How freaking cute is this?

I am in love with the ears!

Of note

Item#1 - Thanks for the well-wishes. Being sick blows and I think I'm finally starting to kick this bug. That business about having a weaker immune system when pregnant rings true here. This head cold really kicked my ass! Stay healthy.

Item#2 - Mood swings/hormonal shifts fully in gear. Had a minor freak-out over a stroller this morning. I may or may not share the lunacy with you all at a later time. P thinks I've gone crazy, and I can't really disagree with him.

Item #3 - As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about the baby. I found myself wondering what it will sound like when she laughs. Just imagining it... indescribable.

sick

i had a slight sore throat that has turned into a miserable cold. i've spent the better part of the last four days on the couch. i was sick at the beginning of this pregnancy and didn't want to take anything and was able to make it through without. all this time, nothing byt tylenol for the occasional headache. yesterday i had to take a benadryl so i could rest and i felt really guilty. i took another when i went to bed and worried about the baby. i know it's ok because i've already gotten the ok on benadryl, but i still hated to take anything. odd for a person who is generally quite happy to take anything that will help. i'm probably getting dehydrated, but i can't seem to help it. anyway, i feel like absolute crap.

Mazel Tov!

Congratulations, Karen, on the birth of your triplets!

putting the "ass" in embarrassed

Here's why I dislike "just leaving a message," particularly for businesses:

1. I have no way of knowing if they got the message or if they really do intend to return my call. I suspect I'm not as important as they've lead me to believe.

2. If I do not receive a return call, how long am I supposed to wait before calling again?

3. I prefer to speak with a human.

4. When put on the spot, I sometimes space on my phone number (when I know I'll need to give it, I often have it written down ahead of time.)

***

I've been trying to schedule a L&D tour at my local hospital for two (three?) weeks now, but no one is answering the phone. I didn't want to leave a message for the reasons listed above, but finally, today, I decided that due to TIME RUNNING OUT, I'd better just suck it up and leave the message and hope for the best. After being reassured how important I was, I was given a long list of details to include in the message (and though I can remember them now, here, quite clearly, I began to panic a little at the thought of remembering them all once the exceptionally long recording gave me the opportunity.)

I heard the beep.

I said my full name.

And choked on my phone number, felt like an asshole, and hung up without leaving the rest of my message.

I'm pretty sure it went like this, "Hi, my name is Twirl. My phone number is.... wow, I can't remember my phone number." Click.

So now I have NOT scheduled my tour, I have NOT left a (returnable) message, and I feel like much too big an ass to call back anytime soon. I get it that it's not the end of the world or the biggest deal ever, but why couldn't someone just answer the phone?

I'm looking at you, too.

We were walking through the hospital and P pointed out that a particular nurse was kind of staring at me oddly. Naturally, I wondered why.

According to P, I had no big booger, TP on my shoe, tags sticking out, or giant spots of food on my shirt, so I really don't know why the odd stare.

Sometimes, just walking through the grocery store or something, I think that there must be an infertile person who is hurt by seeing me pregnant. It is on those days that I wish I had a sign that read, "it took four years! and a relaxing vacation never helped!" but then I realize that it wouldn't matter. Four years, four months, whatever, I still have something that someone else doesn't have, can't have, and I know how that feels. I wish I could make it better. I wish everyone was this lucky. I wish...

We *heart* NY

We're going to be a little busy this coming anniversary, so we decided to go on a trip a bit early and call it an anniversary/"babymoon"/last two-person hurrah for a good long while. We had a gorgeous room at the Ritz-Carlton, New York, Battery Park. When we arrived at our hotel, we were upgraded to a corner suite with a fantastic view of new york harbor on one side and the city on the other:







Did you know that you can take a picture through a telescope? (that was in the room already! what a great toy to include!)



We're going to have to wait on our traditional champagne toast (where we, um, drink the whole bottle like the night we got engaged) but we had a fantastic time just being together with no distractions.

maybe she reads my blog

I ran into a woman at BRU who was shopping for her six month old daughter. The baby kept staring at me so I said hello and smiled at her and told her that she had a lovely bib. Mom and I chatted for a few minutes and then parted ways. About 45 minutes later I was in Target looking at bumbo seats and saw the same mom. Again we talked for a minute and then parted ways. It was a neat coincidence and left me wishing I had thought to ask her for her phone number or something but it didn't occur to me at the time and I'm not really sure that's appropriate anyway. Is it? Sometimes I feel so incredibly socially inept.

We coulda picked a boy's name, easy.

Naming a baby is hard.

I've named every doll or stuffed animal I've ever owned (and am still the proud owner of Jennifer, Kimberly, and possibly Lisa, who reside in a box. somewhere.) I used to play school (mostly by myself) and pretend to be the teacher. I had an old log book where I'd have full names listed for my 32 students. I selected the names for each of our pets.

I've always loved names. I like letters and I like seeing how things look and sound and flow. I have the name book that my mom used to select my name and my brother's name. I like seeing what she highlighted but didn't end up picking.

Like most girls who were born in the 70s, I knew (know) my fair share of Jennifers, Melissas, and Sarahs. Even though I didn't have a top 10 name, it was common enough and I loathed being "Twirl LastInitial" in school. My name is unisex and it was a pain to be "theGirlTwirl" in class. My mom spelled my name in a less common way, and so I had that to correct that as well. On one of my name plates (you know, the things taped to the desk) my teacher added an extra letter to the end of my name and when I corrected her, she colored over the letter and made it into a house. I liked that even less than my last initial.

I used to want to change my name (to, um, Morgan Fairchild, which I thought sounded lovely even though I had no idea who she was at the time.) I have since legally added the extra letter to my name to make it the most common spelling. I like how it looks now and I correct people much less frequently.

I think about these things a lot when considering a name for my daughter. I'm committed to the most common spelling of any name and roll my eyes at the "creative" spellers (so sorry mom, I know you thought it was pretty!) Among my top 20 names, there was only one gender neutral name. Would she care if she ran into a boy with the same name? I used the SSA list as a starting point for name gathering and, much to the irritation of helpful-name-suggesters, have refused to consider anything in the top 20. Would she care if she had to use her last initial? I've pored over popularity ratings and trends for each name I've considered, trying to determine if what I'm thinking of will become "the next jennifer/madison/emily."

P thinks I'm nuts. I took the top 1000 for 2006 and began eliminating. I whittled the list down to 50 or so before I let P begin eliminating. He got us down to 20. From there, I've had a list on the fridge since we found out she was a girl. I've liked mulling over the possibilities. People ask if we have a name yet and seem surprised when I tell them that I'm just enjoying the process of choosing. They usually smile at me and say, "you have time" or "well, some people don't decide until the baby is born" or something like that because they don't believe me that I don't want to rush the decision.

I've let P do most of the crossing off since the original list was mine to begin with. I think we're down to three now. As much as I've enjoyed thinking about this, I'm ready to have a name selected. I'm feeling a little panicked that there isn't one clear winner standing out yet. I know it works for some people, but I don't want to take a list into the delivery room with me. But I want to love what we pick and so I'm second-guessing myself on the final three. I want it to be right.

