Happy Halloween!

P and I have started a pumpkin patch tradition, which we take very seriously. It's important to select just the right pumpkin. He (for some reason, they're all masculine) must not be too wrinkly or have any signs of insect infestation. He must be of adequate size (what is it with guys and their need to find the biggest pumpkin out there? Is it a penis thing?) and appropriately shaped. He must have a decent "hat" that includes a carry handle (because you have to walk waaaaayyy out there to get a decent one when you wait too long!)

At least it wasn't raining when we went this year so we weren't all muddy.

This year I got a carving kit because I threw out all of my old steak knives and didn't want to use the ones we eat with. Anyway, we each selected a pattern from the accompanying book and got to work. P had a hard time and was quickly frustrated. He tossed his pattern aside (twice) before deciding to freehand his. We'll just not talk about how his came out. I think it made him cranky. Mine came out great! I modified the pattern and it took me forever, but when I was done I couldn't stop staring at my kitty! I almost don't want to put it outside because I'm so happy about it! The cats were intrigued with the process, and my little piglet wanted to taste the pumpkin guts.

Speaking of my little piglet...

He did get treats for dressing up. It's only fair.

why yes, I DO spend too much time watching TV!

I'm feeling cranky about TV in general. First of all, I'm tired of crying because I see something "sad" even though I know it's NOT REAL. It doesn't seem to matter what type of program it is. Crime, drama, sitcom, documentary... "Oh, the poor czar lost his parents and then his beloved wife died and he became Ivan the Terrible who killed lots of people? How sad for him that his wife died. " Seriously.

Second, some of "my" shows really need to pick things up.

Gilmore Girls... they need to get those two talking again. The show just sucks like this. Also, no way would Rory have dropped out of Yale. I don't like what they're doing to her character, especially last season. Anyone else bummed that they didn't get to do their "21 things" plan? I miss my mommy.

Hello, Lost...? Twirl here. Reruns suck. Reruns at the start of the season especially suck. I understand that they wanted to put the next episode on during sweeps, but still... grr. If someone's going to die, and the spoilers certainly indicate that someone will, then let's get to it! The show loses something if the momentum dies down.

CSI:Miami... I do not watch you anymore, and I'm HAPPY! You hear that? I'm completely CSI-free! (I still love Without a Trace and Cold Case though.) Not a complaint, really, but given that P still watches, I'll toss it out there that David Caruso's speech pattern just bugs the heck out of me.

Not a complaint, just a comment: I could totally feel for Sandra Oh's character (Grey's Anatomy) when she finally broke down and cried, "Somebody sedate me!" I wanted to help her, hug her, hook her up with an injection, and cry with her.

Today I'm feeling:

1) anxious. We move in 6 months. I'm not worried about the things we actually need to do, because that's the easy part. I'm worried about selling our house, how long it will or won't take, where we'll live after the house sells but before we move, and where we'll live when we get to NewCity. How hard is it going to be to sneak the kitties in/out of hotels? (there are no pet-friendly hotels here.) You can never have too many things to feel anxious about.

2) impatient. I want to move. NOW. I'm ready to see a new doctor and actually work towards getting pregnant (how cynical is that? I don't consider sex or metformin helpful at all!) I want to do something new. I can hardly believe I stopped at the clinic here almost a year ago. I want to feel confident about my care/treatment again and I want my hope back!

3) concerned. Someone I care about has been diagnosed with a rare and progressive cancer. If the diagnosis stands, the prognosis is not good. Second opinion at MajorCancerCenter is next week. Numb.

4) disconnected. My mom is getting married soon. I don't know exactly when, but soon. It sucks that I'm not there. I want to go with her to pick out a dress. I want to help her plan, admire the ring, and generally feel like I'm a part of the family again. I started crying during Gilmore Girls when I realized that there would be things I thought I'd do with my mom that I can't.

On the menu tomorrow: TV rant.

Copy, Paste, Answer, Add one of your own

Have you ever...

