discovered a few other drops that I'd overlooked. I decided to call the vet right then.

They asked me a few questions and told me to bring him in IMMEDIATELY.

Did they really speak in capital letters?

Yes.

That's strange. Why?

Well, the male urethra is very narrow and easily blocked. The blood is a bad sign. If a cat strains and is unable to urinate, his bladder will fill up.

I have a full bladder all the time. What's so scary about that?

Well, if he can't empty it, it will become toxic. Then the kidneys will stop bothering to make urine because there's no place for it to go.

Oh, I see. What do they do for that?

Well, step one was to unblock him. They did this while sedated and with a catheter. He then got a ton of antibiotics and painkillers. Then they waited to see how he was, took the catheter out to see if he was better. He did well, peed right away.

Then why is he still sick?

Because they watch the kitty for 12 hours to make sure he doesn't re-block. My guy failed this test. He re-blocked and they had to put the catheter back in. There's still stuff in his bladder and without the catheter it would keep blocking his urethra.

Can you wrap this up please? You're saying "urethra" a lot.

Ok, I have to go anyway because Birdie is waking up. I'll finish this later. Come back to read about a very very awful Plan C (it will make your husband cringe.)

plea

I've been a bad blogger. A bad internet friend. I've hardly posted and rarely commented. But I'm going to ask you for a favor now.

The kitten (ok, so he's 3, but he's still my baby) is very sick and in the kitty hospital. If there's anyone still reading, please, please, please would you pray/think happy thoughts/direct good vibes/anything his way? Please? He's Birdie's favorite pet and he sleeps by my head and he chases flies and knocks over his water bowl every time and I love him.

I get to visit him this afternoon, so more about that and what's wrong with him later.

back to mac

Ok, so it's been about a hundred years since I've used a mac (ok, maybe just since college, but it feels like... anyway.) and now I have one again!

For any of you mac users out there, I have a software question:

Do you use pages 08 (iwork) or microsoft word (for mac) for your word processing?  Why, and what do you like/dislike?

Even so, I'll still keep wondering

At my six-week appointment, my doctor asked the usual question about birth control. And I gave him the usual IF answer of, "well, we thought we'd go ahead and not give a bunch of money to Dr. S and shoot up a whole bunch of times and mix our gametes in a dish..." He, of course, had to remind me that it can and does happen that people get "lucky" after an IVF pregnancy. I scoffed at him (and secretly hoped he would, in like two years, prove me wrong.)

Don't worry, I'm not a blogging miracle and this is not that post.

***

I've been one of the lucky ones for whom breastfeeding acts as a natural show-stopper. Yay me! Birdie will be six months old next week (yeah, I can't believe it either) and it looks like my luck has just now run out. Birdie does not sleep through the night (we still get up to eat 1-2x) and she has eaten solid foods only sporadically. I guess it was just our time.

There's a part of me that's relieved. I don't know why. I didn't want my "fertility" back. Not yet, at least. I don't want to deal with the people who assume I'm "cured" because I had a baby. I don't want to wonder about #2. I told P months ago, as he was insisting that Birdie was going to be an only (knee-jerk reaction to seeing the trauma his wife has gone through over the last five years and not an actual decision on family size, mind you) that if we didn't take measures to prevent, we ran the possibility of a spontaneous pregnancy. Even if I didn't believe it myself, I wanted to make sure he was clear on that fact.

He laughed at me.

I secretly hoped... well, I honestly don't know what I hoped.

I'm not sure who I am now. I'm not sure what I want. I'm pretty sure I don't want to use birth control. But then am I going to wonder each month? Will I pay attention to the details of my cycles? Will I be so consumed by caring for my baby that I won't think to do these things? I have no idea.

I'm sitting here typing this hunched forward because it feels better on my lower back. Ahhh, yes. My old friend. I do know that I hoped, however irrationally, that the endo was gone. I suspect I didn't luck out there.

***

Right now I'm listening to the sound of rain over the baby monitor and I hear a little girl squirming around in her crib.