If I loved one of them, wouldn't I know? Or is it something you can grow into?

I could totally ramble on about this for many more paragraphs (initials! nicknames! my love affair with the letter A!) than you'd probably care to read. I may have already. I really ought to just. stop. typing.

Ridiculously obvious conclusion of the day: The reality of naming a human is much more complicated than naming a doll or a pet or an imaginary classroom of students.

At the end of the day, it's the "being a mommy" that's most important to me.

Is anyone else not planning to take any childbirth classes? Because I seriously can't be the first person ever to think it is unnecessary (for me. you may feel totally different and I respect that. I swear!) I pretty much figure she's going to make an exit from my body one way or another, regardless of breathing technique or maternal preparedness.

When my nurse asked me about it and I told her that we weren't planning on going, she didn't blink. The doctor, however, seemed a bit surprised. As was my neighbor. And my verybestfriend (though after discussing it, she totally got me and she was just thinking that I'd do it because I'd want the "whole experience." bah.)

Did you know that you have to pay for these classes? How do poor people have babies if they can't pay for the classes? I'd rather spend the money on something else. And if you think I'm going to bring my pillow anywhere near a hospital floor, you may as well keep riding the elevator to the psych floor. Also, the whole group thing is really, really not for me. I loathe public participation in classes. Now, if this was a thing where we all got to sit at really big desks, preferably in a recliner of some sort, and listen to someone provide valuable info that I couldn't obtain anywhere else, you'd be much more likely to get me to hand over my credit card. But it's not. I'm pretty sure there are no recliners, and this is not top secret information.

I'm pretty sure I'm the type who will be really annoyed if someone keeps chanting "breathe" at me. As I commented on someone else's blog recently, I'd totally give birth alone under a staircase if I thought I could get an epidural delivered there. Between my tendency toward hemorrhagic cysts (remember, where you bleed out into your pelvis? SO fun!) and endo pain, I think I have a handle on my preferred pain-management style. And that, folks, would be drugs and a retreat into my own head. Not a happy place, not a focus object, not "soothing" music, and not my husband telling me what to do!

Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe it's because I'm a birthing virgin. You can laugh at my ignorance if you like. I may have a horrible experience all because I wasn't prepared enough. But it seems to me that there are plenty of people who end up not getting just what they want regardless of what they do or classes they take. I've already discussed my "birth plan" with my doctor. It was three sentences: "Healthy, live mom. Healthy, live baby. And I'd really rather not have an episiotomy please." He seemed fine with that. At this point, the "how" of birthing just isn't that important to me. Are there things I'm nervous or unsure about? Of course. But I'm thinking everyone is nervous or unsure to some extent, even those who choose to go to classes and write up a detailed birth plan.

I'm most looking forward to the after...

(ok, not the immediate after, really, but you get what I mean.)



*I do intend to sign up for the (free) L&D tour so I can see everything, get preregistered, etc. If I'm ever in the same place as the phone number, my phone, and a calendar, that is.*

placenta update

I had another hospital scan to check the placenta. As a recap, I have a marginal placenta previa (where the placenta is within 5cm of the cervix, but not completely covering the cervix.)

With a complete previa, the only safe delivery option is a c-section, and with a partial or marginal previa, a c-section is considered a good option when the placenta is close enough to be a hemorrhage risk. Most (upwards of 90%) low-lying, marginal, or partial previas move up as the uterus grows in the second trimester and do not pose any danger to the mom or baby once they've moved away from the cervix.

Mine hasn't moved. Not a bit. I'm still at 2cm. I would have expected to see some movement by the third trimester, so I'm not sure if I should expect it to go anywhere at this point. What does this mean?

I could be one of the 10% who doesn't have the placenta move, OR

I'll have the placenta move a bit sometime between now and delivery -and-
-it might not move enough and still may require a c-section for a safe delivery -or-
-it will move enough to have a vaginal delivery

I've seen 5cm away as the threshold for safely delivering vaginally, but it's subjective. I don't yet know what my doctor's opinion is as it was too early to discuss it when we found it and I haven't had my follow-up with him yet. At the very least, I'll likely be going for at least one more hospital ultrasound to check placement and/or movement as we get closer to the end.

on the phone with the inlaws

MIL: So do you have a name yet?

P: Not yet, we're down to those four I told you.

MIL: Well, you have time. Maybe you'll think of some others.


***


P & FIL are talking about nothing.

MIL: (in background, says something P can't make out)

FIL: I'm not asking him about that!

P: ?

FIL: (slightly disgusted) Your mom wants to ask you some questions.

MIL: Is Twirl planning on breastfeeding?

nesting

I like things clean and I love to organize. I have always believed that I'd be a prime candidate to go crazy nesting, but I didn't think it would start this early.

I live in a house with a full basement. Much to my neighbors' shock, it is nearly empty. We have a washer and dryer down there and on one short wall there are some neatly stacked boxes. Mostly holiday stuff, teaching supplies, and books. When we got a new couch, we didn't put the old one down in the basement. When we began to clear out the baby's room, we found a new home for the futon (guest bed) in another room. Being basement newbies, we didn't even realize how much garage stuff could really be basement stuff until last winter. Now the basement is the winter home of P's bicycle and two garden hoses. So you see, we are a curiosity around these parts to those who've always had basements and delighted in filling them with crap. I, on the other hand, am feeling the pressure to get rid of stuff.

I loathe holding yard/garage sales. How much is this? A quarter. Will you take 15 cents? UGH. But it is a good way to get rid of things, and I find myself wanting to take advantage of the end of summer and get rid of some things we don't need. I've considered craigslist, but for some reason that seems like even more work. But I have a million precious moments that are just taking up space in a closet (I collected them once upon a time, but haven't really been interested in them for several years now.) And then there's the microwave that's brand new but hasn't been used in two moves and the baker's rack that doesn't fit in the kitchen, but doesn't match my dining room, and the extra tv set... Too. Much. Stuff.

So I've been thinking about the organization stuff for a while now, but being on light duty, there's not much I can do but plan and obsess. On Saturday I decided that I could no longer stand the dirty carpet in the living room and began to give it a good once over with the vacuum (very carefully, of course) but it wasn't good enough. It looked like there was a lot of dog hair and dirt in the canister, so I took that apart and cleaned it. And then went to work to remove the inner filter and cleaned that. Then I got an exacto knife out and used it to cut away any dog hair left in the brush on the bottom, but couldn't get it clean enough. So I found a screwdriver and took the bottom of the vacuum apart so that I could clean it. Yes, folks, I took apart and cleaned my vacuum this weekend. Heaven help the person who turns off the ceiling fans because I know they're filthy and I have this urge...

I'm also wanting to change my blogger template. I don't feel like fussing with it myself at this point (which is why you have seen no changes) but you just never know.

And I still have 12 weeks to go.

update

I can't believe it, but I passed the GD screening! I really thought I'd need to take the three hour test. For the time, at least, my bagels are safe.

My iron is a tiny bit low, but nothing too concerning.

The baby is (still) a girl, and doesn't look as if she intends to grow any additional parts. We finally got a clear view and I'm very relieved that the doctor was correct before.