1. smoked a cigar - no
2. crashed a friend's car - no
3. stolen a car - no
4. been in love - yes
5. been dumped - yes
6. dumped someone - yes
7. taken shots of alcohol - yes
8. been fired - yes
9. been in a fist fight - no
10. snuck out of a/your house - no
11. had feelings for someone who didn't have them back- yes
12. been arrested - no
13. made out with a stranger - yes
14. gone on a blind date - yes
15. lied to a friend - yes
16. had a crush on a teacher- no
18. seen someone die - yes
19. been on a plane - yes
20. thrown up in a bar - no (does the Denny's right next to the bar count?)
22. miss someone right now - yes
23. laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - no
24. made a snow angel - yes
25. played dress up - yes
26. cheated while playing a game - yes
27. been lonely - yes
28. fallen asleep at work/school - yes
29. used a fake id - no
30. felt an earthquake - yes
31. touched a snake - yes
32. run a red light - yes
33. had detention - no
34. been in a car accident - yes
35. hated the way you look - yes
37. been lost - yes
38. been to the opposite side of the country - yes
39. felt like dying - yes
40. cried yourself to sleep - yes
41. played cops and robbers - yes
42. karaoke - yes
43. done something you told yourself you wouldn't - yes
44. laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose- yes (blue curacao hurts!)
45. caught a snowflake on your tongue - no
46. kissed in the rain - yes
47. sang in the shower - yes
48. made love in a park - yes
49. had a dream that you married someone - yes
50. glued your hand to something - no (but I have glued two fingers together)
51. got your tongue stuck to a flag pole - no
52. worn the opposite sex's clothes - yes, and thank goodness I'm a girl!
53. Been a cheerleader - no
54. sat on a roof top - yes
55. talked on the phone all night - yes
56. ever too scared to watch scary movies alone - yes
57. played chicken fight - no
58. been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on - yes
59. been told you're hot by a complete stranger - yes
60. broken a bone - yes
61. had a 3-some? - no
62. dipped snuff? - no
63. lived overseas - no (ok, technically yes, but I'm trying to forget!)
64. ever passed out/fainted? - yes
65. blown bubbles in the wintertime - no
66. driven cross country? - no, but I'm going to next year!

If you copy this for your blog, add another question to the end (and leave a comment- I'd like to see yours!)

Blink meets Buffy

April said, "And - random question - but where does your blog name come from? I've got a Blink 182 song stuck in my head now (Don't Leave Me)."

I landed on OMWF because it fit me. I'm starting over, and I hope this time I can be myself, let more out, and not be so closed off. This time I'm going to get it right.

The wording came from Buffy the Vampire Slayer ("Tabula Rasa" was taken and "Crazy Troll Logic" wasn't quite right) but it also feels like a drama thing and I theatre!

In the last couple months, I'd hear music and create related posts in my head. So if it looks like now (or in the future) that a lot of my post titles are song titles/lyrics, well, they probably are.

On another note, when I was a pre-k teacher I had a little girl who could sing all the words to "All the Small Things." I routinely rewarded her for performing this show for other teachers. Great fun! In addition to Blink-182, she also knew selections from Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Madonna, and a variety of other artists.

Loser Day

Today I'm having a Loser Day.
I'm tired of feeling like a broken person.

Moving!

The timing of the new blog was due partly to the other big move in my future. We're moooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvving! Yippee! It won't be until next spring, but we're still very excited. Nearly every day we have a conversation about "when we leave here, we can..." or, "just think, in NewCity we'll have/do/be..."

I LOVE that I have something to look forward to again. The idea of a fresh start is thrilling and we just can't wait. One of the things I look forward to the most is that in NewCity I ought to be able to see a real doctor!

I haven't yet decided if I am going to yap about NewCity on here. I'm tempted, because you never know when a reader has something interesting or helpful to contribute, but I'm leery about putting too much out there. Stay tuned to see what wins out!

Oh, and WOO-HOO! We're MOVING! (you know, in case you missed that part.)

home, part 1

I'm very jealous of my husband. His parents are married and have been for his whole life. To each other! They moved a couple times when he was little, but they've been in the same house for at least 25 years. When he thinks of home, his images are very clear. His world is very safe and secure. Although he and his siblings have mostly moved on in life, nothing major has changed at all. He has a home.

To be clear, I know that my home is with my husband and that his is with me. I guess what I'm talking about is more than I can find the right word for. It's a feeling.

My mom divorced my bio father (with exceptionally good reasons) early in my life. I wish I never knew him.

As a divorced kid, I never felt like I had a home. There was mom's house and dad's house, complete with stepparents, but neither was really my house. We moved a lot. I've had lots and lots of houses (the average American makes 11 moves in his lifetime. I'm already above average!) My sense of "home" has always been with my mom, regardless of the structure she lived in.

She remarried when I was a preteen, and although I was a snot to him at first, I too fell in love with my stepdad (not that kind of love, pervs.) He was an awesome guy. He's a one of a kind, quirky, interesting, and he became my dad. He would talk to me like an adult and ask me what I thought about things and really listen to me. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Sometimes my mom will tell me that something I do or say is just like him. No genetic contribution necessary.

It really hurt me when I found out they were getting divorced. Even though I was already married myself, I felt like my world was being ripped apart and nothing was stable or sure. I felt betrayed (they waited through a couple important events in my life to tell me) and lost. It's tough when you're an adult and your parents get divorced.

Mom moved after the divorce (after my dad moved out,) and as I became familiar with her new house (and seeing her in it) I became more secure. I felt better, like she was going to be ok, and so was I. I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, but I eventually adjusted.

