on gender

I've had this post in my head for weeks now, but haven't been able to actually write it out. With all the gender hoopla (crappy ultrasound day, impossible positioning, not being able to find out, being disappointed about that,etc.) I really wanted to put my feelings aside for a while on that subject. Partly because I don't want to be obsessed about gender and partly, if I'm honest, I don't want to be seen as overly concerned about it to others.

Here's the gist: I've been asked if I have a gender preference by many people and I always say that I don't. And that's the truth. I went back and forth many times thinking that I'd LOVE a boy or that I REALLY want a girl and I couldn't make up my mind. Then I came to the realization that I WIN EITHER WAY! I like telling people that.

Anyway, I was going to write all about my feelings on each and why and all this other crap, but the truth is, now that I know that this baby is a girl I can't make myself finish writing it all out. That's what happens when you let posts roll around in your head for too long. Now I can't even remember all that I wanted to say because my brain has been taken over by someone else and all I can think about is pink things and little dresses.

24 weeks

viability. what an awesome word. this is a huge milestone for me. they would really try to save my baby if it was born right now, today, and it would actually have a shot at making it. obviously i don't want my baby to be born at 24 weeks, but it's amazing to me that there's even a possibility for a non-tragic outcome.

there's a real, living, human rolling around in me. and it's more likely than not that it will stay that way. you know, alive. it's really mind-blowing.

at this point, my brain has gotten quite mushy and i frequently forget what i was going to say or do. i can't seem to come up with the proper words for things. i am the cliche that can't remember why i went downstairs. clearly, there's a leech sucking away my brain power.

i like how my belly feels. i like seeing it, and i like how i look with it. i'm even not so hateful about my infertility pounds. what i'm not wild about is the fact that polishing my toenails on my own may not be a possibility any longer, but i can live with that.

my very favorite thing is to feel the baby move. even when this morning we had another round of grind-mommy's-bladder-into-a-pancake-with-my-skull so that i was unable to get out of bed for about an hour due to the searing pain, i was actually happy to feel the baby moving. the movements are bigger, stronger, and more frequent. we play poking games with each other. this is, so far, my favorite part.

sucker punched

Alternate titles:

• Infertility: The Gift That Keeps on Giving
• How NOT to Keep Money in Your Savings Account
• Bending Over: What They Don't Tell You About Lab Work
• My Baby Sleeps in a Dresser Drawer Because We Had Nothing Left to Buy a Crib

***

Is it just me, or does no one really explain about the lab work fees? At my RE's office, I would regularly pay a fee for blood draws along with all the other procedure fees (ultrasounds, office visits, etc.) A few months after my initial appointment I began to get bills from Quest for my labs. They had been billed to my insurance and were usually partially covered, so they were never really extreme and I just paid them. It worked differently with my old RE at the ClinicFromHell, so at first, I had no idea that the bills were coming. Once the billing all caught up I got to know what to expect and it was no big deal.

When we began IVF, we knew we would not have insurance coverage.I worked out a deal with my doctor and we were able to get into a low-cost (ha!) program that made IVF accessible to us. I stockpiled stims in advance so that when I filled prescriptions for steroids, antibiotics, progesterone, needles, etc. they would be covered. I was labeled a "self-pay" patient and the (fabulous) billing lady made sure to only bill for services that would be covered and not raise any red flags. It was still expensive and I'm not ashamed to say that it wiped out most of our savings.
Still, we were very lucky. We were lucky to have a doctor work with us, we were lucky to respond to stims that I was able to gather in advance, we were lucky to have any savings to begin with, we were lucky that it worked.

I'm still paying for my February/March bloodwork. The bills seem to trickle in and they've all been manageable so far. At the time, since I had worked out a fee for my RE, I didn't realize that I was still on the hook for the blood, but I am and that's just the way it goes. Not exactly how I understood, but in this case, that's probably my fault and not the end of the world.

Of course, now, in JULY, we just got a huge lab bill for P. His JANUARY pre-IVF blood screens were not covered services. Apparently, this was also not a part of the package fee that the doctor explained. Naturally, P's labs were denied by insurance (and honestly, if I had really understood what they were doing at the time I would have known that they weren't covered, so it's not like they're the bad guys - other than not providing the coverage in the first place, of course.) So we're legitimately on the hook for this bill and it sucks.

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes because, really, what's another grand? I know. I swear, I do. I'd pay that and more to have this baby, but I do feel like I've been sucker punched. I didn't see this one coming at all.

I really wanted to donate my leftover meds, but now I'm considering charging a small fee for them. I feel guilty doing this, and I know it wouldn't make a dent in this bill, but money is starting to stress me out (to the point I've considered revising my NEVER AGAIN policy on yard sales!)

history of movement

14w4d: slight rippling vibration. brief. shocking.