Even though I feel her kick a lot now, there's nothing in the world like hearing her heart beating.

It's all relevant to something, I'm sure of it.

1. Today is 27 weeks. Second trimester is very nearly over (or over altogether depending on your counting.)

2. I still have a sore spot on one cheek from the PIO shots. It's not always sore, but it's enough to be a reminder.

3. I had a dream that another blogger was pregnant. She was told she was having a girl and then later found out that it was a second boy. I really, really hope this was not secretly about me. There would be a ton of returns to make.

4. I took my 1hr gestational diabetes screen last week. I'm convinced I failed. I'm thinking I'll get the results at tomorrow's doctor visit. I could make a very long and rambly post about it, but the bottom line is that I'm really scared that I'll eventually have to give up bagels (the ONE food that does not ever cause reflux.) I know I'd have to fail the 3hr too before we start worrying about that, but hey, worrying is the one thing I don't procrastinate about!

5. Um, what else?

hijacking someone else's mommy

P really does not care about nursery furniture. He likes quality, but as far as style goes he claims not to have an opinion (he does, really, he just thinks he doesn't. Believe me, he sure knows what he doesn't like!) So my solution is to do the looking on my own and then show him any possibilities. All of that is to explain why he did/does not go with me when I went/go shopping. My mom can't go with for obvious reasons, and I don't really have any girls to go with so alone it is.

I was in USA Baby and checking out their matte white furniture options. A saleslady had pointed out all of the possibilities and I was walking around alone absorbing them when I noticed that another woman was admiring the same crib as me. We started up a chat about it and I learned that her daughter was pregnant with her first child, a girl, in November, and was looking for matte white furniture. So I offered to show her what the saleslady had showed me and we walked around the store together chatting about cribs and finishes (we both adore cherry, but I'm reluctant because of how scratches/teeth marks show...) and names, etc. Me and someone else's mommy.

So, if you live, you know, here, and your mom mentioned walking around the store with some random pregnant lady, know that your mom was nice to hang with for a bit. Not having your own mom around is rough, but sometimes you get lucky and having a loaner mom, even for an hour, was cool.

So sorry, but this is mostly about baby products (carseats.)

Just a warning.

After exhaustive research, I decided to get the Chicco Keyfit30. It's more expensive to start, but I like that you get more than 4-6 months of use out of it. It gets good feedback from parents and certified carseat techs have rec commended it as well. (I've totally been lurking carseat boards. I have way more info on this topic than I thought I 'd ever need!) Some people balk at the weight, saying that you wouldn't keep carrying it around because it'll get too heavy, but really, who cares if you eventually just leave it in the car and carry your baby another way? Just because it can be used as an infant carrier doesn't mean you're obligated to use it that way when it's uncomfortable.

I didn't place it on my registry yet because as of now the only color out is an ugly orangey-tomato color and I'm hoping the rest of the options come out before November.

I was at Target yesterday and I scored an awesome deal. I picked up a Graco SafeSeat1 (SS1) for just $32.48! Brand new, manufactured this year! They're not carrying them any longer (at least in stores) and I got the last one. They still have them available online for their full price... $129.99! So awesome. So for less than the price of a second infant base I got a whole second seat. This was my second choice seat (again, because of the higher height/weight limits) so I'm totally thrilled with my find. I still kinda want the keyfit, but for now I'm basking in the glory of my excellent deal.

99

Yesterday was a secret milestone for me. I hit the "100 days to go" mark. I didn't tell anyone that I was watching for that day, and developmentally there's nothing special about it, but for me, psychologically, it was important. I've been having internet problems (it took me three days to get that last post up, minus two additional pictures!) and so I forgot to post and now it's 99 days, which is also very exciting. I'm not sure what number I'll latch onto next, and if there is one, I'm not sure I'll remember it because I currently suck at remembering stuff. But I'll let you know. Or at least I'll mean to.

For what it cost, at least it gets plenty of use

My snoogle, (under the blanket) in all its daytime glory:

"so much stuff"

I want to start this by saying that I'm really enjoying being pregnant. I LOVE feeling my little girl kicking and rolling around (though, honestly, I could do without the bladder-grinder part) and I actually feel pretty good about my body. I like thinking baby thoughts even when they seem abstract. My MIL is beyond thrilled and I'm really happy about that. My own mom and grandparents are over the moon as well, even if they're sad it's all happening so far away. Finally, I feel like I can be a source of good and happiness for others instead of a depressing downer.

***

I walked around BRU with my mom once, when I was visiting, and it was kind of fun. I liked going with her and looking at things and seeing how excited she got at the idea of a 9lb stroller that folded up with one hand. I went with P once and was totally amused by him pulling strollers down and test driving them and watching him fold them up but then not being able to pop them open again so that when we left the section there was a line of closed up strollers resting awkwardly on the display shelf (sorry, BRU people, at least we gave you something to do!) And I went one day alone. Mostly, I prefer to shop alone. I like to take my time and look at what I want without worrying about other people. But that day hormones were getting the best of me as I looked around the store and saw people all in pairs. Husbands and wives, mothers and daughters, friends and sisters. I felt alone. Sometimes there are disadvantages to being a loner.

***

With all my unhappiness about the idea of a shower, you may have guessed that registering would also be a challenge for me. Even as I poo-poo-ed the shower idea, I knew I'd still need to do a registry. Our families are spread out over sevenish different states and the "what do they need/want?" question was bound to come up, (and has, frequently) so a registry it is.

Now, I approach baby products like I do everything else. (Exhaustive) research, read reviews, be sure, discuss with P, then purchase. I became obsessed with carseat safety and to that end, I feel very satisfied with my choice. It turns out that the carseat was the easy part. How do I select a pack n play? What color high chair should I choose? Just how important are sheets with elastic all the way around and is a mattress pad even safe for a baby? What's the deal with the diaper genie 2? If we empty the diapers daily does it even matter what type of disposal system we pick? I can easily become overcome with indecision on the trivial things, and safety issues really put me over the top!

So, I've been researching for weeks now. And for weeks now P and I have been getting the "when are you gonna register?" question. At first, it was easy because I was able to say "not until we know the gender" and no one could really argue it. Now that we know.... well, let's just say that people are starting to shop and it's in my best interest to get a registry up and running so that we get the things we really want (I don't really care if people want to buy gifts from wherever, and they are, of course, free to choose what they'd like, but since they're asking...) MIL keeps telling P how we need "so much stuff."

So I've started my registry online and put a handful of things on it. But I still need to go to the actual store and walk around with the damn scanner. And soon. Today maybe?

There's not much of a point to this post, really, but if you have a product that you love, I'd be glad to hear about it.

on gender

I've had this post in my head for weeks now, but haven't been able to actually write it out. With all the gender hoopla (crappy ultrasound day, impossible positioning, not being able to find out, being disappointed about that,etc.) I really wanted to put my feelings aside for a while on that subject. Partly because I don't want to be obsessed about gender and partly, if I'm honest, I don't want to be seen as overly concerned about it to others.

