At the end of the day, it's the "being a mommy" that's most important to me.

Is anyone else not planning to take any childbirth classes? Because I seriously can't be the first person ever to think it is unnecessary (for me. you may feel totally different and I respect that. I swear!) I pretty much figure she's going to make an exit from my body one way or another, regardless of breathing technique or maternal preparedness.

When my nurse asked me about it and I told her that we weren't planning on going, she didn't blink. The doctor, however, seemed a bit surprised. As was my neighbor. And my verybestfriend (though after discussing it, she totally got me and she was just thinking that I'd do it because I'd want the "whole experience." bah.)

Did you know that you have to pay for these classes? How do poor people have babies if they can't pay for the classes? I'd rather spend the money on something else. And if you think I'm going to bring my pillow anywhere near a hospital floor, you may as well keep riding the elevator to the psych floor. Also, the whole group thing is really, really not for me. I loathe public participation in classes. Now, if this was a thing where we all got to sit at really big desks, preferably in a recliner of some sort, and listen to someone provide valuable info that I couldn't obtain anywhere else, you'd be much more likely to get me to hand over my credit card. But it's not. I'm pretty sure there are no recliners, and this is not top secret information.

I'm pretty sure I'm the type who will be really annoyed if someone keeps chanting "breathe" at me. As I commented on someone else's blog recently, I'd totally give birth alone under a staircase if I thought I could get an epidural delivered there. Between my tendency toward hemorrhagic cysts (remember, where you bleed out into your pelvis? SO fun!) and endo pain, I think I have a handle on my preferred pain-management style. And that, folks, would be drugs and a retreat into my own head. Not a happy place, not a focus object, not "soothing" music, and not my husband telling me what to do!

Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe it's because I'm a birthing virgin. You can laugh at my ignorance if you like. I may have a horrible experience all because I wasn't prepared enough. But it seems to me that there are plenty of people who end up not getting just what they want regardless of what they do or classes they take. I've already discussed my "birth plan" with my doctor. It was three sentences: "Healthy, live mom. Healthy, live baby. And I'd really rather not have an episiotomy please." He seemed fine with that. At this point, the "how" of birthing just isn't that important to me. Are there things I'm nervous or unsure about? Of course. But I'm thinking everyone is nervous or unsure to some extent, even those who choose to go to classes and write up a detailed birth plan.

I'm most looking forward to the after...

(ok, not the immediate after, really, but you get what I mean.)



*I do intend to sign up for the (free) L&D tour so I can see everything, get preregistered, etc. If I'm ever in the same place as the phone number, my phone, and a calendar, that is.*

placenta update

I had another hospital scan to check the placenta. As a recap, I have a marginal placenta previa (where the placenta is within 5cm of the cervix, but not completely covering the cervix.)

With a complete previa, the only safe delivery option is a c-section, and with a partial or marginal previa, a c-section is considered a good option when the placenta is close enough to be a hemorrhage risk. Most (upwards of 90%) low-lying, marginal, or partial previas move up as the uterus grows in the second trimester and do not pose any danger to the mom or baby once they've moved away from the cervix.

Mine hasn't moved. Not a bit. I'm still at 2cm. I would have expected to see some movement by the third trimester, so I'm not sure if I should expect it to go anywhere at this point. What does this mean?

I could be one of the 10% who doesn't have the placenta move, OR

I'll have the placenta move a bit sometime between now and delivery -and-
-it might not move enough and still may require a c-section for a safe delivery -or-
-it will move enough to have a vaginal delivery

I've seen 5cm away as the threshold for safely delivering vaginally, but it's subjective. I don't yet know what my doctor's opinion is as it was too early to discuss it when we found it and I haven't had my follow-up with him yet. At the very least, I'll likely be going for at least one more hospital ultrasound to check placement and/or movement as we get closer to the end.

on the phone with the inlaws

MIL: So do you have a name yet?

P: Not yet, we're down to those four I told you.

MIL: Well, you have time. Maybe you'll think of some others.


***


P & FIL are talking about nothing.

MIL: (in background, says something P can't make out)

FIL: I'm not asking him about that!

P: ?