15w3d: "bubbles"

Intermittent thumps/pokes, something lumpy is under me when I lay down

20w: someone either likes my singing to or is deeply offended by it.

21w3d: someone can now let me know that s/he is hungry/that I need to sit down/go to the bathroom/stop stressing out

22w: feeling regular movement. regular meaning daily, no real pattern or anything, but s/he's usually somewhat active in the evening and night. I can sense a strong reaction to caffeine.

22w3d: I wake up and want to feel the baby. I poke him/her. S/he pokes me back. HUGE smile for hours.

23 weeks. I may have felt the baby once last night (usually I feel more.) Not as strong as usual. Not responding to poking. Not responding to position changes. Have had a cup of caffeinated coffee and have so far felt no response. Trying to tell myself that babies are not reliable with movement at this stage and that it's normal to have a quiet, relaxed day(s?) Don't want to get worked up about it, but of course I really, really want need to feel something here soon. Like, now.

*** Update: I think the coffee finally kicked in. I suspect the baby has changed positions. I was hoping that by posting this that I'd feel something shortly after so that I could feel as though I was a big ole worrywart over nothing. It worked.

calling pet owners

Have any of you used 1800petmeds or petcarerx for things like flea/tick prevention and/or heartworm prevention? How did that work out for you?

hangin' with the old wives

leg hair growth = slower
bigger ass = probably
foot temp = same
fetal heartbeat = always over 140
watermelon or beach ball = i'll go watermelon, but it could be that I'm just wide!
i'd pick up a mug by the body or handle = body
increase of acne = yes
chinese gender predictor (lunar age)
more moody than usual = lately, absolutely!
hair thickness (thicker or stringier) = no change
carrying high or low = uh, in the middle
wedding ring = circles (but there's not a consensus of which this is supposed to be!)
orange juice = no thank you!
morning sickness = not much
sour or salty vs. sweet = sour/salty
dad gaining weight = nope
weight gain in the face = don't think so
craving meat/cheese = boy
skin drier = yes
chinese gender predictor
clumsy or graceful = clumsy
baby is very active
i'd pick up a key by the fat part

***

It's pretty shocking that they don't agree, isn't it? Gotta love my little "neutral" one!

no reply comment

Sometimes I want to respond personally to a comment you've left but I can't because I don't have your email address. If you use blogger, you can change your profile settings so that your email address is visible (and as far as I can tell, this gets you no additional spam) and it will show up to the blog owner when you leave comments. Or, you can just use the "email me" link under my name on the right and I'll save your address for future use. If I've never emailed you and you like it that way, please ignore this paragraph!

***

In other news, the baby has moved. Yesterday I was having an awful time peeing, it hurt like a bitch, never felt empty, and had blinding pain for a good part of the day regardless of how much time I spent resting. I also became nauseated and very tired. I was thinking infection, but my nurse informed me that once again, I'm peeing clean and though they'll send it out for more testing, it doesn't look like an infection. The doctor said the baby has flipped head down and is compressing my bladder. Holy fuck, that hurts.

***

Thanks for all the support on the shower thing. So glad to know that I'm not the only one not looking forward to the prospect, whatever the reason. Anyway, when I have an update or resolution I'll let you know.

ungrateful

I really don't want a baby shower.

The idea has literally reduced me to tears on more than one occasion.

I loathe opening presents and I really don't like being the center of attention. Being touched? Ugh. When I first went home with P for Christmas, one of my biggest fears was that they did the open a present one person at a time while everyone watches thing (they didn't.) Serious panic.

The people closest to me know this and though they think I'm crazy (and I'm not arguing) they generally indulge this quirk and mostly try not to make a big deal about it.

For weeks now, I've been laying the groundwork for commenting on not having a shower (and not in the way you do as a hint that you want someone to throw one for you!) to P and he has seemed fine with it. I didn't have a bridal shower (though a lot of that has to do with the fact that we had a very short engagement) and I don't feel that I missed out in the least. It's just not a tradition that's for me. We have no family or friends nearby. With everyone so spread out, I figured this was an issue that we'd be able to avoid fairly easily.

Obviously not. My MIL wants to give me a shower. And P did not immediately tell her that I'd rather not, which has put me in a very unpleasant position. I'm not close to MIL. We're not enemies or anything, we've just never spent much time together. She doesn't know me well either, and the reason behind the gift panic thing is long, dramatic, and complex. I don't want to try to explain it to her. My own mom barely gets it.

