Once More, With Feeling

on hold

2009-01-14T20:27:00.003-05:00

my life sucks right now.

there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

i don't feel like writing when there's so much i'd like to say, vent, share, ask, but i can't.

i don't know when i'll be back, if ever.

thanks for being my friends for the past few years.

ETA: Birdie is healthy, fine, a dream come true in every way. Sorry, I should have made that clear.

76 degrees

2008-12-30T18:35:00.003-05:00

We took Birdie to the park today.

I dressed her in a tank dress and hat (for sun protection, not warmth.)

I miss living in California.

Birdie

2008-12-28T18:15:00.001-05:00

My daughter is fearless, and though she could rival any drunk penguin in a walking competition, when she's really excited her little legs move quicker than her balance can keep up with. Her poor head usually suffers in some way. I know bumps, scrapes, and bruises are all part of the deal, but I just feel so bad for her when she tumbles headfirst into nothing (or worse, headfirst into something.) All in all, she is getting pretty good with her walking and has not crawled at all since her birthday. Apparently, crawling is so eleven months.

Birdie is in love. She has her own baby and she is a fantastic mommy. She is sure that her baby is always dressed appropriately (no hat needed, and do NOT try to sneak it back on) and that she is jammed in her stroller/walker safely (head-first = ok; two legs in one leg hole = ok) and she is never without LOVE. Birdie has learned how to give LOVE and if you are the lucky recipient of a kiss, watch out for the tongue (we're going to work on that before school, I swear.) Having so many pets, we've tried to teach about gentle petting from a very, very early age. It has worked. Mostly (who doesn't enjoy the occasional slightly-harder-than-gentle tap?) She regularly pets the pets, her stuffed animals, her babies, and us. I love baby love. Chubby arms around my neck for a tight hug are the best thing ever.

Birdie can dance the rhythmic baby squat. It's beyond cute.

I came into the room I have her PnP set up as I heard some sounds alerting me that she was awake. From the doorway, I saw the kitten sitting on the floor in front of the PnP, and the baby sitting inside facing the kitten with a blanket over her head. Apparently I interrupted a delightful game of peekaboo.

I hate teething. Teething is from the devil.

I have still managed to resist all attempts made by enthusiastic friends and relatives to give Birdie a french fry. I don't care if "she would like it." She has her whole life to eat crap, I'd like to keep her as ignorant as possible as long as I can. I love that she loves plain cheerios and doesn't need the flavored ones. I love that she'll eat as many blueberries as I'll give her. I feel good seeing her drink a cup of water. We have friends who smirked a laughing parental smirk when I told them the types of things she eats. "Just wait till your second," the father said, "with the first you make it all yourself, but by the second, you're telling them to microwave her own hot dog for breakfast!" Could be. But for now, we're doing it this way.

She likes to be flipped upside down. Repeatedly.

Birdie likes to bring me things. Sometimes it's her own toys, plastic dishes, bits of shredded kleenex or toilet paper, or teensy blades of grass she found on the floor. Sometimes she just likes to pretend to hand me things.

My daughter has a TEMPER and she gets ANGRY. She has been known to pound her tiny fist furiously on a table or highchair tray if denied the object of her desire. She is currently perfecting her temper tantrum skills. She can arch her back, wriggle out of a hold, make all or part of her body perfectly rigid, and she can do it while screaming, sobbing, or both.

She can stick her tongue out and wiggle it around. She can cluck and click. She can shake her head no. She likes to brush her teeth with me. Even though she's still pretty bald, she pretends to comb her hair. She can show you her new shoes. She likes to read and climb stairs and growl and laugh and wave to strangers.

She is obsessed with the phone and will stare at anyone she sees talking on one (and then point and say "nuh! nuh! NUH!" until you acknowledge the presence of a phone.) She knows where all our phones are and where they are at her grandparents' houses. Having a cell phone in her hands will nearly always stop a fit, but it will prevent some of your buttons from working in the future if they get too slobbered/chewed.

Her favorite word is still mama.

We went to an awesome Christmas house (it was featured on HGTV) and she stared in awe at the lights and squealed with delight at the reindeer. She loved watching the train and listening to the music. When we visited Santa she was more impressed by the big tree than the big man. She didn't cry, but she didn't smile either.

She can squat, bend down, and pick up her sippy cup with just her teeth.

She's sweet and smart and strong and funny and curious and soft and squishy and wonderful.

I love her and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I hope she always knows.

The Very Best Place and Time to Get Stomach Flu. Ever.

2008-12-12T13:16:00.003-05:00

I had the worst flight(s) of my life on Tuesday.

I'd like to issue a public apology to those on the flight(s) with me. I know that must have been disgusting for you. If I had any idea at all that was going to happen to me, please believe I never on a billion years would have gotten on the plane. Believe me, no one likes to have to use a ~~two~~ three barf bags and certainly no one wants to throw up so violently that they miss the bag and puke on their own pants and shirt and jacket on the first leg of their trip. I'm not even going to discuss the other ways stomach flu on an airplane can be less than comfortable. Thank you, Mr. Flight Attendant, for not making me feel any more humiliated than I already did. And thanks for watching my daughter.

PSA: There's a very nasty stomach flu virus going around, particularly in NM and TX. Wash your hands thoroughly and often and avoid small children. Or just wash, your call.

halfway there

2008-12-07T10:59:00.003-05:00

I am really, really glad I have friends in Texas! I think everyone had had enough of the car and hotels and the being strapped in and the strange smells and not-my-beds and off-schedule eating...

I am also really, really glad to be able to visit friends! Having a great time here.

The next part of the plan involves the adult humans splitting for further travel. I'll be flying with Birdie and P will drive the rest of the way with all four critters. P's dad thinks we need a psych consult. I think we just need to keep a sense of adventure (and humor!) and a little luck in the sleep department wouldn't hurt either!

holiday insanity

2008-12-04T21:54:00.001-05:00

cross-country trip...

2 cats

2 dogs

1 baby

solo

2008-11-29T13:36:00.002-05:00

P took Birdie to the grocery store. By himself. For the very first time. And it was his idea.

I don't know what to do with myself! I've already vacuumed the upstairs and now I'm having a chipsandsalsa break. I think I'm going to turn the stereo up. LOUD!

impotent

2008-11-29T09:29:00.002-05:00

I've been away.

My ILs have no computer.

No one in their neighborhood has wireless to steal.

Dark ages.

Glad to be home.

one more wake-up

2008-11-21T16:02:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow my baby will be one.

That is all.

YAY! (I hope.)

2008-11-20T15:54:00.003-05:00

Guess what? Speaking up works!

My balloons (not just any ole latex balloons, btw - I'm very afraid of those - these are 30" mylars) are going to be expressed here, hopefully by noon on Saturday. Just barely makes the cut, but in this case, barely works! Now, everyone just has to do as they said they would.

I'm sure she doesn't read my blog, but huge thanks to A.L. in Brooklyn for helping me get this fixed! I hope your child loves the Sesame Street balloons you picked as well - they're in the mail!

I'm sure it seems silly to get all worked up over something like this, but... sorry, can't be helped.

pissed.

2008-11-19T16:31:00.003-05:00

I won two large mylar balloons on e.ba.y for Birdie's birthday.

I got balloons in the mail today but they aren't mine.

I doubt it's fixable before Saturday.

PMS defined

2008-11-17T15:48:00.001-05:00

The firm belief that the universe is conspiring to piss you off.

is it awful...

2008-11-16T10:21:00.002-05:00

...that I miss my husband even more when he's away and the weather's bad and I have to take out the dogs?

Here's the thing:

2008-11-13T19:20:00.003-05:00

I know I'm vague.

I don't share everything on this blog because I'm just not comfortable with doing so, regardless of how "anonymous" it may appear. Some of you know more about me and my family. Chances are, if I've emailed with you I consider you a friend. I'm just not comfortable having too much out here for all to read forever. I also try to only write things that I'd be ok with P reading. Obviously that's limiting, especially when he's the problem (sorry, sweetheart) because I could really use a good vent now and then.

Life here is stressful. We're dealing with several monumental changes at once and it's putting a lot of strain on us individually and as a family. While I'm confident we can and will make it through, for now we're currently living life on a roller coaster. On thin ice. At the edge of the world. (Sort of like the Grinch and Max and the sled full of stolen Whoville gifts and goodies.) For someone who thrives on routine and predictability and planning ahead, this is particularly rough.

I wish I could tell you more. I wish I could tell you everything. Thank you for being there for me anyway.

being grateful

2008-11-10T20:55:00.004-05:00

he turns my heated seat on in the car when we're going out together.

he bought me a book because he knew I finished my last one.

he recorded a show, just for me (not him) because he thought I'd like it.

I meant to tell you

2008-11-08T20:52:00.003-05:00

Birdie was a black cat like our Big Kitty for halloween. She thought it was hilarious, and since the words she has said so far include: mama, dada/yaya, bubba (Big Kitty), meh (the kitten) and "meow" we thought the kitty thing was appropriate.

We took her to a mall so she could see the kids all dressed up (we don't get trick-or-treaters here.) Of course, she refused to say "meow" for anyone. At first, she just gave everyone a cold stare. She eventually warmed up and gave huge smiles and reveled in the joy of people telling us and her how cute she was.

Then she wanted to practice her walking. At just that time a giant Dunkin' Donuts Donut Man came along. Our little Birdie was soooooo excited and tried to get to him/her/it. She's not a great walker yet though, so we toddled hands and fingers down the mall walkway at a remarkably slow pace for people chasing someone. Hearing my little girl squeal with delight and YELL as she "chased" a giant donut was pure comedy. Best Halloween Memory. =)

generally annoyed

2008-10-24T21:13:00.002-04:00

at my husband. not going to list my grievances. they're mostly petty. but i'm still annoyed.

We (ok, I) voted "NO" on the first birthday sugar coma

2008-10-23T09:12:00.002-04:00

If you know of any good cake (or possibly bread) recipes appropriate for a baby (or, *sniff* toddler) feel free to share.

I do have access to google, and can search myself, so I'm really just looking for recipes YOU have had personal experience with (as opposed to random links you've found.)

Apple is a strong favorite here, and though I'm hoping to limit sugar and eggs, using them minimally will be fine.

Thanks!

she's ba-ack

2008-10-20T15:51:00.003-04:00

I think the endo is back. I'm starting to experience some pain issues again. I'm also pretty sure that I have a cyst. What this means for my current and future fertility and family-building is... the ten-thousand dollar question. I have tons of other things to worry about right now, but I wouldn't be a good infertile if I didn't devote at least some of my worries to the status of the mess down yonder. I could do without the pain though.

points of interest

2008-10-14T17:02:00.003-04:00

Open House #1: done! I hear (from my neighbors, who were counting people) that there were tons of people here. Only time will tell if that translates into (good) offers.

Weekend Trip: we went to visit P's parents. While there, P's grandfather died. They weren't close, so he's not particularly sad or anything, but it did make it a different sort of visit. Birdie helped distract everyone. She is not currently a good traveler. She does not sleep well at all in strange places, no matter how much I try to make her environment seem like at home. She's just sensitive to changes in her routine, I guess. I am not in love with middle-of-the-night screaming that lasts for a million years, even though I understand the problem.

Birdie: big day today - Birdie took her first unassisted step. She's been cruising for a while now and standing on her own, so I knew it was coming. I still want to cry though! My baby is getting so strong and independent (just as she should, I know, but still...) She's in love with pointing and we spend lots of time pointing at things, naming them, and giggling about it all. She has decided that she no longer cares for pureed veggies, and is currently in love with cheese.

My grandma: is in the hospital. She had surgery recently and is not recovering as well as we were hoping. There's nothing that my being there would accomplish, but I still feel bad being so far away. She will probably recover fully, it's just not going very quickly. And it's not easy to watch in the meantime.

psychoanalysis? no need, i think it's pretty clear!

2008-10-09T09:20:00.000-04:00

The dream version:

P left us on the way home from a long trip to go fight a fire. Birdie climbed out of her carseat and got into my seat with me and climbed up my face. We were almost home and we would have made it if there had been two adults, but I had a challenging time driving with a baby on my face.

What really happened:

I woke up to a scream from Birdie's bedroom at 5am (she gets up between 7-8.) Usually I wait and see if she'll go back to sleep, but in my sleep-daze, I jumped up and went right to her and scooped her up out of her crib without thinking. I realized what I had done and fed her and rocked her a little and put her back in her crib.

She did not fall back asleep. She moaned and whined for a half an hour. I tried to sleep through it (yeah, I'm awful.) P did sleep through it (the whole thing. he usually does.) At about 5:30, I went and brought Birdie to our bed. I offered her a nice full boob and hoped for sleep. I drifted a bit (I was so very tired) and managed to fall asleep enough to dream sometime in the 6 o'clock hour. I woke up with one hand clutching a handful of Birdie's sleepsack and the other brushing a baby off my face as P slept peacefully next to us.

conversations with a ten-month-old

2008-10-08T09:12:00.004-04:00

(yaya = daddy)

(you can guess which line corresponds to which human.)

"can mommy have daddy's ipod please?"

"blehmamama"

"can mommy have it?"

"dada yaya"

"give it to mommy. please."

"eh!"

"put it in mommy's hand please."

"melaaaa amama mama mama."

"give mommy daddy's ipod..."