FIL: (slightly disgusted) Your mom wants to ask you some questions.

MIL: Is Twirl planning on breastfeeding?

nesting

I like things clean and I love to organize. I have always believed that I'd be a prime candidate to go crazy nesting, but I didn't think it would start this early.

I live in a house with a full basement. Much to my neighbors' shock, it is nearly empty. We have a washer and dryer down there and on one short wall there are some neatly stacked boxes. Mostly holiday stuff, teaching supplies, and books. When we got a new couch, we didn't put the old one down in the basement. When we began to clear out the baby's room, we found a new home for the futon (guest bed) in another room. Being basement newbies, we didn't even realize how much garage stuff could really be basement stuff until last winter. Now the basement is the winter home of P's bicycle and two garden hoses. So you see, we are a curiosity around these parts to those who've always had basements and delighted in filling them with crap. I, on the other hand, am feeling the pressure to get rid of stuff.

I loathe holding yard/garage sales. How much is this? A quarter. Will you take 15 cents? UGH. But it is a good way to get rid of things, and I find myself wanting to take advantage of the end of summer and get rid of some things we don't need. I've considered craigslist, but for some reason that seems like even more work. But I have a million precious moments that are just taking up space in a closet (I collected them once upon a time, but haven't really been interested in them for several years now.) And then there's the microwave that's brand new but hasn't been used in two moves and the baker's rack that doesn't fit in the kitchen, but doesn't match my dining room, and the extra tv set... Too. Much. Stuff.

So I've been thinking about the organization stuff for a while now, but being on light duty, there's not much I can do but plan and obsess. On Saturday I decided that I could no longer stand the dirty carpet in the living room and began to give it a good once over with the vacuum (very carefully, of course) but it wasn't good enough. It looked like there was a lot of dog hair and dirt in the canister, so I took that apart and cleaned it. And then went to work to remove the inner filter and cleaned that. Then I got an exacto knife out and used it to cut away any dog hair left in the brush on the bottom, but couldn't get it clean enough. So I found a screwdriver and took the bottom of the vacuum apart so that I could clean it. Yes, folks, I took apart and cleaned my vacuum this weekend. Heaven help the person who turns off the ceiling fans because I know they're filthy and I have this urge...

I'm also wanting to change my blogger template. I don't feel like fussing with it myself at this point (which is why you have seen no changes) but you just never know.

And I still have 12 weeks to go.

update

I can't believe it, but I passed the GD screening! I really thought I'd need to take the three hour test. For the time, at least, my bagels are safe.

My iron is a tiny bit low, but nothing too concerning.

The baby is (still) a girl, and doesn't look as if she intends to grow any additional parts. We finally got a clear view and I'm very relieved that the doctor was correct before.

Even though I feel her kick a lot now, there's nothing in the world like hearing her heart beating.

It's all relevant to something, I'm sure of it.

1. Today is 27 weeks. Second trimester is very nearly over (or over altogether depending on your counting.)

2. I still have a sore spot on one cheek from the PIO shots. It's not always sore, but it's enough to be a reminder.

3. I had a dream that another blogger was pregnant. She was told she was having a girl and then later found out that it was a second boy. I really, really hope this was not secretly about me. There would be a ton of returns to make.

4. I took my 1hr gestational diabetes screen last week. I'm convinced I failed. I'm thinking I'll get the results at tomorrow's doctor visit. I could make a very long and rambly post about it, but the bottom line is that I'm really scared that I'll eventually have to give up bagels (the ONE food that does not ever cause reflux.) I know I'd have to fail the 3hr too before we start worrying about that, but hey, worrying is the one thing I don't procrastinate about!

5. Um, what else?

hijacking someone else's mommy

P really does not care about nursery furniture. He likes quality, but as far as style goes he claims not to have an opinion (he does, really, he just thinks he doesn't. Believe me, he sure knows what he doesn't like!) So my solution is to do the looking on my own and then show him any possibilities. All of that is to explain why he did/does not go with me when I went/go shopping. My mom can't go with for obvious reasons, and I don't really have any girls to go with so alone it is.