Speaking of my own mom, she thinks it's a lovely thing and I should just agree to it. It's not about me after all. When she told me this I took a shower and cried. I know it's not about me. But it is.

I actually have a secondary reason for not wanting a shower. Even if I really wanted it, literally none of my friends would be able to attend. None of my family would be there. It would be a couple of P's female family members and a few family friends that I've never met. It feels sad. Something that's supposed to be such a celebration shouldn't feel that way. And I would be sad not to have the people I love best there too (yes, even if I didn't want to have the shower in the first place. And I'd never want to exclude P or any other guys. I suffer, he suffers. Or I just want to be inclusive. Either way.)

I just don't want to do this. I never have. I know these are my issues and that they probably seem petty and ridiculous to some people. Who doesn't like presents? I hate letting people down and I know I will be doing just that.

I'm kind of waiting for someone to tell me that it's ok for me to feel this way, even if they don't personally understand. So far I'm alone.

I feel like I should tell you something, I'm just not sure what

I did go and see my family finally. That was great (the visit, not the travel, which was my very worst travel experience ever.) It was wonderful to be there, but it was hard to be there too. When I'm home, in my house, with P and my animals, I'm able to put the homesickness away for the most part, but when it's all right there... longing. I drove to the city P and I met in and past our first apartment. I went to the used bookstore that I've loved for years. I drove along the walking route P and I used to take every night and smelled the ocean (I'd walk it, but too much exercise for the still-restricted me.) I sat at my grandparents' dinner table like we used to do each Sunday and as happy as I was to be home, it also made me sad.

My mom took a day off of work and we were able to go look at baby stuff together. We had done some simultaneous internet surfing, but that's not the same as being there. It was fun to see her look at stuff. We didn't buy anything though. My grandma is desperate to know the gender so she can begin knitting a blanket and a hat.

I feel like a jumbled-up mess, but also really happy.

19 week update

The appointment went fine. I discussed the hospital u/s with the nurse and the doctor. There's not much they can do about it at this point (and really, there's nothing that I want done) but it did net me an extra-long u/s at the office.

The baby looks fine, likes to move, and is stretched out length-wise (transverse) making it difficult to zoom in and get the between-the-legs shot.

Doctor: I don't think I see anything between the legs... (keeps looking) ...well, maybe, ... (keeps looking) sorry, I'm just not going to be able to tell you today (keeps looking)

Twirl: That's ok. We'll find out eventually, I suppose.

Doctor: I'll give you some warning. I'll look again.

I believe the doctor has now taken this as a personal challenge (maybe it's a man thing. or a doctor thing, but he seemed pretty determined!) I was glad that he made a genuine effort for me, which is all I would have wanted from the tech.

P and I are considering naming the baby "Neutral." ha.

This makes three ultrasounds now where we could have potentially seen gender but haven't. P's mother has been poised next to the phone with her car keys and credit card in hand for months now waiting to shop. It's not all about shopping, of course, I'd also love to stop calling it "IT."

In related news, my placenta has not moved (even though the ute is growing appropriately) and I am still on restrictions/pelvic rest to include housecleaning, exercise, and sex.

one

I hear it's normal, but still...

A few days before each appointment I begin to feel anxious about the status of the baby.

After each appointment I feel relieved and confident not only that everything IS fine, but that it will continue to be so.

I really wish I didn't feel the first one.

***

I've felt plenty of pains that I've chalked up to ligament pains/uterine growth, etc. I felt my first severe, sharp, OMG, ligament pain from a sneeze yesterday. I yelled out loud and scared a kitty.

Thank you

Really and truly. It means a lot to me that you all don't think I'm whiny or ungrateful by being disappointed with this experience. It can be hard sometimes to accurately share the whole picture and I'm glad to have so many people who "get it" in my life, even if you do all live in my shiny laptop.

I wish I could tell you about...

... my placenta, but I can't because the tech wouldn't measure the placement of it. She just said, "it's fine, it'll move." How very helpful. Yes, I know most DO move, but my doctor wanted a better measurement. And I'd love to be off pelvic rest, but that won't happen until the doctor is satisfied that the placenta has grown far enough away from my cervix.

... my fibroid. Remember my fibroid? It was so tiny that no one ever worried about it. In fact, during my lap, the RE didn't think it was even worth messing with because it was so small. Of course now it is big, obvious, and growing. The tech's response, "2cm isn't that big." Ok, I know how big 2cm is. I'm not a moron. I also know that the fibroid was formerly measured in mm because it was so small. Yesterday it was the first thing visible on the screen. I'm thinking this is not a big deal, but the attitude was not appreciated.