Here's the gist: I've been asked if I have a gender preference by many people and I always say that I don't. And that's the truth. I went back and forth many times thinking that I'd LOVE a boy or that I REALLY want a girl and I couldn't make up my mind. Then I came to the realization that I WIN EITHER WAY! I like telling people that.

Anyway, I was going to write all about my feelings on each and why and all this other crap, but the truth is, now that I know that this baby is a girl I can't make myself finish writing it all out. That's what happens when you let posts roll around in your head for too long. Now I can't even remember all that I wanted to say because my brain has been taken over by someone else and all I can think about is pink things and little dresses.

24 weeks

viability. what an awesome word. this is a huge milestone for me. they would really try to save my baby if it was born right now, today, and it would actually have a shot at making it. obviously i don't want my baby to be born at 24 weeks, but it's amazing to me that there's even a possibility for a non-tragic outcome.

there's a real, living, human rolling around in me. and it's more likely than not that it will stay that way. you know, alive. it's really mind-blowing.

at this point, my brain has gotten quite mushy and i frequently forget what i was going to say or do. i can't seem to come up with the proper words for things. i am the cliche that can't remember why i went downstairs. clearly, there's a leech sucking away my brain power.

i like how my belly feels. i like seeing it, and i like how i look with it. i'm even not so hateful about my infertility pounds. what i'm not wild about is the fact that polishing my toenails on my own may not be a possibility any longer, but i can live with that.

my very favorite thing is to feel the baby move. even when this morning we had another round of grind-mommy's-bladder-into-a-pancake-with-my-skull so that i was unable to get out of bed for about an hour due to the searing pain, i was actually happy to feel the baby moving. the movements are bigger, stronger, and more frequent. we play poking games with each other. this is, so far, my favorite part.

sucker punched

Alternate titles:

• Infertility: The Gift That Keeps on Giving
• How NOT to Keep Money in Your Savings Account
• Bending Over: What They Don't Tell You About Lab Work
• My Baby Sleeps in a Dresser Drawer Because We Had Nothing Left to Buy a Crib

***

Is it just me, or does no one really explain about the lab work fees? At my RE's office, I would regularly pay a fee for blood draws along with all the other procedure fees (ultrasounds, office visits, etc.) A few months after my initial appointment I began to get bills from Quest for my labs. They had been billed to my insurance and were usually partially covered, so they were never really extreme and I just paid them. It worked differently with my old RE at the ClinicFromHell, so at first, I had no idea that the bills were coming. Once the billing all caught up I got to know what to expect and it was no big deal.

When we began IVF, we knew we would not have insurance coverage.I worked out a deal with my doctor and we were able to get into a low-cost (ha!) program that made IVF accessible to us. I stockpiled stims in advance so that when I filled prescriptions for steroids, antibiotics, progesterone, needles, etc. they would be covered. I was labeled a "self-pay" patient and the (fabulous) billing lady made sure to only bill for services that would be covered and not raise any red flags. It was still expensive and I'm not ashamed to say that it wiped out most of our savings.
Still, we were very lucky. We were lucky to have a doctor work with us, we were lucky to respond to stims that I was able to gather in advance, we were lucky to have any savings to begin with, we were lucky that it worked.

I'm still paying for my February/March bloodwork. The bills seem to trickle in and they've all been manageable so far. At the time, since I had worked out a fee for my RE, I didn't realize that I was still on the hook for the blood, but I am and that's just the way it goes. Not exactly how I understood, but in this case, that's probably my fault and not the end of the world.

Of course, now, in JULY, we just got a huge lab bill for P. His JANUARY pre-IVF blood screens were not covered services. Apparently, this was also not a part of the package fee that the doctor explained. Naturally, P's labs were denied by insurance (and honestly, if I had really understood what they were doing at the time I would have known that they weren't covered, so it's not like they're the bad guys - other than not providing the coverage in the first place, of course.) So we're legitimately on the hook for this bill and it sucks.

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes because, really, what's another grand? I know. I swear, I do. I'd pay that and more to have this baby, but I do feel like I've been sucker punched. I didn't see this one coming at all.

I really wanted to donate my leftover meds, but now I'm considering charging a small fee for them. I feel guilty doing this, and I know it wouldn't make a dent in this bill, but money is starting to stress me out (to the point I've considered revising my NEVER AGAIN policy on yard sales!)

history of movement

14w4d: slight rippling vibration. brief. shocking.

15w3d: "bubbles"

Intermittent thumps/pokes, something lumpy is under me when I lay down

20w: someone either likes my singing to or is deeply offended by it.

21w3d: someone can now let me know that s/he is hungry/that I need to sit down/go to the bathroom/stop stressing out

22w: feeling regular movement. regular meaning daily, no real pattern or anything, but s/he's usually somewhat active in the evening and night. I can sense a strong reaction to caffeine.

22w3d: I wake up and want to feel the baby. I poke him/her. S/he pokes me back. HUGE smile for hours.

23 weeks. I may have felt the baby once last night (usually I feel more.) Not as strong as usual. Not responding to poking. Not responding to position changes. Have had a cup of caffeinated coffee and have so far felt no response. Trying to tell myself that babies are not reliable with movement at this stage and that it's normal to have a quiet, relaxed day(s?) Don't want to get worked up about it, but of course I really, really want need to feel something here soon. Like, now.

*** Update: I think the coffee finally kicked in. I suspect the baby has changed positions. I was hoping that by posting this that I'd feel something shortly after so that I could feel as though I was a big ole worrywart over nothing. It worked.

calling pet owners

Have any of you used 1800petmeds or petcarerx for things like flea/tick prevention and/or heartworm prevention? How did that work out for you?

hangin' with the old wives

leg hair growth = slower
bigger ass = probably
foot temp = same
fetal heartbeat = always over 140
watermelon or beach ball = i'll go watermelon, but it could be that I'm just wide!
i'd pick up a mug by the body or handle = body
increase of acne = yes
chinese gender predictor (lunar age)
more moody than usual = lately, absolutely!
hair thickness (thicker or stringier) = no change
carrying high or low = uh, in the middle
wedding ring = circles (but there's not a consensus of which this is supposed to be!)
orange juice = no thank you!
morning sickness = not much
sour or salty vs. sweet = sour/salty
dad gaining weight = nope
weight gain in the face = don't think so
craving meat/cheese = boy
skin drier = yes
chinese gender predictor
clumsy or graceful = clumsy
baby is very active
i'd pick up a key by the fat part

***

It's pretty shocking that they don't agree, isn't it? Gotta love my little "neutral" one!

no reply comment

Sometimes I want to respond personally to a comment you've left but I can't because I don't have your email address. If you use blogger, you can change your profile settings so that your email address is visible (and as far as I can tell, this gets you no additional spam) and it will show up to the blog owner when you leave comments. Or, you can just use the "email me" link under my name on the right and I'll save your address for future use. If I've never emailed you and you like it that way, please ignore this paragraph!

***

In other news, the baby has moved. Yesterday I was having an awful time peeing, it hurt like a bitch, never felt empty, and had blinding pain for a good part of the day regardless of how much time I spent resting. I also became nauseated and very tired. I was thinking infection, but my nurse informed me that once again, I'm peeing clean and though they'll send it out for more testing, it doesn't look like an infection. The doctor said the baby has flipped head down and is compressing my bladder. Holy fuck, that hurts.