"thank you, baby."

"bleh ah yaya yaya!"

untitled

2008-10-03T15:48:00.002-04:00

So, Birdie had a "raging" ear infection. (sorry about the lack of updating - I did on twitter though!) She seems a lot better now that the antibiotics have kicked in. I'm feeling a lot better too, just tired.

We spent the last couple days getting the house "picture ready" so we could put it on the market. I'm looking out the window of Birdie's room and I see a "for sale" sign on our front lawn. It makes me sadder than I thought it would. The thing I'm most bummed about leaving is this room. It's perfect. I love being in here with my little girl and she loves it too. I look around and I see all the time and effort and planning and hoping and dreaming that went into this space and... yeah. There's going to be one sad mommy the day I pack this room up.

and back to the doctor we go

2008-09-29T12:41:00.002-04:00

ugh.

Birdie spiked a high fever again last night.

Her symptoms have never fully cleared up.

She still has a fever even with round the clock tylenol.

The thermometer will now only read "err"

all = another visit to the ped

Poor baby can't sleep and she looks quite pitiful and miserable with her red eyes. She didn't even finish her very favorite lunch in the whole world (yogurt.) =(

Tunisian Death Flu.

2008-09-26T14:04:00.003-04:00

~~A week~~ two weeks, in review:

Birdie got sick.

P got sick.

I remained healthy.

Birdie improved a lot.

P improved a lot.

P had an unfortunate accident with paint stripper leaving chemical burns on one leg.

P got sicker.

I got sick.

I got sicker.

I think we're all on the mend now. My head feels like I'm under water and I have cotton in my ears, but I no longer feel compelled to call my loved ones for one final goodbye.

And that's what I've been doing. You?

...and then I thought to myself,

2008-09-21T20:14:00.002-04:00

"I really want to remember this moment, this feeling, right now."

Birdie and I were playing in her room. Actually, I was sitting on the floor, reading a paperback book and Birdie was playing. I watched her as she crawled over to her books and selected one. (I am so puffed up with pride and joy that she often chooses books to chew over other toys.) This time, she opened a book on her lap and inspected a family of bears.

She looked up from her book and grinned at me.

A perfect moment.

Is there anyone out there who feels as though they wouldn't change a thing if they could?

2008-09-19T15:07:00.002-04:00

Today I exploded a little. Not in an angry way (ok, there were some angry bits) but mostly in a "there's-too-much-inside-and-something's-bound-to-come-out" sort of way. There have been a lot of little things (and some not-so-little ones) building up around here making it a generally unpleasant place to be. I think the air has finally been cleared a little.

Are things better? I don't know. I got to have my say, but I'm not totally satisfied with all the answers I got. I don't really have a choice about that though, since I'm not in charge of the world.

I think that's something I never considered. That there would be times, in marriage, in life, that you just aren't satisfied with how things have turned out AND you may not be able to or want to do anything about that.

Probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's meaningful to me. I guess we make compromises about things all the time and we don't even realize we're doing it.

alone

2008-09-16T21:09:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting here alone tonight (well, as alone as I ever am with my zoo) and I'm kind of down. It's one thing when P is away for work, sure I miss him, but I get why he is wherever he happens to be. But sometimes (like now), when he's out with friends, just having fun... I just feel ... very on my own.

One Thing I Won't Miss When We Move (Again.)

2008-09-11T19:47:00.000-04:00

How freaking slow do you have to be driving to be passed by the MAIL MAN???

cringe

2008-09-10T15:08:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure I was able to keep it inside, but ouch.

"How old is your baby?"

"Nine months."

"Oh, she's so tiiiiiiiiny."

It's not the first time someone has said that to me and usually I just think that they must all have gigantor babies or their babies are teenagers and they've forgotten or they're just not good judges of size. I used to just shrug it off because for a long time Birdie was in the 95% for length and has the thighs to match. Now? Yeah, she's not that big percentage-wise any longer. But she IS average (I don't want to look up the number.)

I know people don't mean anything by it, and blah, blah, blah, but I still shrink inside a little when I hear it. My heart stops just for a second now when someone asks me how old my baby is and I wonder if she's comparing my baby to hers. And I hate that I think about that at all.

request:

2008-09-08T22:50:00.003-04:00

I no longer have access to my bookmarks & my blogroll is completely gone. I usually don't care if you go anon, but it would help me a lot if you could fill in the url field just once (especially if you don't have a blogger profile where I might be able to find you.)

If I haven't commented lately, this is probably why. I just can't seen to find time to track everyone down right now.

Thanks!

oops. sorry.

2008-09-08T20:38:00.002-04:00

I meant to update last week, I swear.

Birdie gained back the weight she lost. And then some. So, YAY.

I'm not going to go all into what we did to get her there right now because honestly, I'm a little tired of talking about it, hearing opinions, listening to suggestions, etc. No one has done anything wrong, I'm just a little burned out.

The ped did say that failure to thrive is fairly rare in breastfed babies Birdie's age. This didn't make me feel better or worse. We're still watching her and she still has to go for weight checks, but the situation is much less alarming/dire/panic-inducing.

go ahead - laugh and point

2008-09-04T21:26:00.003-04:00

Before Birdie was born we got a bunch of bibs. I hate bibs, always have. I think it's because I see pics of babies wearing them when they're not eating (yeah, I get that they're probably for drool then) but I still don't like the "look" of them.

Since BFing went well (then, haha) we never used a bottle and honestly, I thought having all those bibs was a little silly. I mean, they just sat there sad, lonely, unused, in a basket in the closet. I seriously didn't see myself using them. At all.

Until we increased the solids to 3x/day.

I get it now.

If I weren't THIS me, who would I be?

2008-08-31T20:57:00.002-04:00

Who could I be?

Because obviously I'm not who I was before I was married. I'm not who I was before we started trying and (thankfully!) I'm not who I was during treatment. Still, infertility being the gift that keeps on giving (yes... even if you end up with a take-home baby) I have... issues.

Who am I now?

Because I kind of don't like me. And If I don't, why should you or anyone else?

I have reasons/excuses for everything... but do they even matter? The reason doesn't change the reality.

I need to do *something* but I just don't know what exactly.

/ramble

Here's where I make it all about me.

2008-08-27T08:40:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping for, but I suppose that doesn't matter since I have no say anyway.

Test results only revealed one abnormal value, the one which indicates nutritional status. It looks as though her nutrition level isn't what it ought to be. This doesn't tell us a whole lot really. The basic plan of action is to increase calories and see if she gains.

Why is that so depressing to me?

1. The most calorie-dense, readily-absorbed source of nutrients is breastmilk. I can't physically feed her any more often than I do now. Since last week, I have begun to encourage her to eat longer, which puts a single feeding at well over 30 minutes, often much longer. She eats 9x/day. I'm exhausted.

2. I have not had success with pumping, ever, and hand expression, even though I'm probably slightly better than average at it, yields very little after an extremely long nursing session. I don't know how, at this point, to introduce any more breastmilk.

3. I didn't have a breastfeeding goal when we started. For months, I just said I had no specific end date in mind, that my breasts didn't expire, etc. Very recently (within the last month?) I decided that my goal was no formula. We made it nine months, what's another three? I didn't have weaning plan set for one year, but if we made it that long we could give her cow's milk, etc. if we needed/wanted to supplement. I have no beef with formula, I just didn't want to buy it if I could make healthy baby milk for free.

4. Which means, essentially, that the milk I'm making is not sufficient. Either the quantity or the quality is not enough. I'm feeding her an effing ton, and she's not gaining. So it's me. My milk. My fault. (yeah, I know what I'd say to me if I were you, but I still feel like this. Telling me it's silly will not help.) Once again, my body has failed at something. The doctor kept saying over and over that it was no reflection on me, that I didn't do anything wrong, that we've gone longer than most, blah, blah, blah, but really? It couldn't be any more personal. I've been starving my baby. And I didn't notice.

(and yes, I know that 5oz isn't really obvious. but I didn't pick up on a lack of growth either. maybe I couldn't have seen it. maybe no one would have. but the bottom line is that I'm her mother and magical powers or not, I didn't. so I feel like crap.)

5. I have to supplement with something. It can be bottled (sippy cup) breastmilk, formula, solid foods, or a combination. For the time being, I've chosen to increase breastfeeds and increase solids. It's possible that this alone will help.

6. I hate, HATE that this will prove the MILs, the grandmas of the world right. ("you need to feed that baby" "when are you going to stop nursing and feed her real food?" etc, blah.) From what I understand, this isn't a normal outcome, but that's not what they'll hear. I know it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but I can't exactly ignore it either. It's hard enough being the pioneer in the family in the first place.

7. There is a teeny tiny chance that she is getting everything she needs and is still not gaining for some reason. This is not very likely. If so, it would (obviously) be bad. If she has not gained in one month, we'll have earned a trip to the hospital. I don't want to think about this. I'd much rather the problem be me than her.

So, the plan, for now at least, is to stop crying about it, increase time spent at the breast, and be consistent with giving Birdie three additional meals per day of table food. I know the ped wanted me to give her an extra (cup) feed of milk/formula, but I want to try this first (I think. I'm still digesting a little.) which is why I asked for a two-week weight check in addition to the one-month. If she hasn't gained in two weeks, I can re-evaluate and try something else before we get to the hospital point.

Also, sincere apologies if I've been short with you via email. I'm worried (and there are other things going on now too) and feeling generally defensive, so I know it's coming out where I don't mean it to. I truly appreciate all your support, even if it doesn't sound like it.

so, that was vague

2008-08-24T20:58:00.004-04:00

The little problem = Birdie dropped on her growth curve for length and head circumference a little bit this (9 month) visit and a little bit at the last (6 month) visit.

The bigger problem = Birdie LOST 5oz. between her 6 and 9 month visits and dropped "significantly" on her growth curve at this visit (multiple lines.)

Developmentally and cognitively, she's doing great. She crawls, climbs, stands, cruises, waves, babbles... she's perfect. She even looks perfectly average ("sturdy" even, lol.) The problem, as I had to explain to poor P (who looked bewildered and a bit defensive when I told him about this) isn't how much she weighs - she's not underweight for her age or height - it's that she lost weight in the first place and that she's no longer gaining at a pattern normal for her.

So what they look at first is intake/output of nutrients. Birdie is still breastfeeding normally, at an average of 9 times per day. She has begun to take some solids and some water from a cup, but not enough to decrease her intake of breastmilk, which is good. She is having a good number of wet diapers per day, so we know she's getting enough milk. There are no obvious problems here.

Which brings us to where we are now. Since there's no sign as to what the problem might be, they look at blood and urine to see if there are any clues. If she has an illness (like a chronic UTI, for example) her body may be expending more calories to fight the infection than she's taking in, even if she's taking in a "normal" amount. This could be a little thing, easily fixed, and that's what we're hoping for. There are other possibilities, like hormonal issues, that can also factor in.

I won't say it's the "worst" thing, because I know there are many, many worse things out there (and have imagined them already, thanks,) but I'm NOT hoping that the blood panel/urinalysis reveals nothing. Because then we're back to she's losing weight and we don't know why.

I'm taking her to Children's for bloodwork tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to get a urine sample from her to take that in with us.

In the meantime, thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.

there's so much more than this, but right now this is what I have

2008-08-22T20:54:00.003-04:00

Today Birdie is nine months old.

Today she's been "out longer than in" (in theory, anyway, I'm not doing the math.)

Today Birdie had a well-baby visit that didn't go so well. On the verge of "failure to thrive" and I never saw it coming. Apparently this doesn't make me a crap mom, but I sure feel like it.

Blood draws and urinalysis to come, just like her mommy.

yep, i cried then too =\

2008-08-16T17:59:00.002-04:00

yesterday, she extended her pudgy arm, opened her fingers and then shut them in her first-ever baby-wave.

*love*

we never did fill up our basement

2008-08-09T16:40:00.002-04:00

I suppose one good thing about moving all the damn time is that you don't have years and years and years to accumulate mountains of crap. Oh, and you get to wade through your "memories" often.

Some things I found today:

-tiny puppy collars

-tiny kitten collar, first lost tooth, and first destroyed toy

-turkey baster and cup of "stuff" that my BFF sent me when she found out we were "trying" LMFAO.

-two old emails from P that I printed out before we were married. I made him listen as I read to him how much he "used to" love me.

I'm guessing they talked about US in the car on the way home!

2008-08-07T20:43:00.005-04:00

We went to dinner tonight, had the baby out a little later than usual (it was 6:30 already and her bedtime is 7pm) but the timing turned out to be great! We were sitting in a booth with Birdie in a highchair on the end in perfect view. I had (baby) food on my shirt. Who do I see come walking down the aisle? The RE who did our transfer! (and his wife) So cool. He seemed genuinely pleased to see Birdie (he did not meet her when we went into the office a few months back) and that totally made my night.

*ETA: How AMAZING is it that he even recognized me... WITH MY PANTS ON?!

bad form, dear

2008-08-05T10:47:00.002-04:00

You know what's worse than just stealing a shower?

(shower-stealing, as defined by my house: getting in while the other person is standing in the bathroom waiting for the water to get warm - yes, I know it is wasteful to run the water while not using the shower.)

Stealing a shower while someone is actually showering!

P got in the shower that I was already in and just stood right in front of the water and cleaned up and left, while I waited ~~freakin' wet and cold~~ patiently for him to finish.