In about five minutes this post will not be on my mind anymore because I'll be attempting to keep a baby from rolling over while I try to change her diaper. I'll forget to go to the bathroom because I'll be reading "Little Duck" again and P will walk in and the baby will swivel around to look at him and smile and I'll think how lovely and perfect things are right now. I got one miracle already. I'm happy.

I miss her.

Birdie was awake early this morning. It was too early to get up for the day, but too late for me to nurse/rock her back to sleep. She was too awake to put herself to sleep and I don't go back to sleep easily at that time of the morning. So I brought her into bed with us like I used to and nursed her there. She drifted off and I went to lalaland. Sometimes I miss co-sleeping. We're all doing much better now that Birdie has settled into her crib, but I still miss her little baby head right next to me and the feeling of her soft, squishy body next to mine.

Cloth Q & A, take 1

Here are the answers to some of Liv's questions:

Do the ones that you are using have a disposable insert or is the diaper all in one? I have both kinds. They both have their pros and cons- I think I get a better fit with the all in ones (AIO) because they're sized. They're the simplest to use. They take longer to dry. The stuffable insert ones (they're not disposable) dry quicker after washing and you can adjust the absorbency to fit the need of your baby. The ones I have don't snap in though, and since DD sleeps on her tummy they get bunched up and she gets a wet belly. I haven't played around with them much though, so there's probably a way to solve this and I just don't know about it. The benefit of these is that they should last longer because you can move the snaps and change the sizing as your baby grows. I hear they're a bit big on a newborn though.

Also, have you had a diaper change while on an outing? Not yet because we haven't been at this cloth thing that long, and right now I try not to be out too very long at a time. Just the personality of my kid - she doesn't nap well out right now and she still can't be up more than two hours without being cranky.

What's your routine for that? That said, I always have an extra diaper and a plan because you never know! You can buy a small "wet bag" that zips up (it's got a waterproof PUL outer so there's no leaking) and keep it in your diaper bag with a clean diaper. The routine is the same as with a disposable. You change the baby as usual, you just put the soiled one in the wet bag and bring it home.

And if she poops while out, how do you get rid of the poop? For breastfed babies, the poop is water soluble, so you don't have to do anything special to the diaper. I like to rinse at home just because it helps with stains, but you don't have to. If we were out, I'd probably put the diaper in the bag and wait till we got home to deal with it just because it seems like it would be easier. Not sure though. You'd want to flush solid poop, but we're not there yet so I have no experience with that. Some people are intimidated by cloth while out or overnight and they choose to use disposables then. As soon as I had enough though, I just went for it.

I mean, is she strapped to the changing table, do you hold her and do it? I've never strapped the baby to the table at home or out in public. Just easier for me that way, even when she's squirmy. Once you have the clean diaper in hand, it's really no different than putting on a disposable. If you use the kind with inserts, you'd pre-stuff it (as soon as it's dry, so it's ready to go!) so there's only one step in putting it on.

Do you need extra hands? Who doesn't? LOL. Really, it's not so hard. Promise.

Also, how many diapers would you suggest getting? There are a few factors to consider here.
1) how often do you plan to wash? If you wash daily, you'd obviously need fewer than going 2-3 days between washes. I know some people go a week, but personally, I think it's icky. And you may get more staining that way.
2) what type of diaper are you using, and how do you plan to dry them? AIOs take the longest to dry, prefolds and flats (which I haven't talked about at all - they're the type you pin together and then cover) take the shortest. Fitteds and stuffable pockets would be in the middle. Drying in the dryer is quickest, but can break down certain types of diapers. Line drying is good care-wise and the sun is an excellent natural stain remover (can you tell I hate the idea of staining? =) but it does take longer and you can't always be outside (though I can and do hang dry inside too.) Dry time is important because the longer they need to dry, the longer they're not available for use.

For example: I've been washing every night. I have enough diapers to last one full day, but not much more. So if my diapers take a day to dry in the sun, I don't have enough to begin diapering the second day. Or if I wash in the evening, I need to have enough to last through two nights (I have night diapers and day diapers,) because something will be on her when I'm doing the wash and won't be clean until the following night. I have discovered that I need more than 24 hours worth of diapers in order to have her in cloth full-time.