Now, my mom is getting remarried. And I don't like it. I feel like a selfish baby, but I just don't like it. I absolutely want her to be happy. It has nothing to do with the guy (although he has a kid, and I feel a little bit like she's getting herself a new family while I live away.) He sounds like a nice enough guy, his family likes my mom (well, who wouldn't? She's wonderful!) and my grandparents like him (you gotta convince grandpa because he's very protective of his girls.)

I feel like my home is being taken away. And no one understands. It could be my fault; maybe I just suck at explaining this, but it feels very lonely.

cancelled

Haha, like an infertile with a big ole cyst or effed up numbers, Inconceivable was cancelled.

Too much time to think

I think the woman I met over the weekend who I thought was "like me" may not be after all. P and I were discussing it and there are some clues that she may be pregnant.

Before we had this realization, P was asking if I'd like to hang out with them more. I was hesitant, and for no particular reason I wanted to say no. I played ambivalent and never really gave an answer, and I think the reason is that I didn't want to be let down. I didn't want to make another new friend who would move away and stop calling. I didn't want to try to fit into a world where I didn't belong. When my friends have gotten pregnant, it's been different. I knew them before, so we had something in common already. We already had a bond and didn't need to form one over my scar tissue of heartache.

When did this happen to me? When did I become afraid to make friends?

Oh yeah. I remember. It's when my body turned against me and began messing with my mind.

I don't avoid pregnant people. I don't avoid babies or children. This girl went from a (supposed) infertile to a (possibly) pregnant person and more than anything, I feel numb about it. It's just another disappointment.

(Yes, I recognize that this has all happened in my head and she may very well just be your average person with no fertility issues who may or may not be pregnant and I could very well be letting my imagination run wild. At least P's imagination has joined mine!)

Dragonfruit, or "Look at the pretty colors!"

I really liked the Capri-Sun Big Pouch, "Dragonfruit" flavor. I had never heard of a dragonfruit, but I assumed it was some sort of made-up name like "mountain cooler" or something, and that the name didn't really reflect the origins of the juice.

I was wrong! I saw one in the store the other day and it was so interesting looking.

This is a dragonfruit:



The outside feels smooth and rubbery, and has those freaky-looking green flaps all around it. They're smooth too, although the fruit is firm (not mushy) to the touch.

This is what it looks like on the inside:




I love the vibrant purple color, and I found myself staring at the pretty fruit!

It was easy to slice through because the center is the consistency of a kiwi. It feels sort of grainy, but in a smooth way. There are tons of seeds, which bother me because I hate eating seeds. Although I was reluctant to dig into it because it was so pretty, P and I had a taste. He thought it was awful and said it tasted like flowers (dandelions, to be exact) and that was the end of that (and in my head, I immediately thought that he would not make it on Lost. As if that has any relevance to anything.) I wasn't quite as sure. It took me several bites to determine that I didn't really like the taste either. I did not taste flowers, but I do have that seed problem. It was not at all as flavorful as a Capri-Sun. Maybe if it was refrigerated. And in a pouch. With added flavors and sugar and whatever else they put in those.

I'm glad I bought it though, because that was the most fun I've ever had cutting a piece of fruit in half!

If you're sad...

...then it's time you spoke up too!

Part of my goal in picking up and moving here was to re-gain my anonymity. I read other blogs and it seems as though people are able/willing to share so much of themselves, and I've never felt that way. Ranting was fine, but real feelings? Almost, but not quite. I think that by using my real name I was always just a little afraid to be me out loud (and with good reason, I've been "found" both on the internet and in life when I didn't want to be. Paranoid? Yep.)

So. Here are my two main goals:

1. participate more with others
-and-
2. allow myself to have feelings (and share them)

***

Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy and I couldn't stop crying. There was a tiny drug-addicted baby that was abandoned in the hospital by her mother and she probably wasn't going to live. Life.Is.UnFuckingFair. I'm kinda glad that Sandra Oh's character had an ectopic so they didn't have to do the abortion storyline.

Someone like me

This weekend P and I went to a work function (his) and I think I met another infertility patient. We didn't get into specifics, but I'm fairly sure that we've had the same experience with the same ClinicFromHell and its leader, Satan. She seemed to know exactly what I was talking about on several specific points, but neither of us gave up the whole truth. Her husband had a pinched, slightly agitated look on his face while we were talking and I felt bad for him. (Assuming my infertile-radar is accurate, of course,) I know IF can be a whole 'nother kind of hard for men. In a place with many kids (though thankfully, very few tiny children/babies) we huddled together in one corner. Of course, it could all be in my head and she's just a nice lady who's had bad doctor luck. Either way, it made me feel less lonely for one day, and that's something.

As heard on...

...Dharma & Greg:

Greg: I don't wanna feel sad.

Dharma: Well, nobody does, that's why there's drugs, alcohol, war, divorce, catalogs, plastic surgery, and pudding!


Makes sense. I had a pudding this morning, and I feel just fine.