I was in USA Baby and checking out their matte white furniture options. A saleslady had pointed out all of the possibilities and I was walking around alone absorbing them when I noticed that another woman was admiring the same crib as me. We started up a chat about it and I learned that her daughter was pregnant with her first child, a girl, in November, and was looking for matte white furniture. So I offered to show her what the saleslady had showed me and we walked around the store together chatting about cribs and finishes (we both adore cherry, but I'm reluctant because of how scratches/teeth marks show...) and names, etc. Me and someone else's mommy.

So, if you live, you know, here, and your mom mentioned walking around the store with some random pregnant lady, know that your mom was nice to hang with for a bit. Not having your own mom around is rough, but sometimes you get lucky and having a loaner mom, even for an hour, was cool.

So sorry, but this is mostly about baby products (carseats.)

Just a warning.

After exhaustive research, I decided to get the Chicco Keyfit30. It's more expensive to start, but I like that you get more than 4-6 months of use out of it. It gets good feedback from parents and certified carseat techs have rec commended it as well. (I've totally been lurking carseat boards. I have way more info on this topic than I thought I 'd ever need!) Some people balk at the weight, saying that you wouldn't keep carrying it around because it'll get too heavy, but really, who cares if you eventually just leave it in the car and carry your baby another way? Just because it can be used as an infant carrier doesn't mean you're obligated to use it that way when it's uncomfortable.

I didn't place it on my registry yet because as of now the only color out is an ugly orangey-tomato color and I'm hoping the rest of the options come out before November.

I was at Target yesterday and I scored an awesome deal. I picked up a Graco SafeSeat1 (SS1) for just $32.48! Brand new, manufactured this year! They're not carrying them any longer (at least in stores) and I got the last one. They still have them available online for their full price... $129.99! So awesome. So for less than the price of a second infant base I got a whole second seat. This was my second choice seat (again, because of the higher height/weight limits) so I'm totally thrilled with my find. I still kinda want the keyfit, but for now I'm basking in the glory of my excellent deal.

99

Yesterday was a secret milestone for me. I hit the "100 days to go" mark. I didn't tell anyone that I was watching for that day, and developmentally there's nothing special about it, but for me, psychologically, it was important. I've been having internet problems (it took me three days to get that last post up, minus two additional pictures!) and so I forgot to post and now it's 99 days, which is also very exciting. I'm not sure what number I'll latch onto next, and if there is one, I'm not sure I'll remember it because I currently suck at remembering stuff. But I'll let you know. Or at least I'll mean to.

For what it cost, at least it gets plenty of use

My snoogle, (under the blanket) in all its daytime glory:

"so much stuff"

I want to start this by saying that I'm really enjoying being pregnant. I LOVE feeling my little girl kicking and rolling around (though, honestly, I could do without the bladder-grinder part) and I actually feel pretty good about my body. I like thinking baby thoughts even when they seem abstract. My MIL is beyond thrilled and I'm really happy about that. My own mom and grandparents are over the moon as well, even if they're sad it's all happening so far away. Finally, I feel like I can be a source of good and happiness for others instead of a depressing downer.

***

I walked around BRU with my mom once, when I was visiting, and it was kind of fun. I liked going with her and looking at things and seeing how excited she got at the idea of a 9lb stroller that folded up with one hand. I went with P once and was totally amused by him pulling strollers down and test driving them and watching him fold them up but then not being able to pop them open again so that when we left the section there was a line of closed up strollers resting awkwardly on the display shelf (sorry, BRU people, at least we gave you something to do!) And I went one day alone. Mostly, I prefer to shop alone. I like to take my time and look at what I want without worrying about other people. But that day hormones were getting the best of me as I looked around the store and saw people all in pairs. Husbands and wives, mothers and daughters, friends and sisters. I felt alone. Sometimes there are disadvantages to being a loner.

***

With all my unhappiness about the idea of a shower, you may have guessed that registering would also be a challenge for me. Even as I poo-poo-ed the shower idea, I knew I'd still need to do a registry. Our families are spread out over sevenish different states and the "what do they need/want?" question was bound to come up, (and has, frequently) so a registry it is.