And, to add insult to injury - he didn't even try any funny business with the loofah if you know what I mean!

but one-liners, that I can handle!

2008-08-02T08:44:00.002-04:00

anyone use twitter?

sleep regression

2008-07-31T22:37:00.002-04:00

I'm a believer.

It's like something happened at eight months to. the. day. and Birdie can no longer nap easily and is waking a bunch in the night and earrrrrrrly in the morning (when mommy does not function well) and is having trouble putting herself back to sleep.

Of course in the last two weeks, she has cut FOUR! MORE teeth (bringing the total to SIX, the first two came together and the last four! came together.) She has also learned to get into the sitting position from her belly, sit on her knees, use my body for a climbing wall*, and best of all - pull herself into a standing position. She is constantly trying to stand up now. I found her in her crib more than once now crying, holding the rail as though she's gotten up but does not know how to get down. Very tragic.

All of which is to say that it's perfectly understandable that her poor little brain is too wired to sleep properly. Not that it helps me any. Especially when she's saying "mummmummmamummmamamumma" repeatedly because that's all she knows how to say (sorry, daddy.)

*and omg, does it ever hurttt when she climbs me using my hair or breasts as handles to pull up with. oh, and the time she pulled up and bit my nipple? i cried. so did she.

wardrobe "choice"

2008-07-30T10:03:00.003-04:00

for birdie: pink blanket

for mommy: bath towel, baby in ergo

at least the screaming stopped.

you can file this in the "details they leave out" section

2008-07-04T22:30:00.003-04:00

sheesh. (oh, and I hate the word "period" but I also hate "AF")

I knew that the first period after baby (not counting pp bleeding) could be rough. But no one told me that the second could be crazy. As in, five weeks after I got my period back, I got another period followed by two weeks of normalcy, and then constant spotting, then bleeding, then a day break, then bleeding, and spotting that went on for ~~days~~ weeks now and is generally pissing me off. Oh, and there are also days of random painful cramping not necessarily associated with anything else.

I asked my BFF what it was like for her (my dear fertile friend is on baby #4, pg #6) and she said that the longest she's ever had bleeding, not counting pp, was six weeks. SIX freakin' weeks? Say it ain't so.

I saw my OB when I was on day two of spotting so I wasn't especially bothered then. He did say that because I'm still breastfeeding (all the damn time,) things just may be wonky for a while.

I told my mom and she said, "yeah... sorry..." That about sums it up.

How you know if it's a date (parental edition)

2008-06-30T08:35:00.002-04:00

1. There is no baby at the table, so you are free to place your silverware, glasses, menus, napkins, salt & pepper shakers, and plates wherever you like. Even directly in front of you.

2. Anything dropped on the floor is your own fault. You do not bend down repeatedly to pick up a stuffed cow. In fact, you didn't even bring a stuffed cow.

3. You do not ask the waiter for a plastic cup, empty please, and a couple extra straws.

4. You have to stop at the ATM for cash. And it's not for you.

5. You shaved one half of one leg. And feel pretty.

how do i get past this?

2008-06-13T16:55:00.002-04:00

I have some very bad-hurt feelings about something that has happened recently.

To my face, P's parents backed me up/supported me on something that happened to me but then behind my back (to P and to someone else) said something entirely different (blaming the situation on me, and a related situation on my mom.)

I know that's not at all clear, but it's a long story and I don't know how to tell it and then get to the point. Which is this: These people, for better or for worse, are now my family. I WILL have to see them and interact with them in the future. But every time I think about this thing, I get mad/sad/hurt/pissed/betrayed all over again. How do I sit on their couch and chat or answer the phone or... knowing how they really feel?

-I don't especially want to have it out with them, as I suspect they will not change their minds on this one so it wouldn't really do any good. Not to mention that they could just lie to me like before and nothing would be resolved anyway.

-I can't have P talk to them because he doesn't really get why it bothers me so much (that's a whole other (heartbreaking) topic) and though he now sees it from my POV (or at least he says he does) there was a time where he didn't and was more in agreement with his parents. I'm guessing his true feelings lie somewhere in the middle.

-I don't see another way out other than to just get over it and play nice. I just wish I knew how to do that.

I'm sure this all makes very little (if any!) sense, but I had to get it out. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it who isn't involved or invested in some way. The situation itself makes me want to cry, but then add the "family response" part to it, and I'm just having a really hard time.

Sprung!

2008-06-06T20:38:00.002-04:00

My Little guy came home today! I wasn't expecting it at all. I was thinking tomorrow, maybe, unless we determined he needed surgery (which he still might, but not for now.) He's peeing on his own and he's been off catheter for over 12 hours now. Exciting stuff. I have to bring him in tomorrow for a bladder check just to make sure he's still ok.

The home-care part is a lot of work! He has to take three pills two times per day. That's SIX pills. Have you ever given your cat six pills in one day? I wish it was a shot! He also must eat special food (he hasn't had one bite - I measured!) and he has his own box (for now, just so I can monitor his output apart from the Big Kitty) so he's shut up in our room/bathroom by himself. At least it's familiar. At the vet's they said he was a sweetheart but very nervous. I could tell. I visited him for an hour every day and he jumped every time a drawer was shut in another room! They put him as far away from the dogs as possible, but there's nothing comforting about being at the hospital, even for a cat.

I can tell he wants to prowl around the house, but I want him where I can find him easily and monitor his activities. Hopefully he'll just rest and eat.

Another interesting (or not) tidbit - while I was gone Birdie had a poopy diaper. It's the first one P has had to deal with since we switched to cloth (yeah, in April!) and he texted me to tell me about it. Being a parent is awesome!

"How's the kitty?"

2008-06-05T14:35:00.002-04:00

He's very sick, but we're just waiting. He has a good shot, but he's not exactly on the way to better yet. If that makes any sense.

It doesn't.

Oh. Sorry.

What was the matter with him anyway?

He's "blocked."

Um, ok, and that means what?

It means he has/had "sand" (debris/crystals) in his bladder and it's clogging his urethra when he tries to pee. This is very painful and if not discovered within 24-48 hours can be fatal.

Wow. How did you know that he was blocked then?

A couple weeks ago there were pee drops on the floor. I thought they needed a new litter box, so we did that and I thought the problem went away. Then, Monday afternoon I stepped on something damp and saw that we had pee dirbble again. Damn. So I planned to call the vet the next morning (it was nearly 5.) I went to my bathroom and saw on the light colored tile a tiny spot of blood. So I walked the rooms that the kitties frequent and discovered a few other drops that I'd overlooked. I decided to call the vet right then.

They asked me a few questions and told me to bring him in IMMEDIATELY.

Did they really speak in capital letters?

Yes.

That's strange. Why?

Well, the male urethra is very narrow and easily blocked. The blood is a bad sign. If a cat strains and is unable to urinate, his bladder will fill up.

I have a full bladder all the time. What's so scary about that?

Well, if he can't empty it, it will become toxic. Then the kidneys will stop bothering to make urine because there's no place for it to go.

Oh, I see. What do they do for that?

Well, step one was to unblock him. They did this while sedated and with a catheter. He then got a ton of antibiotics and painkillers. Then they waited to see how he was, took the catheter out to see if he was better. He did well, peed right away.

Then why is he still sick?

Because they watch the kitty for 12 hours to make sure he doesn't re-block. My guy failed this test. He re-blocked and they had to put the catheter back in. There's still stuff in his bladder and without the catheter it would keep blocking his urethra.

Can you wrap this up please? You're saying "urethra" a lot.

Ok, I have to go anyway because Birdie is waking up. I'll finish this later. Come back to read about a very very awful Plan C (it will make your husband cringe.)

plea

2008-06-04T14:19:00.003-04:00

I've been a bad blogger. A bad internet friend. I've hardly posted and rarely commented. But I'm going to ask you for a favor now.

The kitten (ok, so he's 3, but he's still my baby) is very sick and in the kitty hospital. If there's anyone still reading, please, please, please would you pray/think happy thoughts/direct good vibes/anything his way? Please? He's Birdie's favorite pet and he sleeps by my head and he chases flies and knocks over his water bowl every time and I love him.

I get to visit him this afternoon, so more about that and what's wrong with him later.

back to mac

2008-05-28T10:00:00.002-04:00

Ok, so it's been about a hundred years since I've used a mac (ok, maybe just since college, but it feels like... anyway.) and now I have one again!

For any of you mac users out there, I have a software question:

Do you use pages 08 (iwork) or microsoft word (for mac) for your word processing? Why, and what do you like/dislike?

Even so, I'll still keep wondering

2008-05-18T18:02:00.000-04:00

At my six-week appointment, my doctor asked the usual question about birth control. And I gave him the usual IF answer of, "well, we thought we'd go ahead and not give a bunch of money to Dr. S and shoot up a whole bunch of times and mix our gametes in a dish..." He, of course, had to remind me that it can and does happen that people get "lucky" after an IVF pregnancy. I scoffed at him (and secretly hoped he would, in like two years, prove me wrong.)

Don't worry, I'm not a blogging miracle and this is not that post.

***

I've been one of the lucky ones for whom breastfeeding acts as a natural show-stopper. Yay me! Birdie will be six months old next week (yeah, I can't believe it either) and it looks like my luck has just now run out. Birdie does not sleep through the night (we still get up to eat 1-2x) and she has eaten solid foods only sporadically. I guess it was just our time.

There's a part of me that's relieved. I don't know why. I didn't want my "fertility" back. Not yet, at least. I don't want to deal with the people who assume I'm "cured" because I had a baby. I don't want to wonder about #2. I told P months ago, as he was insisting that Birdie was going to be an only (knee-jerk reaction to seeing the trauma his wife has gone through over the last five years and not an actual decision on family size, mind you) that if we didn't take measures to prevent, we ran the possibility of a spontaneous pregnancy. Even if I didn't believe it myself, I wanted to make sure he was clear on that fact.

He laughed at me.

I secretly hoped... well, I honestly don't know what I hoped.

I'm not sure who I am now. I'm not sure what I want. I'm pretty sure I don't want to use birth control. But then am I going to wonder each month? Will I pay attention to the details of my cycles? Will I be so consumed by caring for my baby that I won't think to do these things? I have no idea.

I'm sitting here typing this hunched forward because it feels better on my lower back. Ahhh, yes. My old friend. I do know that I hoped, however irrationally, that the endo was gone. I suspect I didn't luck out there.

***

Right now I'm listening to the sound of rain over the baby monitor and I hear a little girl squirming around in her crib.

In about five minutes this post will not be on my mind anymore because I'll be attempting to keep a baby from rolling over while I try to change her diaper. I'll forget to go to the bathroom because I'll be reading "Little Duck" again and P will walk in and the baby will swivel around to look at him and smile and I'll think how lovely and perfect things are right now. I got one miracle already. I'm happy.

I miss her.

2008-04-30T17:33:00.002-04:00

Birdie was awake early this morning. It was too early to get up for the day, but too late for me to nurse/rock her back to sleep. She was too awake to put herself to sleep and I don't go back to sleep easily at that time of the morning. So I brought her into bed with us like I used to and nursed her there. She drifted off and I went to lalaland. Sometimes I miss co-sleeping. We're all doing much better now that Birdie has settled into her crib, but I still miss her little baby head right next to me and the feeling of her soft, squishy body next to mine.

Cloth Q & A, take 1

2008-04-24T16:51:00.003-04:00

Here are the answers to some of Liv's questions:

Do the ones that you are using have a disposable insert or is the diaper all in one? I have both kinds. They both have their pros and cons- I think I get a better fit with the all in ones (AIO) because they're sized. They're the simplest to use. They take longer to dry. The stuffable insert ones (they're not disposable) dry quicker after washing and you can adjust the absorbency to fit the need of your baby. The ones I have don't snap in though, and since DD sleeps on her tummy they get bunched up and she gets a wet belly. I haven't played around with them much though, so there's probably a way to solve this and I just don't know about it. The benefit of these is that they should last longer because you can move the snaps and change the sizing as your baby grows. I hear they're a bit big on a newborn though.

Also, have you had a diaper change while on an outing? Not yet because we haven't been at this cloth thing that long, and right now I try not to be out too very long at a time. Just the personality of my kid - she doesn't nap well out right now and she still can't be up more than two hours without being cranky.

What's your routine for that? That said, I always have an extra diaper and a plan because you never know! You can buy a small "wet bag" that zips up (it's got a waterproof PUL outer so there's no leaking) and keep it in your diaper bag with a clean diaper. The routine is the same as with a disposable. You change the baby as usual, you just put the soiled one in the wet bag and bring it home.

And if she poops while out, how do you get rid of the poop? For breastfed babies, the poop is water soluble, so you don't have to do anything special to the diaper. I like to rinse at home just because it helps with stains, but you don't have to. If we were out, I'd probably put the diaper in the bag and wait till we got home to deal with it just because it seems like it would be easier. Not sure though. You'd want to flush solid poop, but we're not there yet so I have no experience with that. Some people are intimidated by cloth while out or overnight and they choose to use disposables then. As soon as I had enough though, I just went for it.

I mean, is she strapped to the changing table, do you hold her and do it? I've never strapped the baby to the table at home or out in public. Just easier for me that way, even when she's squirmy. Once you have the clean diaper in hand, it's really no different than putting on a disposable. If you use the kind with inserts, you'd pre-stuff it (as soon as it's dry, so it's ready to go!) so there's only one step in putting it on.