***

Thanks for all the support on the shower thing. So glad to know that I'm not the only one not looking forward to the prospect, whatever the reason. Anyway, when I have an update or resolution I'll let you know.

ungrateful

I really don't want a baby shower.

The idea has literally reduced me to tears on more than one occasion.

I loathe opening presents and I really don't like being the center of attention. Being touched? Ugh. When I first went home with P for Christmas, one of my biggest fears was that they did the open a present one person at a time while everyone watches thing (they didn't.) Serious panic.

The people closest to me know this and though they think I'm crazy (and I'm not arguing) they generally indulge this quirk and mostly try not to make a big deal about it.

For weeks now, I've been laying the groundwork for commenting on not having a shower (and not in the way you do as a hint that you want someone to throw one for you!) to P and he has seemed fine with it. I didn't have a bridal shower (though a lot of that has to do with the fact that we had a very short engagement) and I don't feel that I missed out in the least. It's just not a tradition that's for me. We have no family or friends nearby. With everyone so spread out, I figured this was an issue that we'd be able to avoid fairly easily.

Obviously not. My MIL wants to give me a shower. And P did not immediately tell her that I'd rather not, which has put me in a very unpleasant position. I'm not close to MIL. We're not enemies or anything, we've just never spent much time together. She doesn't know me well either, and the reason behind the gift panic thing is long, dramatic, and complex. I don't want to try to explain it to her. My own mom barely gets it.

Speaking of my own mom, she thinks it's a lovely thing and I should just agree to it. It's not about me after all. When she told me this I took a shower and cried. I know it's not about me. But it is.

I actually have a secondary reason for not wanting a shower. Even if I really wanted it, literally none of my friends would be able to attend. None of my family would be there. It would be a couple of P's female family members and a few family friends that I've never met. It feels sad. Something that's supposed to be such a celebration shouldn't feel that way. And I would be sad not to have the people I love best there too (yes, even if I didn't want to have the shower in the first place. And I'd never want to exclude P or any other guys. I suffer, he suffers. Or I just want to be inclusive. Either way.)

I just don't want to do this. I never have. I know these are my issues and that they probably seem petty and ridiculous to some people. Who doesn't like presents? I hate letting people down and I know I will be doing just that.

I'm kind of waiting for someone to tell me that it's ok for me to feel this way, even if they don't personally understand. So far I'm alone.

I feel like I should tell you something, I'm just not sure what

I did go and see my family finally. That was great (the visit, not the travel, which was my very worst travel experience ever.) It was wonderful to be there, but it was hard to be there too. When I'm home, in my house, with P and my animals, I'm able to put the homesickness away for the most part, but when it's all right there... longing. I drove to the city P and I met in and past our first apartment. I went to the used bookstore that I've loved for years. I drove along the walking route P and I used to take every night and smelled the ocean (I'd walk it, but too much exercise for the still-restricted me.) I sat at my grandparents' dinner table like we used to do each Sunday and as happy as I was to be home, it also made me sad.

My mom took a day off of work and we were able to go look at baby stuff together. We had done some simultaneous internet surfing, but that's not the same as being there. It was fun to see her look at stuff. We didn't buy anything though. My grandma is desperate to know the gender so she can begin knitting a blanket and a hat.

I feel like a jumbled-up mess, but also really happy.

19 week update

The appointment went fine. I discussed the hospital u/s with the nurse and the doctor. There's not much they can do about it at this point (and really, there's nothing that I want done) but it did net me an extra-long u/s at the office.

The baby looks fine, likes to move, and is stretched out length-wise (transverse) making it difficult to zoom in and get the between-the-legs shot.

Doctor: I don't think I see anything between the legs... (keeps looking) ...well, maybe, ... (keeps looking) sorry, I'm just not going to be able to tell you today (keeps looking)

Twirl: That's ok. We'll find out eventually, I suppose.

Doctor: I'll give you some warning. I'll look again.

I believe the doctor has now taken this as a personal challenge (maybe it's a man thing. or a doctor thing, but he seemed pretty determined!) I was glad that he made a genuine effort for me, which is all I would have wanted from the tech.

P and I are considering naming the baby "Neutral." ha.

This makes three ultrasounds now where we could have potentially seen gender but haven't. P's mother has been poised next to the phone with her car keys and credit card in hand for months now waiting to shop. It's not all about shopping, of course, I'd also love to stop calling it "IT."

In related news, my placenta has not moved (even though the ute is growing appropriately) and I am still on restrictions/pelvic rest to include housecleaning, exercise, and sex.

one

I hear it's normal, but still...

A few days before each appointment I begin to feel anxious about the status of the baby.

After each appointment I feel relieved and confident not only that everything IS fine, but that it will continue to be so.

I really wish I didn't feel the first one.

***

I've felt plenty of pains that I've chalked up to ligament pains/uterine growth, etc. I felt my first severe, sharp, OMG, ligament pain from a sneeze yesterday. I yelled out loud and scared a kitty.

Thank you

Really and truly. It means a lot to me that you all don't think I'm whiny or ungrateful by being disappointed with this experience. It can be hard sometimes to accurately share the whole picture and I'm glad to have so many people who "get it" in my life, even if you do all live in my shiny laptop.

I wish I could tell you about...

... my placenta, but I can't because the tech wouldn't measure the placement of it. She just said, "it's fine, it'll move." How very helpful. Yes, I know most DO move, but my doctor wanted a better measurement. And I'd love to be off pelvic rest, but that won't happen until the doctor is satisfied that the placenta has grown far enough away from my cervix.

... my fibroid. Remember my fibroid? It was so tiny that no one ever worried about it. In fact, during my lap, the RE didn't think it was even worth messing with because it was so small. Of course now it is big, obvious, and growing. The tech's response, "2cm isn't that big." Ok, I know how big 2cm is. I'm not a moron. I also know that the fibroid was formerly measured in mm because it was so small. Yesterday it was the first thing visible on the screen. I'm thinking this is not a big deal, but the attitude was not appreciated.

... the gender of my baby, but I can't because the tech refused to look. She said "the baby is too small" (I think we all know that's not true) and then she said "the legs and feet were in the way." But she said all this as she was shutting the scan down. She didn't even try. She had no intention of ever looking.

... how exciting it was to have my "big" ultrasound. Because it was exciting. Or at least the parts where I could see the baby were exciting. Beautiful brain, heart, bones, kidneys, stomach, cord. So happy about that. But it was sort of overshadowed by the negative undertones I was getting from the tech. She was ticked that I came with a retrieval date and a due date, but that I wouldn't tell her my LMP because I did IVF. She was ticked because I was there at 17 weeks. She was snippy to P when he made a comment about the baby's heartbeat being high (it was 160 again. We know this isn't high for a fetus, but compared to OURS it is. And if 150 is mid-range, 160 is higher than that, so pfft.) She wouldn't look for gender and she was trying to get us out of there as quickly as possible (which she did, it was less than 30 minutes.) She was snippy with me when I noticed that the baby was sucking ITs thumb and blah, blah, blah...