For a newborn you need more, just because you change more frequently and there are tons of those tiny poops! Another option would be to use flushable liners that might keep from needing to change the whole thing for a tiny mess, but I haven't used those so I couldn't say.

I'm not sure yet what the perfect number is because I'm too new at this and I'm not exactly in a groove yet, just trying things out still. So far I think two days worth would be good for me if I continue to use AIOs, wash daily, and hang dry.

I only ask because I am seriously considering this option. I figured that it would save us a lot of money and they really are cute. If you can find a brick and mortar store nearby and feel some for yourself, that's your best bet. I'll write more about the different types later too. As far as cheaper... well, not if you get addicted to cute diapers! The upside is that unlike disposables, cloth diapers have a resale value so you can recoup some of your costs if you buy something you don't like, is outgrown, doesn't fit well, or you just go overboard buying cuteness =)

Please let me know if you have other questions or you want me to post about something. I'm still finding my way myself, but I'm having a lot of fun learning!

you know you totally wanna be me

For lunch today I'm having top ramen.
And I'm just about to add the flavor packet.

baby got back

I like big butts...

and now my baby Birdie is in cloth diapers! I never ever thought I'd try this, but here we are. Birdie has had some diaper-area issues that I'm not going to detail, and it's possible that she's sensitive to the chemicals in disposables.

I never knew how much I didn't know about cloth diapers. The major thing I think is that like a lot of people, I had an image of burp rags and safety pins and ugly plastic pants. OMG, there are some amazingly cute, functional, and easy-to-use diapers out there!

These are some of what we're trying.




This is an "all-in-one" (AIO) diaper that needs no extra cover or stuffing. It goes on just like a disposable. Easy, simple. I've heard them referred to as a "gateway diaper" and that you get addicted to cloth. I never would have believed it, but after just a couple weeks of research I can see how that can happen.

Some bad, some wonderful, but I'm a teary-eyed mommy because my baby is growing up!

Damn. It's been a week.

Birdie got her first cold. Rivers of snot abound. Like any good baby, she loathes the evil snot-sucking device her mother insists on using periodically. Also, I have the cold too. Fun times.

We finally moved Birdie to her crib full-time (she was there just for naps, and in her PnP bassinet in our room at night.) I moved her PnP out of our room yesterday. I managed to do it without crying, but it aches a little. I should be happy to have my nightstand back out of the closet and I don't have to sleep with the baby monitor under my pillow now, but it was like I said goodbye to my little baby.

Here are some of the reasons we moved her to her own room:
1. She hit the 15lb. weight limit in the bassinet. I don't think it was going to crash to the floor or anything, but it probably felt less sturdy for her to sleep on since...
2. She began to move around in her sleep. A lot. She'd roll over (and not know how to get back and wake up screaming) and wiggle into the corners and it just didn't seem comfy. I put her to sleep on her stomach (*gasp*) and she can now move from her stomach to back or side and just today she went back to stomach.
3. We have used and will continue to use some CIO methods with Birdie and me being in the room only works her up more (you wanna talk about why because you're considering it yourself and need help or want to reason through it with someone who has effing been there -or- you think I've damaged my baby forever and want to call me a bad mom, please feel free to do it via email.)
3. She began chattering at 4am. Absolutely adorable, but...

Birdie said her first word yesterday! Unintentional, yes, but clear as a bell. She was looking at us and making her baby noises (ba-la-wuh-de-la...) and then "Hi!" P and I looked at each other, "Did you hear that?" "Yeah, she said 'Hi', didn't she?" Interestingly, "Hi" was also my first word. I think my mom cried when I called her.

helpful hint

Don't ever say that your baby is doing well, better, or decent at something.
Ever.
I'm just saying.

past, present

Did I say before that when I was in the hospital having Birdie our basement flooded? I'm too lazy to go look back. Anyway, our sump pump decided to work only intermittently, and we ended up with like four inches of water in the basement (or so I was told, I never saw it.)