Do you need extra hands? Who doesn't? LOL. Really, it's not so hard. Promise.

Also, how many diapers would you suggest getting? There are a few factors to consider here.
1) how often do you plan to wash? If you wash daily, you'd obviously need fewer than going 2-3 days between washes. I know some people go a week, but personally, I think it's icky. And you may get more staining that way.
2) what type of diaper are you using, and how do you plan to dry them? AIOs take the longest to dry, prefolds and flats (which I haven't talked about at all - they're the type you pin together and then cover) take the shortest. Fitteds and stuffable pockets would be in the middle. Drying in the dryer is quickest, but can break down certain types of diapers. Line drying is good care-wise and the sun is an excellent natural stain remover (can you tell I hate the idea of staining? =) but it does take longer and you can't always be outside (though I can and do hang dry inside too.) Dry time is important because the longer they need to dry, the longer they're not available for use.

For example: I've been washing every night. I have enough diapers to last one full day, but not much more. So if my diapers take a day to dry in the sun, I don't have enough to begin diapering the second day. Or if I wash in the evening, I need to have enough to last through two nights (I have night diapers and day diapers,) because something will be on her when I'm doing the wash and won't be clean until the following night. I have discovered that I need more than 24 hours worth of diapers in order to have her in cloth full-time.

For a newborn you need more, just because you change more frequently and there are tons of those tiny poops! Another option would be to use flushable liners that might keep from needing to change the whole thing for a tiny mess, but I haven't used those so I couldn't say.

I'm not sure yet what the perfect number is because I'm too new at this and I'm not exactly in a groove yet, just trying things out still. So far I think two days worth would be good for me if I continue to use AIOs, wash daily, and hang dry.

I only ask because I am seriously considering this option. I figured that it would save us a lot of money and they really are cute. If you can find a brick and mortar store nearby and feel some for yourself, that's your best bet. I'll write more about the different types later too. As far as cheaper... well, not if you get addicted to cute diapers! The upside is that unlike disposables, cloth diapers have a resale value so you can recoup some of your costs if you buy something you don't like, is outgrown, doesn't fit well, or you just go overboard buying cuteness =)

Please let me know if you have other questions or you want me to post about something. I'm still finding my way myself, but I'm having a lot of fun learning!

you know you totally wanna be me

2008-04-23T13:55:00.001-04:00

For lunch today I'm having top ramen.
And I'm just about to add the flavor packet.

baby got back

2008-04-18T16:15:00.003-04:00

I like big butts...

and now my baby Birdie is in cloth diapers! I never ever thought I'd try this, but here we are. Birdie has had some diaper-area issues that I'm not going to detail, and it's possible that she's sensitive to the chemicals in disposables.

I never knew how much I didn't know about cloth diapers. The major thing I think is that like a lot of people, I had an image of burp rags and safety pins and ugly plastic pants. OMG, there are some amazingly cute, functional, and easy-to-use diapers out there!

These are some of what we're trying.

This is an "all-in-one" (AIO) diaper that needs no extra cover or stuffing. It goes on just like a disposable. Easy, simple. I've heard them referred to as a "gateway diaper" and that you get addicted to cloth. I never would have believed it, but after just a couple weeks of research I can see how that can happen.

Some bad, some wonderful, but I'm a teary-eyed mommy because my baby is growing up!

2008-04-14T07:45:00.000-04:00

Damn. It's been a week.

Birdie got her first cold. Rivers of snot abound. Like any good baby, she loathes the evil snot-sucking device her mother insists on using periodically. Also, I have the cold too. Fun times.

We finally moved Birdie to her crib full-time (she was there just for naps, and in her PnP bassinet in our room at night.) I moved her PnP out of our room yesterday. I managed to do it without crying, but it aches a little. I should be happy to have my nightstand back out of the closet and I don't have to sleep with the baby monitor under my pillow now, but it was like I said goodbye to my little baby.

Here are some of the reasons we moved her to her own room:
1. She hit the 15lb. weight limit in the bassinet. I don't think it was going to crash to the floor or anything, but it probably felt less sturdy for her to sleep on since...
2. She began to move around in her sleep. A lot. She'd roll over (and not know how to get back and wake up screaming) and wiggle into the corners and it just didn't seem comfy. I put her to sleep on her stomach (*gasp*) and she can now move from her stomach to back or side and just today she went back to stomach.
3. We have used and will continue to use some CIO methods with Birdie and me being in the room only works her up more (you wanna talk about why because you're considering it yourself and need help or want to reason through it with someone who has effing been there -or- you think I've damaged my baby forever and want to call me a bad mom, please feel free to do it via email.)
3. She began chattering at 4am. Absolutely adorable, but...

Birdie said her first word yesterday! Unintentional, yes, but clear as a bell. She was looking at us and making her baby noises (ba-la-wuh-de-la...) and then "Hi!" P and I looked at each other, "Did you hear that?" "Yeah, she said 'Hi', didn't she?" Interestingly, "Hi" was also my first word. I think my mom cried when I called her.

helpful hint

2008-04-08T17:58:00.001-04:00

Don't ever say that your baby is doing well, better, or decent at something.
Ever.
I'm just saying.

past, present

2008-04-04T14:35:00.002-04:00

Did I say before that when I was in the hospital having Birdie our basement flooded? I'm too lazy to go look back. Anyway, our sump pump decided to work only intermittently, and we ended up with like four inches of water in the basement (or so I was told, I never saw it.)

There was no saving a bunch of stuff. All our luggage was wrecked, our fake christmas tree grew rust on some branches, and a bunch of boxes got moldy. In those boxes were mostly paperback books and some children's books (not a huge loss, though I regret moving them so many times now that I've just thrown them out!) But there were two boxes that bum me out. One had t-shirts from high school in it. They were from all the shows I was in and all the festivals I attended (drama geek here.) The other box had my yearbooks in it. I know I can probably get replacement yearbooks, but I can't replace the inscriptions.

There's a part of me that doesn't mind too much. Most of high school was miserable for me. I had problems and my friends turned on me when I needed them most (though, to be fair, I had big problems, not regular teen issues, and it would be a lot for them to deal with.) Still, there were pockets of fun and goodness that I'm disappointed to have to rely on my memory alone for. My memory is both great and sucktastic.

***

I wonder sometimes if I'm stunted in the adult friend-making department or if we're all this way. I find myself craving mommy friends (well, friends in general, but the baby opens up a new realm of possibilities for me) and I'm trying. I'm really trying. I try to strike up conversations when I can (do you like your stroller? that's a great hat! how old is your baby?) but so far I haven't really gotten anywhere with this technique. Oh well. Eventually. Maybe.

If you're the woman from B&N with the chubby seven-month-old with great eyes, I liked meeting you, even if it was just for a few minutes. Thanks for sitting by me, it totally made me feel like less of a loser!

Recovery (sometimes TMI)

2008-04-03T11:23:00.006-04:00

I think I recovered well from the surgical part of having Birdie. I was eager to get up and about asap, since I heard that it would make a difference. I moved around when I could, and I stayed on top of my pain meds, and I was ready to go home quickly. Yeah, it hurt to laugh or cry or cough, but I expected that and it really wasn't too bad. I had Birdie on Thursday evening and was released on Sunday morning.

My doctor was surprised that I wanted to go already (I guess people stay longer?) but was fine with sending me home. The only problem was that I had the feeling that "they" wouldn't let me go home unless I was off pain meds, so I stopped taking anything but motrin (no one told me I couldn't leave on meds, I think it was just hormonal paranoia.) I wish I had gone home with a little something more, but it was still manageable. I've seen a lot made of the benefits of stool softeners, and I was prepared for problems. I took one when offered, but it gave me severe diarrhea. That was one of my very least favorite parts of all.

I vacillated a lot between "just fine" and "emotional wreck" for the first few weeks. I got mad at my mom the first night she was there because she was "being too high maintenance" even though it wasn't a big deal. I cried and had a meltdown when the nurse came to take Birdie away "so I could sleep" and I wouldn't let her go. It was awful for me because I felt like I had no control. I finally let her go for three hours. I made it my mission to stay awake as much as humanly possible from then on out because I couldn't stand the thought of them taking my baby away. I was exhausted by the time I was released from the hospital.

My incision was a little oozy at the end of the first week.
I had stitches, not staples, and I healed up just fine.
My bleeding was heavyish for the first two days, but pretty light afterward, though it was very light for several weeks.

I would stare at my baby and cry because I knew that she would never be that small ever again. I still tear up about this. It's going too quickly. Obviously I want her to grow up healthy and strong, but I also want to freeze time. I've loved each stage (except teething. teething can bite me. ha.) and my little girl keeps getting bigger and bigger. I don't know if I'll ever have another baby and it makes me sad that there are so many things that are over already.

people are freaks.

2008-04-01T14:28:00.003-04:00

Someone STOLE our recycling bin today.

I saw it happen, but was not able to get outside in time. Not that I could have chased the car down, but...

What the fuck?

Best. Birthday. Ever.

2008-03-31T12:06:00.002-04:00

You'd think I'd be grumpy. I told my mom as much when she called me this morning to sing to me.

I woke up much, much earlier than I wanted to. I was stiff and sore from sleeping (and not sleeping) in an awkward position.

I began my day by heading down to the basement in search of yesterday's laundry only to find that I had forgotten to put it in the dryer. I set it to wash again and put today's two baskets on the floor. They'd have to wait.

I picked up a shirt that P had left on the dresser and saw that it had a hole in it. Must be why it's there. I'll bring that downstairs to sew it up if I can.

I looked around the kitchen and saw quite a mess. P tries, but isn't the best at cleaning up. I filled the dishwasher and ran it, then filled up the sink to wash the things that wouldn't fit. I cleaned the countertops.

Outside it is raining.

I had plans for the day, places I wanted to go and things I hoped to get done, but I knew I'd need to wait. I'll be lucky if I get to do one thing this afternoon.

But none of that makes me grumpy today.

Today I'm sore and stiff from sleeping with a baby on my arm.

Today I have extra laundry because I forgot yesterday's while I was holding a little girl who was feeling awful from teething.

Today I'll sew up a hole in a shirt that, if it was mine, would be in the garbage, but because my husband loves it will be saved (again.)

It's ok that I won't go for a walk outside today because when I do get to my errands, they'll be with a baby in a stroller or carrier who is happy just to be hanging out with me. When I have to get home for someone else's nap, I'll be just a bit jealous that it's not my nap, but I know I'm the lucky one. I have a baby sleeping peacefully (ok, possibly doped up on tylenol and baby oragel) in her crib.

I didn't mind cleaning up the kitchen because when I did it, I had a baby Birdie observing me from her bumbo seat on the counter. I handed her one teething ring after another and in my mind, flashed back to yesterday.

The kitchen was a disaster because P baked me a cake from scratch as Birdie looked on (in amazement at the wonder that is a KitchenAid mixer.)

When I think of this birthday, I'll always remember how full my heart felt as I watched her watching him.

My thoughtful husband and my beautiful daughter baked me a cake and for the first time in years, it really is a happy birthday.

A Joke, by Birdie

2008-03-30T12:55:00.001-04:00

(At age 6 weeks)
(middle of the night. best time of day for a good joke.)

"I was changing Birdie and she peed on a new diaper as soon as I was putting it on. I got pee on my hand and I looked down to see why I was wet and then she was pooping too. She looked at me with a huge grin like she just told the best joke ever. I laughed and I think if she could have laughed, she would have too. Birdie looked so happy with herself!"

Back in time: Six weeks

2008-03-28T14:50:00.001-04:00

SIX
"We're doing better this week with sleeping. I double swaddled her (she breaks out of one blanket) and put her in the carseat next to the bed and she stays there for at least part of the night. I love sleeping with her, but I worry I'll cover her with blankets on accident so I sleep with my covers low which is COLD! I get sore staying still for hours but it's worth it.

She smiles all the time now and I adore every gummy grin.

I got a carrier so we could do more things together. She's only been in it a few times so far, but she loves it. I was able to take her outside (bundled, of course) with P and the puppies and it was great to get out.

She's getting better at finding her fingers and sometimes as she wakes up from a nap I hear her sucking frantically. She's not able to really soothe herself yet, but maybe soon (HA! little did I know...) We think she's going to be a thumb sucker."

We can see her eyelashes now that her eyes have lost the swelling.
0-3 clothes are sometimes too big and she hates it when I dress her only to take something off because it doesn't fit.
At my doctor's appointment, the doctor said that holding her was the best part of his day. Everyone loves her, and it makes me so happy.

sleep update

2008-03-27T14:00:00.003-04:00

Naps are going better. I've been making an effort to get us up in the morning a bit earlier (we were lazing in my bed too long, I think) and having Birdie get up and play a little has made a big difference in getting the naps started for the day. She still cries a bit going down, but it's not usually for too long and she seems better rested when she wakes up, even if she is just like me in that she seems grumpy for a few minutes until she's ready to interact and then she's her usual happy self. She's also doing most/some naps in her crib, which is a huge change.