Obviously she has lost the thrill for her job. You'd think she could muster up a tiny bit of excitement for people who were excited to see their baby. I think she ought to go do kidney ultrasounds or something where she doesn't have to talk to people so much.

I almost didn't post this because it seems ungrateful and whiny (again!) and I know there are many of you who would happily have an ultrasound with Attila the Hun if it meant a healthy, normal baby. So I'm really sorry. It's hard to deal with infertility guilt on top of pregnancy hormones. I wish the appointment wasn't a letdown, but I guess my expectations were too high.

The baby looks great, measuring healthy and normal. That's the part I'm trying to focus on.

my brain, it is not working so good

Evidence that I'm losing my mind:

• I posted that last post to my old blog by mistake. Couldn't figure out why when I pulled my blog up, the post wasn't visible.

• I left my shopping cart behind at Target. I had things in it that I had shopped for, my purse, water, etc. and I was looking in the clothing section. I walked away from my cart, began to push an empty cart and went to another section. I only realized when I was thirsty and looked down and saw that I had an empty cart. Luckily, I found mine with all my belongings still there.

• I was driving home from the post office and it was a little blurry looking out of my right eye. I thought it was a hair or something. I rubbed my eye and realized the problem. One lens from my prescription sunglasses had popped out and I drove away without noticing. I went back to the post office and found the missing lens on the floor.

There are more examples, but obviously I can't be relied upon to remember or record them. =)

state of the ute: 16 weeks

miscellaneous pains on one side only + pain when urinating without a UTI = bonus pants-free u/s with complimentary probe action. Result? Pain is, as I predicted, most likely absolutely normal ligament/growth pain. I think one of the things that has surprised me most about being pregnant is how many little (and big) aches and pains there are. I don't know why that comes as a surprise, but there you have it.

Also, I have marginal placenta previa. This is the part where it sucks a little.

Marginal previa is really not a big deal. It means that the placenta is growing within 2cm of the cervix. In my case it's a lot closer than that (less than 1cm) so my doc has put me on pelvic rest. Ugh. Just when sex was getting interesting again. At least I vacuumed the entire house before my appointment because I'm not allowed now. Some women who have this aren't told to restrict anything. I could just do what I want, but honestly, I like that my doctor is a little on the cautious side with these things. He seemed totally unworried, though, so that's a good thing.

The problem with placenta previa (where the placenta completely covers the cervix) (if you care and don't know) is that you are at great risk for bleeding/hemorrhage prior to and/or during delivery and the only way to deliver safely is by c-section.

With marginal previa, the majority of cases resolve themselves during/by the third trimester. As the uterus grows, the placenta is typically pulled up and away from the cervix, usually far enough to have a safe vaginal delivery. In my case, we have several centimeters to go before that could happen. 2cm is sometimes enough, though 5cm away is much better. I am of the "better safe than sorry" camp as far as this pregnancy goes, and honestly, I just don't think that a c-section is the worst thing ever (I can think of many worse things. Bet you can too.) It's still super-early for that talk though, as we have weeks and weeks to go. Just explaining, really.

(skip this part if you don't want to hear me complain about trivial things)

On measurement. I love, love, love that my doctor has an ultrasound machine and that he's very liberal with the use of it. I almost always feel confident about this pregnancy and this baby. It seems like when I get really close to an appointment I lose some of that confidence. So it's always reassuring to see the creature moving about and hear the heartbeat (still a solid 160.) However, the (yes, totally silly) peeve that I have is that the pictures suck. I've seen lots of pictures from this stage and earlier and they're so great. Clear, obvious, human babies. Ok sometimes they're alien-like, but still. Clear. I don't know if it's the machine (P thinks it's like the very first u/s ever) or if it's that the doc is a sucky photographer, but the shots are terrible. This is a stupid thing to complain about, I know.

I think one of the reasons that it bothers me is that I'm away from home. I'm very close to my family and I've not been able to share this with them. I hate that I can hear the sadness in my mom's voice when she asks me if I'm showing and I tell her yes. I hate describing "newfangled" maternity clothes to my grandma and having to explain technological advances over the phone. I just miss them. They love getting pictures and it's very disappointing to have to say, "sorry, you can maybe make out a head on this one. Let me know if you need me to tell you where it is." And having my mom reply asking for helpful arrows and descriptions because she can't see anything. Not the worst thing in the world, obviously, but kind of demoralizing for me.

(/complaint)

Next week I have my "big" hospital ultrasound. They're going to check the placenta more closely, and give my doctor a more thorough evaluation on that matter in addition to all the regular stuff they're looking for. You might be thinking that 17 weeks is too early, but I've been down that road with my doctor and he wants to do it now. What's the worst that could happen? I have to go back? No big deal. And he wants more details on the placenta and I'm ok with that.

I did it all for you.

Recently, the baby has decided it wants a steak. I don't want a steak, so I assume it must be the parasite ordering room service. Little bugger really does take after P.

In a bizarre turn of events, I went to the store, approached the guy with the big knife and all the meat, and bought a couple of tenderloins (no hamburger would do!) My delighted husband prepared them and we all ate. For the first time in years, it wasn't awful.

glory be to the elastic waistband

WHO is in charge of keeping the secret of how great maternity clothes feel? I finally decided to end the "I'm a (chubby) slob" look and buy shirts that fit. And they DO! I also got a pair of shorts (though I typically loathe wearing shorts, I also have a low tolerance for heat and being pg over summer... anyway, they were on clearance for $11.)

P wanted to see what I got, and since I got such a lovely reception when I showed him my new bras, I felt confident in putting on a show.

I don't think I usually fit well in clothes. I always feel like they don't fall quite right and then I feel lumpy or uncomfortable or awkward. So far, maternity clothes have been awesome! My shirts have room for expansion without looking too sloppy (or too tight.) P, ever the fashion critic, seemed pleased that I'd actually bought something for myself and I could tell that he liked how I looked. I didn't realize how much my confidence could improve with a new shirt and a compliment. I'm sure this is also to do with the deeper psychological effect of having success after years of failure, but for that moment I just felt like a regular girl getting a compliment from her guy and it was great.

I'm still in desperate need of new pants though. It's a task I typically dread, pants shopping, but somehow the success of my new shirts has given me courage. (Now I just have to find the Old Navy with the maternity section and I'll be set!) That, and the super-comfy waistband of the shorts I bought has shown me the error of the rubberband on the too-tight pants trick. Get this- you can sit down without undoing your pants, the rubberband never falls off onto the bathroom floor, and when you're feeling bloated, your stomach is not in a bind! It's a win all around, really.

I know I have a few due date buddies, and all I can say is: Go for the new pants, you'll need them eventually, and you'll feel so much better!

i'm not just me anymore

I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest feeling. I was on my back and I could feel my stomach. Not with my hands. I had the distinct sensation that there was a part of my stomach that was not mine. I could feel it, but it felt separate. Very odd (and difficult to describe.)