Now, I approach baby products like I do everything else. (Exhaustive) research, read reviews, be sure, discuss with P, then purchase. I became obsessed with carseat safety and to that end, I feel very satisfied with my choice. It turns out that the carseat was the easy part. How do I select a pack n play? What color high chair should I choose? Just how important are sheets with elastic all the way around and is a mattress pad even safe for a baby? What's the deal with the diaper genie 2? If we empty the diapers daily does it even matter what type of disposal system we pick? I can easily become overcome with indecision on the trivial things, and safety issues really put me over the top!

So, I've been researching for weeks now. And for weeks now P and I have been getting the "when are you gonna register?" question. At first, it was easy because I was able to say "not until we know the gender" and no one could really argue it. Now that we know.... well, let's just say that people are starting to shop and it's in my best interest to get a registry up and running so that we get the things we really want (I don't really care if people want to buy gifts from wherever, and they are, of course, free to choose what they'd like, but since they're asking...) MIL keeps telling P how we need "so much stuff."

So I've started my registry online and put a handful of things on it. But I still need to go to the actual store and walk around with the damn scanner. And soon. Today maybe?

There's not much of a point to this post, really, but if you have a product that you love, I'd be glad to hear about it.

on gender

I've had this post in my head for weeks now, but haven't been able to actually write it out. With all the gender hoopla (crappy ultrasound day, impossible positioning, not being able to find out, being disappointed about that,etc.) I really wanted to put my feelings aside for a while on that subject. Partly because I don't want to be obsessed about gender and partly, if I'm honest, I don't want to be seen as overly concerned about it to others.

Here's the gist: I've been asked if I have a gender preference by many people and I always say that I don't. And that's the truth. I went back and forth many times thinking that I'd LOVE a boy or that I REALLY want a girl and I couldn't make up my mind. Then I came to the realization that I WIN EITHER WAY! I like telling people that.

Anyway, I was going to write all about my feelings on each and why and all this other crap, but the truth is, now that I know that this baby is a girl I can't make myself finish writing it all out. That's what happens when you let posts roll around in your head for too long. Now I can't even remember all that I wanted to say because my brain has been taken over by someone else and all I can think about is pink things and little dresses.

24 weeks

viability. what an awesome word. this is a huge milestone for me. they would really try to save my baby if it was born right now, today, and it would actually have a shot at making it. obviously i don't want my baby to be born at 24 weeks, but it's amazing to me that there's even a possibility for a non-tragic outcome.

there's a real, living, human rolling around in me. and it's more likely than not that it will stay that way. you know, alive. it's really mind-blowing.

at this point, my brain has gotten quite mushy and i frequently forget what i was going to say or do. i can't seem to come up with the proper words for things. i am the cliche that can't remember why i went downstairs. clearly, there's a leech sucking away my brain power.

i like how my belly feels. i like seeing it, and i like how i look with it. i'm even not so hateful about my infertility pounds. what i'm not wild about is the fact that polishing my toenails on my own may not be a possibility any longer, but i can live with that.

my very favorite thing is to feel the baby move. even when this morning we had another round of grind-mommy's-bladder-into-a-pancake-with-my-skull so that i was unable to get out of bed for about an hour due to the searing pain, i was actually happy to feel the baby moving. the movements are bigger, stronger, and more frequent. we play poking games with each other. this is, so far, my favorite part.

sucker punched

Alternate titles:

• Infertility: The Gift That Keeps on Giving
• How NOT to Keep Money in Your Savings Account
• Bending Over: What They Don't Tell You About Lab Work
• My Baby Sleeps in a Dresser Drawer Because We Had Nothing Left to Buy a Crib

***

Is it just me, or does no one really explain about the lab work fees? At my RE's office, I would regularly pay a fee for blood draws along with all the other procedure fees (ultrasounds, office visits, etc.) A few months after my initial appointment I began to get bills from Quest for my labs. They had been billed to my insurance and were usually partially covered, so they were never really extreme and I just paid them. It worked differently with my old RE at the ClinicFromHell, so at first, I had no idea that the bills were coming. Once the billing all caught up I got to know what to expect and it was no big deal.