Night sleeping still not going well, even with the earlier bed time. I'm hoping that it'll settle out when whatever the problem is is resolved (is she overtired? teething? growing? working on brain/physical development?) She's been spending the bulk of the night in our bed and I'm accepting it for now. I put her down alone and then at some point I bring her with me. I just don't have the energy or clarity to do anything else yet.

***

So here's how tired I am. It was something like 2am (I'm not sure, my eyes were too blurred to tell) and Birdie wouldn't fall asleep. I made her stop "comfort nursing" and she couldn't seem to settle down for sleep without sucking.

The idea popped in my head that I could somehow "love" her to sleep. I gave her a hug and cuddled her close (not smother-y close, promise) and just willed her to sleep with the sheer power of my brain and mommy love.

For the record, this does not work.

product endorsements

2008-03-24T20:03:00.001-04:00

There aren't many things we couldn't live without, but these are a few that we found particularly useful in Birdie's first four months:

Ergo baby carrier

I am in LOVE with this and so is Birdie. I know some people prefer slings or wraps, but I like the structured soft carrier style. It feels secure and truly hands-free. The belt area is wide enough that I could use it easily even without losing all the baby weight and it didn't bother my c-section scar even though it is designed to distribute the weight over the hips. My back and neck never hurt wearing this (and I have sprained my neck before and am a bit sensitive in that area) even when I have it on for hours. I use it for shopping because I believe sitting the carseat on the cart top is unsafe. I get lots of questions when I wear this because Birdie is nearly always sleeping in it and she seems so happy and comfy. Now that she's getting a little older, she sometimes uses the straps for chewing.

The carrier can be used for front, hip, and back carrying. I like that the baby faces in and not out in the front carry because 1) she's cuddled close to me and I can feel her breathing and she's not accessible to others and 2) she's not dangling by her crotch. Finally, it's not too girly for a dad to use.

A million (at least) thanks to Cat for the recommendation.

Kiddopotamus SwaddleMe

This was the only swaddler that I found that fit bigger babies. Birdie outgrew her first swaddler about a month before she outgrew the need for swaddled sleep. Her little arms would flail and she would hit herself in her sleep. Often, she wasn't able to fall asleep at all without being swaddled.

The large size goes from 15-22 pounds (though I used it starting at 11-12 (ish)(I think) because it seemed to fit better.) The microfleece was so soft and warm for my winter baby and I never felt like she was too cold to sleep without a blanket. As part of our bedtime routine, Birdie really seemed to respond to me putting her in her swaddler. She would settle down quickly once she was wrapped tight. Maybe she was comfy, or maybe she just knew it was time to eat, but either way, it worked. I'm sad that she doesn't seem to want to be swaddled (though I think she'd sleep better) any more because she always looked so snug and secure and happy.

Bumbo seat

Birdie is one of those babies who feels trapped in a baby body when she's sure she ought to be doing something. She had really good neck control from early on, and has always loved to sit (or stand!) upright. This gave her a whole new perspective on the world and she loves it. I had tried letting her sit in her carseat but that didn't really fly. She knew I was cheaping out on her and she just wasn't happy. So I went on craigslist and scored a bumbo and play tray for half price. And I got yellow, which I really wanted.

I sit this on my bathroom counter (gasp) when I'm getting myself ready and she gazes adoringly at herself in the mirror. She's also been on the kitchen counter (also a no-no, but I'm never even an arm's length away, so whatever) and on the raised area of the shower (seat) while I'm in the shower. This has eliminated so much crying/screaming. I can make myself a sandwich or wash my hair without a screaming baby because she's right there and she can watch me. Plus, watching a baby smile at herself in the mirror is pure gold. Birdie would rather look at her dangling playmat toys from her bumbo than from on her back. When she grabs them, she's at a height that she can actually get them into her mouth for a good inspection. She seems proud and happy to be sitting, so I'm happy.

Especially for Baby Deluxe Sleep Positioner

This is what I was trying to describe in my sleep post, but I'm sure I came up short. Though Birdie settled well being swaddled, she was still a wiggler. The sides of this gave her the feeling of being held and she didn't wiggle so much. The head portion can be elevated a bit and that seemed to help with gas.

Some of the reviewers on the TRU site gave this poor marks, but I have no idea what they're talking about. I didn't swaddle with blankets (or I put the blanket under the velcro-tabbed swaddler if she needed warmth) so I never had to worry about the baby being trapped under blankets. I have a big baby who is a restless, wiggly sleeper and I never had an issue with her flipping the thing over or rolling off of it even though I was using it after Birdie learned to roll (she can go from stomach to back. sometimes) and the instructions say not to. I knew it was time to retire it though, when she was able to inch off of it with her legs even swaddled. I think this is a function of my baby outgrowing it, rather than a flaw in the product.

HoMedics SoundSpa Lullaby

P and I gave this to Birdie for Christmas. It has two parts: a picture projector and a sound maker.

The projector tilts and can shine on the ceiling or a wall. It has three discs and the first time I shined it on the ceiling Birdie tipped her head back and just stared at the sheep and the moon for several minutes. I think she'll love it even more as she gets bigger.

The feature we've used the most though, is the sound. It plays three songs (the cradle song, twinkle, twinkle, rockabye baby) and three other sounds (heartbeat, ocean, rain.) There's a timer on it too, but we never use it because the thing is on all night long. P and I have gotten used to sleeping with "Birdie's Rain" each night. I've started using the music for naps and it's possibly working. We'll see.

I like that it's small and portable. I regularly move it back and forth between my room and Birdie's, depending on where she's sleeping. I brought it with me when we went to CA (actually, now that I think about it, I brought all of the previous items with us to CA. It really made it easy to keep things constant and familiar while traveling.)

She (doesn't) sleep like a baby

2008-03-20T13:59:00.004-04:00

In the hospital I slept with Birdie whenever I could (the policy is no rooming-in when both parents are sleeping. don't get me started.) She loved it. I loved it. I've never felt anything better in the world than having my newborn daughter sleeping on my chest.

When we came home, Birdie did pretty well sleeping in various spots. At first. By five weeks, she decided not to sleep in her crib, bassinet, or boppy. She would sleep only on me or in her carseat. Ok, fine. We all needed sleep so I let the carseat thing go even though I didn't really like the idea. Then she rejected the carseat too and would only sleep with me, on the boob. She was very tired from not sleeping (so was I!) and it made us both cranky. By the evening, she seemed very tired and would not be soothed (rejected pacifiers and our fingers and could not reliably find her own.)

At six weeks I decided to try double swaddling since she seemed to need to be swaddled but could break out of even the tightest hospital burrito. I put her all wrapped up in her carseat next to my bed and she slept a nice stretch.

In our experience, once we find something that works, it'll be all wrong very very soon. At two months, she would no longer sleep in the carseat, but would finally, for the love of the sandman, she'd take a short nap in her swing. But then she outgrew her swaddler.

So, I went to the big baby store and found a larger swaddler and all was right again. I also found a sleep positioner that worked wonders. The ones with the two movable blocks on the sides didn't seem very sturdy, but the one that worked for us was a one piece deal that has sides you can bend up and a headrest that can be inclined a little. It was like a little cup, and she lovesd it. She slept (once) from midnight until 7:15 am and I woke her up! That was a one-time thing, but overall, her sleep got much better with a good swaddle and being in her positioner.

Then we went to CA at three months. She was doing so well with night sleeping (waking to eat once or twice, then around six or seven she'd join me for a light rest and snuggle until we were ready to get up) that I thought maybe when we came home it would be time to transition her to her crib. No such luck. When we came home, Birdie seemed to have a hard time adjusting back. She was waking a little more. Then a lot more. Things went from bad to worse.

Now, at four months, she will not sleep. She wakes up after 45 minutes (or 8 minutes, 16, 30, 75, or as soon as you lay her down.) She has been fighting the swaddler, so I figured it was time to give it up. We went cold turkey, because the one-arm thing just frustrated her more. She doesn't take a pacifier and isn't good at soothing herself to sleep. She also doesn't settle with back patting/rubbing, soft talking, or pretty much anything I can do. I put her down, she cries. Period. When she's down, there's no making it better. So now I have a baby who's a challenge to nap, won't be swaddled, and won't sleep unless she's with me, on the boob.

I was looking back at my notes on sleep and at six weeks I wrote that although I loved sleeping with her, I was always worried about covering her with blankets. It's this exactly all over again. I'm getting cranky and feeling quite sleep-deprived. My head hurts.

Co-sleeping is not a long-term solution for us.
We do have a routine for bedtime.
I don't think it's hunger or gas.
There's no way to know if it's a tooth until one comes through.
I've read about the four month sleep regression, but I'm not sure what I think about it.
I have mixed feelings about CIO techniques (and their variants) for four-month-olds.

I've started to read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and think she may be overtired because of her crappy, irregular naps up until now. I don't agree with everything I've read, but I do think good sleep is crucial. Birdie may not be able to explain the problem to me, but I know that I am feeling the effects of not sleeping, so it only makes sense that my little baby is feeling it too. I can see that I may have missed some of her sleepy signs and have probably been keeping her up too long and too late.

We've started an earlier bedtime. So far, she's still in bed with me each night (and even though I don't want her to sleep with me, I also love snuggling with her,) but for the last two days at least she's had a decent morning nap (and in her crib!)

It's a good thing this doesn't have to make sense or be coherent, because my brainpower is seriously low right now.

Back in Time: Weeks 4-5

2008-03-19T15:58:00.004-04:00

FOUR:
At four weeks she developed a deep love for the ceiling fan in our living room. She stared at it happily for minutes at a time. This was handy as her eyes were finally open more often.

FIVE: (things not related to sleep)
At five weeks she smiled. She was more alert in general, just in time for Christmas. We went to P's parents' house and she got to check out the lights on the tree.

Her other grandma (my mom) gave her a cow that hangs from her carseat and was the first toy she showed any interest in. She still loves Cow, just now he's for gumming.

Grandpa walked her to sleep. A lot. Good workout for him.

Birdie recieved five (5), yes FIVE "Baby's First Christmas" outfits.

She began to outgrow her newborn sized outfits (for some reason, they all seemed to fit past the weight limit) and I kept putting her in my favorites "one more time."

Her smiles became more frequent, and they just melted me. Gorgeous. I wrote, "In the middle of the night, when I want you to sleep and I'm changing you or feeding you again - you smile at me and I don't care if I ever sleep again." New baby smiles are a powerful drug, I tell ya.

I wondered if she was having a growth spurt (she was.) She had a very cranky/fussy week and didn't want to be held by anyone but me.

More about my breasts than you need to know

2008-03-17T10:30:00.004-04:00

Birdie bit me on the freaking nipple this morning with her gummy no-teeth. Damn, that hurt. Which reminded me of other times I felt pain in this area.

1. Bloody nipples. (Yeah, even if you're doing it right it can go this way.) Learning to breastfeed is rough even if you have a baby who needs little help. Even if you can rotate between each position. Even if the latch is correct.

2. At two weeks I got a milk blister. I swear that hurt more than the bloody nips (or maybe it's just that I was just on better painkillers in the hospital?) I tried heat, wet heat, frequent nursing on that side, and finally a sterile needle (gee, where would I come up with one of those?) Nothing helped. It just went away by itself in a couple days.

3. Mastitis. Yep, I got it. The week before Christmas, I was sitting on the couch and getting the chills a lot. Then I felt really cold. I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. And hey, whaddya know? My left breast is red and warm and very painful. Classic misery. I read somewhere that if a breastfeeding woman feels like she has the flu, it's probably mastitis. That's exactly what it felt like for me.

the ides of march

2008-03-15T21:24:00.001-04:00

It's 9:23pm.

My zipper is down.

I can't remember the last time I was in the bathroom.

But I'm pretty sure it was sometime before we went out to eat tonight.

apology accepted

2008-03-14T14:43:00.003-04:00

I had a dream where P cheated on me and was going to leave me but his sister convinced him not to and then he got two nipple rings. (I'm not sure which part is the most ridiculous.)

Usually when I tell him things he did in a dream, P laughs at me or tells me I'm nuts. This time he laughed and apologized. Finally, he answered correctly!

Getting to know Birdie

2008-03-12T15:23:00.004-04:00

Weeks 0-3:

I love her milk breath.
I love when she does the "baby birdie."
She crosses her legs inside her sleeper (without using the leg area.)
She crosses her arms under her chin when she sleeps (like daddy.)
She smiles and cries in her sleep.
She snores.
She hates to be naked.
She hates to be dirty.
She hates to be put down.
Her favorite sleep position is in a ball on my chest.
Her cord stump fell off at 1w1d.
Her favorite thing is boob.
We go out (to eat, mostly) when she sleeps.
My mom declared her an heiress to a DVD collection (which, at the time, was hilarious and very painful for me, as laughing is misery post-c-section.)

Good Luck

2008-03-10T14:43:00.002-04:00

To the couple at the clinic:

I tried to come when the patient load was at its lightest. I really didn't want to parade my baby through the office, so that's why I hurried through (and declined your help through the door- nothing personal, I was just trying to be quick and not really thinking. Thank you though!) I know the nurses were a little loud gushing over the baby, and I have no way of knowing if this bothered you, and if it was hurtful, I'm really sorry.

I like to think that you were there to discuss your upcoming cycle and that you will be the ones to make use of my donated drugs. I was blessed enough to receive some on my successful cycle, so maybe the trend will continue.

I meant it when I mouthed "good luck" and I wish you all the success I've had.