There was no saving a bunch of stuff. All our luggage was wrecked, our fake christmas tree grew rust on some branches, and a bunch of boxes got moldy. In those boxes were mostly paperback books and some children's books (not a huge loss, though I regret moving them so many times now that I've just thrown them out!) But there were two boxes that bum me out. One had t-shirts from high school in it. They were from all the shows I was in and all the festivals I attended (drama geek here.) The other box had my yearbooks in it. I know I can probably get replacement yearbooks, but I can't replace the inscriptions.

There's a part of me that doesn't mind too much. Most of high school was miserable for me. I had problems and my friends turned on me when I needed them most (though, to be fair, I had big problems, not regular teen issues, and it would be a lot for them to deal with.) Still, there were pockets of fun and goodness that I'm disappointed to have to rely on my memory alone for. My memory is both great and sucktastic.

***

I wonder sometimes if I'm stunted in the adult friend-making department or if we're all this way. I find myself craving mommy friends (well, friends in general, but the baby opens up a new realm of possibilities for me) and I'm trying. I'm really trying. I try to strike up conversations when I can (do you like your stroller? that's a great hat! how old is your baby?) but so far I haven't really gotten anywhere with this technique. Oh well. Eventually. Maybe.

If you're the woman from B&N with the chubby seven-month-old with great eyes, I liked meeting you, even if it was just for a few minutes. Thanks for sitting by me, it totally made me feel like less of a loser!

Recovery (sometimes TMI)

I think I recovered well from the surgical part of having Birdie. I was eager to get up and about asap, since I heard that it would make a difference. I moved around when I could, and I stayed on top of my pain meds, and I was ready to go home quickly. Yeah, it hurt to laugh or cry or cough, but I expected that and it really wasn't too bad. I had Birdie on Thursday evening and was released on Sunday morning.

My doctor was surprised that I wanted to go already (I guess people stay longer?) but was fine with sending me home. The only problem was that I had the feeling that "they" wouldn't let me go home unless I was off pain meds, so I stopped taking anything but motrin (no one told me I couldn't leave on meds, I think it was just hormonal paranoia.) I wish I had gone home with a little something more, but it was still manageable. I've seen a lot made of the benefits of stool softeners, and I was prepared for problems. I took one when offered, but it gave me severe diarrhea. That was one of my very least favorite parts of all.

I vacillated a lot between "just fine" and "emotional wreck" for the first few weeks. I got mad at my mom the first night she was there because she was "being too high maintenance" even though it wasn't a big deal. I cried and had a meltdown when the nurse came to take Birdie away "so I could sleep" and I wouldn't let her go. It was awful for me because I felt like I had no control. I finally let her go for three hours. I made it my mission to stay awake as much as humanly possible from then on out because I couldn't stand the thought of them taking my baby away. I was exhausted by the time I was released from the hospital.

My incision was a little oozy at the end of the first week.
I had stitches, not staples, and I healed up just fine.
My bleeding was heavyish for the first two days, but pretty light afterward, though it was very light for several weeks.

I would stare at my baby and cry because I knew that she would never be that small ever again. I still tear up about this. It's going too quickly. Obviously I want her to grow up healthy and strong, but I also want to freeze time. I've loved each stage (except teething. teething can bite me. ha.) and my little girl keeps getting bigger and bigger. I don't know if I'll ever have another baby and it makes me sad that there are so many things that are over already.

people are freaks.

Someone STOLE our recycling bin today.

I saw it happen, but was not able to get outside in time. Not that I could have chased the car down, but...

What the fuck?

Best. Birthday. Ever.

You'd think I'd be grumpy. I told my mom as much when she called me this morning to sing to me.

I woke up much, much earlier than I wanted to. I was stiff and sore from sleeping (and not sleeping) in an awkward position.

I began my day by heading down to the basement in search of yesterday's laundry only to find that I had forgotten to put it in the dryer. I set it to wash again and put today's two baskets on the floor. They'd have to wait.

I picked up a shirt that P had left on the dresser and saw that it had a hole in it. Must be why it's there. I'll bring that downstairs to sew it up if I can.

I looked around the kitchen and saw quite a mess. P tries, but isn't the best at cleaning up. I filled the dishwasher and ran it, then filled up the sink to wash the things that wouldn't fit. I cleaned the countertops.