When we began IVF, we knew we would not have insurance coverage.I worked out a deal with my doctor and we were able to get into a low-cost (ha!) program that made IVF accessible to us. I stockpiled stims in advance so that when I filled prescriptions for steroids, antibiotics, progesterone, needles, etc. they would be covered. I was labeled a "self-pay" patient and the (fabulous) billing lady made sure to only bill for services that would be covered and not raise any red flags. It was still expensive and I'm not ashamed to say that it wiped out most of our savings.
Still, we were very lucky. We were lucky to have a doctor work with us, we were lucky to respond to stims that I was able to gather in advance, we were lucky to have any savings to begin with, we were lucky that it worked.

I'm still paying for my February/March bloodwork. The bills seem to trickle in and they've all been manageable so far. At the time, since I had worked out a fee for my RE, I didn't realize that I was still on the hook for the blood, but I am and that's just the way it goes. Not exactly how I understood, but in this case, that's probably my fault and not the end of the world.

Of course, now, in JULY, we just got a huge lab bill for P. His JANUARY pre-IVF blood screens were not covered services. Apparently, this was also not a part of the package fee that the doctor explained. Naturally, P's labs were denied by insurance (and honestly, if I had really understood what they were doing at the time I would have known that they weren't covered, so it's not like they're the bad guys - other than not providing the coverage in the first place, of course.) So we're legitimately on the hook for this bill and it sucks.

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes because, really, what's another grand? I know. I swear, I do. I'd pay that and more to have this baby, but I do feel like I've been sucker punched. I didn't see this one coming at all.

I really wanted to donate my leftover meds, but now I'm considering charging a small fee for them. I feel guilty doing this, and I know it wouldn't make a dent in this bill, but money is starting to stress me out (to the point I've considered revising my NEVER AGAIN policy on yard sales!)

history of movement

14w4d: slight rippling vibration. brief. shocking.

15w3d: "bubbles"

Intermittent thumps/pokes, something lumpy is under me when I lay down

20w: someone either likes my singing to or is deeply offended by it.

21w3d: someone can now let me know that s/he is hungry/that I need to sit down/go to the bathroom/stop stressing out

22w: feeling regular movement. regular meaning daily, no real pattern or anything, but s/he's usually somewhat active in the evening and night. I can sense a strong reaction to caffeine.

22w3d: I wake up and want to feel the baby. I poke him/her. S/he pokes me back. HUGE smile for hours.

23 weeks. I may have felt the baby once last night (usually I feel more.) Not as strong as usual. Not responding to poking. Not responding to position changes. Have had a cup of caffeinated coffee and have so far felt no response. Trying to tell myself that babies are not reliable with movement at this stage and that it's normal to have a quiet, relaxed day(s?) Don't want to get worked up about it, but of course I really, really want need to feel something here soon. Like, now.

*** Update: I think the coffee finally kicked in. I suspect the baby has changed positions. I was hoping that by posting this that I'd feel something shortly after so that I could feel as though I was a big ole worrywart over nothing. It worked.

calling pet owners

Have any of you used 1800petmeds or petcarerx for things like flea/tick prevention and/or heartworm prevention? How did that work out for you?

hangin' with the old wives

leg hair growth = slower
bigger ass = probably
foot temp = same
fetal heartbeat = always over 140
watermelon or beach ball = i'll go watermelon, but it could be that I'm just wide!
i'd pick up a mug by the body or handle = body
increase of acne = yes
chinese gender predictor (lunar age)
more moody than usual = lately, absolutely!
hair thickness (thicker or stringier) = no change
carrying high or low = uh, in the middle
wedding ring = circles (but there's not a consensus of which this is supposed to be!)
orange juice = no thank you!
morning sickness = not much
sour or salty vs. sweet = sour/salty
dad gaining weight = nope
weight gain in the face = don't think so
craving meat/cheese = boy
skin drier = yes
chinese gender predictor
clumsy or graceful = clumsy
baby is very active
i'd pick up a key by the fat part

***

It's pretty shocking that they don't agree, isn't it? Gotta love my little "neutral" one!

no reply comment

Sometimes I want to respond personally to a comment you've left but I can't because I don't have your email address. If you use blogger, you can change your profile settings so that your email address is visible (and as far as I can tell, this gets you no additional spam) and it will show up to the blog owner when you leave comments. Or, you can just use the "email me" link under my name on the right and I'll save your address for future use. If I've never emailed you and you like it that way, please ignore this paragraph!