Feeding the Baby Birdie

2008-03-08T17:30:00.005-05:00

When I first saw my daughter, I was so drugged that I couldn't speak or move. P had brought her to my head so I could have a look (he looked so happy, proud, and in awe. It was very cool.) She looked me right in the eye (yes, she did, I swear!) and thrust her tongue out at me. She knew just what she wanted from birth, and somehow, she knew that it was me who could give it to her.

It was hours before I was able to have the baby in my room, but eventually she was wheeled in (and you can bet your sweet bippy that I fought hard to keep her there after that!) and I finally got to hold my girl. Once again, she looked right at me and stuck her tongue out, this time slightly more earnestly and intently. She looked just like a little baby birdie waiting to be fed and it was then that she earned her very first nickname. The nurse offered to help me get Birdie latched on, though as it turned out, the baby must have spent her last week in the womb boning up on her breastfeeding skills because she already knew exactly what to do.

***

Before Birdie was born, I gave a lot of thought to breastfeeding. I knew women who had been very successful at nursing, (my best friend has three kids who were EBF for a year each) and I knew women who were not able to breastfeed for a variety of reasons (my brother was actually allergic to my mom's milk!) It seemed that the emotions surrounding not breastfeeding could be very powerful. Guilt, for one, was a common feeling among moms who were unable to nurse.

I didn't have very strong feelings on the subject. Sure, breastfeeding was great, but formula was perfectly acceptable too. I have always felt that there are many ways to bond with a baby and that it's possible to bottle feed while gazing into a baby's eyes and feel wonderful about it. Still, breastmilk is free and I could make it myself, so I wanted to give it a shot. But I was not ever very attached to the idea and felt that if it didn't work out for whatever reason, oh well, and I wouldn't stress about it if I couldn't do it. Was I setting myself up for failure? Possibly, but it's how I felt.

***

Holy bloody stumps, can it hurt when you give birth to a hungry pirhana and have nothing to feed her! My milk was on the slow boat, and took over a week to come in. Unfortunately for both of us, I had not given birth to a sleepy baby who didn't know the difference. In the hospital, the plan was to breastfeed on demand, and that's just what I did. At any sign of hunger, I allowed Birdie to assume the position and she went to town. Sometimes she'd be too frustrated/angry/hungry to latch properly right away and it took a minute of bad latching to settle enough to latch properly. I figured this out fairly quickly and we were doing pretty well (lack of milk aside, that is.)

I had written on my paperwork that Birdie was to be breastfed, but that I did NOT want to be visited by a lactation consultant. I wrote that I'd ask if I needed help, but that I wanted to be left to try on my own. It might be surprising after all that I'd been through at that point, but I really was uncomfortable with the idea of being observed or handled by a stranger.

Lucky for me, Birdie was doing very well, and I didn't require assistance. In fact, a LC came into my room to check on us and commented that it obviously wasn't my first child. I corrected her, and she noted that we were successful and comfortable in our chart. The next day a second LC came into the room, slapped on a pair of gloves, told me who she was and headed for my boob. Birdie was upset and not latching perfectly, but as I had learned, it just took a minute to settle her down and then she'd be fine. But the woman wasn't listening to me and she moved my baby's head and grabbed at my breast.

Folks, it wasn't pretty.

I glared at her, removed her hand, and asked her to leave. I was pissed and everyone in the room knew it. You don't just grab someone's boob without permission. Ever. And that's exactly the kind of behavior that makes people uncomfortable with LCs. Luckily, that was the end of that and otherwise my nurses were pretty supportive.

***

When she was born (thurs), Birdie weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces. Her discharge weight (sun) was 7 pounds, 10 ounces. Not great, but like I said, my milk hadn't come in (despite 2 1/2 days of constant cluster feeding.) We had an appointment for a one week weight check where Birdie had only gained two ounces. We had an appointment at two weeks where Birdie had only gained three ounces.

Though she looked healthy, I knew the Ped was concerned about the failure to get back to her birth weight. I was instructed not to let Birdie go more than two hours without eating (she had been going about three at night, two or less during the day.) This was really, really unpleasant, but at the next weight check, she had finally hit her birth weight exactly. When I brought Birdie home that day, it was like coming from the hospital all over again. My daughter was healthy, home, and all ours.

birth story, part three

2008-02-28T16:00:00.000-05:00

For the record, I don't think that having an epidural or being induced were factors in my giving birth via c-section, but that's how it happened.

After 24 hours, it was determined that the baby was malpositioned and not able to descend, so into the operating room I went. (It's interesting to note that several people have since told me that they thought I'd have a c/s all along. I don't know how I feel about this. Part of me is insulted as though they're saying they thought I couldn't do it, and part of me agrees- that's what I secretly thought as well.)

It felt strange to get prepped for surgery even though I knew it was coming (hell, let's not kid ourselves - I was tired and relieved that it was finally going to happen.) We called our parents who, as you may recall, were all eating Thanksgiving dinners at their homes on either coast, anxiously waiting for updates. P was given scrubs and I was given the blue gauze hat thing that I remember thinking was awful and that it would make me look bad in the pictures (dear lord, if I only knew how bad I already looked!) A nurse reminded P to bring in our baby book if we had one and our camera and I was wheeled off to the OR alone.

I was told that P would be brought in when it was time to begin. My doctor was in the room, making preparations, and a new anesthesiologist was called in because my doctor was pissed that the first guy had been such a jackhole about the epidural.

I'm going to skip ahead a bit and tell you right now that I freaked the fuck out on the table. I did not see that coming at all. I had anticipated the possibility of a c-section months before and never had a problem with it. In fact, I strongly considered requesting it in advance in order to minimize the risk due to the whole placenta issue. I've had surgery before with no real problems. I honestly wasn't scared. In some ways surgery was the known when you compare it to the unknown of a vaginal delivery.

The first real problem is that I had no idea how much I was supposed to feel. I could feel the brush of antiseptic across my belly. Was I supposed to? When they asked if I could feel poking, I could. Was I supposed to? What if the drugs didn't work properly again? It would be too late once they started. And here's where I started to panic. I mean, seriously panic. I was trying to hold my shit together because I was about to have a baby and it was going to be wonderful, but I was getting really scared. The bad epidural experience really messed with my head.

And hey, where was P? I heard my doctor call for someone to bring him in from the other room, but he wasn't there when my doctor made the first cut. And I knew it. So I added that to my worries. By the time (all of one minute, I'm sure) he made it to the room I was not doing so well. I was feeling frantic. I was happy to see him, but by that time it was really too late to roll back the tide of panic. The anesthesiologist was very kind. He tried to reassure me and told me to hang on and he pumped a whole mess of who-knows-what extra drugs into my IV. Then I got a bonus something else in my mask (not just oxygen) that was probably supposed to calm me down, but it smelled bad and I wanted to rip it from my face. But hey, also, they were cutting me open.

In my opinion, no one can really explain what it feels like to have your uterus removed while you're awake and can feel it. See, the whole "tugging and pulling" you hear about is accurate, it's just not clear. Let me tell you right now: It hurts. I felt each swipe of the blade as the doctor separated the layers, but it wasn't how it feels to cut yourself with a knife. Creepy. The actual getting the baby out part? Yeah, that was not great. It hurt, I didn't expect it to, I was tired, emotional, and freaking out in my mask and I felt like I was wrecking it for myself by being so upset. Only I couldn't stop crying.

Then I heard my doctor, "There. You see the eyes?" My baby was looking up at him, eyes open, before she was actually born. It was cool and freaky and other doctors came to look because that's kind of bizarre and I cried right through it.

The next thing I knew, I could hear someone else crying.
Someone who was not me.
It was my daughter.

breaking radio silence

2008-02-27T15:22:00.003-05:00

We're all fine. I just haven't been able to write. Part of that is literal - many things keep me from being able to have uninterrupted computer time. The other part - well, I just couldn't. And every time I sat down and tried to explain that to you I failed and then felt bad. So there it is. It may not make sense to you (especially since I'm giving up trying!) but I just couldn't write.

Moving on.

How the hell do I do that?

***

(there's a perfect example - I thought I was done, but I guess not.)

***

I was wondering how to approach this blog now. Part of me wants to just wrap up the birth story and then let that be the end. But so much happened after that (after all, my daughter is now three months old!) On the other hand, I have been sucking mightily as a blogger (and also as a friend and housekeeper and pretty much every other role that does not directly involve my breasts - wife included.) so I'm reluctant to promise to tell you all about anything.

Even as I was having trouble blogging, I knew there would be things about the early weeks (and, god, months) that I'd want to remember. There were days that I'd sit at Panera Bread with a little notebook, desperate to recall facts and record moments that had happened that week, but would still feel slightly fuzzy-headed about the whole thing. In the middle of it I didn't understand how it could all be a blur because I was so wrapped up in it, but now I can tell you that as clear as some things are, there are others that are already beginning to blend together in one newborn experience.

So I'm going to try, I think, to get it all down here.

birth story, part 2

2007-12-01T21:35:00.000-05:00

sorry, I wasn't trying to be all cliffhanger-y, but that's kinda how things are right now. If I don't do this in parts, it may not get written at all!

Anyway, we had finished the paperwork and all the welcome-to-the-hospital procedures (IV, urine, monitor set-up, etc.) and it was time to begin the actual induction process. I had been measured earlier in the day (2cm, unchanged for weeks!) so I avoided being checked again. I did have an ultrasound at several times to ensure that baby was still head down. The cervadil was placed (easy - it's like a tiny tampon with prostaglandins on it) and I was instructed to stay in bed for two hours (much harder - I reallly had to pee. I was quite the clock-watcher during this time.)

Occasionally cervadil alone (no pitocin) is enough to start regular labor. This was not the case for me. Sometimes it can cause severe cramping and it needs to be removed. For me, the plan was to leave it in place until the morning and then check my cervix for progress. I did have some cramping, but it wasn't severe. I figured it was just doing its job. I was offered a sleeping pill and around midnight I took it. This was one of the benefits, in my opinion, to being in the hospital. I was pretty keyed up and it (the availability of drugs) helped me relax enough to rest (as much as you really can in the hospital.)

Well, at my morning check the cervadil was removed and resident #2 (AKA ChubbyFingers) declared me 1.5 cm dilated. The nurse informed him that I had been at 2 the day before and asked him if he was sure. He conceded that I might be 2, but it didn't matter to me, I was discouraged and felt like crying. He tried to tell me that the cervadil had done its job and made my cervix soft, but I felt like it had been a big waste. He may have been right, but it sure felt crappy to still be at a 2.

As planned, we began pitocin. I had yet another ultrasound to verify the baby's position, and the drip began. I felt a change pretty quickly. Now that I was finally feeling contractions and not just cramps, I felt like we were getting somewhere.

P turned the tv on and watched the Macy's parade. I wasn't able to watch tv because my blood pressure had gone up from being on my back for so long that they made me lay on my side and that faced away from the tv. Fine by me, I wasn't really interested in anything anyway. They were upping the pit every 30 minutes because my contractions weren't strong enough. They didn't feel awful yet, but they felt stronger to me than what the monitor was reading. They wanted to know my pain and I wasn't sure what to say (I loathe rating my pain with a number. If I haven't felt a 10, how would I know what I'm feeling now? I'm an overthinker.)

Eventually my doctor came in to check my progress and I think he was disappointed to see that I wasn't really making any by just increasing the pitocin. P had gone to go find some food and the doctor announced that it was time to break my water. That hurt like a sonofabitch. I'm not even going to describe how that felt. I'm not really a yeller, but there was some serious groaning and crying going on, as I was in quite a bit of pain. This was not an easy procedure at all for me, but I hoped it would encourage the baby to move down and go to work on my lazy cervix.

At this point, we'd expected to see some progress. I was feeling stronger contractions but they were only showing up sporadically on the monitor. P and I were watching and I'd have a particularly painful one that would barely spike on the screen. The doctor decided to place an internal monitor and I was relieved. As the nurse said, now I'd "get credit" for everything I was feeling. It worked. The picture was much more accurate now. I was having strong, regular contractions.

I was told I could get an epidural at any time. I didn't want to get it too soon, so I initially turned it down. About two hours after my water was broken though, I was ready. The anesthesiologist came, ordered P out, and set up shop. He said the first part would sting a bit and it did. Not bad though. I did not like the placement of it and how it felt like something was wiggling in my back. Then he said I'd feel an electric shock down my leg and I did. My legs and feet felt tingly, but not painful. The whole thing took about five minutes. He left and P came back in.

I noticed almost right away that while I was getting numb on my left side, nothing much was happening on the right. The nurse had me tip a bit onto my side in hopes that the medicine would then settle out on both sides. It did not. I was glad to have some relief, but I was concerned about the uneven effect. I asked the nurse if there was anything that could be done or if this was just how it would be for me and she said she'd go talk to the doctor. I was very strange to touch my stomach on the right and feel it completely and then not at all on the left. More importantly, I could feel my contractions completely on the right.