Outside it is raining.

I had plans for the day, places I wanted to go and things I hoped to get done, but I knew I'd need to wait. I'll be lucky if I get to do one thing this afternoon.

But none of that makes me grumpy today.

Today I'm sore and stiff from sleeping with a baby on my arm.

Today I have extra laundry because I forgot yesterday's while I was holding a little girl who was feeling awful from teething.

Today I'll sew up a hole in a shirt that, if it was mine, would be in the garbage, but because my husband loves it will be saved (again.)

It's ok that I won't go for a walk outside today because when I do get to my errands, they'll be with a baby in a stroller or carrier who is happy just to be hanging out with me. When I have to get home for someone else's nap, I'll be just a bit jealous that it's not my nap, but I know I'm the lucky one. I have a baby sleeping peacefully (ok, possibly doped up on tylenol and baby oragel) in her crib.

I didn't mind cleaning up the kitchen because when I did it, I had a baby Birdie observing me from her bumbo seat on the counter. I handed her one teething ring after another and in my mind, flashed back to yesterday.

The kitchen was a disaster because P baked me a cake from scratch as Birdie looked on (in amazement at the wonder that is a KitchenAid mixer.)

When I think of this birthday, I'll always remember how full my heart felt as I watched her watching him.

My thoughtful husband and my beautiful daughter baked me a cake and for the first time in years, it really is a happy birthday.

A Joke, by Birdie

(At age 6 weeks)
(middle of the night. best time of day for a good joke.)

"I was changing Birdie and she peed on a new diaper as soon as I was putting it on. I got pee on my hand and I looked down to see why I was wet and then she was pooping too. She looked at me with a huge grin like she just told the best joke ever. I laughed and I think if she could have laughed, she would have too. Birdie looked so happy with herself!"

Back in time: Six weeks

SIX
"We're doing better this week with sleeping. I double swaddled her (she breaks out of one blanket) and put her in the carseat next to the bed and she stays there for at least part of the night. I love sleeping with her, but I worry I'll cover her with blankets on accident so I sleep with my covers low which is COLD! I get sore staying still for hours but it's worth it.

She smiles all the time now and I adore every gummy grin.

I got a carrier so we could do more things together. She's only been in it a few times so far, but she loves it. I was able to take her outside (bundled, of course) with P and the puppies and it was great to get out.

She's getting better at finding her fingers and sometimes as she wakes up from a nap I hear her sucking frantically. She's not able to really soothe herself yet, but maybe soon (HA! little did I know...) We think she's going to be a thumb sucker."

• We can see her eyelashes now that her eyes have lost the swelling.
• 0-3 clothes are sometimes too big and she hates it when I dress her only to take something off because it doesn't fit.
• At my doctor's appointment, the doctor said that holding her was the best part of his day. Everyone loves her, and it makes me so happy.

sleep update

Naps are going better. I've been making an effort to get us up in the morning a bit earlier (we were lazing in my bed too long, I think) and having Birdie get up and play a little has made a big difference in getting the naps started for the day. She still cries a bit going down, but it's not usually for too long and she seems better rested when she wakes up, even if she is just like me in that she seems grumpy for a few minutes until she's ready to interact and then she's her usual happy self. She's also doing most/some naps in her crib, which is a huge change.

Night sleeping still not going well, even with the earlier bed time. I'm hoping that it'll settle out when whatever the problem is is resolved (is she overtired? teething? growing? working on brain/physical development?) She's been spending the bulk of the night in our bed and I'm accepting it for now. I put her down alone and then at some point I bring her with me. I just don't have the energy or clarity to do anything else yet.

***

So here's how tired I am. It was something like 2am (I'm not sure, my eyes were too blurred to tell) and Birdie wouldn't fall asleep. I made her stop "comfort nursing" and she couldn't seem to settle down for sleep without sucking.

The idea popped in my head that I could somehow "love" her to sleep. I gave her a hug and cuddled her close (not smother-y close, promise) and just willed her to sleep with the sheer power of my brain and mommy love.

For the record, this does not work.