On the subject of sleep. I suck at it now. I wake up all the time, I'm sore, and this sounds really whiny, I know, but I can't seem to help it. My bones feel like they don't go together properly. My hips are sore and so is my back. So far, the addition of extra pillows has done nothing but get in the way. I've been feeling much better overall, and the extreme tiredness is relenting. Or was, until yesterday, when I woke up feeling so tired that I thought I was going to fall down and die. I'm pretty sure this is how life prepares you for having a baby. I got my mom's confirmation on that. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a complaint post, so we'll just leave that there.

In general, in spite of any little aches or discomforts, I'm finding myself more and more... happy (and terrified, of course, but I'm pretty sure it's the happy that's important!)

confident and paranoid

I've been feeling better. I've been going outside! Of my house! Also, after doing no exercise at all since starting stims in February, I'm finally back on the treadmill. I've only been walking (slowly, and only for 30 minutes at a time) and thinking about increasing because all seemed to be going so well.

Last night I had some lower back pain (exactly like how it felt just before a period) and it freaked me out. Up until now I've had an assortment of aches and pains, but none that have struck me as possibly abnormal. I thought I was all confident and secure and all that, but last night my paranoia and worry came back all over again. After sleeping, I feel somewhat better (much less woried.)

Today I'm resting.

Girl's Best Day Ever

Ok, so when you're a golden retriever puppy, EVERY day is the Best Day Ever, but there's something about rolling around in the mud (three houses down!), getting chased with a hose (and then tied to the deck for a better cleaning) and then having a bonus bath. With treats!

Second Trimester!

WOO-HOO!

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, I have a teeny-tiny vent about some people I know who may or may not be related to the baby and may mean well, but are driving me up the ever-loving wall where I can't even drink. Mixed-freaking metaphors.

For the love of (insert any freaking thing here) please, please, PLEASE stop asking when we'll know if it's a boy or a girl. We've told you. Several times. MANY times. That we MIGHT be able to find out in JUNE. We PROMISE to tell you when we know. I FREAKING SWEAR that it's NOT A SECRET so STOP ASKING. I'm dying to know too, you know, but I'm also getting to be a bit cranky about this (really? you couldn't tell?) and I've half a mind (literally) to not tell you at all.

Also, you just made me use a ton of caps, which I loathe.

***
Some picture posts to come soon (probably.)

10 Things I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

1. Trying to determine whether my doctor meant 12 or 13 when he said to stop injecting PIO at "12 or 13 weeks." And does that mean the end or the beginning of weeks 12 or 13?

I had my very last injection of the stuff last Thursday at 12 weeks exactly. I have had no side effects coming off of it. No cramping, no bleeding. There are still some sore spots, but they're going away. And my ass doesn't itch any longer! YAY! I meant to blog about this.

2. Preparing house for houseguests who have never been to my house before, ever, but who are coming now and staying overnight for three nights. SO much harder when you're too tired to clean the entire house from top to bottom in one giant cleaning day like I usually would. I keep pretty clean to start, so it's not like it's hard or anything, but I find that I can still only do so much in one day. Pain in the ass, that. Plus, there's the added bonus of nagging P to keep things clean when he's not quite as neat as I am.

3. Taking my sick Big Kitty to the vet because he vomited twice in 24 hours and had diarrhea in several spots on the floor in the room where the litter box is. Very odd. I took him to the vet, where the vet said that if I hadn't told him that the cat had these symptoms, he'd look at the cat and think he was fine. I left with tuna-flavored antibiotics, (which smelled SO awful, and my cat did NOT think they tasted like tuna) bland wet food that the cat refused to eat, and a syringe that I was supposed to fill with Imodium and give to the cat. He was better in 24 hours and we have no idea what caused the Big D in the first place. Not that I care.

4. Bathing my Woolly Mammoth of a puppy against his will. Boy is getting BIG. I have no pictures of this event, as I was busy keeping him from escaping the tub, but let me tell you it was a challenge. I had to tie him to the tub. The only way to get him to turn his head for the briefest of moments is to offer him a treat. Then he continues to plot his escape.

5. Going to Canada with my houseguests. We went to the CN tower, which is the tallest freestanding structure in the world. They say that they built it as a radio tower or something, but I'm pretty sure it was so they could get $21 a person to go up it. There's a glass floor at one part where you can look straight down. It was built to hold the weight of 14 large hippos, so I thought it sounded pretty safe for me to stand on.

6. Having my first real craving. In general, I don't eat meat. On occasion, I have had chicken, but I'd very happily live without it. Especially since the Chinese food night. No more chicken for me until further notice (my grandma is now worried. "Are you sure it's really safe to eat a vegetarian diet while you're pregnant?")

I wanted a steak. BAD. P had been talking to someone about a particular fillet at Ruth's Chris, and I've been wanting it since Easter. My mom said it must be a real craving if I was wanting beef. So I had it. And the baby was happy.

7. Thinking about blogging. Like I said, I was going to blog about the end of PIO, putting my needles away, photographing them, etc. but I didn't get to it that day. Then I was busy. I realized that my next appointment was Monday and I kind of felt like waiting, because as much as I'm really in a good place about the chances of getting to live baby, I just had this feeling that I should wait to say more until after the next appointment. I felt like I needed to see the heartbeat once more. I've been thinking a lot about making it to the second trimester (Thursday) and how I'll feel then.

8. Getting another look at our wiggly grey offspring (I must admit, I am hoping he comes out in color.) The very first thing I intended to look for when my fetus came into view was the heartbeat. I was, however, distracted by the way he was frantically kicking his legs. The little sticks were the very first things I noticed. He refused to sit still for a picture and the one I have is so blurry I had to ask the doctor where the baby went. He did this the last time too, except then it was flips or spins or something. On the screen he was very clear though. I was relieved to see that he appears to be a human, and the doctor wondered if I was expecting something else. I wasn't, but it's still nice to be sure.

He's going to have to cut down on some of that activity at some point, because there's not going to be room in there forever for his marathons (P thinks he's a runner) or his tumbling or soccer or karate practice or whatever he's doing in there for too long. My ribs aren't looking forward to the future.

We also heard the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time. 160. Very cool.

You may have noticed that I've used the masculine pronoun. Means nothing except I didn't feel like saying "it" today. I use them both at home, but just picked one for today for continuity.

9. Whining about how I have nothing to wear because it's getting warmer and the only things that fit are winter clothes. I bought some new bras and my breasts thank me for it, but they weren't the only problem. Apparently when your breasts enlarge your shirt rides up more. And that's not even accounting for the poochy stomach. All short sleeve shirts are inappropriate without wearing something underneath. I wear a long tank under everything. Every day. Like many pregnant people, I'd like to look more pregnant and less fat. I'm sure I'll get my wish soon enough. I do need to go shopping though.

10. Taking a nap. I intended to write this post all day (ok, to be honest, I meant to post yesterday) but it seemed like quite a task and I had to take a nap first. It was lovely. I woke up all on my own. I am very cranky when woken up against my will already, and I haven't been sleeping that well lately, so the nap was a good thing.

my dirty little secret

I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester is winding down and so are the progesterone shots. They're finally starting to bother me, btw, and I've got the large lump, bruises, and itchy spots to prove it. All for a good cause.