The anesthesiologist came back with a syringe and shot that into my line. Then he lectured me. "If I have to keep coming back in here to increase this, you're not going to be able to have this baby." He went on a bit, ignoring me as I tried to explain that I didn't ask for more drugs, I just wanted to know if it could be evened out. He was all high on himself and finally I just shut down and refused to respond to him with anything more than a general "uh-huh" and he left. Of course the tears started then. P was out of the room in a hurry after him and it's probably a good thing that the guy was already gone. He did find my nurse though and told her what had happened. She tried to make me feel better by basically calling the guy an ass and telling me that he'd been out of line, but the damage was done. He'd made me afraid to speak up about pain. I'm glad P was there to advocate for me because there was too much going on inside (emotionally, mentally, physically) for me to really do this for myself.

The baby had been at -3 station all along and was not descending into the birth canal. The reason the cervix dilates is pressure, but the baby was putting no pressure on my cervix. The doctor determined that the baby's head was not properly positioned. She was face-up and at an odd angle. The contractions were strong enough that the should have been doing something, but they were ineffective and I was getting pretty tired. We kept increasing the pitocin at regular intervals, and I kept having contractions that were getting me nowhere. We were into the evening and my doctor gave me another hour to hope for change, but honestly at that point we all knew where this labor was heading.

birth story, part one

2007-11-29T12:20:00.000-05:00

Last Wednesday's doctor appointment confirmed what I had already suspected: after 41 weeks of residence, my little girl was unwilling to give up her home. The doctor had already said that 41 weeks was going to be the end for me and we decided to induce. Starting that night.

So we went out to our last lunch together and talked about how we would have a baby, probably tomorrow, and made phone calls to our parents. We went home and packed up. I vacuumed the house. P cleaned the litter box and we asked the neighbors to look after the dogs. We took one last picture of me (ohmygoodness, do I look big!) for my mom, loaded up the car, and headed to the hospital.

I had preregistered, so we were able to head straight up to L&D. I got into my pretty, pretty gown and before I knew it I was hooked up to an IV and strapped to the monitors. I had a nurse and a doctor ask me a billion questions, most of which I had already covered in my paperwork and then with each of them, but I guess they have to ask. When he was done, the resident said, "Good. Now you can have a baby." Funny. Good thing I did that paperwork then. At least he was joking.

Crying baby, more to come.

home

2007-11-27T19:40:00.000-05:00

I'm very tired, so the story part will come at another time, but for now, I'm a mom.

Thank you for all the well-wishes!

Well, sex didn't get her IN there...

2007-11-21T17:08:00.000-05:00

...and it looks like it won't be what gets her out either (and, um, thanks, Mom, for the suggestion!)

I have been a little jealous of people who have had their babies recently (sorry!) and especially those who had them early for whatever reason. If you had your baby on my due date (which is none of YOU) I'm probably irrationally cranky with you. Apparently, I've felt possessive toward that particular date.

Another week with NO progress, NO contractions, and NO change (even though I, at one point, was showing progression. grr.) has brought us to intervention time.

I'm guessing the odd (and sporadic, I swear) feelings of jealousy and frustration will all be over very, very soon.

I'll update when I can...

the trouble with those helpful email newsletters

2007-11-20T20:01:00.000-05:00

When you hit 40 weeks, your weekly emails start congratulating you on your newborn. Tons of tips on that first week, bonding, feeding, what your baby might look like, etc.

~~FREAKING DISCOURAGING!~~ Not so helpful when you have yet to give birth and are still incubating.

Perhaps I'll be thankful for hospital food this year...

In support of gift receipts

2007-11-19T19:27:00.001-05:00

Baby still on the inside.

And this is why I don't call.

2007-11-18T11:01:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for indulging my crankiness and neediness!

I took a fall this morning. Not a big one, just two steps, but I fell onto concrete and it hurt! Now, I assumed that this was not an emergency, but didn't know if it was something you're supposed to call the doctor about or wait or what. My main concern (other than DBTs, obviously) was that I'd miss some sign and assume it was "normal pregnancy" or a "normal early labor" thing and then be wrong. Was I sore because I'm always sore or because I fell? Are those early labor or pre-labor cramps or are they the placenta detaching from the uterus? What signs, specifically, should I be looking for as problematic? Anyway, I decided to call the doctor since I got yelled at (ok, not yelled at exactly, but shamed maybe) the last time something happened and I didn't call.

The answering service very helpfully informed me that if it was an emergency she could page the doctor or I could go to the ER and that if it wasn't I could call back tomorrow. See, that's my point. I don't know if this is an immediate thing or not. So, she paged the doc for me and he called back and told me that this is basically not a big deal as the uterus is a very good cushion (which I knew) and I didn't take any real impact on it, and to call back if the baby isn't moving.

I felt like a dumbass, so if you could indulge me one more time and tell me that I did the right thing by calling, that would be great.

frustrated

2007-11-16T09:44:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough week.

I'm going to preface this by saying that I've been feeling hypersensitive and frustrated in general. Little things are feeling very big right now. Everything's dire.

-At doctor's office, I have made no progress from last week. The doctor has stopped saying "could be next week, or you could call me tonight." I told the office ladies that if there was a pool, I'd put my money on me making my next appointment.

-Term assessment/biophysical profile/NST day. I registered ZERO contractions. Baby looks great, just completely uninterested in making any sort of exit. The swimming pool and all the room service she wants seems to be the preferable option. It's as if she moves towards the door, notes the fact that it's certainly too narrow, and heads back north.

I, on the other hand, lad a less pleasant hospital experience. I had a BP spike (ok, three or four readings) and a headache while I was there, so I got to spend hours before finally being released. It took two nurses three sticks to get blood because no one ever believes me when I tell them I have shallow veins. Also, I didn't know that I was having a NST (and I didn't know how long they take) so P and I were unprepared to just sit. For hours. And then wait for lab results after the test part was over. We were both bored, tired, hungry, and uncomfortable. My headache went away with two tylenol and a bottle of water and the BP went down with a position change, so I'm not preeclamptic.

-Someone wrote something on her blog that really bothered me. I don't want to specify, but it hurt my feelings and pissed me off. I've thought about this one line many times now, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to just let it go once I'm feeling more like myself.Obviously it's her blog and she's free to feel how she feels, but...

-I think someone flipped a switch on me on my due date. I was doing just fine with things up until *the day* and then suddenly I had this desperate feeling. It was easy to blow off the questions when I could say that "she's not even due yet!" and that *whoever was asking* ought to back off a bit. I was taking things with more humor and felt more relaxed in general about the baby taking her time. Now I'm getting depressed by the no contractions and no real early labor signs. (Babies come on their own schedule, not everyone feels the same things or has the same, if any, early signs, blah, blah, blah, I'd rather not hear any of this, thanks.)

-Our comforter is oversized, so I have to take it to the dry cleaner to be laundered. It is now wrecked and not usable, as all the stuffing is in a big ball in the middle. Just perfect. The weather is getting cold and we're expecting guests soon, so now I have to go shopping. Not what I wanted to spend money on.

-The mortgage payment that I mailed out the first week of the month never arrived, so now I have to do a stop payment and follow up on this. This would be an excellent time to be a fraud victim. Gah.

-And a million other tiny things that are probably no big deal, but are making me nuts anyway. So that's where I am. Here, at home, baby still on the inside.

something I'm looking forward to (other than the obvious)

2007-11-11T10:43:00.001-05:00

I really, really want to wear my wedding & engagement rings again. I haven't been able to for nearly half of this pregnancy (yep, they came off in the 20s somewhere. I didn't note it at the time because it depressed me. And I had not-at-all-dainty hands before this adventure!)

At first, it really bothered me. Then I sort of accepted it. Still, I get this occasional pang of sadness about it and I really want them back on. I miss holding P's hand and having him adjust my rings for me because the diamond is poking him. I miss just looking at them and remembering. And it bums me out to see them sitting in a dish on my dresser.

My MIL didn't take hers off in time when she was pregnant and had to have then cut off. Now she and FIL don't wear rings. I'm not usually so into symbols, and I know they're just "things" but I don't want that to be me.

So, if you had to take yours off, and you never were able to put them back on (or needed them resized) please, please don't tell me. I'd rather be under the illusion that at some point I'll be able to cram my sausages back into their platinum decorations.

"No baby yet."

2007-11-09T05:10:00.000-05:00

One of the grandmas-to-be asks every day if there's a baby yet. So far, this is only minimally annoying. I try to remind myself that she's just excited, but sometimes I just want to scream. We'll call you. I swear. Just because we haven't called you today to chat does not mean that it's because we're at the hospital.

Also, I do not intend to pack a bag for the hospital in advance. This will not change no matter how many times you say that we "won't be ready" in that warning tone. We live literally five minutes from the hospital. I have a plan. I'm not worried, so why should anyone else be?

***

In other news, sore throat is still present. Persistent coughing, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, is very unhelpful.

some thoughts on winding down

2007-11-05T16:33:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling a little depressed today. I'm sure it's due to a combination of things (lack of good sleep, hormones, a sore throat...) but knowing only makes so much difference.

One thing I've been thinking about in the last week is the idea that I'm not done being pregnant.

There are times, of course, when I'd love her to come on out NOW, please. Mostly, though, I'm not sure I'm ready to give her up. I know she's not really going anywhere, but in some ways she is. Once she's born I'll have to share her. With P, the grandmas, the doctors and nurses, everyone. She'll no longer be just mine. Right now I'm connected to her in a way that can't be replicated by anyone. I feel her move and roll. Right now, at this exact moment, I am her world. I'm the gatekeeper.

(Yeah, I know that's selfish-sounding, and that for all my self-importance, if she were born this very minute, I could die and someone else could care for her and she'd survive without me, but I'd be a selfish liar if I didn't admit to feeling this way.)

On the other hand, I do look forward to sharing our daughter with P. It must be hard to be on the outside of things. The other side to me having a baby-monopoly, I suppose.

***

There is a lot about this last bit of time that I want to remember. Even though it's not been the smoothest pregnancy ever, I have really enjoyed it. I wasn't sure that I would. I've wanted a baby for years now, and the being pregnant thing was a means to an end. Some people love it and others are really just in it for the final product. I didn't know which I'd be.

I'm very self-conscious about my body and it's been nice to not stress about my size or shape and just be. I like feeling special. I like when P asks, "Pregnant wifey?" even though it's not a question at all, but a comment. I like when he feels "the belly" or comments on its size (though sometimes this makes me feel BIG) and I remember that it's actually our baby living inside of me. I think that there's a part of him that really wanted a boy, but when he was allowed to choose the paint for the baby's room he didn't go with the neutral yellow we had once loved, but instead selected a very soft pink. However unpleasant some parts of this experience have been, there are parts that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I have no idea when this will all be over, as I could have a baby tonight or in a week, but in some ways it will be too soon no matter when it happens. I suspect this is how all of parenting goes.

Wow, writing that down really did help. I feel a bit better now. My throat still hurts and I'm tired, but I do feel less agitated. Odd.

pulling away

2007-10-31T11:08:00.000-04:00

Sorry. I'm having a hard time staying focused lately. I'm reading your blogs even though I haven't been much of a participant. My head's all over the place.

It's almost November.

one more reason it sucks when your husband is gone and you're pregnant and awkward and big and cry easily

2007-10-29T11:40:00.000-04:00

(this got really long, which is just how it felt. you are under no obligation to read!)

At 2am I woke up to a beeping sound. I opened up my eyes, but did not get out of bed. I waited for more beeps (just to make sure I hadn't been dreaming) and I was rewarded. I struggled up and out of bed to investigate, but decided to pee first. A girl has priorities, you know.

I discovered that it was one of our smoke detectors, and had to stand directly under three different ones and wait for a beep to determine which one it was. Very annoying under normal circumstances, much worse in the middle of the night. I found the beeping and pulled a tall bar chair up under it so that I could reach. I looked at the chair and knew it would be a bad idea to climb up on it, but I really had no choice if i wanted the beeping to stop (and good lord, did I want it to stop!) So I very, very carefully hauled my large pregnant self up onto the chair and attempted to remove the smoke detector.

Eventually it came away from the ceiling, but I couldn't get the back off to get the battery out and it was suspended from it's power source so I was still fiddling with it while standing on the chair. I became mad at P for being gone and leaving me to deal with this and I felt like crying as the damn thing beeped in my hands. Then it stopped. I stood on the chair for several minutes to be sure and then climbed down. I decided to pee one more time and I went back to bed.

Fifteen minutes later the beeping started up again. I pondered just leaving it. Maybe I could sleep through the beeps. I covered my head and found my pillow an insufficient barrier against sound. This time I knew just how cold it would be if I got out of bed and was completely awake, so the idea of leaving my toasty covers was that much more unpleasant.

The beeping continued (of course) so I had no choice but to get up and deal with it. I walked down the hall, got myself back up on the big chair, and prepared to murder the smoke detector. Looking at the warnings of electrical shock and seeing visions of myself tumbling from the chair were not good for my overall emotional state. I couldn't get the thing apart and I considered calling P. What he was going to do about it from his hotel room in another state, I don't know, but I wanted desperately to share my misery and frustration with someone. I refrained, however, and he was luckier than he knows.

I tried again to pry the back off and felt huge relief when it opened up enough to wiggle the battery out. Until the fucker beeped again in my hands. I looked over to where there was a candle sitting in the room and considered starting a fire so that the smoke detector would have something to fucking beep about.

Instead I went downstairs in search of a new battery. Thankfully, we had one. Back upstairs and back up on the chair, new battery in hand, I was set. The end was in sight. Except I couldn't get the battery in properly. The back wouldn't come all the way off, so I had to fidget with it quite a bit. I began to tear up with frustration as the detector beeped again and again in my hands.