... the gender of my baby, but I can't because the tech refused to look. She said "the baby is too small" (I think we all know that's not true) and then she said "the legs and feet were in the way." But she said all this as she was shutting the scan down. She didn't even try. She had no intention of ever looking.

... how exciting it was to have my "big" ultrasound. Because it was exciting. Or at least the parts where I could see the baby were exciting. Beautiful brain, heart, bones, kidneys, stomach, cord. So happy about that. But it was sort of overshadowed by the negative undertones I was getting from the tech. She was ticked that I came with a retrieval date and a due date, but that I wouldn't tell her my LMP because I did IVF. She was ticked because I was there at 17 weeks. She was snippy to P when he made a comment about the baby's heartbeat being high (it was 160 again. We know this isn't high for a fetus, but compared to OURS it is. And if 150 is mid-range, 160 is higher than that, so pfft.) She wouldn't look for gender and she was trying to get us out of there as quickly as possible (which she did, it was less than 30 minutes.) She was snippy with me when I noticed that the baby was sucking ITs thumb and blah, blah, blah...

Obviously she has lost the thrill for her job. You'd think she could muster up a tiny bit of excitement for people who were excited to see their baby. I think she ought to go do kidney ultrasounds or something where she doesn't have to talk to people so much.

I almost didn't post this because it seems ungrateful and whiny (again!) and I know there are many of you who would happily have an ultrasound with Attila the Hun if it meant a healthy, normal baby. So I'm really sorry. It's hard to deal with infertility guilt on top of pregnancy hormones. I wish the appointment wasn't a letdown, but I guess my expectations were too high.

The baby looks great, measuring healthy and normal. That's the part I'm trying to focus on.

my brain, it is not working so good

Evidence that I'm losing my mind:

• I posted that last post to my old blog by mistake. Couldn't figure out why when I pulled my blog up, the post wasn't visible.

• I left my shopping cart behind at Target. I had things in it that I had shopped for, my purse, water, etc. and I was looking in the clothing section. I walked away from my cart, began to push an empty cart and went to another section. I only realized when I was thirsty and looked down and saw that I had an empty cart. Luckily, I found mine with all my belongings still there.

• I was driving home from the post office and it was a little blurry looking out of my right eye. I thought it was a hair or something. I rubbed my eye and realized the problem. One lens from my prescription sunglasses had popped out and I drove away without noticing. I went back to the post office and found the missing lens on the floor.

There are more examples, but obviously I can't be relied upon to remember or record them. =)

state of the ute: 16 weeks

miscellaneous pains on one side only + pain when urinating without a UTI = bonus pants-free u/s with complimentary probe action. Result? Pain is, as I predicted, most likely absolutely normal ligament/growth pain. I think one of the things that has surprised me most about being pregnant is how many little (and big) aches and pains there are. I don't know why that comes as a surprise, but there you have it.

Also, I have marginal placenta previa. This is the part where it sucks a little.

Marginal previa is really not a big deal. It means that the placenta is growing within 2cm of the cervix. In my case it's a lot closer than that (less than 1cm) so my doc has put me on pelvic rest. Ugh. Just when sex was getting interesting again. At least I vacuumed the entire house before my appointment because I'm not allowed now. Some women who have this aren't told to restrict anything. I could just do what I want, but honestly, I like that my doctor is a little on the cautious side with these things. He seemed totally unworried, though, so that's a good thing.

The problem with placenta previa (where the placenta completely covers the cervix) (if you care and don't know) is that you are at great risk for bleeding/hemorrhage prior to and/or during delivery and the only way to deliver safely is by c-section.

With marginal previa, the majority of cases resolve themselves during/by the third trimester. As the uterus grows, the placenta is typically pulled up and away from the cervix, usually far enough to have a safe vaginal delivery. In my case, we have several centimeters to go before that could happen. 2cm is sometimes enough, though 5cm away is much better. I am of the "better safe than sorry" camp as far as this pregnancy goes, and honestly, I just don't think that a c-section is the worst thing ever (I can think of many worse things. Bet you can too.) It's still super-early for that talk though, as we have weeks and weeks to go. Just explaining, really.

(skip this part if you don't want to hear me complain about trivial things)

On measurement. I love, love, love that my doctor has an ultrasound machine and that he's very liberal with the use of it. I almost always feel confident about this pregnancy and this baby. It seems like when I get really close to an appointment I lose some of that confidence. So it's always reassuring to see the creature moving about and hear the heartbeat (still a solid 160.) However, the (yes, totally silly) peeve that I have is that the pictures suck. I've seen lots of pictures from this stage and earlier and they're so great. Clear, obvious, human babies. Ok sometimes they're alien-like, but still. Clear. I don't know if it's the machine (P thinks it's like the very first u/s ever) or if it's that the doc is a sucky photographer, but the shots are terrible. This is a stupid thing to complain about, I know.