***

I get it about the digestion slowing down. I can no longer eat a real dinner because I go from zero to full in no time. This makes it hard to really get balanced meals because I simply can't eat enough. So I'm not worrying about it. I also am falling short on my water consumption. I'm just too full. If I eat, there's no room left for water and if I drink all my water, I'm too full for food. So everything is getting shortchanged. Sometimes this bothers me, but mostly I know I'm doing the best I can. I have plenty of fat stores to go around.

***

My pants are tight. It won't be too long before they're unwearable. Most of my tops feel snug and do not lay properly. I'm wearing two shirts most days (that I'm not in sweats.) My bras are embarrassingly small. I desperately need to buy some with a larger cup size. But that would require the motivation to go shopping and I simply do not have it. I can usually manage one errand or household task per day and then I must loaf on the couch. The cats love this routine, but I hate feeling like I'm never getting anything done.

***

And so here's the secret:

In spite of infertility, I really believe I'm going to have a baby in November.

A craving, in three acts

Act One:

Twirl: You know what's not the same as chinese food?
BFF: What?
Twirl: Top Ramen, oriental flavor.
BFF: Uh, did you really think it was?

Act Two:

Twirl: I'm only having dinner if we can have it RIGHT NOW.
P: Otherwise...?
Twirl: Otherwise it will be too late and I'm NOT EATING.
P: Ok, let's go then.
Twirl: I don't want to go anywhere. Chinese?
P: You want me to go get chinese?
Twirl: You're volunteering? That's great! Let's have chinese!

Act Three:

P: Are you ok?
Twirl: (hugging toilet) Yeah.
P: Uh, are you sure?
Twirl: I don't want chinese anymore. Ever.

10 weeks (in sort-of haiku)

Reflux, nausea
Can't eat much of anything
Tums are my new friend.

***

Exhausted all day
Only want to take a nap
Gimme my pillow

***

I can't believe it
One quarter pregnancy done
We have a fetus!

Wasn't it yesterday when he was small?

I can't believe you're eight. When I got you, you were only a month old. Your kitty-momma had stopped feeding you and so you needed a home. I pulled you from a drain pipe where you were hiding on a friend's balcony and took you home with me. You fit in the palm of my hand. You slept in a tiny wicker basket with a washcloth and I put you in a closet because I was afraid you'd get lost behind the refrigerator or something.



Those were the days, weren't they? Nice naps on a crappy couch in our first apartment together... I still wore "gold" jewelry, had green fingers from finger-painting, and amazingly thin thighs. Sorry, this was about you.



You let me dress you up and you were a lovely subject. You'd object to this treatment now, but at the time you didn't mind. (I swear.)



Now you're my big kitty. You're in charge of the kitten and the puppies. It's quite a house to run, especially when you consider all the duties you have. Between performing your perimeter checks each night, to watching me shower each and every day, you really have your paws full. I'm glad you still have the time to rest in the sunlight. You deserve it.



So, my big kitty, you are eight years old today. I know it's rough to share your special day with your daddy, but I'm hoping you know how special we both think you are. (I'm thinking you'll understand more fully when you're presented with some of tonight's chicken.)



Plus, you're damn good at holding things down. (That kitchenaid 5qt. mixer I got for daddy was bound to blow away in the wind!)

Happy Birthday.

From her mouth...

We never told P's parents about our IF. When we were towards the end of this cycle, P emailed his dad that we were doing IVF but not to spread it around in case it didn't work. His dad emailed back, "What's IVF?" P told him, but we never heard another word about it. We honestly didn't know if he understood or if he even told P's mom. They're not the most worldly people, so we kinda thought they just pushed it aside because they didn't know what it meant.

Anyway, when P told his mom on the phone that I was pregnant, she gave him one of my favorite lines ever.

"Make sure you see a doctor."

I laughed when I heard it through the phone (although I did have the grace to try and muffle my laughter with a pillow.) I've laughed out loud each and every time I've thought about this. I meant to tell my RE too, as I'm sure he'd be amused, but I forgot in the heartbeat and PIO and graduation terror and all. Still damn funny though.

Why the hell would he laugh at me? (or, welcome to my mood swings)

The other day I felt cranky for no particular reason and P asked me why I was staring out the window at the street and I answered that I didn't know. Then I went to our DVD rack and pulled out two that were dumb and I decided we'd never watch them again and they weren't worth giving away and I threw them in the trash.

Then I cried. Because, you know, it was all so ridiculous and I knew that, and P was laughing at me, and I still couldn't help it and I was sad and there was no good reason for any of it.

dignity

brief updates, more later

1. will continue progesterone through first trimester per my OB. Relieved.
2. saw embryo/heartbeat again. Relieved.

addicted

I'm 8w2d today. My RE said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks. I haven't.

Is it just me, or does it seem like most people stay on it until 10ish weeks? It seems crazy that there's no testing when you go off this stuff. I haven't had my progesterone tested since 4w6d. It was fine then, but how do I know it will be fine if I stop the support now?

I think it would be different if I was having a strong negative reaction to the injections, but I'm not. I don't like it, of course, but it's not the worst thing ever. I had leg/hip soreness for the first three days, but none since then. I'm getting a little bruised and a little sore, but nothing like the horror stories you read. It's just not that bad. And since the RE said it won't hurt anything... well, I just can't seem to quit.

completely overwhelmed.

I've been really overwhelmed.

I don't think I really realized just how tense I was feeling about last Friday's ultrasound. At 7w1d, there was no real reason to see anything ambiguous. Healthy visible heartbeat, or... well, you can imagine the possibilities. I know I did.

I was edgy all day long.

I wore my "good news panties" (and you may laugh at that if you like.)

But, in the end, we did see a heartbeat. A real one this time, not just a flicker. Of course, my little underachiever was beating at the very minimal acceptable level for age, and still measuring behind by nearly a week, so there's room for worry when I feel the need. I'm trying my very best not to though, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

When the scan was done and the nurse left me to dress, I stared at the still image on the screen and began to cry a little. P wanted to know what was wrong, and there was no real answer. Fear, worry, hope, the future. It was all too much for me.

I graduated on Friday. I was shaky when wrapping it all up with the RE. He said I could stop PIO at 8 weeks (8wks? seriously? doesn't that seem early? that's this thursday! what if i'm not making enough on my own?) and that I need to stay on the aspirin until 12 weeks. I can go to an OB now. A real, regular, average, run-of-the-mill OB. For fertile people. So strange. I have an appointment for next week to meet him.

I tucked the ultrasound photos discreetly into my purse and went to the checkout counter and the woman asked me if I needed to schedule another ultrasound. I said no and felt like crying. She congratulated me, though I wished she would be quiet about it because there were three other women waiting to check out and statistically, they had not all had good news appointments that day. I felt bad and hoped none were upset.

I've been having a rough time with my emotions lately. I'm so excited. It almost even seems real. But it's scary. I know how to do infertility. I know how to go for bloodwork and ultrasounds and give injections and take pills. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be a mom, but it's been years since I've actually thought about being pregnant. Somehow I wasn't prepared for this.