Eventually, the battery popped in and I exhaled with relief at not being shocked or falling down or something. I stood there waiting and the beeping did not resume.

It's there, dangling from the ceiling, as I refuse to climb the chair again, but it's quiet.

Relieved, I went back to bed.

I'm Henry VIII, I am

2007-10-26T14:59:00.000-04:00

37 weeks = nothing!

Some people would be bummed to see no progress at this point, but I'm happy that the baby is unlikely to come this weekend. Unless, of course, there is something to the whole full moon theory (as I understand it, the water usually breaks when you're already IN labor, but sometimes the pull of a full moon can make an already distended bag of waters, like you'd find in very late pregnancy, break before labor spontaneously begins.)

If we can just make it to the 1st, P will more likely than not be here in town and I can stop stressing about being here by myself.

Is it a bad sign or a good sign that your doctor, when you suggest any date after the first, suggests that the 3rd would be a good day because it's his birthday and a Saturday? Does he really want to come deliver a baby on his birthday weekend?

I think of things to write all the time but somehow I never get around to it and then I forget them.

family update

2007-10-22T18:47:00.001-04:00

Thanks for your concern about my family. Several people have been evacuated, but so far no property (that we know of) has been lost.

*Thinking of the displaced families, animals, and firefighters tonight.*

PSA: Have a family escape plan, it's not just important for natural disasters.

I do have more on that, but right now...

2007-10-22T12:31:00.000-04:00

I'm tired. Just had another night where I spent several hours of it awake instead of sleeping. Not only does this deprive a body of rest, it deprives the mind of rest. And my mind needs it. Badly.

Here's a sampling of what I was thinking about when I should have been sleeping:

We spent more money on our nursery furniture than I was hoping to, though not excessively more, because we were impressed with the quality and safety standards the manufacturer adhered to. We just got started setting things up and we've discovered that the dresser is not level. It's not the floor, it's the dresser, and yes, I'm sure. I called the store I purchased from about this, but don't have resolution yet. In the meantime, I don't want to put things in the drawers because they tip forward. We could use shims to level it out, but for what we paid, I'd like the dresser itself to be level, please.

"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had, someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I Love you'..." (Rent)

The nursery is much smaller with furniture in it. So glad we only bought a crib and dresser because there isn't really room for anything else. A chair will be a challenge. Not that we have a chair because we couldn't buy one because I refused to put it on a credit card and...

There's a little family incident that is currently pissing me off. P did a nice thing for someone he's related to and made an online purchase on that individual's behalf (we do this frequently, as most of P's family is not computer-capable.) Then the person decided that they didn't want the item and told P to just sell it back (it was an ebay purchase.) So we've been out the cash for well over a month now as we tried to sort the problem out. Finally P just relisted the item, which did sell, but at a loss. I think that at the very least P and the family member ought to split the loss (truthfully, I think the person who wanted the item ought to take the whole loss, but that's not going to happen, so I figure it's just a costly life lesson.) I'm pretty sure though that we're taking the whole hit. While I'm glad to get part of the money back, I'm still pissed about the whole thing.

Wow, you can really feel the baby when she moves now that there's not really any room left. Sorry, kiddo, there's no room for me either. I usually keep my intestines much lower. Also, there is no exit on my left side, so please, please, stop heading there. I mean, if you're really set on staying transverse, fine, but know that you're not coming out on your own so OUCH, stop trying to find the door where there isn't one.

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes..." (Rent)

My family is in San Diego and some have been evacuated due to the wildfires.

It is too hot here for October. I'm tired of being hot. I love my cats, but damn, they're hot to sleep with sometimes. Oh, and as I suspected, one has already located the changing pad on the baby's dresser and has great respect and deep love for it's comfy nap virtues.

I was hungry, but I didn't want to have two breakfasts, so I decided to wait. Plus I didn't want to go downstairs and wake the puppies. I finally got irritated enough with myself and decided to get up anyway. I had a bagel and a glass of juice and turned the tv on and then off and told one puppy to go back to sleep and then went back upstairs myself.

I still need to turn in my pre-admission paperwork to the hospital so I'm in the system and then have my chat with the nurse about my post-delivery preferences. Going to do the paperwork thing today, not looking forward to the nurse part though.

Insert a few more verses from the Rent soundtrack and you pretty much have my early-morning non-sleep experience. I eventually drifted back to sleep, briefly, until it was time for P to go to work. I spent the rest of my morning feeling disoriented and groggy.

Hoping tonight goes better.

36w = nothing.

2007-10-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

For those people who keep saying "any time now," there is no change at all happening in my baby-expulsion area. Other than soreness, that is. No dropping, no dilating, very low-risk for having a baby this week.

My biggest delivery concern has become that I'll be alone for it. I don't want to get all into P's job, but the long and short of it is that while he has a very flexible schedule for the most part, there are some things that are non-negotiable (for example, the hospital tour day, the fact that he's been gone this week, and a couple other things that are still to come.) Not having my mom in the area for a back-up compounds the issue of aloneness.

So people insisting that the baby could come at any time now has really just been a stressor for me and it was a big relief to hear from my doctor that nothing's happening yet.

More to come on this topic...

look what MY kid can do

2007-10-16T10:57:00.001-04:00

I was so proud when, at my last appointment, we saw our little girl suck down some fluid and then show the doctor her practice breathing.

Genius? Show-off? Wonderful.

on tour

2007-10-12T16:23:00.000-04:00

P was not able to make the hospital tour, and I was the only person to show up without a husband or boyfriend. The lady giving the tour made me announce this to the group by asking really loudly if I was alone or if we were waiting on someone.
The nurse walked much too quickly, given that all of us were within eight weeks of being due, and my pelvis was quite sore.
The L&D rooms are nice, though the one she showed us, for some strange reason, had no bed (the others were all occupied.)
We were not able to see the recovery/mom&baby area because they don't let people observe in that area in the evening. Yet they only schedule evening tours.
We saw the nursery. While everyone was oohing and ahhing over the (two) brand-new babies in there, I felt awful. One baby was awake and lying there alone in her bin in a diaper and moving her mouth all around. It was clear to me that she ought to be with her mother and I was barely able to stop myself from tearing up. Hormones.
It was explained to us that they "allow" the babies to stay in the L&D room with the mom for an hour before they take them to the nursery. For FOUR hours. I was the pain in the ass person who wouldn't let this go and kept asking why this was policy even for healthy babies and healthy moms.
I did not get an answer I was happy with. So what if dads are "allowed" to go with the baby to the nursery? Who cares if I'd rather have him go with her than stay with me? Why on earth should I have to make that choice at all if we're all healthy?
"So you're interested in non-separation?" the nurse asked me. Well, I hadn't really thought about it that way. I mean, I don't have a problem with her going to the nursery for some stuff (or lots of stuff, if it's medically necessary) but I just don't see the benefit of taking a newborn away from her mother for four hours when there's nothing wrong. One thing the nurse tried to bring up was temperature control, but as I understand it the best way for babies to get that down is skin-to-skin contact with mom. I mean, up until an hour before that, she'd have been living INSIDE of ME, so... Anyway, I was given the name and number of someone I need to work it out with if I don't want my baby taken away.
It felt very polarizing, as though I was being forced to choose sides. Some of the other parents were looking at me as though I was dense or something and just couldn't understand what the lady was saying, but I did notice one other mom-to-be nodding. She thanked me after for asking my questions, which made me feel much better and much less crazy.
After talking to the nurse one-on-one I liked her better (and I think she liked me better when I wasn't calling her out in front of the group) and I do like this hospital overall. The people I've met have all been very friendly and we know a couple of people who work there. It's five minutes from my house. My OB only delivers there, so unless I want to make some big changes (which I do not) I have to find a way to work within this system. Hopefully I'm able to do this to my satisfaction.
I also like the level of security they have. (I'm sure my little girl will look just lovely with her little felon-lite ankle bracelet on!)

insomniac

2007-10-08T10:41:00.000-04:00

I apologize. If I ever tried to sympathize with you about insomnia, I did mean it, but damn, I had no idea. Is this just how it's going to be until the end now? (and if you'd like to helpfully suggest that it's preparation for the baby, feel free to ingest your own pillow.) The notion that you're going insane is very very real. Last night I had the feeling that my insides were somehow separate from my outsides. I need a nap.

solo

2007-10-04T09:46:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you, but I did ~~a week later~~ eventually call the hospital back and successfully made an appointment for a tour.

But then P learned that he had to go out of town the day before the tour and maybe, just maybe, if he drove really fast all day long, he'd be able to make it back here to NewCity with seconds to spare.

So I called the nice lady back and rescheduled for another day.

And then P told me that he just got word that he'll be gone for the entire week of the new appointment.

So I called the nice lady back again (apologetically and embarrassedly.) Too bad for us, there aren't any other slots open until November, which would be silly because when I go to the hospital in November I'll pretty much just want a place to give birth and even though we'll be bringing the camera, touring is just not what we had in mind.

So we're back to my original date, where P probably won't make it, but could. The very nice lady on the phone let me know that I could bring someone else, like my mom or my best friend and I thanked her and then got off the phone and cried. There isn't anyone else here. My mommy lives way far away and so does my best friend. When I'm on my own, I'm really on my own.

I was hoping upon hope that P would be able to make it to this appointment (he is really good about attending everything possible and while neither of us wanted to take a class, we both did want to take the tour.) I've probably made the whole thing more important than it is, but there you have it.

I now found out that his meeting has been pushed back later in the day and that there's no way for him to make it home in time. I'm for sure going alone and I hate it.

In the back of my mind I've been worried about October for a while now. I knew there were a few things he had to go to that would take him away and had been trying not to think about it. This little tour problem has made it impossible to ignore the fact that even with the most supportive, attentive, and conscientious husband, ultimately I could be on my own for the birth day. And I'm really sad about that. When we moved here it was supposed to be less travel, less time away from home, and it has been. Mostly. Timing just sucks right now. And I need to whine about it a little because I'm feeling depressed.

three babies

2007-09-27T23:11:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it feels like I have three distinctly different babies.

The first is the one I think about, imagine. This is a hypothetical baby, a concept. She's the one I've bought dresses for in big sizes because they've all been clearanced for the summer. When I've bought baby items in general, they've been for hypothetical baby (or for future gifts - I'm a sucker for a bargain!) When looking at cribs, I was thinking of the safety of hypothetical baby. Which stroller would be the most comfortable to ride in? I'm not sure that I could truly imagine our baby using these items. I think many of us have some form of hypothetical baby. Until we have an actual baby, we can really only imagine what our own baby will be like. Will it be a boy or girl? What's it's birthday? Will it look like us? Will it be easy? Cranky? Will it like me?

The second baby is the alien I feel in my uterus. I can call this baby my parasite and it doesn't feel mean. This is the being that grinds into my bladder, stretches big and tall and really enjoys pushing the limits of her environment. I see my stomach moving around, but I can't actually see a baby. It's really cool, but completely freaky. It's this baby that is the reason I can't bend. It's this baby that my mind connects to the constant reflux, and it's this baby when I vomit water in my mouth (love her? of course, but I don't picture her in a pretty outfit or playing with a toy. I picture my intestines and colon being compressed into the lung region!) This is probably the baby that is most real, only because it is difficult for my mind to disconnect from something kicking me. Even if it is coming from the inside.

The third baby is elusive. She is the actual baby that we will bring home. She is what we made from us. This is the baby who will receive a name we've (somewhat painfully) selected for her and who will live in the room that we're hard at work on. She's the one who needs diapers and is who everyone is so anxious to meet. She's the one her grandmas will not give up once they get their paws on her. She's going to be our daughter. She's not always going to be a baby - she will be a little girl and an adolescent and an adult and an old lady. As much as I can feel a baby moving and shifting and turning inside of me, this is the baby who will be the real one.

There are times when my babies collide.

Hypothetical baby in the crib becomes my actual baby as I feel the alien kick me and my dinner comes back to greet me and I think of the recent study showing a link between heartburn and hair.

Alien baby comes to life during ultrasounds and I can see her legs kicking me as I feel them kicking me, and I know she's not indigestion or a cat or something, and the doctor refers to the actual birth of this actual baby and even though I am able to speak clearly to him, my mind is a little fuzzy with the idea that it's all somehow related.

Even as my due date gets closer and things become more real and I'm more and more convinced that I'll be bringing home an actual, live baby, there's still some of that disconnect between what I feel in my body and what I know in my mind and what I feel with my heart.

I wonder if, on her birth day, this baby will become one whole as I am finally able to put the pieces together.

How freaking cute is this?

2007-09-26T17:37:00.000-04:00

I am in love with the ears!

Of note

2007-09-23T18:19:00.000-04:00

Item#1 - Thanks for the well-wishes. Being sick blows and I think I'm finally starting to kick this bug. That business about having a weaker immune system when pregnant rings true here. This head cold really kicked my ass! Stay healthy.

Item#2 - Mood swings/hormonal shifts fully in gear. Had a minor freak-out over a stroller this morning. I may or may not share the lunacy with you all at a later time. P thinks I've gone crazy, and I can't really disagree with him.

Item #3 - As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about the baby. I found myself wondering what it will sound like when she laughs. Just imagining it... indescribable.