I think one of the reasons that it bothers me is that I'm away from home. I'm very close to my family and I've not been able to share this with them. I hate that I can hear the sadness in my mom's voice when she asks me if I'm showing and I tell her yes. I hate describing "newfangled" maternity clothes to my grandma and having to explain technological advances over the phone. I just miss them. They love getting pictures and it's very disappointing to have to say, "sorry, you can maybe make out a head on this one. Let me know if you need me to tell you where it is." And having my mom reply asking for helpful arrows and descriptions because she can't see anything. Not the worst thing in the world, obviously, but kind of demoralizing for me.

(/complaint)

Next week I have my "big" hospital ultrasound. They're going to check the placenta more closely, and give my doctor a more thorough evaluation on that matter in addition to all the regular stuff they're looking for. You might be thinking that 17 weeks is too early, but I've been down that road with my doctor and he wants to do it now. What's the worst that could happen? I have to go back? No big deal. And he wants more details on the placenta and I'm ok with that.

I did it all for you.

Recently, the baby has decided it wants a steak. I don't want a steak, so I assume it must be the parasite ordering room service. Little bugger really does take after P.

In a bizarre turn of events, I went to the store, approached the guy with the big knife and all the meat, and bought a couple of tenderloins (no hamburger would do!) My delighted husband prepared them and we all ate. For the first time in years, it wasn't awful.

glory be to the elastic waistband

WHO is in charge of keeping the secret of how great maternity clothes feel? I finally decided to end the "I'm a (chubby) slob" look and buy shirts that fit. And they DO! I also got a pair of shorts (though I typically loathe wearing shorts, I also have a low tolerance for heat and being pg over summer... anyway, they were on clearance for $11.)

P wanted to see what I got, and since I got such a lovely reception when I showed him my new bras, I felt confident in putting on a show.

I don't think I usually fit well in clothes. I always feel like they don't fall quite right and then I feel lumpy or uncomfortable or awkward. So far, maternity clothes have been awesome! My shirts have room for expansion without looking too sloppy (or too tight.) P, ever the fashion critic, seemed pleased that I'd actually bought something for myself and I could tell that he liked how I looked. I didn't realize how much my confidence could improve with a new shirt and a compliment. I'm sure this is also to do with the deeper psychological effect of having success after years of failure, but for that moment I just felt like a regular girl getting a compliment from her guy and it was great.

I'm still in desperate need of new pants though. It's a task I typically dread, pants shopping, but somehow the success of my new shirts has given me courage. (Now I just have to find the Old Navy with the maternity section and I'll be set!) That, and the super-comfy waistband of the shorts I bought has shown me the error of the rubberband on the too-tight pants trick. Get this- you can sit down without undoing your pants, the rubberband never falls off onto the bathroom floor, and when you're feeling bloated, your stomach is not in a bind! It's a win all around, really.

I know I have a few due date buddies, and all I can say is: Go for the new pants, you'll need them eventually, and you'll feel so much better!

i'm not just me anymore

I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest feeling. I was on my back and I could feel my stomach. Not with my hands. I had the distinct sensation that there was a part of my stomach that was not mine. I could feel it, but it felt separate. Very odd (and difficult to describe.)

On the subject of sleep. I suck at it now. I wake up all the time, I'm sore, and this sounds really whiny, I know, but I can't seem to help it. My bones feel like they don't go together properly. My hips are sore and so is my back. So far, the addition of extra pillows has done nothing but get in the way. I've been feeling much better overall, and the extreme tiredness is relenting. Or was, until yesterday, when I woke up feeling so tired that I thought I was going to fall down and die. I'm pretty sure this is how life prepares you for having a baby. I got my mom's confirmation on that. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a complaint post, so we'll just leave that there.

In general, in spite of any little aches or discomforts, I'm finding myself more and more... happy (and terrified, of course, but I'm pretty sure it's the happy that's important!)

confident and paranoid

I've been feeling better. I've been going outside! Of my house! Also, after doing no exercise at all since starting stims in February, I'm finally back on the treadmill. I've only been walking (slowly, and only for 30 minutes at a time) and thinking about increasing because all seemed to be going so well.

Last night I had some lower back pain (exactly like how it felt just before a period) and it freaked me out. Up until now I've had an assortment of aches and pains, but none that have struck me as possibly abnormal. I thought I was all confident and secure and all that, but last night my paranoia and worry came back all over again. After sleeping, I feel somewhat better (much less woried.)

Today I'm resting.