***

In other news, the baby has moved. Yesterday I was having an awful time peeing, it hurt like a bitch, never felt empty, and had blinding pain for a good part of the day regardless of how much time I spent resting. I also became nauseated and very tired. I was thinking infection, but my nurse informed me that once again, I'm peeing clean and though they'll send it out for more testing, it doesn't look like an infection. The doctor said the baby has flipped head down and is compressing my bladder. Holy fuck, that hurts.

***

Thanks for all the support on the shower thing. So glad to know that I'm not the only one not looking forward to the prospect, whatever the reason. Anyway, when I have an update or resolution I'll let you know.

ungrateful

I really don't want a baby shower.

The idea has literally reduced me to tears on more than one occasion.

I loathe opening presents and I really don't like being the center of attention. Being touched? Ugh. When I first went home with P for Christmas, one of my biggest fears was that they did the open a present one person at a time while everyone watches thing (they didn't.) Serious panic.

The people closest to me know this and though they think I'm crazy (and I'm not arguing) they generally indulge this quirk and mostly try not to make a big deal about it.

For weeks now, I've been laying the groundwork for commenting on not having a shower (and not in the way you do as a hint that you want someone to throw one for you!) to P and he has seemed fine with it. I didn't have a bridal shower (though a lot of that has to do with the fact that we had a very short engagement) and I don't feel that I missed out in the least. It's just not a tradition that's for me. We have no family or friends nearby. With everyone so spread out, I figured this was an issue that we'd be able to avoid fairly easily.

Obviously not. My MIL wants to give me a shower. And P did not immediately tell her that I'd rather not, which has put me in a very unpleasant position. I'm not close to MIL. We're not enemies or anything, we've just never spent much time together. She doesn't know me well either, and the reason behind the gift panic thing is long, dramatic, and complex. I don't want to try to explain it to her. My own mom barely gets it.

Speaking of my own mom, she thinks it's a lovely thing and I should just agree to it. It's not about me after all. When she told me this I took a shower and cried. I know it's not about me. But it is.

I actually have a secondary reason for not wanting a shower. Even if I really wanted it, literally none of my friends would be able to attend. None of my family would be there. It would be a couple of P's female family members and a few family friends that I've never met. It feels sad. Something that's supposed to be such a celebration shouldn't feel that way. And I would be sad not to have the people I love best there too (yes, even if I didn't want to have the shower in the first place. And I'd never want to exclude P or any other guys. I suffer, he suffers. Or I just want to be inclusive. Either way.)

I just don't want to do this. I never have. I know these are my issues and that they probably seem petty and ridiculous to some people. Who doesn't like presents? I hate letting people down and I know I will be doing just that.

I'm kind of waiting for someone to tell me that it's ok for me to feel this way, even if they don't personally understand. So far I'm alone.

I feel like I should tell you something, I'm just not sure what

I did go and see my family finally. That was great (the visit, not the travel, which was my very worst travel experience ever.) It was wonderful to be there, but it was hard to be there too. When I'm home, in my house, with P and my animals, I'm able to put the homesickness away for the most part, but when it's all right there... longing. I drove to the city P and I met in and past our first apartment. I went to the used bookstore that I've loved for years. I drove along the walking route P and I used to take every night and smelled the ocean (I'd walk it, but too much exercise for the still-restricted me.) I sat at my grandparents' dinner table like we used to do each Sunday and as happy as I was to be home, it also made me sad.

My mom took a day off of work and we were able to go look at baby stuff together. We had done some simultaneous internet surfing, but that's not the same as being there. It was fun to see her look at stuff. We didn't buy anything though. My grandma is desperate to know the gender so she can begin knitting a blanket and a hat.

I feel like a jumbled-up mess, but also really happy.